In ones life....

In ones life a little rain must fall. It is physically raining here today as it has been for 2 days now. It's strangely comforting. For a very brief moment it was as if God himself was weeping for the loss the world had. I know, my dad was a small cog in a vast machine, and that everything in the world didn't know him. For some reason the rain makes me feel not so alone.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.

And Still......

Ah man, I don't think I can take anymore of this, and why when I am only asleep, why not remember these things or see these things while I am awake?
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.

For my dad

I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.

Trying

OK folks... It is me... I am battling some stuff right now regarding my dads death 3 years ago that I still have not really dealt with. Plus current events here in the home with my mom and older sister. I am trying to figure all this out and have consulted many peeps. However, it is all to personal right now to even write about it in this moment. I will eventually just be patient with me. I am trying. I thank those of you whom have offered advice and experience. it has been helpful. thanks for you patients...

info

OK folks I will know on the 11th, however, I feel like I am heading for surgery on my shoulder for the torn rotator cuff. I have been doing my physical therapy but it still if VERY painful and not gaining much. I will know on the 11th when I see the doctor. I could use all the prayer I can get during this time. I will keep doing what I can to avoid surgery. We shall see.... thanks for the support.

Not ignoring

I am not ignoring anyone that views my blog... I just have a bad shoulder injury and it makes it difficult to type. I have pain meds in me right now so I can do this, but it is not painless non the less. For those of you that know, I went for my mri last week and got the results this week. It is a torn rotator cuff and I am doing everything I can do to try and avoid surgery. I hope you understand that am not ignoring my blog, it has just has been painful to type and list up the laptop onto the bed.... Please forgive me if I have upset anyone by not posting recently....

Issue

I have an issue that really irritated me the other day and I thought about it again when I was in the shower tonight.
I was minding my own business driving to a doctors appointment, and flying past me on my right was a little silver car with a big ol' bumper sticker on it that said "I love Jesus do You?" Now I am thinking I used to do that. Meaning put bumper stickers or emblems on my vehicle telling everyone I PASSED what I believed. I had it on the back of my car when I lived in California and was on my way back to Cali from Arizona after a weekend of visiting with my grandfather and mother. This time it did not help. I was in Quartzite Arizona, doing what I called bombing the desert. Meaning I was really flying, radio as loud as it would go, windows open having a good time... Until.... Yup I got nailed. The cop approached and asked if I knew why I was pulled over? (why do they ask this) I said "I can guess". I knew because it took about a mile to catch me and get me pulled over. I was not trying to out run him, I just took my foot off the gas. He wrote me a ticket for in access of 95 which he said was being nice because he clocked me at 120. After he handed it to me with a MANDATORY court appearance at a later date, he said "ya know to have that on your bumper you should know you are to obey the laws of the land too." Ouch, OK that was a good one.
Now I am not saying I do not fly low under the radar when I drive, I do and it seems I get faster and faster the closer I get to my destination. I will say the any vehicle I have owned since that day has not had a marker like that. The fine I had to pay was a lot, but I think I probably should have learned not to speed, in turn I just learned To put a radar detector in the front and back of my SUV when driving a long distance and not thing things like that on it.
I really wanted to say to that guy just wait your time will come too....
OK I am going to bed now. I know this is a strange post but I am in a strange mood. it is call "Just My Thoughts"

servant's heart

OK, I have been away from my blog for a while. However, I am back with a few thought.
Last Friday I did a relief aid trip to a place in here in my home state of Wisconsin after all the devastating flooding that has been happening. I started a drive to collect bottled water, bleach, non-perishable food, diapers and baby food or formula. The local new TV stations picked it up as well as the local paper ran the story. Now, let me say I love doing these trips weather it be to New Orleans or where ever. This time was a bit different because the items were staying in our own state. We needed to rally around people in our own communities this time. So while I am grateful that the stations and papers helped get the word out about the drive, I hate the camera or reporter in my face stuff. I really just think of myself as just the driver. The people that donate are the real heroes. They are the ones that make it all possible. To them I am thankful.
It took me 5 hours through some very tedious curves and some fairly steep down grades like they have in the mountains except this time there were more than a few 10 mph turns with no guard rails and nothing but a steep slope down. On every trip I have ever gone on I always have those moments where the devil attacks me and I get the thoughts in my head this is it I am going to die. I am going to go off this cliff roll who knows how many times and die at the bottom. Than I start to pray and I am like are you kidding me, I doing something God made happen shut up already. But it's scary initially, and takes a while to get through it. I always come through it on the other end, but going through it is tough.
I know that we are all called to be servants of the Almighty. I am willing to do this. I enjoy this. it just really struck home this time for some reason. Not that I have not had this revelation in the past I have but this time it was closer to home I guess. I do not do this for any kind of fame from the TV and certainly not for fortune considering the out of pocket expense for gas and getting the SUV checked before I go, but for the sheer joy I get in peoples faces when arrive. I pray that they see the glint of God in my eyes for hat He is doing.
People don't like to ask for help, so I call and ask if they need the help, if they do and I can give it I do. it is the most fulfilling thing i do. volunteering to help those that need it. I know that is God in me coming forth. I know it is what I am called to do in that moment.
For those who have never experienced this I encourage you if you have the time to do something like this. Even if it is just dropping off supplies.
I got a card from a friend with a donation enclosed that said I had a servant's heart. I guess I do because I get joy from doing it. However, aren't we all called to be servants? When we serve others we are in turn serving God. When we serve God we are in His presence. What better place to be.
So today, Monday, I am still tired and have a few pulled muscles, am still in rest mode, but grateful for the another experience. What have you done lately to serve others and in turn the Lord. Bring his glory to those in need?
OK, this may not all make sense but that's OK, after all I am still tired and sore.
By the way, Sharon, I am praying for you. Hope you feel better soon. L, K
Kristina

I am sure I am going to face some backlash from this but this is something I read on the Internet that I found interesting. Most people know where I stand on the Israeli - Palestinian conflict and my belief that the US has no business backing either country in what is an age old war that continues in part because our country can't keep it's nose out of certain things. Most of you also know that I love my country and the freedoms that affords me. I also like others have done extensive research regarding the ancient maps and regions from Biblical times. Israel knows it has US backing and has used that status to bully others around. If you do the research you will find out for yourself that this has been a bone of contention for other parts of the world and has created much of the anti-American sentiment that exists today. Read the the article below and choose for yourself. I know what my opinion is and I can back it up. Can you?

By Ghada Karmi Fri May 30, 4:00 AM ET
London - In 2005, I was invited to do something most Palestinians can only dream of: visit the house from which my family had been driven in 1948. Of all people, a New York Times correspondent discovered that his apartment was built over my old home.
When I met him there, the Jewish occupants who showed me around were almost apologetic, perhaps aware how that incident encapsulated the central story of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: the expulsion of Palestinians and their replacement by Jews. Yet when I asked the reporter how he could still write articles that betray this reality, he was evasive.
His evasion is part of an industry of denial called the Middle East "peace process." This industry feeds the current international consensus on the two-state solution as the only "comprehensive" settlement to the conflict. But there's a better solution, one that's slowly picking up steam among Palestinians and Israelis: a one-state model.
The two-state approach is flawed on two major counts. First, Israel's extensive colonization of the territories it seized in the 1967 war has made the creation of a Palestinian state there impossible. Israel was offering nothing more than "a mini-state of cantons," as Palestinian Authority negotiators recently complained. This leaves Israel in control of more than half of the West Bank and all of East Jerusalem. With the Israeli position largely unchallenged by the international community, the only route to a two-state settlement will be through pressure on the weaker Palestinian side.
This leads to the second flaw: The two-state solution reflects only Israeli interests. It proposes to partition historic Palestine – an area that includes present-day Israel, the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and Jerusalem – massively and inequitably in favor of Israel as a Jewish state. By definition, this rules out possibility of Palestinian return except to the tiny, segmented West Bank territory that Israeli colonization has created, and to an overcrowded Gaza, which cannot accommodate the returnees. Thus the "peace process" is really about making the Palestinians concede their basic rights to accommodate Israel's demands.
It also panders to Israel's paranoia over "demography," an ambiguous term that refers to the morally repugnant wish to preserve Israel's Jewish ethnic purity.
But the two-state solution's biggest flaw is that it ignores the main cause of the conflict: the Palestinian dispossession of 1948.
Today more than 5 million dispersed refugees and exiles long to return. It is fashionable to ignore this, as if Palestinians have less right to repatriation than the displaced Kosovars so ardently championed by NATO in 1999. As recognized by the Western powers then, the right to return was fundamental to peacemaking in the Bosnian crisis. It should be no less so in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Yet the present peace process aims to preserve a colonialist Israel and make Palestinian dispossession permanent. This is not only illegal and unjust, it is also short-sighted. As the early Zionist thinker Vladimir Jabotinsky warned in 1923, native resistance to dispossession is irrepressible and Zionism would only survive with constant force to quell it.
Israel has heeded the lesson well. With an oppressive military occupation ruling over the West Bank and Gaza, it has herded Palestinians into ghettos and prisons, aiming to paralyze any resistance. The response to this brutality is misery, expressed by some in violence against Israelis, and continuing instability in the region. American collusion with Israel has led to growing anti-Americanism among Arabs and Muslims.
If the aim of the peace process is to resolve the conflict properly, then we must tackle the root of the problem: the creation of an exclusive state for one people in another people's territory. The strife this caused will end only when the Palestinian rights to repatriation and compensation are addressed. This cannot happen in a situation of Israeli hegemony.
A different approach that puts the principles of equity and sharing above dominance and oppression is needed: a one-state solution. In such a state, no Jewish settler would have to move and no Palestinian would be under occupation. Resources could be shared, rather than hoarded by Israel. Jerusalem could be a city for both. Above all, the dispossessed Palestinians could finally return home.
Indulging Israel is a dangerous folly that postpones solution. It harms Palestinians, the region, and long-term Western interests. It even harms Israelis, who are less secure in Israel than anywhere else. Palestinian and Arab support for the two-state proposal only reflects resignation to Israel's superior power and fear of US reprisal, not conviction. The two-state proposal is unstable and cannot replace a durable solution based on equity, justice, and dignity.
A decade ago, the unitary state idea was ridiculed. Today, as the two-state solution recedes, a one-state solution is the stuff of mainstream discussion. Now it must become mainstream

Interestingly Enough

Have you ever examined your friendships? Every now and then I think about my closest friends. What I find ironic those people are the ones I usually detested at the first meeting. One of them in particular I'll call her M. She thought I was snotty , stuck up and just generally obnoxious. I thought she was brash, pushy and down right annoying. We met at work. She worked the 3rd. shift and I came in as a first shifter. The clients she could not stand I really liked. We are direct opposites. I was outside grabbing my last smoke before I went in to work, she was leaving and asked me a question about a bumper sticker on my 91 chevy cavalier. We started talking and some 17 years later we are very good friends and I would not trade her for anything. Well maybe.. Na.. I'll keep her.
Than you have those friends who are always right even when you don't want them to be. Ya know, the one ya call first when your mad or upset? They respond with something that just makes you even more angry or a lecture that was not requested but you know you needed to hear. Like lectures ever are requested right? Yet, those are the people that you keep calling over and over again. Knowing full well what you are in for, and some how you end up on the other end of the speech again. Hang up and cuss them out in your vehicle, throw the cell phone across the truck, and swear "I'm never talking to them again." 2 days later there you are again same song different day. I would not give her away for a million dollars.
Than there is those perky ones that just drive you nuts because all they do smile and everything is just swell. I have one of those friends too. She worked in the human resources department where I worked when I got injured at work by a 12 year old boy. I had 3 surgeries in 3 months. First to fix the fractured knee cap, second to remove an infection, third to remove all the excess scar tissue that had built up. She inevitably would call within a day or so out of surgery. With all that perky hi how are are you crap. All sweet and nice and wayyyyyy to happy. She would tell me that when she would fire people they would cry, give her a hug than say thank you. I was like are you kidding me? You fire me you better have my check in your right hand while I give you your damn keys in your left. Although, I know I would not have been quiet as nice as that. I mean really What's up with hugging someone who just fired you? I don't think so. Yet, today we talk several times a week. She is still annoyingly perky but I would not give her up either.
I have many more friends like that from pastors T, you know who are, to another M who I have known since high school. You see, all these people are different and I love them all. I would do anything and give all I have for any one of them. If there is one thing I have learned in life is it's all about passion. I used to be a very angry kid at times and as I said in an earlier post I learned that anger directed the right way is passion. I am a passionate person. My friend know with me what they see is what they get. No bull, straight up talk, and sometimes an attitude to match.
However, when one has the friends that I have there is always the right person there for the right situation. My friends are apart of my family. That is who I am. Like it or leave it. I can come on like a busload of truck drivers at times, but I have that other side that I don't like to show too often that is sensitive and very giving. That is all apart of life. More giving than recieving.
My grandma when I was young, (my dad's mom) I thought knew the meaning of life. I asked her one time. I was maybe 11 or so and she was in a nursing home. I'll never forget what she said. be yourself, find your passion and never let anything stop you. The hills and valleys along the way are just part of the ride, and if you ride with them you'll always come out on top. Well, I think I have and continue to do that. I love my God, my family and friends, and the bumps in the road are just temporary and I am happy with it all.
I mean if I look around even at family members I have not been in contact with for years I am communicating with again an it's wonderful. Their wonderful.
Geez, not I am starting to sound like a brash, lecturery, perky person. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! What has become of me???