OK so it has been a spell. OK OK over a year. In my defense I have had more than a little on my plate. Putting pen to parchment has not been on the forefront of the to do list. However, thru some gentle prodding from 2 very determined people here I am.
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| Kiki |
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| Sasha |
To give a general update: November 26th, 2010 at 2:20 AM my house had a major fire. It stole a lot of things but most importantly it stole my Sasha, my mini schnauzer- 5 yrs, Kiki, a Maltese- 4 yrs, we fostered in the winter, Ashley, cinnamon tabby cat - 15 yrs, Coco, Siamese cat - 5 yrs, and Missy, blue calico - 4 yrs old. Sasha was my dog. I got her as a puppy and proved everyone wrong who said mine and the dogs personalities would clash and I would have an awful behaving dog. Give me a challenge and I may just rise to the occasion.
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| Coco |
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| Ashley |
Almost a year after having her life stolen from me I am not sure I have yet to come out of the darkness. The tears are always on the edge of falling hot down my cheeks. My heart has yet to rebound. The animals died alone. Granted they were in the house together but only the 2 dogs were found together, but I was not there. Well I was but I wasn't. I went back in to get them all and passed out from the smoke. (I was told this when I spoke to police officers to thank them I was found 2 feet from the dogs in the kitchen) I was prepared to go with them and see my dad again. I would be lying if I said I have not wished I had on several occasions since. Only due to the sheer grief of not having the lives lost here not having a death wish myself. Been there, done that, years and years ago.
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| Missy |
( Let me jump ahead a moment and say we have since gotten another dog - Tally, a male Teddy Bear - it's a hybrid / designer breed a mix between a Bichon and a shih tzu. Yes, he is adorable and I love him. I got him from the humane society, he's 5. We also have gotten a new cat - a siamese mix 4 yrs) pictured below.
I ask myself almost daily "where does that part of my heart go now?" Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine and confessed that I don't love Tally the same as Sasha. However, it's not that same love I had / have for Sasha. I can't explain it, but it left a hole in my heart. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-write the message to myself since the fire "...Sasha saved my life and I didn't save hers..." Yes, I tried the police reports confirm it, but the fact remains I DIDN'T. She died without me to comfort her, albeit I was prepared to go with her and the other pets, it's not the same. People try to comfort me by telling me to remember the peace I felt last and know that is what they felt. I want to shout YES, AND I REMEMBER THE PAIN IN MY THROAT, LUNGS, FEAR, TERROR I FELT BEFORE I FELT THAT PEACE!!!"
My friend told me everyone has that one "heart dog" and no other will ever fill that. Well, Sasha is my heart dog!
We are back in the house now. Granted it had to be gutted to the studs and even some of them had to be replaced. It took 7 months to do so and it does not look exactly the same as there have been some big and small changes done but I still see the ghosts of the lives lost in the fire in places they spent much time or had funny memories attached to them; even if the area does look different now.
Will that part of my heart ever come out of the dark? Did the fire write the epilogue to this book of mine that has been churning around in my head for years upon years? Or is this the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to the one not yet finished.
I don't know if this is really finishing the thoughts I indented to convey but I am hitting post.
