Ok so today is the 5 year mark of my dad's death. Sometimes it doesn't seem that long ago while other times it seems like it has been forever and a day ago. I miss him but I also know that he is in a better place and has no more pain. for that i am grateful! It has been a journey has been up and down. When he passed I couldn't have imagined what it would be like without him. There are times it feels like he is still here and other times I can feel the void of his absence.
He had his flaws. He was not perfect but regardless of everything he was still my dad! I think of him often and ironically there are times I hear his phrases come out of my mouth. I miss his laugh and when I would come home from where I was living in California we had a standing appointment every evening to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire back when it was an hour long and Regis hosted it. He would get flustered when I would answer the questions before the 4 multiple choice answers would come up on the TV. He would say "would you wait and give me a chance to see the options." I just told him you either know it or not. As the contestants got to the higher monetary amounts usually if the got to the 250 thousand mark we would make wagers on what the right answer was. The one I remember the most was from a celebrity episode and Rosie O'donnell was going for the million. I'll never forget the question. The russian writer Anton Checov (sp) was best known for writing about A: childrens lit B: law C: world history or D: medicine. Before the choices came up I said medicine. My dad said no way. So when the choices came up and medicine was one of them he still doubted I knew it and thought it was a wild guess. So he raised the bet to 20 bucks. His answer was c world history or law but could choose between the 2. Needless to say Rosie walk away with 500 thousand for her charity because she has no idea. Well all I will say I got my 20 bucks with the question of how I knew that. I don't know I must have heard it at some point in my life. I just knew it.
He always told me and others that I was sponge. I soak up everything and retain it. I rarely forget things. Not to say I never do but not all that often.
So for my dad the answer is still D: medicine I sure do miss those moments with him. Carpe diem (sp) dad I know I am trying to do so.
Please forgive the spelling and gramatical errors I am writing the via my cell phone while I'm at a doc appointment.
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, September 13, 2008
In ones life....
In ones life a little rain must fall. It is physically raining here today as it has been for 2 days now. It's strangely comforting. For a very brief moment it was as if God himself was weeping for the loss the world had. I know, my dad was a small cog in a vast machine, and that everything in the world didn't know him. For some reason the rain makes me feel not so alone.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
And Still......
Ah man, I don't think I can take anymore of this, and why when I am only asleep, why not remember these things or see these things while I am awake?
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
For my dad
I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Trying
OK folks... It is me... I am battling some stuff right now regarding my dads death 3 years ago that I still have not really dealt with. Plus current events here in the home with my mom and older sister. I am trying to figure all this out and have consulted many peeps. However, it is all to personal right now to even write about it in this moment. I will eventually just be patient with me. I am trying. I thank those of you whom have offered advice and experience. it has been helpful. thanks for you patients...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Revelations about myself
I remember the day my dad died in Feb. 24th 2005 and the months leading up to it. He was so sick and almost died a few months before he did. I had moved back from Southern California to take care of my 73 year old mother. She needed the help and I was willing to give up my life to do it. I am great in any kind of difficulty / crisis. his illness was just that. I've been described as stoic / tough through it all I was strong for mom, showed little of my own emotion and just knew I had to shake it off and move on. The day he died I was there holding is hand. when it was over I walked out of the room collapsed on the floor in the hallway, sobbed for a few minutes then pulled it together, walked out and started making phone calls and arrangements. I have been that way ever since, and even long before.
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....
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