Revelations about myself

I remember the day my dad died in Feb. 24th 2005 and the months leading up to it. He was so sick and almost died a few months before he did. I had moved back from Southern California to take care of my 73 year old mother. She needed the help and I was willing to give up my life to do it. I am great in any kind of difficulty / crisis. his illness was just that. I've been described as stoic / tough through it all I was strong for mom, showed little of my own emotion and just knew I had to shake it off and move on. The day he died I was there holding is hand. when it was over I walked out of the room collapsed on the floor in the hallway, sobbed for a few minutes then pulled it together, walked out and started making phone calls and arrangements. I have been that way ever since, and even long before.
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....

Back home

So I got back yesterday afternoon. Very tired and exhausted, but in a good way. It went exactly how God wanted it to that much I do know. The ego in me wanted to do more, but I had to do and say only what He wanted me to say. I pray I did so. Meaning said enough or didn't talk too much.
So I am back home. I am facing a challenge of a different sort. Maybe I will write about it later. For now it is in the Lord's hands and a few people who will cover me with prayer while I wait and refuse to fear. (Easier said than done) god tells us not to but I am, but than I remember who and what I am and that it all belongs at the feet of God. I just need to not keep going back to pick it up again. What a struggle.
Anyway, I am tired today and going to just rest in everything God has given me. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.....