So it's been awhile

OK so it has been a spell. OK OK over a year. In my defense I have had more than a little on my plate. Putting pen to parchment has not been on the forefront of the to do list. However, thru some gentle prodding from 2 very determined people here I am.

Kiki



Sasha





To give a general update: November 26th, 2010 at 2:20 AM my house had a major fire. It stole a lot of things but most importantly it stole my Sasha, my mini schnauzer- 5 yrs, Kiki, a Maltese- 4 yrs, we fostered in the winter, Ashley, cinnamon tabby cat - 15 yrs, Coco, Siamese cat - 5 yrs, and Missy, blue calico - 4 yrs old. Sasha was my dog. I got her as a puppy and proved everyone wrong who said mine and      the dogs personalities would clash and I would have an awful behaving dog. Give me a challenge and I may just rise to the occasion.

 

Coco



 

Ashley

Almost a year after having her life stolen from me I am not sure I have yet to come out of the darkness. The tears are always on the edge of falling hot down my cheeks. My heart has yet to rebound. The animals died alone. Granted they were in the house together but only the 2 dogs were found together, but I was not there. Well I was but I wasn't. I went back in to get them all and passed out from the smoke. (I was told this when I spoke to police officers to thank them I was found 2 feet from the dogs in the kitchen) I was prepared to go with them and see my dad again. I would be lying if I said I have not wished I had on several occasions since. Only due to the sheer grief of not having the lives lost here not having a death wish myself. Been there, done that, years and years ago.



Missy



( Let me jump ahead a moment and say we have since gotten another dog - Tally, a male Teddy Bear - it's a hybrid / designer breed a mix between a Bichon and a shih tzu. Yes, he is adorable and I love him. I got him from the humane society, he's 5. We also have gotten a new cat - a siamese mix 4 yrs) pictured below.

  

I ask myself almost daily "where does that part of my heart go now?" Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine and confessed that I don't love Tally the same as Sasha. However, it's not that same love I had / have for Sasha. I can't explain it, but it left a hole in my heart. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-write the message to myself since the fire "...Sasha saved my life and I didn't save hers..." Yes, I tried the police reports confirm it, but the fact remains I DIDN'T. She died without me to comfort her, albeit I was prepared to go with her and the other pets, it's not the same. People try to comfort me by telling me to remember the peace I felt last and know that is what they felt. I want to shout YES, AND I REMEMBER THE PAIN IN MY THROAT, LUNGS, FEAR, TERROR I FELT BEFORE I FELT THAT PEACE!!!"

My friend told me everyone has that one "heart dog" and no other will ever fill that. Well, Sasha is my heart dog!

We are back in the house now. Granted it had to be gutted to the studs and even some of them had to be replaced. It took 7 months to do so and it does not look exactly the same as there have been some big and small changes done but I still see the ghosts of the lives lost in the fire in places they spent much time or had funny memories attached to them; even if the area does look different now.

Will that part of my heart ever come out of the dark? Did the fire write the epilogue to this book of mine that has been churning around in my head for years upon years? Or is this the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to the one not yet finished.

I don't know if this is really finishing the thoughts I indented to convey but I am hitting post.



For my dad

I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.