History

If history is any reference than I have a great deal to learn. I have to learn to love deeper, forgive more, not judge people for where they are in the moment, and give more of myself to others that need help. I need to learn to be a better sister (older and younger). I was a horrendous sister all the way around and in many ways still am from what I gather. I am not sure how to do this, but through God and His word I am learning. Emotions run cavernous and burns hot, I love them both I just do not know how to articulate it to them in ways they will be received with the intent they are meant. I tend to be a very gruff and up front people. One gets what they see with me. I also need to learn to discipline that side of me.
I call it fervor. I have a lot of it for all sorts of things. I believe that God comes first in all things, then family, than everything else. Sometimes my vehemence gets the best of me. I am working on that too. I am not ashamed to admit I am a work in progress, than again aren’t we all?
I am very arcane with how I feel. I don’t like to let people know how I feel because I always think that it can then be used against me. So I keep them to myself. Vulnerability is not a major sturdy point for me. Yes, I have been egomaniacal at times; however, I feel that is something that I am overcoming. I like to give rather than receive. I enjoy watching people’s faces when I do so. Even in New Orleans there was nothing in it for me, it was all for them. I may have structured the drives for whatever was needed and synchronized everything, but when I was complimented I would simply say those who donated were the real hero’s I am just the driver. Nothing more nothing less. I just get things from point A to point B. The houses I helped gut or build had no gain in it for me, it was all about the people we were helping. I enjoy it more than words could explain.
So I guess I need to work on conveying my feelings more too. ARGH, that could cause some serious anguish, I like my comfort zones.
So much to work on I guess that just goes to prove I am human being and make human faux pas just like everyone else in the world.
Ah well, those are my thoughts for tonight.