Time Traveling

First let me begin by saying yes I know it is late or early for some 3:33 AM. I am having a bad night physically. I am sure by now most of those that read this know I had my 20 year class reunion in August. What most did not know at that time was about a week before I heard the words that altered my life and shook me to the core as nothing ever before or since. The doctor came in the room and gently and softly said she was sorry but the mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI all showed that I had one rather large tumor and another that was not as big. They did the biopsy and again the doctor came in the room and said I have an aggressive stage 2 breast cancer. OK now I had to figure out how to process this. I couldn't. I didn't tell anyone, literally no one. Hell, no one even knew I had a mammo. Slowly I began to tell a very small circle of people I felt I could really trust. I was referred to a cancer care center and I have since had surgery and it was discovered that there was actually a third. The problem was it was growing between the collarbone and the breastbone. Like being wedged in. Now my doctor who is wonderful began to consult with other docs to figure out how to remove it without breaking or fracturing the bone because of the high concentration of cancer cells the chance of them getting into the bone according to the docs would only have given me maybe a 30% survival rate. The next surgery they did it with 3 surgeons in the room. I was terrified going into the OR but felt confident. I have since had many more imaging tests and they showed that there was part of that tumor they did not get. So it is still there. I have been going through radiation therapy and it is exhausting. It scares me and puts things in a perspective that I have never had before.
Now to the time traveling. Tonight first, I am in physical pain, and to be honest emotionally I am not in a good place. I have lived a colorful life to say the least. I fear that if this tumor is unable to be taken care of I don't what my life expectancy is. I have learned over the years of my colorful life to smile and just act as if nothing is wrong. I am very good at that, mastered it. Tonight I am having a bad night. There are so many things I want to do and kids I want to help and future teachers to help them understand kids as I was. Therefore, it has thrust me into a place that I am unfamiliar with. So I have begun to share my life story with future teachers. I did so on Tuesday to a group of college students specifically going to be special education teachers, which I was a sped kid too hyper and smart for my own good. I don't know if it the docs can get this into remission or not I don't know how much time I have on this earth no one does and I have decided that it is time to share my story with those it can help. I have the help of a former teacher which is a HUGE blessing. I couldn't do it alone. It is still difficult. I tire very quickly. It's like taking someone who lives their live at a 100 miles an hour and taking them to 50 mph instantly. That has been the hardest adjustment. There are times I am still in denial that this is even happening to me. I feel like I brought it upon myself because of things I have been through in my life. It doesn't matter if it was willing or not I still feel it is my fault and I brought all this on myself.
Due to speaking to these college students has sent me on a journey that is difficult but I want my message to get out to many people as possible so when they become teachers or whatever they will have a greater understanding of those kids that have live a life similar to mine. I want other kids to not have to experience things I did in school or home. The problem with that is it brings it all back to that moment. The time it happened, my mind goes back to that age and I feel it as if it is happening all over again. Now with the cancer my perspective on life. I need to share my life so others can learn learn from it. I will do anything I need to do regardless of how difficult it is. I can handle the physical pain; the emotional pain is more challenging. Sharing my life story is even more difficult.
My perspective on life has changed and I don't know what it holds for me. Will I live or die from the cancer. I am terrified to share it but I will do it through the terror. It is not easy thank God; I have a friend that helps me through the hard parts. She is a blessing in my life and was in sixth grade. She just didn't know it then. I hope she knows it now.
This person does not get everything I have been taught to believe but that is OK. Sharing my life with a group of strangers let me tell you it challenging, but this person challenges me in ways no one has done before.
I don't know that my future holds, but I am going to do as much as I can and make s much of a difference as I can. I know that I need to share my life with people and as hard as it is, I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to make a difference for all the kids like I was. You can look back at other blogs I have written to see what some of those are.
Maybe it is the medicine my defences are down I am taking, but I feel compeled to share just a few instinses. (I edited somethings out here in case my young neice or nephews see this) I have had some awful experiences with former teachers. However, I have survived it all. Not without repercussions, but what can you expect when I basically raised myself. I have compassion for people more don't. My life isn't that bad there are bright spots, my parents aren't bad parents, nor were all my teachers were horrible only 2 in particular.
This whole cancer thing and speaking to future teachers has caused me to think differently. Life is precious and I try to make a memory of everything that I do.
Tonight is a tough night for me. I am feeling very discouraged tonight, not to mention the physical pain tonight. I put a smile on my face and just continue on as if everything is just fine with me. Even when it's not. Which is now. I am afraid to tell people the latest result of all the imagine tests.
My life is what it is. I can't change it, but I can help others with it. I am fighting to beat this but there are times I feel I just can't do it. Thank God for good friends, a great doctor, and the prayers that are going forth for me. I have never run from a fight or backed down from a challenge. I am tired of the pain and and being tired. I am still feisty and there are days I feel I can beat this and other days that that I want to through up my hands in defeat and just let the cancer take its course.
If my life story will help one future teacher or save one kid, it's worth it. I had never shared it with anyone until speaking to the university students until that evening. I walked away from the college students was a milestone for me. Being told you have aggressive breast cancer everything. I will say that it puts thing about life in a completely new perspective.
When I was talking to the college student it really, it was difficult. They seemed respectful of my life. I pushed myself harder to get the job done.
So I do have pain and but to save 1 kid or help 1 sped teacher it's all worth it. So the physical pains groans on, I have a smile on my face, this time traveling through my life as hard but continue I must.

Do you ever?

1. Do you ever just want to scream STOP the train I want to get off?
   
2. Do you ever feel like around every corner is yet another crap storm?
   
3. Do you ever want to throw your hands up in defeat?
   
4. Do you ever feel like what is the point in all this?
   
5. Do you ever wonder what the lesson to be learned is?
   
6. Do you ever think fine whatever the lesson hurry up and get it over with already?
   
7. Do you ever get sick of hearing all in good time?
   
8. Do you ever tire of hearing people tell you everything happens for a reason?
   

If you answer yes to any of the above join the club. I seem to be saying, feeling or thinking these things frequently lately. So here is what I am learning..

1. You can scream STOP the train I want to get off, but that does not mean the brakes will actually work. You can jump off, but the second ride down the same tracks may be worse, and cost more.
   
2. Crap storms happen
   
3. Throwing your hands up in defeat just means that the battle will come around again.
   
4. Often it really doesn't matter what the point is at the time.
   
5. The lesson needed to be learned will never be known until you look back on it later.
   
6. Some lessons cannot be hurried they need time to marinate and become apart of who we are as people and learn everything the lesson entailed.
   
7. All in good time is an oxymoron. It may take time but it doesn't have to be good.
   
8. Everything happens for a reason, which may be true but refer back to crap storms happen.
   

These are the only words of wisdom I have tonight. I am not feeling very wise lately. More like being in the middle of well…. A crap storm!

____________________

How throwaways do it part trois (three in French)

I have been asked why and how some throwaway kids make it through and furthermore make it intact to grow and sometimes even flourish into adulthood. I'll try to explain.

Saying that we make it through unscathed, integral or unbroken would be a lie. Truthfully, we don't. There is no way we can. Some may remain lost souls forever. We will forever struggle to reconcile all that has been embezzled from us either by force or of our giving out of fear of retribution if we don't give freely, to the silent part of us that has been thrust to the deepest darkest part of our souls after time even we forget it's there because it never sees the light until we know beyond all doubt we will be safe, even then others have to work impossibly hard to even catch a glimpse of it. Yet, there is a third and forth part that we need to interconnect to the above. Our intelligence or psyche, and the obstinate or as some would say defiant nature some of have, yes some more than others so stop laughing already folks..

Let me see if I can try and simplify this without over thinking it.

Every time a throwaway kid is hit, called stupid, dumb, or told we will never amount to anything so why don't we just drop out of school, or check ourselves into jail, some that are suppose to love and care for us will even go as far to tell us that we should just kill ourselves so they don't have to look at us anymore or so we will no longer be able to bring shame to the family or the good family name and that it would save the tax payers money is they didn't have to pay for us in prison for the rest of our lives. Basically anytime things happen to us that most say shouldn't happen to a kid we have to allow ourselves to separate just a little bit more from the core of the essence of what others say we were born to be even though we know differently what our true purpose for us is (that was covered in the previous post). We have to leave a small amount of what we think is an insignificant part of us behind in that place.

Let me add here it's not like a psych disorder like dissociative disorder, or schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or anything like that. There is no psychological disorder that plays a role in this process at all, except maybe oppositional defiant disorder that that will eventually work for us.

We just know we can't hold it all at one time so we leave some behind and move on to the next event. It is how define survival of the fittest. Those that cannot do that may not make it out the other side. I know I almost didn't. I was holding it all and it was bubbling, raging, and boiling just below the surface and began to overtake my brain because as a throwaway who was I to tell not to mention as a throwaway who can we tell that may believe us regardless of how many bruises, and if we do we can be assured even more trouble will be waiting for us at home or where ever we go later. Throwaway kids are just seen as selfish, disconsolate, emotionally aggrieved children If we do take the risk and bring someone into our confidence, oh hell, it makes the situations worse. So we stay silent and pray someone notices something so we don't have to say it.

Another adjunct here, we throwaways can write about everything that has happened in our lives in beautiful or really dark prose or poetry, sometimes even songs, make the most spectacular and disturbing drawings and paintings, play wonderful or dank music, or develop our own language or words, codes sort of, only we will ever know what it means, but for us to sit down and say the words as the rest of society knows them, to speak them it brings an even greater shame, guilt, self loathing, resentment and hate for ourselves, blame and solidifies our conviction to our belief that it's why we were born to be the takers of everyone else's crap. Most will never know this but to a throwaway it brings a whole type of pain. Not pain per say but heaviness or burden on us that now we have to stand in the reality of the true word definitions and then see the horror on others faces when they hear them. That becomes more severe, cumbersome, and almost feels more violent then the occurrences themselves. We feel like we are being pounded into the ground and would rather melt right then and there to avoid that. Yet, we also know that if we get the chance to get older that we will eventually need to face that. Again, that is where having our friends listen to our silence is important no matter how old we get.

Throwaways also are masters at compartmentalizing things. This is also part of the separating things from ourselves. We must keep every event apart from the others. We don't like to just stack everything on top of the others. Although there are times we have to because our compartments become to full. At that point we categorize them by type of event it was, what it involved. Speaking from experience here when we do that we actually do forget about some of those things especially if the one who did it we are trying to hold on to some at least neutral memory. We forget it so it won't be on instant recall and bring the 'bad' memories to cloud the semi neutral ones we want to keep. I wonder if that even makes sense to anyone reading this.

As a side note: another thing throwaways do and I know this drives many people nuts; is minimize everything. Nothing is a big deal, nothing no matter the severity is a major occurrence. In our minds we believe this because we feel that if we survived it, than it's just not that big of a deal. Anyone that is not a throwaway kid past or present will never be able to see things that way. To them anything bad that happened to us is a big deal. We honestly believe in our hearts it's not a little thing but that inner voice does not yell loud enough to over take the inner voice that whispers in our heads., it's just another part of a throwaways life that is what it is. As long as we continue to survive than everything is fine and it's just another day in the life. Even if we do actually know it's something is not just a blip on the scale we have a hard time acknowledging it to anyone. To do so in our minds would mean that we were or are not tough enough to just not have it effect us. By a throwaway minimizing everything it makes it easier to continue to get out of bed each morning and continue to move ahead. Some how it is just easier to understand everything that's going on in our lives. A throwaway knows that at some point they will have to grasp the magnitude of things but they can't until the whisper of the heart over takes the screaming in their heads. Some throwaways just may need a little help making the heart voice louder. However, unless you are a throwaway one would never know that.

By keeping things separate we can hold them easier. It is at those points in our life I don't know what you call it but where some force enters your life and pulls some hidden rip cord we didn't even know was there that kicks those nice neatly stacked boxes over and creates a continuous running movie in your mind of everything. That is where we freak and become anxious. Now it's a film and all the emotions we thought we didn't have ascend and we have to make a choice to feel and acknowledge them or walk away from them. Although by walking away from them all a throwaway usually will self destruct in short order. Even if they have to take them in stages that is better than trying to leave them in the dust.

This is where our oppositional defiance helps us. This next part is going to sound stupid and completely brainless but follow me. Somewhere in the recesses of our mind where our self reliance and independence we had to have to raise ourselves because no one else wanted to participate, we intellectually know we are incredibly strong individuals. We are stubborn to a fault. From there is where we have to make our choices once we are free to do so without anyone else beating their own agenda on our already scarred bodies. We have to find our passion, decide what will rule our every thought and action and pursue whatever that is with as much violence, force, authority and control that was used against our every waking moment during all the time we were held hostage.

We have to find a very delicate equilibrium and calculate everything down the minutest of details. We have to make sure that all of the pain, mistrust in all humanity, the hate we have for ourselves and that others have for us, betrayal we felt around every single corner we turned, brutality we lived with and know as our normal and comfort zone, all of that we still have to keep hidden.

I'll simplify a bit and bring it to a more understandable situation.

You don't walk into a job interview or when you first meet someone that has the potential of being a friend, I really want this job and to be your friend but oh by the way if you ever feel the need to have to vent some anger and want to give me a fist to the face because either you or I feel I deserve it go ahead it's ok really, I'll be fine. And since were on that just so you are aware I may have certain quirks that you may find unusual like I may be really jumpy around people I don't know, or large crowds, and I may jump up and punch you in the face if you approach me from my blind spot without letting me know in some way you are coming, I'm sorry in advance for that it's just because when I was growing from as long as I remember and I remember much farther back that anybody I know, I had to endure through some very excruciating things that killed my spirit and soul and took things from me by force that was not for them to take but for me to give if I chose but deserved it every single time because I am a throwaway and my purpose in life is to be your slave and servant here to satisfy and gratify you in any way you may choose to use me, but by way when do I report for my first day, and lets go see a movie sometime new friend. That job and friend would poof right out of there leaving nothing but a charcoal trail they left as they burned the ground they left so fast. That is what the throwaway has to process to keep themselves appearing to be as normal as everyone else, when inside they know they must have a huge mark on them that everyone can see listing all their faults.

So we have to make sure none of that shows in our eyes or little quirks. We have to force ourselves to do things that at the time make us feel like we are going to hyperventilate and pass out. All to appear that we are just like everyone, or at least what they link is normal. We have to be every vigilant of what and how we say things. We over think to such an extreme other joke about it and tell us to just stop doing it. We can't that is another way we survived to bring us to where we are today. Now it is even more important. There are things that are still in the shadows even the memories are faint but some of those people could still actually get in trouble even if we are now adults. So we censor and edit every word that escapes our lips. It also prevents us from letting anyone get to close to that little scared and worthless child in us still lives. We still say all the same things in the high decibels of our silence I stated in the previous post except to an adult throwaway we have to control that too. Let's face it we would be and look stupid If we didn't. It is all part of the balance.

My last point is most people that find out there are throwaways out here are amazed that we have any capacity to love, care, know what Is right and wrong, have a solid moral compass on which we stand, and just basically turned out to be some of what appears to be the most forgiving and compassionate people they have ever met. They can't begin to fathom how we raised ourselves, and are not jaded, or filled with so much fury and resentment that we don't want to destroy everyone that ever laid a hand on us like a friend of mine told me today how "disgusted and angry" at this person being discussed because of what happened.

We can't acknowledge or have access to all those feelings my friend mentioned today. We don't understand why others get so worked up about things that to a throwaway are just a part of our life. It is just another given that things like that happen to us. It is our normal, it is what we know as love and self worth. We know it is better to be wanted for something even if it hurtful to us. We can't stay in that angry spiteful place because if we do we will spontaneously combust. We have to chose what is important and worth wasting time on and what isn't. However, we have to be defiant and rebellious just enough to be able decide ya know what screw all you people! All of you, all of you wretched, miserable, putrid, repugnant, disingenuous, ungrateful, sorry sons and daughters of bitches, poor excuses of a human beings, you are a living, breathing proof that not only have human genomes not only been through several stages of evolution but that huge mutations as do really occur. What you will never know unless you have a highly developed and sensitive ear to read and hear the silence you won't know that while we convey that on the peripheral in the confidential, secret recess of a throwaways mind we will still know and believe with every ounce of our being that we not only deserved but in someway asked for every minute of it and feel worthy to have been chosen.

As to why we love so deeply regardless of all that has been done to us it is very simple and complex all at the same time. Simply speaking because we can so why not? On a multifarious elevation we do because we HAVE to, because despite any of the broken bones people may have caused, type of violation committed against the throwaway especially if by societal norms some of those people had been entrusted with safeguarding our hearts, minds and bodies are the exact people that began the conditioning they would need to numb themselves out and learn how to separate and leave those little particles of myself behind so they could continue to take more from anyone else that may want a piece of them. We have to love because it's how can continue to see the same people and and continue to endure day after day.

The populace that our voices will not be silent for is those that have been entrusted to care for the throwaway. They will protect them at any cost even if it is with our spirit and body. They will be thunderous in our defense of them. They will fight and argue that those people didn't mean to do it. They didn't mean to teach us that the definition of all love is total and complete viciousness annihilation of the throwaways innocent child's spirit, soul and body that was placed in their arms through whatever channels it took to get that throwaway there. The fresh untarnished unwritten upon slate of the life you now hold. That is what a throwaway knows and believes is love. Anything thing that wavers off that base line we do not understand and is ironically viewed as abuse.

It is also an undying need that another driving intensity is our conceded selfishness that is if a throwaway continues to love them with all our might maybe just maybe someday it will come back to them. The way all our unspoken silent screams beg and yearn for and not the way we know it love to be. If we love them deep enough, hard enough, and with every ounce of everything we have in us eventually they will come around and finally protect us, keep us safe, hold and hug us the way we have needed so long ago. All along we know that will never happen. We will continue to deserve to be a throwaway to all civilization and know that we will be thrown right back into the dumpster or trash mountain we had to climb out of just so you could hurt and accost the throwaway again.

Yet, we love also so we can help all the throwaways that are still coming behind us. So we can teach them how to survive through it. So we can tell them we understand their silence in a way no one else ever could or will. So we can reach our hand out to them so they can grab hold to be pulled out of their deepest secret place. So we can hold them and tell them they too will be OK. So we can do for them every single thing that all the people in our own lives failed to do no matter how loud we cried, begged, needed, wanted or pleaded for. So we will not have to look back and wonder if we did enough, if we touched them, improved their life, made them feel safe and did everything we could for them regardless of bureaucratic red tape. That we jumped every hurtle, and scaled the tallest of buildings, cut the chains and protected them no matter what harm may befall us. So that they will know that anything that maybe be coming to them we will step in front of their small, bruised, broken and violated body so that the attack will have to pass through us first now. We will wipe away their tears, even those that run hot down their throat so no one can see them. So they will know we not only see them we hear them. We will take them home and make their life better and not just tell them we want or wanted to. We will take action to safeguard your spirit, soul and body even if that means our bodies get broken, bruised, violated, and more scars form on top of the ones already there. We will fight to the death for them until we no longer have even the smallest amount of oxygen left in our lungs or own body collapses and falls into the grave that was dug for us the day we were born. So they will know how to champion and wage war for all the ones that will follow after them.

It all follows what we know to be our purpose in life. Fulfill everyone else's needs at all costs. Do it all to us, we can take is, they cannot. Let us take it or you steal it from us, let us service you and please you. We must place all throwaways that are to follow into that equation too, so their burden will not be so heavy, and maybe by us taking it they won't have to and may even be able to end up in the 'good' ones group.

That is why we must love, have compassion, come out on the other side, and be as oppositional and defiant as we can be.

I hope this had some semblance of reason I explained it well enough.

There may be more to follow later. This post seems scattered to me and may get some tweaking later. For now, here it is...

Lightning storms

Lightening storms seem to sweep through my life at different times. Some are way off in the distance like those you see in the desert south west. Others are deafeningly loud so they shake the ground all around.
Maybe I was just electric and called all of these dangerous and exciting things to me. Maybe fires were always starting around me to protect me from the world. Or I put the fire ring around me to keep everyone else at bay. I don't know, I just know that as far back as I can remember I was walking around in a group of people and had never felt more lonely.
People didn't seem to want to talk to me about what I want to talk about. They want to talk about the weather and I want to know about me.