Now is the time

It is in times like this where we find out who are real friends are.During the times we have nothing tangible to give to others just our heart and our friendship. When we are along and bored and people know how to reach you and the avenues of communucation now a days are wide open and yet the phone stays silent, and the E box just collects junk.

It becomes apparent during these times that if you are the only one making an effort to stay in touch with people maybe those people do not deserve to be called friends. I am expempting those certain individuals who told me ahead of time what their plans were. Too many others just are too caught up in their own stuff and frankly selfish when it comes to who they call friends.

This who thing just exas erbates things. I din't get a formal invite to my best friends little girls 5 b-day party because she was not sure if I would be feeling up to it. I just told her ya won't know until you try. She eventually invite me when asking about some pictures I needed to get to them. I don't have the plauge, I have breast cancer. Which is being treated accordingly. I cannot give it to anyone and I don't need to be avoided just in case. I am still me. Goofy, funny. opinionated, sarcastic, over thinking individualI have always been. I just think others are afraid when they hear someone has the big C and they don't know what to say. I say talk to me like you always have. If I am not feeling well enough to attend the party I will let ya know. Just don't treat me different. Many people I have called friends have fallen to the wayside since I told them.

During times like I a have where at times I can get depressed becaue I am so tired much of the time, and I am bored just laying around here. I would hope htat my friends would remember that when they ned someone to be a friend or be with them I am always the first person they call and I will do whatI can to get there no matter the distance.

Maybe I need to create a new gauge for friendship. I don't want to be a friend of conveinence or only if they need something. I want o have my phone ring from time to time and just hear a friendly voice on the other end say I just called to say hi what's up with you lately? I don't want to be the constant instigator of those calls and Emails.

This experience the last few days have beenenlightening to say the least. If you want brutal honestly right now I am crying (which I never do) but I am because I finally see the big picture of who my friends are and are not. It saddens me. I'm lonely and people seems so afraid to be around me like they can catch it. I don't understand it but it is what it is.

I do understand people have bus y lives with work, school, family etc. But it does not take but a few minutes to punch an Email out,or place a phone call. I don't know maybe it's my frame of mind and being bummed out tonight but it just seems like it would be easier to go back to what I know for sure years ago. IF I am going to survive and thrive thatI need to pull everything I need frommyself and never reply on anyone one else ever. Friends are good but acquaintances are sometimes better. With friendships there becomes a certain trust and healthy dependence on. The best analogy I can think of right now as I amfalling asleep typing is imagine a 2 lane raod but 1 lane stops 1/4 of the way. Now I am in the lane that goes all the way to the end and sopme of my so called friends are at that end coming towards me, but the road ends before we even get to the half way point. And they can't figure out anyother was to reach at least that half way mark. If it were me i would get out and walk it, or go off road to ge there. I am a very loyal friend and will do whatI have to to get to my friends if they need something. Just as my friend in So Cali. she neded me and in less then 12 hours of hanging up the phone with her I was on a plane and not only that had landed in San Diego , rented a car and was at her hours. This was 12 hours after she said she needed me and I knew she was in bad shape. I am not asking for anythign drastic like that but I have had 1 phone call and that was tonight and one text. It's lonely, but it is a good thing I am used to feeling that way at many different tmes in my life. It is a familiar feeling to me. I can cope with it. I guess I just thought that I was finally past that and hadsome great friends. Guess that whole thought needs to be reexamined. Maybe I just need to pull back from everyone. It would save me the tears that are falling now, and sorrow in my heart.

Oh well that is life, or at least mine. I don't have he same energy to be the one to always make the contact first. So my guess is even more will fall to the weigh side. I don't ant them too but thatis up to them. whatever, I am fine. Always have been always will be!

Please forgive any spelling errors I am more than half a sleep writing this. Don't feel like running a spell check.

Lightning storms

Lightening storms seem to sweep through my life at different times. Some are way off in the distance like those you see in the desert south west. Others are deafeningly loud so they shake the ground all around.
Maybe I was just electric and called all of these dangerous and exciting things to me. Maybe fires were always starting around me to protect me from the world. Or I put the fire ring around me to keep everyone else at bay. I don't know, I just know that as far back as I can remember I was walking around in a group of people and had never felt more lonely.
People didn't seem to want to talk to me about what I want to talk about. They want to talk about the weather and I want to know about me.