Don't speak it out!

OK it's been a while. I have not really had anything to say. Well, that's not totally true. I have said a great deal in my community about issues we have going on here, just not here on my blog.

Have you ever had something inside you that was so deep and personal? A hope, dream for your life, job or something similar? You don't want to talk about it, or express it to anyone. Afraid of what would happen if your dream did or didn't come to fruition? So you keep it between you and God. You don't tell or talk to your closest friends about it. Even if your friends know you have a talent or gifting for the area your secret sits in. So you sluff it off as a random event.

A prime example of this is: I have always had a love or passion if you wish for words. Any and all words. I loved the way random letters come together to form thoughts, opinions, feelings or anything. I picked up how to formulate these letters very young.

In school I was always "housed" in the "special education classes". I was a rambunctious kid with what some said was hyper. I say bored, bored to death. So I caused all kinds of havoc as a way to keep my brain from shriveling up and shutting down. The teachers didn't appreciate this too much. I had also figured out very very young that if I showed as little potential as possible little was expected. It was like "oh she tied her shoes YEAH!! clap clap" So that was my thought process in ELEMENTARY school. Scary right? It gets better. Every year my special Ed teacher would have to test us to see how close to grade level we were performing. I remember the day in 2nd or 3rd grade that this occurred. (That's another problem I remember everything practically, I forget very little. Some how things stay in the back of my mind yet available for instant recall.)

Anyway, I chose to actually try on some of the tests. So I randomly chose what I would and would not perform on. I chose to take the reading, vocabulary, comprehension and all that one seriously. So when the annual reports went home I peeked at mine. I tested almost out high school. I was only in 2nd or 3rd grade. I was the kid that would sit on my dad's lap and read the paper to him once in a while. I know crazy kid.

After those tests went home I had some explaining to do. I said it was a fluke and did my best to bomb every test I was given after that. It worked, I was successful., YEAH!

For all the years following up to where I am today, I held my secret. I have written things in the past. Creative writings, college papers, things for media outlets etc. and have had any number of my friends tell me "God made you to be a writer." Or things of the sort. I would think ya ya whatever. All while holding onto my secret.

Well, I have recently made the decision to test the waters. I responded to an ad in the same paper I have done front page articles for about my many Hurricane Katrina disaster response trips to New Orleans, they were advertising for freelance writers. I called, and was told they would give me a shot. WOW.

I was scared and elated all in the same moment. The simple first story was about the Daisy Girl Scout troop of 5 - 6 year olds. What is the old saying? Never work with animals or kids they steal your own thunder? I did it and was and am proud of such a simple story.

So for those that have tried to push me into some sort of writing over the years I am trying to do some sort of semblance of it now. Are ya happy? (snickering) However, putting some of my most private or emotional thoughts into those random patterns to create words and sentences are still difficult.

There is still a little fear left. I have put myself out there and been approved of. Not not only by humans, but by my heart. the silent, still place that lingers by itself afraid to raise it's hand to be seen. I have always known that there was something different about me and my fascination with words. As I got older I understood that it was a gift from God. I do not know if I would describe it as calling or anything but I know it comes from God, not me.

I know that sometimes when I do write certain things (and I know this may sound strange to some) I feel different. I don't feel the need to read it over and many times do not even want to. In college I always started writing my papers the night before they were due and handed them in without a re-read and got A's. I usually stayed up all night writing them. For some reason my most creative or open times always come in the middle of the night, and I do mean always. Figure that one out.. Sure, there are times that I become insecure and re-read edit, and repeat over and over again, but this brings me to my entire point.


We as humans can have gifts, talents, callings, skills etc, and we can be confident in them. However, I believe that if we leave that place of questioning and rest in our own confidence we move outside of God's grace. We step out on our own and hang ourselves over the cliff. There we dangle and wonder what happened to our giftings. It is not until we look back later that we see what happened. Is it pride? In part. Is it human nature? In part.

It is not that we are not comfortable in our individual skills. It is that we fail to remember it is God who gave it to us. Even if there are others with similar abilities it is He who made them so minutely different our human eye may not see the differentials. It is He who continues to re-supply us with it. That is what we forget in our own busy, hurried, self confident lives.

Just another tale from the rabbit trail.
I would love to know if this makes any sense to anyone else but me.

Peace

Amazing I get the results of my tests tomorrow and I am not afraid. Interested yes, fearful no. I have really prayed for the peace that passes all understanding. It really does. I have talked to many people who have said the waiting it the hard part. For me it was the waiting for the surgery to get it out. However, after i am amazed at the relief I do feel. Many people have helped through this time, family and friends alike. I am grateful for their support and words of wisdom they have imparted to me. Those things all combined have helped me get to the point where I am now. Resting in the peace of God, which ya kind of have to do after surgery and all the meds they pump ya with and pain killers after, but just knowing even if it does come back as positive the doctor said he got it. I trust him, and I trust the big Him.
So tomorrow at 10:30 I go in for the post op and get the results and everything and we shall see where that takes me. I am reminded of the book by Robert Frost: The road less traveled. That is what this feels like for me. This whole 16 days since I found it. (most of you know what it is) I have a wide array of emotion from panic, anger, gripping fear, vulnerability, hopelessness, encouragement, frustration, then there was and is the peace, hope, warrior instinct to go into battle if i need to over this, and just incredible love from family and friends. I can't remember a time when I felt that much emotion in such a short period of time. Emotions are not a strong point for me. Yes I am passionate about many things and there are times that when expressed appropriately anger is passion, therefore I am the passionate one. but now..... I will take whatever the answer is from the doctor and forge ahead. All the while knowing that god is driving the bus. And that's a tough one for me because I like to the one behind the wheel, but this time and I am sure every other time as well, He does a better job at it when I am just a passenger....

History

If history is any reference than I have a great deal to learn. I have to learn to love deeper, forgive more, not judge people for where they are in the moment, and give more of myself to others that need help. I need to learn to be a better sister (older and younger). I was a horrendous sister all the way around and in many ways still am from what I gather. I am not sure how to do this, but through God and His word I am learning. Emotions run cavernous and burns hot, I love them both I just do not know how to articulate it to them in ways they will be received with the intent they are meant. I tend to be a very gruff and up front people. One gets what they see with me. I also need to learn to discipline that side of me.
I call it fervor. I have a lot of it for all sorts of things. I believe that God comes first in all things, then family, than everything else. Sometimes my vehemence gets the best of me. I am working on that too. I am not ashamed to admit I am a work in progress, than again aren’t we all?
I am very arcane with how I feel. I don’t like to let people know how I feel because I always think that it can then be used against me. So I keep them to myself. Vulnerability is not a major sturdy point for me. Yes, I have been egomaniacal at times; however, I feel that is something that I am overcoming. I like to give rather than receive. I enjoy watching people’s faces when I do so. Even in New Orleans there was nothing in it for me, it was all for them. I may have structured the drives for whatever was needed and synchronized everything, but when I was complimented I would simply say those who donated were the real hero’s I am just the driver. Nothing more nothing less. I just get things from point A to point B. The houses I helped gut or build had no gain in it for me, it was all about the people we were helping. I enjoy it more than words could explain.
So I guess I need to work on conveying my feelings more too. ARGH, that could cause some serious anguish, I like my comfort zones.
So much to work on I guess that just goes to prove I am human being and make human faux pas just like everyone else in the world.
Ah well, those are my thoughts for tonight.