Do you ever?

1. Do you ever just want to scream STOP the train I want to get off?
   
2. Do you ever feel like around every corner is yet another crap storm?
   
3. Do you ever want to throw your hands up in defeat?
   
4. Do you ever feel like what is the point in all this?
   
5. Do you ever wonder what the lesson to be learned is?
   
6. Do you ever think fine whatever the lesson hurry up and get it over with already?
   
7. Do you ever get sick of hearing all in good time?
   
8. Do you ever tire of hearing people tell you everything happens for a reason?
   

If you answer yes to any of the above join the club. I seem to be saying, feeling or thinking these things frequently lately. So here is what I am learning..

1. You can scream STOP the train I want to get off, but that does not mean the brakes will actually work. You can jump off, but the second ride down the same tracks may be worse, and cost more.
   
2. Crap storms happen
   
3. Throwing your hands up in defeat just means that the battle will come around again.
   
4. Often it really doesn't matter what the point is at the time.
   
5. The lesson needed to be learned will never be known until you look back on it later.
   
6. Some lessons cannot be hurried they need time to marinate and become apart of who we are as people and learn everything the lesson entailed.
   
7. All in good time is an oxymoron. It may take time but it doesn't have to be good.
   
8. Everything happens for a reason, which may be true but refer back to crap storms happen.
   

These are the only words of wisdom I have tonight. I am not feeling very wise lately. More like being in the middle of well…. A crap storm!

____________________

History

If history is any reference than I have a great deal to learn. I have to learn to love deeper, forgive more, not judge people for where they are in the moment, and give more of myself to others that need help. I need to learn to be a better sister (older and younger). I was a horrendous sister all the way around and in many ways still am from what I gather. I am not sure how to do this, but through God and His word I am learning. Emotions run cavernous and burns hot, I love them both I just do not know how to articulate it to them in ways they will be received with the intent they are meant. I tend to be a very gruff and up front people. One gets what they see with me. I also need to learn to discipline that side of me.
I call it fervor. I have a lot of it for all sorts of things. I believe that God comes first in all things, then family, than everything else. Sometimes my vehemence gets the best of me. I am working on that too. I am not ashamed to admit I am a work in progress, than again aren’t we all?
I am very arcane with how I feel. I don’t like to let people know how I feel because I always think that it can then be used against me. So I keep them to myself. Vulnerability is not a major sturdy point for me. Yes, I have been egomaniacal at times; however, I feel that is something that I am overcoming. I like to give rather than receive. I enjoy watching people’s faces when I do so. Even in New Orleans there was nothing in it for me, it was all for them. I may have structured the drives for whatever was needed and synchronized everything, but when I was complimented I would simply say those who donated were the real hero’s I am just the driver. Nothing more nothing less. I just get things from point A to point B. The houses I helped gut or build had no gain in it for me, it was all about the people we were helping. I enjoy it more than words could explain.
So I guess I need to work on conveying my feelings more too. ARGH, that could cause some serious anguish, I like my comfort zones.
So much to work on I guess that just goes to prove I am human being and make human faux pas just like everyone else in the world.
Ah well, those are my thoughts for tonight.