I got to thinking today about community. Many people if you ask them what community means they will say the town they live it. Which it is, in part. My generation thinks in those broad terms. After all we are the gen x'ers. The generation that is said to be the most selfish, closed off, not willing to help anyone and everything is theirs. It is my generation that launched millionaires by age 20 and then lost it all years later in what is now dubbed "The dot.comers". Those massive internet companies that grew from someones basement and one computer to massive corporate companies. Sure they earned a lot of money but many of them were also broke 10 - 15 years later.
I don't think I fit in that group. I really enjoy community service. All my education and jobs all hold that basic principal. I mean think about it taking a woman from a predominantly white small midwestern town, to Southern California to work with boys ages 13 - 19 many of which came out of juvenile or adult correctional facility and placed in a group home until they age out of the system at 18. Yeah, that's a good fit right? Most would say no, but I did it and did so with all my heart, and was successful. I did not see color of skin as an issue, or economic class of neighborhood they came from. I saw them as kids that needed something I was there to give it.
I will also say that the moment I would meet them I would let him know that he and I have no past. Here, right now is a fresh start to the rest of their lives to make it work for them or against them, but as they stood there in that moment everything was wiped clean.
Even after moving back to this small midwestern town after almost 8 year but 2 1/2 months before my dad died and now I care for my mother I still find ways to contribute what I can. I myself blew through my own savings in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I found new and creative ways to raise large amounts of money to not only fund the gas, trailer rental, and other money that was delivered directly to the church we partnered up with in New Orleans proper. I continued to do it against all odds for about 2 years or so after. What a blessing and a lesson all at the same time.
Now if I am going on a relief aid trip whether it be to the western part of my own state WI during the flooding in June that also caused Lake Delton to empty completely out into the river or whatever I go with my motto Please do not call me a hero or even deserving of the thanks the hero's in all of these trips is ALWAYS the people that make it come to fruition. I am just simply the driver. I may coordinate, gather donation, get publicity with trip info a donation spot drop off, and do presentation through films I have put together on the computer or power point with photos, but in the end I really am just the person taking thing from point A to point B. The lime light is for those who gave either time, man power if there were heavy items, and the supplies being collected at the time for that run.
However, I say that to people when I hear comments and they don't believe I really believe that. But I do. I am here on this planet to be of service to others.
Now when I am not up to full par trying to rehab after a rotator cuff surgery on my left shoulder, I looked out of my front windows yesterday morning at the 12 inches of snow that had fallen and tried to figure out how I was going to shovel it when it's too heavy right now and would put me in the position of possible re injuring it again. Oh great I thought to myself. How the heck am I going to do this one. I finally decided I wouldn't do it. My truck has driven through 3 feet of water and barreled through 3 - 3 1/2 feet of snow drifts or piles of slush, snow and ice the plow dumps at the end of our driveway so I figured no worries. I went back downstairs and was watching the morning news reports about the snow when I heard some rumbling on my driveway and footsteps on the front porch. It's too early for mail and too late for the paper, and the doorbell never rang. I go up to find not one but two people with snow blowers clearing the walks and driveway and one more shoveling the front porch, and someone had already cleared it off my truck in the driveway.
Now I will be honest, my first reaction was what the h e double toothpicks are these people doing here they are in the same mess as me except I have a 4 wheel drive Chevy Tahoe and they only have cars. I know this because one of the blowers was our neighbor next to use down the hill the other was from across the street and the shoveler was from our neighbor next to us up the hill. So I laughed and just said to myself God always sends us what we need right when we need it. Last winter if they got to it before I did I would make a huge batch of chili and give those families a nice home cooked hot meal they did not have to do anything for but sit down with the family.
So since I had no current plans to make chili I quickly baked 3 dozen cookies and gave those away.
Now, that is community. People helping others without expectation of compensation. After all Jesus was a carpenter by trade. He went all over and helped anyone who asked for it. He never expected anything monetarily or possessions. All he asked was to love, serve and follow him. And when you do you just may get a pleasant surprise of having your driveway snow blowed.
I guess what I am saying is that it does not take money or things to help others sometimes just giving your time or sharing what ever gift God has given you is all that is required. He will take care of the rest. Yes, it can be that simple if you are willing to step out into the great unknown. Give it a try. You will be amazed at what you really can do. Come on along with me. Life really is the greatest adventure. Come on lets go.......
Oh I don't know if this even makes sense just another tale from the rabbit trail. I am tired and going to go to bed. This is what happens to your brain when your tired.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
To choose or not to choose That is the question!
I think that we are able to choose our emotions to either let them work for us or against us. We choose to live in the light or dark. If you allow anger or the like to govern how we act than does the situation control us? Simply, yes!
Take the example it's 6:00 AM the alarm goes off. You are irritated because you could not fall asleep until 2:30 AM. So you have only really gotten 3 hours of good sleep. If every 3 hours is considered a REM cycle you would have been better to stay up the extra 1/2 hour and gone to sleep at 3 AM. That little extra 1/2 hour actually made you more tired. So you are really tired. You stumble to the kitchen get some coffee. All of a sudden things look just a little better.
You go with your coffee to wake up oh lets say 3 kids. Ages 2, 6, 8. You first go the first room and wake up the 8 year old Tommy. He's cranky because you had to yell at him 4 times to wake him up and get moving. The 6 year old Timmy is next. You go to his room but he is now awake because Tommy's and your yelling woke him up.
So lets catch up. You are angry, your oldest is cranky because you woke him up by yelling and your middle is mad because you and his brother woke him up. Your doing good. You have 3 angry people to contend with.
The 2 year old is up and screaming in her crib because she is hungry. Your spouse hears all of this even though he had to work a 3rd shift and just got home and to sleep. WOW well done. You have succeeded to either anger or frustrate all 5 of you.
However, while you are just thankful everyone that needed to get up did and off to work, school, or day care you go. Your spouse goes back to sleep. You get to work and a few hours later the boss finds out you were 1/2 late and reprimands you. Your desk phone rings. Your oldest and middle sons got into a fight on the play ground at school. They are suspended for 3 days. Phew, you sigh well a least the youngest is OK. Phone rings again it's the day care calling because she is projectile vomiting.You go to your already mad at you boss for being late. You explain the situation and ask if you can leave early to get the kids picked up and go home for the day. He says sure but stop by the personal office on the way out go get your check and don't come back you fired!
WOW, you are fuming now. The entire world is conspiring against you today and everyone around you is in bad moods right? You are just an innocent bystander and victim of everyone else's bad day? WRONG!
You go to pick up the kids get them all loaded up in he back set. All are yelling and fighting, the baby is sick. You are yelling back to them KNOCK IT OFF! You get pulled over for speeding. You get a ticket with a fine and a mandatory court appearance. You get home, kids rush out and by the time you get in with the baby the boys have woke up your spouse again! Now everyone is screaming the police are called by a neighbor for a domestic call. You are arrested and taken to the precinct.
Now, you are standing in a cell but you think, WOW I will get a good nights sleep tonight. No screaming kids, or angry spouse. You settle in for a good nights sleep. However, you can't sleep worrying all night if you will have to serve a year of "good" nights of sleep in the County jail.
You explain all this to the judge the next day. He asks you to think back to what started it. "Well your honor, I was angry at the alarm clock for doing it's job, and go through it all again.
Verdict is read you are released but must attend court appointed anger management classes and submit the completion certificate to the court.
All of this because you chose to allow your anger to control you. Well done.
That my friends is a Tale from the rabbit trail. However, the point is well made. Emotions are just another act of how humans mess up free will. Sometimes it takes a full circle to make the point and a little humor along the way is always a good thing.
So as Bette Midler says in the song Glory of Love:
"This is a song I've been singing for a long time. It's like an old friend. But, you know, I think it, it's only recently that I discovered what it's really about. "You've got to give a little, take a little,and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,until the clouds roll by a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us,we've got the world and all it's charms . And when the world is through with us, we've got each other's arms. You've got to win a little, lose a little,yes, and always have the blues a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. That's the story of, that's the glory of love
Amen and good night! Or morning now I guess. Yes, I could not sleep OK.
Take the example it's 6:00 AM the alarm goes off. You are irritated because you could not fall asleep until 2:30 AM. So you have only really gotten 3 hours of good sleep. If every 3 hours is considered a REM cycle you would have been better to stay up the extra 1/2 hour and gone to sleep at 3 AM. That little extra 1/2 hour actually made you more tired. So you are really tired. You stumble to the kitchen get some coffee. All of a sudden things look just a little better.
You go with your coffee to wake up oh lets say 3 kids. Ages 2, 6, 8. You first go the first room and wake up the 8 year old Tommy. He's cranky because you had to yell at him 4 times to wake him up and get moving. The 6 year old Timmy is next. You go to his room but he is now awake because Tommy's and your yelling woke him up.
So lets catch up. You are angry, your oldest is cranky because you woke him up by yelling and your middle is mad because you and his brother woke him up. Your doing good. You have 3 angry people to contend with.
The 2 year old is up and screaming in her crib because she is hungry. Your spouse hears all of this even though he had to work a 3rd shift and just got home and to sleep. WOW well done. You have succeeded to either anger or frustrate all 5 of you.
However, while you are just thankful everyone that needed to get up did and off to work, school, or day care you go. Your spouse goes back to sleep. You get to work and a few hours later the boss finds out you were 1/2 late and reprimands you. Your desk phone rings. Your oldest and middle sons got into a fight on the play ground at school. They are suspended for 3 days. Phew, you sigh well a least the youngest is OK. Phone rings again it's the day care calling because she is projectile vomiting.You go to your already mad at you boss for being late. You explain the situation and ask if you can leave early to get the kids picked up and go home for the day. He says sure but stop by the personal office on the way out go get your check and don't come back you fired!
WOW, you are fuming now. The entire world is conspiring against you today and everyone around you is in bad moods right? You are just an innocent bystander and victim of everyone else's bad day? WRONG!
You go to pick up the kids get them all loaded up in he back set. All are yelling and fighting, the baby is sick. You are yelling back to them KNOCK IT OFF! You get pulled over for speeding. You get a ticket with a fine and a mandatory court appearance. You get home, kids rush out and by the time you get in with the baby the boys have woke up your spouse again! Now everyone is screaming the police are called by a neighbor for a domestic call. You are arrested and taken to the precinct.
Now, you are standing in a cell but you think, WOW I will get a good nights sleep tonight. No screaming kids, or angry spouse. You settle in for a good nights sleep. However, you can't sleep worrying all night if you will have to serve a year of "good" nights of sleep in the County jail.
You explain all this to the judge the next day. He asks you to think back to what started it. "Well your honor, I was angry at the alarm clock for doing it's job, and go through it all again.
Verdict is read you are released but must attend court appointed anger management classes and submit the completion certificate to the court.
All of this because you chose to allow your anger to control you. Well done.
That my friends is a Tale from the rabbit trail. However, the point is well made. Emotions are just another act of how humans mess up free will. Sometimes it takes a full circle to make the point and a little humor along the way is always a good thing.
So as Bette Midler says in the song Glory of Love:
"This is a song I've been singing for a long time. It's like an old friend. But, you know, I think it, it's only recently that I discovered what it's really about. "You've got to give a little, take a little,and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,until the clouds roll by a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us,we've got the world and all it's charms . And when the world is through with us, we've got each other's arms. You've got to win a little, lose a little,yes, and always have the blues a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. That's the story of, that's the glory of love
Amen and good night! Or morning now I guess. Yes, I could not sleep OK.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Endures all
Love endures all. We understand it from the grammatical aspect and even the presumed definition that it last forever. Well in the simplest form that is true. What we fail to realize is that love endures through rage, anger, disappointment, grief, all the good times and even the most extreme bad times. Think about it. If you are a parent and your child goes astray or off course to the point your heart breaks, or your are so disappointed or angry, while you may not like the behavior or removal from the home to a place were your child can receive help. However, you always love them but not the behavior.
Well, God does that with us. He loves us through good and bad no matter what. If we ask for forgiveness He is willing to accept it. More importantly, He throws it as far from the East and West as possible, and forgets it. He does not hold grudges like we humans do.
So ideally we are called to do the same. But since were not God we don't do the forgiveness thing as easily as He does. Sometimes we hold on to our anger with both fists clenched tight just so we can find the fuel to go on another day. Eventually lightening strikes us (not physically) and on some level we begin to understand the principal of forgiveness. Which in turn leads us down the path of love.
So no matter what we feel about someone or some circumstances while it is going on or all said and done love endures all.
Well, God does that with us. He loves us through good and bad no matter what. If we ask for forgiveness He is willing to accept it. More importantly, He throws it as far from the East and West as possible, and forgets it. He does not hold grudges like we humans do.
So ideally we are called to do the same. But since were not God we don't do the forgiveness thing as easily as He does. Sometimes we hold on to our anger with both fists clenched tight just so we can find the fuel to go on another day. Eventually lightening strikes us (not physically) and on some level we begin to understand the principal of forgiveness. Which in turn leads us down the path of love.
So no matter what we feel about someone or some circumstances while it is going on or all said and done love endures all.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Love Concurs All
OK folk, this is a revelation I had today. It is a basic principal that we a humans tend to forget.
Some of you know I have been having issues with my older sister. I was thinking about that today when I was in the truck. I finally got it.
The Scripture "Love concurs all" does not mean that circumstances will change, or people will change. What it means is love concurs everything. Our anger, our frustration or grief. What it means is if we choose to love even in difficult circumstance we are doing what the Lord wants us to do. If we choose to love then we are resting in God's arms.
I know for me, my personality is to jump to anger, frustration or hurt. I spend so much energy in those places and any time I get to that sweep spot of Gods love I freak and go the opposite direction. It's out of my comfort zone. But today it was like an overwhelming sence of peace that waved over me. If love is the greatest gift than I believe that during this brief period that we are on this earth is to learn this basic concept. We enter into the world in pure love and I believe we leave it in the same fashion. Which at that point we spend eternity in ultimate love.
We make this precept so diffuicult to learn, and try to find deeper meaning behind it that we miss the actual meaning.
Love concurs all mean that it concurs all those "bad" feelings we hold ourself. Once we embrace the meaning it changes us. Not anyone around us or circumtance. It just changes the way we see things.
This is a longer thoughts process that I encapulated.
God love us. All of us. As we get older we forget that God shows us in small ways everyday He loves us. Simple things. A snowflake landing on your tongue, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, hearing children laugh, or laughing and goofing around with friends to the point that you get a headache. I honestly believe that that we try to find deeper meaning in things in Scripture when in actuality it is simple.
He loves us and shows us this everyday.
I may expand this at a later date but right now this is all I can do.
Some of you know I have been having issues with my older sister. I was thinking about that today when I was in the truck. I finally got it.
The Scripture "Love concurs all" does not mean that circumstances will change, or people will change. What it means is love concurs everything. Our anger, our frustration or grief. What it means is if we choose to love even in difficult circumstance we are doing what the Lord wants us to do. If we choose to love then we are resting in God's arms.
I know for me, my personality is to jump to anger, frustration or hurt. I spend so much energy in those places and any time I get to that sweep spot of Gods love I freak and go the opposite direction. It's out of my comfort zone. But today it was like an overwhelming sence of peace that waved over me. If love is the greatest gift than I believe that during this brief period that we are on this earth is to learn this basic concept. We enter into the world in pure love and I believe we leave it in the same fashion. Which at that point we spend eternity in ultimate love.
We make this precept so diffuicult to learn, and try to find deeper meaning behind it that we miss the actual meaning.
Love concurs all mean that it concurs all those "bad" feelings we hold ourself. Once we embrace the meaning it changes us. Not anyone around us or circumtance. It just changes the way we see things.
This is a longer thoughts process that I encapulated.
God love us. All of us. As we get older we forget that God shows us in small ways everyday He loves us. Simple things. A snowflake landing on your tongue, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, hearing children laugh, or laughing and goofing around with friends to the point that you get a headache. I honestly believe that that we try to find deeper meaning in things in Scripture when in actuality it is simple.
He loves us and shows us this everyday.
I may expand this at a later date but right now this is all I can do.
Monday, November 3, 2008
And there it was!
I was watching a special on PBS tonight when I could not sleep. It was called America at the Crossroads. This episode was according to the description "Dissonance and Harmony" Arabic Music Goes West" A documentation of the challenges presented in life after 9/11. This group of people from America, one that grew up in Cairo Egypt because his father worked for the American embassy, they went to different countries in the middle east, Egypt, Baghdad, Lebanon, Jordan etc. to find musicians that were willing to come to America and collaborate with American musicians and develop a song about what life is like in their country. Then it was said! "In the middle east you cannot dream about the future because no one knows what it will be." That saddened me. These people have not killed anyone nor have they done any harm to the Americans or coalition forces. These musicians want to make a change in the world and the perspective that Americans have of that part of the world. They are rebels. We in this country think that all middle easterners are out to get us and we must kill them or be killed by them. When that is so far from the truth. Sure there are extremists in every country. Look in the mirror! We had Timothy Mcvay who blow up the Federal building in OK City, or the kids at Columbine high school that killed all those innocent kids and adult! They were home grown terrorist! After watching this documentary I realized what I always believed to be true. These musicians that came here from the middle east are mostly young adults. They want to change the world and let Americans know that not everyone there are bad. They are the ones that are going to change the climate of the world. Help us understand that they are not all bad, and let us know that there are people there that want to change our perspective of that part of the world.
One man said that during Saddam's reign he was banned from television and threatened with death. After Saddam he was then able to share his music again. It's beautiful. All of the artists music conveyed a message to the American people that they too are human and want peace and harmony too.
Our country has a trend of automatically judging people from the middle east as evil and out to get us, but these young people are not. We need not to be so quick to formulate judgments against them, and be willing to be open to new thoughts about them. They want to live a life of peace, harmony, and freedom just like us but in their own country.
When I hear them speak of not being able to dream about the future it touches my heart. Do they not deserve the chance to have a future? To dream? To be free? To love God the way we do? Yes! they absolutely do!!
I am sure I will get back lash from this but it is US that have no right to storm into their country and tell then how to run their government. To occupy their land.
Let me be clear I do think we have justification to be in Afghanistan but NOT Iraq. ( ducking all the things being thrown at me for that statement.) That is MY opinion and I live in a country that allows that and will not torture or kill me for speaking it. I love my country and am grateful to live here it is just the fist we hail at others for not doing it OUR way is wrong.
EVERYONE deserves the chance to dream of their future and the possibilities it holds for them. Tolerance is what we need to teach our children. Not to tolerate hate but to tolerate differences in other humans. The young adults in the middle east will be the ones to bring about the change that is needed there. Just like the young adults here in our own country will be the power house of change we need. I am not talking about just the elections I am talking about the years to come as they come into their own. Not all middle Eastern people are bad. Actually many are great people that want a different life. However, the news only reports on the "bad guys". What about the good things there?
I commend these musicians for going against the grain in their countries to help promote change. The rebellion it takes to do it even if their own live is in danger because of it. They believe it can happen.
DO YOU! I for one do!
One man said that during Saddam's reign he was banned from television and threatened with death. After Saddam he was then able to share his music again. It's beautiful. All of the artists music conveyed a message to the American people that they too are human and want peace and harmony too.
Our country has a trend of automatically judging people from the middle east as evil and out to get us, but these young people are not. We need not to be so quick to formulate judgments against them, and be willing to be open to new thoughts about them. They want to live a life of peace, harmony, and freedom just like us but in their own country.
When I hear them speak of not being able to dream about the future it touches my heart. Do they not deserve the chance to have a future? To dream? To be free? To love God the way we do? Yes! they absolutely do!!
I am sure I will get back lash from this but it is US that have no right to storm into their country and tell then how to run their government. To occupy their land.
Let me be clear I do think we have justification to be in Afghanistan but NOT Iraq. ( ducking all the things being thrown at me for that statement.) That is MY opinion and I live in a country that allows that and will not torture or kill me for speaking it. I love my country and am grateful to live here it is just the fist we hail at others for not doing it OUR way is wrong.
EVERYONE deserves the chance to dream of their future and the possibilities it holds for them. Tolerance is what we need to teach our children. Not to tolerate hate but to tolerate differences in other humans. The young adults in the middle east will be the ones to bring about the change that is needed there. Just like the young adults here in our own country will be the power house of change we need. I am not talking about just the elections I am talking about the years to come as they come into their own. Not all middle Eastern people are bad. Actually many are great people that want a different life. However, the news only reports on the "bad guys". What about the good things there?
I commend these musicians for going against the grain in their countries to help promote change. The rebellion it takes to do it even if their own live is in danger because of it. They believe it can happen.
DO YOU! I for one do!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
What is family?
That is the question right? Is it blood or social bond? Is it people you live with as roommates are friends family..
I think it is all of the above. I have 2 sisters. One older adopted like me, 1 younger half sister. My younger sister and I have reconnected after many year of separation. I take responsibility for part of that. I could have picked up the phone and called her. I just didn't feel I had solid ground to do so. We were young when we first met and at the time 2 very different people. Now through time and God he is restoring that relationship. I don't love her any less because we only share half blood, she's my sister and I love her.
My relationship with my older sister that I grew up with is stagnant. I have not talked to her in months. Even those conversations were strained. It is difficult to to talk to her. I sent her a letter and told her how I was feeling. I have heard nothing back. She did not even call after my surgery to see how I was. We basically just shared a last name and lived in the same space while we were growing up. We 2 are very different people. However, with her I don't know if it will ever be restored. I do love her but I really don't like her right now and there are no signs of this changing.
Now, my mom is angry and wanting to write her her own letter. I asked her is she was ready for the repercussions. It may help bridge the gap, or it could settle the dust and cause her to back out of any relations. There are her 4 children in the mix. I told my mom the consequences could be drastic, and it could hurt her more than I am. She is mom's daughter but we were never sisters in the traditional sense. We rarely fought or argued, we did not have sibling rivalry. There was not much to loose. My mom raised her and cared for her. I mean this is a big step that could go either way.
I think my older sis has issues with me from growing up. I was not the greatest sister. I did things that hurt her. I also have apologized for them and grown past then. I mean after all we are adults now, and I can't change the past. It's not like I was not hurt by her too but I am not keeping a tally.
Maybe she can't stand to watch my moms health go slowly down.
I don't know what the deal is all I know is that when we did talk I felt like I was talked down to and belittled. She does the same with mom. I try to live my life with no regrets. There is only I can not change. I did not get to know my dad as a man and not just my father. I don't want to make that same mistake with mom. So I live by the US marine slogan Semper Fi, seize the day
Unfortunately she is missing a golden opportunity to get to mom. Her choice no one elses.
So yes, I think family includes every one we care about and would do almost anything for. I just wish I had my older sister to share this with.
Ah well, I can't change people just how I react to them. Only God knows what the future holds for us I have left it up to Him. It's too much for me to carry.
Also an update I start my physical therapy on my shoulder Thursday. The pain on any given day is excruciating I try not to take my pain meds which may be part of the problem. I am not staying ahead of the pain but letting it get ahead of my thus making it more difficult to deal with. However, I know it is a long recovery process but I am determined to come out the other end victorious.
That's all for tonight.
I think it is all of the above. I have 2 sisters. One older adopted like me, 1 younger half sister. My younger sister and I have reconnected after many year of separation. I take responsibility for part of that. I could have picked up the phone and called her. I just didn't feel I had solid ground to do so. We were young when we first met and at the time 2 very different people. Now through time and God he is restoring that relationship. I don't love her any less because we only share half blood, she's my sister and I love her.
My relationship with my older sister that I grew up with is stagnant. I have not talked to her in months. Even those conversations were strained. It is difficult to to talk to her. I sent her a letter and told her how I was feeling. I have heard nothing back. She did not even call after my surgery to see how I was. We basically just shared a last name and lived in the same space while we were growing up. We 2 are very different people. However, with her I don't know if it will ever be restored. I do love her but I really don't like her right now and there are no signs of this changing.
Now, my mom is angry and wanting to write her her own letter. I asked her is she was ready for the repercussions. It may help bridge the gap, or it could settle the dust and cause her to back out of any relations. There are her 4 children in the mix. I told my mom the consequences could be drastic, and it could hurt her more than I am. She is mom's daughter but we were never sisters in the traditional sense. We rarely fought or argued, we did not have sibling rivalry. There was not much to loose. My mom raised her and cared for her. I mean this is a big step that could go either way.
I think my older sis has issues with me from growing up. I was not the greatest sister. I did things that hurt her. I also have apologized for them and grown past then. I mean after all we are adults now, and I can't change the past. It's not like I was not hurt by her too but I am not keeping a tally.
Maybe she can't stand to watch my moms health go slowly down.
I don't know what the deal is all I know is that when we did talk I felt like I was talked down to and belittled. She does the same with mom. I try to live my life with no regrets. There is only I can not change. I did not get to know my dad as a man and not just my father. I don't want to make that same mistake with mom. So I live by the US marine slogan Semper Fi, seize the day
Unfortunately she is missing a golden opportunity to get to mom. Her choice no one elses.
So yes, I think family includes every one we care about and would do almost anything for. I just wish I had my older sister to share this with.
Ah well, I can't change people just how I react to them. Only God knows what the future holds for us I have left it up to Him. It's too much for me to carry.
Also an update I start my physical therapy on my shoulder Thursday. The pain on any given day is excruciating I try not to take my pain meds which may be part of the problem. I am not staying ahead of the pain but letting it get ahead of my thus making it more difficult to deal with. However, I know it is a long recovery process but I am determined to come out the other end victorious.
That's all for tonight.
Monday, October 13, 2008
WOW
OK I am a great deal of pain from my shoulder surgery last Thursday. I am on my moms desktop since I can't lift my laptop up. However, with pain comes those lessons no one likes to learn. Humility, grace, and walking the higher road. Not too fond of those lessons. I take to them like I do those on patience. Lets just for lack of a better word they suck!
Surgery did go well no it is all rehab, oh joy.....
short sweet and to the point. That is why this is so short. Just thought I would update.
Surgery did go well no it is all rehab, oh joy.....
short sweet and to the point. That is why this is so short. Just thought I would update.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
In ones life....
In ones life a little rain must fall. It is physically raining here today as it has been for 2 days now. It's strangely comforting. For a very brief moment it was as if God himself was weeping for the loss the world had. I know, my dad was a small cog in a vast machine, and that everything in the world didn't know him. For some reason the rain makes me feel not so alone.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
And Still......
Ah man, I don't think I can take anymore of this, and why when I am only asleep, why not remember these things or see these things while I am awake?
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
For my dad
I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.
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