Tuesday, October 25, 2011

No thinking Just typing ---

They say the best time to write is upon first waking up. Well, I fell asleep earlier woke up and started to go back to sleep and now I have thoughts in my head. Since I don’t have a notebook by my bed but do have my laptop near it is going on my blog so as not to lose my thoughts.

Had it been this time last year I would have lite a cigarette and been writing while it just burned in the ashtray. However, the fire took care of my smoking even though that is not what started it. Hard to smoke when you are sound asleep.

Anyway, as I was lying in bed falling back to sleep a familiar feeling shrouded me. Like an old haunt whispering that it is still there even if I you have become better at ignoring it. It’s that loneliness that hits ya. So I was laying there pondering that and that and speculated if that was ‘born’ into me. I was born into the world alone; left to find my own way at least until I had permanent parents. Through the years that imprint never left. It seems to always loiter there just outside of reach.

It’s not like I don’t have friends I do and good ones. I have family, some I can say anything to and not get castigated or be treated less than or that there is something wrong with my perception or whatever. I have my faith. That should be enough. Yet, it’s not. There is something not there. Is it something not done? What is the objective of all this, not to mention this random stream of consciousness coming out through my fingers right now.

For me so many of these questions never seem far away and more and more are constantly added. Maybe lonely is not the right word. I can’t really explain it. Some would say it’s a deepness that lives in me that has been screaming to exit my body in one form or the other. Sometimes I feel like I have lived many previous lives. I sometimes feel things I should not know how to feel or understand. Love of history and my wish to save the world all culminate into this mess in my head that struggles to be free but the words just don’t flow easy. I remember just about everything. Many have a hard time imagining I can remember in detail almost everything. At least the most momentous ones to my mind.

In my mind I always think to myself if they only knew maybe they would understand more. I love working with the teens that yell and scream at you that I “don’t understand what they feel” that is until I would sit them done in the office and very bluntly tell them just how much I did. I knew what it was like to have parents ill equipped to handle me and be sent somewhere else with staff even more ill equipped. I knew what it was like to do only what you had to do, nothing more nothing less. Play stupid to lessen the expectations. At least for them they then knew at least one adult on this planet understood them.

I don’t know where any of these convoluted thoughts are going tonight. It just seems my thoughts as of late have been not only been somewhat reflective but philosophical as well. Maybe these types of things are the fillers in all those books on all those shelves in stores and libraries are made of, the segways to the next part of the story. Which leads me to the thought how do you write honestly about things when others will refute, deny, scold, have a different perspective or just out right say it’s shit because they internalizes it in a different way. It’s a push and pull relationship. I want to but I’m afraid. I want to but I don’t know how and am not good at asking for help. It’s my stubborn independence. I don’t hold on to the past with both hands frightened to let it go, but there are times I feel like I am trying to hang on to myself with both hands; one over my mouth and the other binding my hands. Lord knows everyone that knows me knows that they pretty much know where they stand with me and where I stand on issues in this world. I have always been like that.

Maybe this is the second part of why my grandma always called me her passionate one. She saw an angry lonesome, scared little girl but told me it was passion and if turned in the right way it could change the world. That hardly seems possible anymore especially when I have not only seen but experienced my own mortality first hand and the only one to ever change the world was Jesus and I am far from Him.

Maybe what my grandma was telling me was to just do it regardless of anyone else. They will spit you out and trudge you down but if it is your fervor let it out. People in the church tend to use the human body as an analogy for the church family. Some are the hands, eyes, feet etc… I have always been told I am a mouth. Well duh? Really; quick call the National news stations and bust in with breaking news NOW! Kristina is a mouth!! I know return you to your regular programming…..

All I do know is the more I search for my purpose the farther away it seems. The deeper the echo chamber sounds. The higher the drop and the lower the fog settles. I’m not anything special. I wonder if I have made a difference in anyone’s life or the world thus far, anything that will last when I am gone.

Wonder what this will read and sound like in the morning. I venture nothing but a discombobulated jumble of arbitrary things that have no connective tissue what so ever. I guess that will be up to the reader.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

BTW M & D the new background is just for you. I hope you understand the subtlety?

So it's been awhile

OK so it has been a spell. OK OK over a year. In my defense I have had more than a little on my plate. Putting pen to parchment has not been on the forefront of the to do list. However, thru some gentle prodding from 2 very determined people here I am.


To give a general update: November 26th, 2010 at 2:20 AM my house had a major fire. It stole a lot of things but most importantly it stole my Sasha, my mini schnauzer- 5 yrs, Kiki, a Maltese- 4 yrs, we fostered in the winter, Ashley, cinnamon tabby cat - 15 yrs, Coco, Siamese cat - 5 yrs, and Missy, blue calico - 4 yrs old. Sasha was my dog. I got her as a puppy and proved everyone wrong who said mine and      the dogs personalities would clash and I would have an awful behaving dog. Give me a challenge and I may just rise to the occasion.


Almost a year after having her life stolen from me I am not sure I have yet to come out of the darkness. The tears are always on the edge of falling hot down my cheeks. My heart has yet to rebound. The animals died alone. Granted they were in the house together but only the 2 dogs were found together, but I was not there. Well I was but I wasn't. I went back in to get them all and passed out from the smoke. (I was told this when I spoke to police officers to thank them I was found 2 feet from the dogs in the kitchen) I was prepared to go with them and see my dad again. I would be lying if I said I have not wished I had on several occasions since. Only due to the sheer grief of not having the lives lost here not having a death wish myself. Been there, done that, years and years ago.


( Let me jump ahead a moment and say we have since gotten another dog - Tally, a male Teddy Bear - it's a hybrid / designer breed a mix between a Bichon and a shih tzu. Yes, he is adorable and I love him. I got him from the humane society, he's 5. We also have gotten a new cat - a siamese mix 4 yrs) pictured below.

I ask myself almost daily "where does that part of my heart go now?" Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine and confessed that I don't love Tally the same as Sasha. However, it's not that same love I had / have for Sasha. I can't explain it, but it left a hole in my heart. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-write the message to myself since the fire "...Sasha saved my life and I didn't save hers..." Yes, I tried the police reports confirm it, but the fact remains I DIDN'T. She died without me to comfort her, albeit I was prepared to go with her and the other pets, it's not the same. People try to comfort me by telling me to remember the peace I felt last and know that is what they felt. I want to shout YES, AND I REMEMBER THE PAIN IN MY THROAT, LUNGS, FEAR, TERROR I FELT BEFORE I FELT THAT PEACE!!!"

My friend told me everyone has that one "heart dog" and no other will ever fill that. Well, Sasha is my heart dog!

We are back in the house now. Granted it had to be gutted to the studs and even some of them had to be replaced. It took 7 months to do so and it does not look exactly the same as there have been some big and small changes done but I still see the ghosts of the lives lost in the fire in places they spent much time or had funny memories attached to them; even if the area does look different now.

Will that part of my heart ever come out of the dark? Did the fire write the epilogue to this book of mine that has been churning around in my head for years upon years? Or is this the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to the one not yet finished.

I don't know if this is really finishing the thoughts I indented to convey but I am hitting post.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

5 years

Ok so today is the 5 year mark of my dad's death. Sometimes it doesn't seem that long ago while other times it seems like it has been forever and a day ago. I miss him but I also know that he is in a better place and has no more pain. for that i am grateful! It has been a journey has been up and down. When he passed I couldn't have imagined what it would be like without him. There are times it feels like he is still here and other times I can feel the void of his absence.

He had his flaws. He was not perfect but regardless of everything he was still my dad! I think of him often and ironically there are times I hear his phrases come out of my mouth. I miss his laugh and when I would come home from where I was living in California we had a standing appointment every evening to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire back when it was an hour long and Regis hosted it. He would get flustered when I would answer the questions before the 4 multiple choice answers would come up on the TV. He would say "would you wait and give me a chance to see the options." I just told him you either know it or not. As the contestants got to the higher monetary amounts usually if the got to the 250 thousand mark we would make wagers on what the right answer was. The one I remember the most was from a celebrity episode and Rosie O'donnell was going for the million. I'll never forget the question. The russian writer Anton Checov (sp) was best known for writing about A: childrens lit B: law C: world history or D: medicine. Before the choices came up I said medicine. My dad said no way. So when the choices came up and medicine was one of them he still doubted I knew it and thought it was a wild guess. So he raised the bet to 20 bucks. His answer was c world history or law but could choose between the 2. Needless to say Rosie walk away with 500 thousand for her charity because she has no idea. Well all I will say I got my 20 bucks with the question of how I knew that. I don't know I must have heard it at some point in my life. I just knew it.

He always told me and others that I was sponge. I soak up everything and retain it. I rarely forget things. Not to say I never do but not all that often.

So for my dad the answer is still D: medicine I sure do miss those moments with him. Carpe diem (sp) dad I know I am trying to do so.

Please forgive the spelling and gramatical errors I am writing the via my cell phone while I'm at a doc appointment.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Revision of letter

My original letter was too long. So I edited it and resubmitted it. Below is the revised letter to the editor.

I would like to enlighten the public regarding a candidate running for school board, Dave Weigand. I find it interesting that Ginny Maziarka has not spoken much about him or come out and publically
endorse him. Is it an attempt to keep her name separate from his so he has a chance at winning? Let me point out Maziarka and Weigand were in TOTAL agreement with the attack on the public library. They
stood together along with Dave’s wife Mary to stop the voluntary day of silence at the schools, and then the districts harassment policy. It is clear that a vote for Dave Weigand is a vote for Ginny Maziarka and the ousting of any kind of teaching student’s tolerance of anyone that may not share their ideals, anything regarding protecting ALL students regardless of religious or sexuality views. The schools aren't the place to debate religion or find ways to incorporate it into the social and education minds of students. Schools are not a subsidiary of Focus On The Family. It is a place where ALL kids deserve to feel safe and protected and be whoever they are.

Maziarka and Weigand share the same ideology as been shown by issues they jointly support. Those who go to the polls to cast their votes for school board must know these things. It would be a slippery slope to vote for Weigand. Our district need people who want to help improve our schools not undermine and restructure it to fit the Christian churches values. One can be held accountable by those they choose to surround themselves with and the causes they support. Vote no on Dave Weigand for school board.

Monday, February 8, 2010

No Weigand for school board

This letter has been submitted to the West Bend Daily News Letter to the Editor...

I would like to enlighten the public regarding a candidate running for school board. I am speaking of Dave Weigand. I find it interesting that Mrs. Ginny Maziarka has not spoken much about him. Or come out and publically endorse him. Is it an attempt to keep her name separate from his so he has a chance at winning? Let me point out Maziarka and Weigand were in TOTAL agreement with first removing books and the attack on the public library. They stood together along with Dave’s wife Mary to stop the voluntary day of silence at the high school, and then the harassment policy put together by Kathy Zarling at the district. Not to mention the more than numerous filings for open records of library staff, school board members and so on. It is clear to me that a vote for Dave Weigand is a vote for Ginny Maziarka and the cause to oust any kind of teaching student’s tolerance of anyone that may not be heterosexual. Anything that has to do with protecting ALL students regardless of religious views. The public schools are not the place to debate religion or find ways to incorporate it into the social and education minds of the students. Family and religious values are to be taught at home. The public schools are not a subsidiary of Focus On The Family. It is a place where ALL kids deserve to feel safe and protected and be whoever they are.

Whatever the reasoning for either Dave or Ginny not being vocal about their connection but there is one and they share the same ideology as has been shown by issues as the library, homophobia, harassment policy disapproval and the list goes on. Those who go to the polls to cast their votes for school board must know these things. It would be a slippery slope and down turn to vote for Mr. Weigand. Our district need people who want to help improve our schools not undermine and restructure it to fit the Christian churches values. One can be held accountable by those they choose to surround themselves with and the causes they support. Vote no on Dave Weigand for school board.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Just so none of you people out there get confused, I am officially in denial. I refuse to acknowledge that we are having a blizzard as defined by the Nation Weather Service. When I look outside I see a beautiful clear starry night. The temp is on the 70's and they say is to be even warmer and a great day to go surfing at the beach I am currently sitting on.

I just wanted everyone to know how deep my denial goes when it comes to winter. I believe that sn*w is the new 4 letter cuss word.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Crap Shoot

It has been one of those days, week actually. It never ceases to amaze me how some think that I can’t see through their crap. How they can start a conversation with you and then say but before I go, on how are you? I am aware that they really want to talk about themselves. Their ongoing problems, ones they can change but don’t because of fear, pride or whatever. When is enough enough?

When do you hit the brakes and just yell stop. I have had it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy to take on this issue again. Especially one that can be change by a shift in attitude. My reserve tank is empty. I am doing by best to keep my own head above water right now. What I don’t need is another leech grabbing hold of me trying to suck more life out of me. Are you kidding me? Get off and give me room to breathe already.

How long do we stand by people when they do nothing to help themselves? How long do we allow people to keep pushing our heads under the water as we bob up and down trying to catch our breath before we get pushed under again? Eventually something has to give. Either they will kill us or we will kick them off and go ahead without them. Let them drown on their own. Do you let them or do you still reach out a helping hand? Or do you just save yourself?

Ah well, I’m sure I am just lamenting because I am having a crap shoot of a day. At some point, it has to get better right?

Whatever, I am going to bed.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Now is the time

It is in times like this where we find out who are real friends are.During the times we have nothing tangible to give to others just our heart and our friendship. When we are along and bored and people know how to reach you and the avenues of communucation now a days are wide open and yet the phone stays silent, and the E box just collects junk.

It becomes apparent during these times that if you are the only one making an effort to stay in touch with people maybe those people do not deserve to be called friends. I am expempting those certain individuals who told me ahead of time what their plans were. Too many others just are too caught up in their own stuff and frankly selfish when it comes to who they call friends.

This who thing just exas erbates things. I din't get a formal invite to my best friends little girls 5 b-day party because she was not sure if I would be feeling up to it. I just told her ya won't know until you try. She eventually invite me when asking about some pictures I needed to get to them. I don't have the plauge, I have breast cancer. Which is being treated accordingly. I cannot give it to anyone and I don't need to be avoided just in case. I am still me. Goofy, funny. opinionated, sarcastic, over thinking individualI have always been. I just think others are afraid when they hear someone has the big C and they don't know what to say. I say talk to me like you always have. If I am not feeling well enough to attend the party I will let ya know. Just don't treat me different. Many people I have called friends have fallen to the wayside since I told them.

During times like I a have where at times I can get depressed becaue I am so tired much of the time, and I am bored just laying around here. I would hope htat my friends would remember that when they ned someone to be a friend or be with them I am always the first person they call and I will do whatI can to get there no matter the distance.

Maybe I need to create a new gauge for friendship. I don't want to be a friend of conveinence or only if they need something. I want o have my phone ring from time to time and just hear a friendly voice on the other end say I just called to say hi what's up with you lately? I don't want to be the constant instigator of those calls and Emails.

This experience the last few days have beenenlightening to say the least. If you want brutal honestly right now I am crying (which I never do) but I am because I finally see the big picture of who my friends are and are not. It saddens me. I'm lonely and people seems so afraid to be around me like they can catch it. I don't understand it but it is what it is.

I do understand people have bus y lives with work, school, family etc. But it does not take but a few minutes to punch an Email out,or place a phone call. I don't know maybe it's my frame of mind and being bummed out tonight but it just seems like it would be easier to go back to what I know for sure years ago. IF I am going to survive and thrive thatI need to pull everything I need frommyself and never reply on anyone one else ever. Friends are good but acquaintances are sometimes better. With friendships there becomes a certain trust and healthy dependence on. The best analogy I can think of right now as I amfalling asleep typing is imagine a 2 lane raod but 1 lane stops 1/4 of the way. Now I am in the lane that goes all the way to the end and sopme of my so called friends are at that end coming towards me, but the road ends before we even get to the half way point. And they can't figure out anyother was to reach at least that half way mark. If it were me i would get out and walk it, or go off road to ge there. I am a very loyal friend and will do whatI have to to get to my friends if they need something. Just as my friend in So Cali. she neded me and in less then 12 hours of hanging up the phone with her I was on a plane and not only that had landed in San Diego , rented a car and was at her hours. This was 12 hours after she said she needed me and I knew she was in bad shape. I am not asking for anythign drastic like that but I have had 1 phone call and that was tonight and one text. It's lonely, but it is a good thing I am used to feeling that way at many different tmes in my life. It is a familiar feeling to me. I can cope with it. I guess I just thought that I was finally past that and hadsome great friends. Guess that whole thought needs to be reexamined. Maybe I just need to pull back from everyone. It would save me the tears that are falling now, and sorrow in my heart.

Oh well that is life, or at least mine. I don't have he same energy to be the one to always make the contact first. So my guess is even more will fall to the weigh side. I don't ant them too but thatis up to them. whatever, I am fine. Always have been always will be!

Please forgive any spelling errors I am more than half a sleep writing this. Don't feel like running a spell check.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Crazy Dreams

OK it is 3 AM and once again, I am waking from yet another strange dream. I have to tell ya I have had a lot of them lately. I don't know if it is the medication. I think it may be part of it but as far back as I can remember I had very strange active dreams and nightmares, and when I was young night terrors. So anomalous dreams are not out of the ordinary.

Now let me regress.. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that every time I would wake up and go back to sleep it would pick back up where it left off. That one involved some people I had recent contact and some I have and never would even know. I was leaving a building at a university with a friend of mine that was with a professor and me. Along with us, other students were in the class were leaving the building at the same time. Upon walking out of the building there was a group of what looked like terrorists opening fire on everyone. Let me clarify this was only a dream and did not happen in real life. Therefore, in the dream some of the students were able to runaway. The rest of us were told to sit on the ground and not move. So the 3 of us that walked out of the building together began trying to negotiate with these people because by this point, the police had arrived and those holding us hostage had demands they wanted met. So we were trying to keep talking to them and going through all the motions of our combined training in working with difficult people or situations. I than woke up.

When I fell back to sleep it continued where it left off. Except this time enters the white dog Kiki that I fostered last winter and have again this winter. With her owners, she is a little escape artist and gets out frequently. With me, she can't get out because I have a fence in my back yard. However, in my dream she was running around and barking and chortling which sounds like singing or talking kind of. Anyway, no one was shot and after I woke up for the last time I thought wow OK that was weird. I will say I think I do understand the meaning a correlation of it. Recently I had done a presentation for a class with a friend at a university and was talking about my life and different things that had occurred during my life. My dream was representative of my fears of the repercussions of sharing such personal information with strangers.

So tonight, I wake up after another crazy dream. In this one, I was floating above myself not flying just floating, and I was not dead. It was as if I was just kind of checking things out. I remember I was feeling lonely and was trying to see what everyone else was doing that was so important. Everyone I saw was busy with all of their responsibilities, work, family, children, and all their other responsibilities. So wrapped up in their own lives that they could not see beyond what was right in front of them. Alternatively, they were afraid of all the unknowns so they stay inside the safety of their own bubble. I understand that there are certain aspects of my life in which I do the same. I know the demands society places on people. However, while I was floating around I saw so much more. The selfishness of people, and the humility of others. The self-lessness of some and those that thought they were owed everything from others. I remember in my dream asking myself why I feel so much compassion for everyone and seem to be looked over by many others. I felt like I did not matter to anyone and was there taking up precious air that could be used for more worthy endeavors. It was a very lonely feeling, isolated. Like I was the only one that was keeping in contact with my friends by making the first move by calling or E'ing Very few of my friends initiate it with me first. That sometimes makes me wonder if they are really my friend, especially if it a one sided give and take that was all giving from me. Not all are life that but a majority of the times it is. I hate the loneliness and boredom.

Then as the dream progressed, I was hovering over myself and started seeing myself at all different ages. At those ages, I seeing all the other strange dreams I would have at those ages. Some were reoccurring like my Charlie friend that I would in my dream of course find in a closet in the basement and as soon as I walked in the closet mutated into a huge jungle rain forest. There we would play and climb on trees and play with all the other animal friends in the jungle. You see Charlie was a monkey. Yes, I said monkey. I had that dream a lot as a kid. In addition, tonight I saw it again in my dream but it was like a dream in a dream. I know this sounds crazy but it was what I was dreaming.

Then once again, there were terrorists firing at me and only me this time. There were others that I knew that were watching this and laughing at me as I was trying to dodge the bullets. I knew they were real bullets and they were laughing. Some of them my friends. Than just as I saw one coming that I could not get away from I woke up with a start.

In trying to figure out what this one meant I think part of it was because every now and then I think of people I call friends and the call me friend but it seems like the only times I hear from them they need something from me or whatever. I sometimes question if they are friends if I am the only one instigating and keep the friendship going by being the ones that calls or Emails.

I also think that part of it is I trying to recapture the good things from when I was a kid, and my Charlie dream is a sweet comforting memory. Maybe that part was telling me that I need comfort right now. Friends that are supportive of some serious health things going on with me and feel like it is just me against the world and this health issue. That I have to do it alone as I have with every other thing in my life. I need that support and sometimes just an escape from it for a little bit of time. To just have fun with someone where the health issues are not the entire conversation point. Just fun, to laugh with others, talk with others or whatever.

I will be really honest and expose my emotions here and I am not real good or comfortable with doing it but I am feeling it right now. There are times since I have been going through this I just get so discouraged and wish I could talk to someone who would encourage me. Friends… We all need them. I start balling because sometimes that is all I can do. On the other hand I feel like I am imposing on my friends and don't want to burden them with my feelings. My friends know me as an upbeat happy person who is willing to go to any lengths to help my friends. Sometimes I just get discouraged when I am in a place where I feel like I need a friend to do for me what I do for them.

As far as the part where I was being shot at, at one point I could tell that one of the shooters was me. Now here again let me just clarify I am not feeling like I want to harm myself in any way. Nothing even close to that. Maybe I was trying to be shot so I could feel alive or maybe it was my trying to kill those horrible parts of my childhood. Alternatively, maybe it was even me punishing myself for opening myself up to strangers so completely, and was feeling vulnerable about it. I don't know but that lonely feeling never left during the entire dream. Another possibility is I was trying to kill this issue with my health in me.

I don't know any ideas. I am open to them.

I did write this at 3 AM but fell asleep before I got it posted so the tme stamp is 7 something AM.