Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I just wanted everyone to know how deep my denial goes when it comes to winter. I believe that sn*w is the new 4 letter cuss word.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
When do you hit the brakes and just yell stop. I have had it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy to take on this issue again. Especially one that can be change by a shift in attitude. My reserve tank is empty. I am doing by best to keep my own head above water right now. What I don’t need is another leech grabbing hold of me trying to suck more life out of me. Are you kidding me? Get off and give me room to breathe already.
How long do we stand by people when they do nothing to help themselves? How long do we allow people to keep pushing our heads under the water as we bob up and down trying to catch our breath before we get pushed under again? Eventually something has to give. Either they will kill us or we will kick them off and go ahead without them. Let them drown on their own. Do you let them or do you still reach out a helping hand? Or do you just save yourself?
Ah well, I’m sure I am just lamenting because I am having a crap shoot of a day. At some point, it has to get better right?
Whatever, I am going to bed.
Monday, November 16, 2009
It becomes apparent during these times that if you are the only one making an effort to stay in touch with people maybe those people do not deserve to be called friends. I am expempting those certain individuals who told me ahead of time what their plans were. Too many others just are too caught up in their own stuff and frankly selfish when it comes to who they call friends.
This who thing just exas erbates things. I din't get a formal invite to my best friends little girls 5 b-day party because she was not sure if I would be feeling up to it. I just told her ya won't know until you try. She eventually invite me when asking about some pictures I needed to get to them. I don't have the plauge, I have breast cancer. Which is being treated accordingly. I cannot give it to anyone and I don't need to be avoided just in case. I am still me. Goofy, funny. opinionated, sarcastic, over thinking individualI have always been. I just think others are afraid when they hear someone has the big C and they don't know what to say. I say talk to me like you always have. If I am not feeling well enough to attend the party I will let ya know. Just don't treat me different. Many people I have called friends have fallen to the wayside since I told them.
During times like I a have where at times I can get depressed becaue I am so tired much of the time, and I am bored just laying around here. I would hope htat my friends would remember that when they ned someone to be a friend or be with them I am always the first person they call and I will do whatI can to get there no matter the distance.
Maybe I need to create a new gauge for friendship. I don't want to be a friend of conveinence or only if they need something. I want o have my phone ring from time to time and just hear a friendly voice on the other end say I just called to say hi what's up with you lately? I don't want to be the constant instigator of those calls and Emails.
This experience the last few days have beenenlightening to say the least. If you want brutal honestly right now I am crying (which I never do) but I am because I finally see the big picture of who my friends are and are not. It saddens me. I'm lonely and people seems so afraid to be around me like they can catch it. I don't understand it but it is what it is.
I do understand people have bus y lives with work, school, family etc. But it does not take but a few minutes to punch an Email out,or place a phone call. I don't know maybe it's my frame of mind and being bummed out tonight but it just seems like it would be easier to go back to what I know for sure years ago. IF I am going to survive and thrive thatI need to pull everything I need frommyself and never reply on anyone one else ever. Friends are good but acquaintances are sometimes better. With friendships there becomes a certain trust and healthy dependence on. The best analogy I can think of right now as I amfalling asleep typing is imagine a 2 lane raod but 1 lane stops 1/4 of the way. Now I am in the lane that goes all the way to the end and sopme of my so called friends are at that end coming towards me, but the road ends before we even get to the half way point. And they can't figure out anyother was to reach at least that half way mark. If it were me i would get out and walk it, or go off road to ge there. I am a very loyal friend and will do whatI have to to get to my friends if they need something. Just as my friend in So Cali. she neded me and in less then 12 hours of hanging up the phone with her I was on a plane and not only that had landed in San Diego , rented a car and was at her hours. This was 12 hours after she said she needed me and I knew she was in bad shape. I am not asking for anythign drastic like that but I have had 1 phone call and that was tonight and one text. It's lonely, but it is a good thing I am used to feeling that way at many different tmes in my life. It is a familiar feeling to me. I can cope with it. I guess I just thought that I was finally past that and hadsome great friends. Guess that whole thought needs to be reexamined. Maybe I just need to pull back from everyone. It would save me the tears that are falling now, and sorrow in my heart.
Oh well that is life, or at least mine. I don't have he same energy to be the one to always make the contact first. So my guess is even more will fall to the weigh side. I don't ant them too but thatis up to them. whatever, I am fine. Always have been always will be!
Please forgive any spelling errors I am more than half a sleep writing this. Don't feel like running a spell check.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Now let me regress.. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that every time I would wake up and go back to sleep it would pick back up where it left off. That one involved some people I had recent contact and some I have and never would even know. I was leaving a building at a university with a friend of mine that was with a professor and me. Along with us, other students were in the class were leaving the building at the same time. Upon walking out of the building there was a group of what looked like terrorists opening fire on everyone. Let me clarify this was only a dream and did not happen in real life. Therefore, in the dream some of the students were able to runaway. The rest of us were told to sit on the ground and not move. So the 3 of us that walked out of the building together began trying to negotiate with these people because by this point, the police had arrived and those holding us hostage had demands they wanted met. So we were trying to keep talking to them and going through all the motions of our combined training in working with difficult people or situations. I than woke up.
When I fell back to sleep it continued where it left off. Except this time enters the white dog Kiki that I fostered last winter and have again this winter. With her owners, she is a little escape artist and gets out frequently. With me, she can't get out because I have a fence in my back yard. However, in my dream she was running around and barking and chortling which sounds like singing or talking kind of. Anyway, no one was shot and after I woke up for the last time I thought wow OK that was weird. I will say I think I do understand the meaning a correlation of it. Recently I had done a presentation for a class with a friend at a university and was talking about my life and different things that had occurred during my life. My dream was representative of my fears of the repercussions of sharing such personal information with strangers.
So tonight, I wake up after another crazy dream. In this one, I was floating above myself not flying just floating, and I was not dead. It was as if I was just kind of checking things out. I remember I was feeling lonely and was trying to see what everyone else was doing that was so important. Everyone I saw was busy with all of their responsibilities, work, family, children, and all their other responsibilities. So wrapped up in their own lives that they could not see beyond what was right in front of them. Alternatively, they were afraid of all the unknowns so they stay inside the safety of their own bubble. I understand that there are certain aspects of my life in which I do the same. I know the demands society places on people. However, while I was floating around I saw so much more. The selfishness of people, and the humility of others. The self-lessness of some and those that thought they were owed everything from others. I remember in my dream asking myself why I feel so much compassion for everyone and seem to be looked over by many others. I felt like I did not matter to anyone and was there taking up precious air that could be used for more worthy endeavors. It was a very lonely feeling, isolated. Like I was the only one that was keeping in contact with my friends by making the first move by calling or E'ing Very few of my friends initiate it with me first. That sometimes makes me wonder if they are really my friend, especially if it a one sided give and take that was all giving from me. Not all are life that but a majority of the times it is. I hate the loneliness and boredom.
Then as the dream progressed, I was hovering over myself and started seeing myself at all different ages. At those ages, I seeing all the other strange dreams I would have at those ages. Some were reoccurring like my Charlie friend that I would in my dream of course find in a closet in the basement and as soon as I walked in the closet mutated into a huge jungle rain forest. There we would play and climb on trees and play with all the other animal friends in the jungle. You see Charlie was a monkey. Yes, I said monkey. I had that dream a lot as a kid. In addition, tonight I saw it again in my dream but it was like a dream in a dream. I know this sounds crazy but it was what I was dreaming.
Then once again, there were terrorists firing at me and only me this time. There were others that I knew that were watching this and laughing at me as I was trying to dodge the bullets. I knew they were real bullets and they were laughing. Some of them my friends. Than just as I saw one coming that I could not get away from I woke up with a start.
In trying to figure out what this one meant I think part of it was because every now and then I think of people I call friends and the call me friend but it seems like the only times I hear from them they need something from me or whatever. I sometimes question if they are friends if I am the only one instigating and keep the friendship going by being the ones that calls or Emails.
I also think that part of it is I trying to recapture the good things from when I was a kid, and my Charlie dream is a sweet comforting memory. Maybe that part was telling me that I need comfort right now. Friends that are supportive of some serious health things going on with me and feel like it is just me against the world and this health issue. That I have to do it alone as I have with every other thing in my life. I need that support and sometimes just an escape from it for a little bit of time. To just have fun with someone where the health issues are not the entire conversation point. Just fun, to laugh with others, talk with others or whatever.
I will be really honest and expose my emotions here and I am not real good or comfortable with doing it but I am feeling it right now. There are times since I have been going through this I just get so discouraged and wish I could talk to someone who would encourage me. Friends… We all need them. I start balling because sometimes that is all I can do. On the other hand I feel like I am imposing on my friends and don't want to burden them with my feelings. My friends know me as an upbeat happy person who is willing to go to any lengths to help my friends. Sometimes I just get discouraged when I am in a place where I feel like I need a friend to do for me what I do for them.
As far as the part where I was being shot at, at one point I could tell that one of the shooters was me. Now here again let me just clarify I am not feeling like I want to harm myself in any way. Nothing even close to that. Maybe I was trying to be shot so I could feel alive or maybe it was my trying to kill those horrible parts of my childhood. Alternatively, maybe it was even me punishing myself for opening myself up to strangers so completely, and was feeling vulnerable about it. I don't know but that lonely feeling never left during the entire dream. Another possibility is I was trying to kill this issue with my health in me.
I don't know any ideas. I am open to them.
I did write this at 3 AM but fell asleep before I got it posted so the tme stamp is 7 something AM.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
How many times in our lives do we look back at things and think of all the if onlys? If only I had been stronger. If only I would have been smarter. If only I had been or done this or that. I am guilty, as I tend to think about these things from time to time. OK OK I do it more than from time to time. I do it all the time. Not only do I think about it, I apply it. I believe it. I take all of those if onlys into my psyche and apply them to my life and different events. It’s easier to blame one’s self that try to surrender to the thought that someone else holds the guilt. To affix culpability to someone else and expect him or her to accept it is beyond comprehension. For some to garner an understanding someone needs to take that responsibility. It’s easier to forgive others before one’s self even if others think that person in that instance has nothing to forgive themselves for. I am not saying that this is something that all will understand but it is a mindset many subscribe to.
I don’t know why I thought about this right now. Oh well. I guess my point is if for every if only we may hold in our mind we could also ask the proverbial what if as well. However, that too is an open-ended question. Both are questions that do not have any solid answers for. Yet for many they will search their entire lives for the answers.
So the real question becomes how much energy and time will one devote in the search during their lifetime. This also leads to another question. What if one had been stronger, smarter, faster etc., how would that have altered everything that would come after? I have been asked in the past if I could change anything or event in my life would I? Sounds like a what if type of question to me.I have always answered no because the entire compilation of events has shaped me into who I am today. My values, the social justice fights I choose, my compassion, and everything else. Included I suppose it would be accurate to say that because of some of these things they have made me bitter to certain things, hardened me to other things, more alert or a hypersensitivity to thing. With the good comes the bad.
Therefore, it is a matter of choice what to take with you as time goes by. Yes, good and evil go hand in hand and has from the point of creation but we still have opportunities along our way in life to make a decision what we want to carry with us. If we do leave something behind, or as a modern society would say dealt with and moved on that space would need to be filled with something. Something would inevitably replace it. I think that anything we carry with us can be a weight. We always hear that carrying negative things or baggage with us all the time causes us to be weighed down and heavy. The analogy that negative baggage weighs us down. Yet, no one talks about how even the good baggage can be weighty. Thus wouldn’t everything we experience and have imprints of either physically, emotionally, mentally or otherwise, good bad and indifferent have weight? Don’t all things we encounter provide us with a gage on how we handle similar situations in the future?
For example, I do not like to have my back to a door especially in public. Even my bed faces the door in the basement. The interior door that leads to the playroom, work area and laundry room is directly to my left and visible via peripheral vision. The door to the freezer room and bathroom is to my right and also in my peripheral vision. I know why I position myself the way I do it’s not important to go into it here. Is it a weight or just simple self-preservation? Or is it a lasting reaction to past events? If it’s the later, couldn’t it also be a good thing? No one can sneak up on me, and I always see what is coming my way.
So here is a question for you to answer. It would be interesting to see what those of you who read my blog think. Question: Are all experiences good and bad, anything that creates a memory of any kind, is it a weight you carry with you in all you do now or are just the bad things the weights? Can the good things or memories become weighty after time as well? Do the good things create a sort of expectation that everything similar to that must live up to? What do you think? Would you change anything in your lifes history? If so would you do so even knowing that it may alter who you are today or even physical cirrcumstances? What if the one thing you would change would alter history just enough that you would never meet your spouse or even have the children you do? Would you still do it even if everything you love now would be either shared with someone else or you may not have at all? Would you still change even the smallest of things?
OK that is my rabbit trail from my way to cerebral at times brain. If only I didn’t think so much or so hard. On the other hand what if I didn’t? What characteristic would replace that trait? Sorry, I just had to add that.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
First let me begin by saying yes I know it is late or early for some 3:33 AM. I am having a bad night physically. I am sure by now most of those that read this know I had my 20 year class reunion in August. What most did not know at that time was about a week before I heard the words that altered my life and shook me to the core as nothing ever before or since. The doctor came in the room and gently and softly said she was sorry but the mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI all showed that I had one rather large tumor and another that was not as big. They did the biopsy and again the doctor came in the room and said I have an aggressive stage 2 breast cancer. OK now I had to figure out how to process this. I couldn't. I didn't tell anyone, literally no one. Hell, no one even knew I had a mammo. Slowly I began to tell a very small circle of people I felt I could really trust. I was referred to a cancer care center and I have since had surgery and it was discovered that there was actually a third. The problem was it was growing between the collarbone and the breastbone. Like being wedged in. Now my doctor who is wonderful began to consult with other docs to figure out how to remove it without breaking or fracturing the bone because of the high concentration of cancer cells the chance of them getting into the bone according to the docs would only have given me maybe a 30% survival rate. The next surgery they did it with 3 surgeons in the room. I was terrified going into the OR but felt confident. I have since had many more imaging tests and they showed that there was part of that tumor they did not get. So it is still there. I have been going through radiation therapy and it is exhausting. It scares me and puts things in a perspective that I have never had before.
Now to the time traveling. Tonight first, I am in physical pain, and to be honest emotionally I am not in a good place. I have lived a colorful life to say the least. I fear that if this tumor is unable to be taken care of I don't what my life expectancy is. I have learned over the years of my colorful life to smile and just act as if nothing is wrong. I am very good at that, mastered it. Tonight I am having a bad night. There are so many things I want to do and kids I want to help and future teachers to help them understand kids as I was. Therefore, it has thrust me into a place that I am unfamiliar with. So I have begun to share my life story with future teachers. I did so on Tuesday to a group of college students specifically going to be special education teachers, which I was a sped kid too hyper and smart for my own good. I don't know if it the docs can get this into remission or not I don't know how much time I have on this earth no one does and I have decided that it is time to share my story with those it can help. I have the help of a former teacher which is a HUGE blessing. I couldn't do it alone. It is still difficult. I tire very quickly. It's like taking someone who lives their live at a 100 miles an hour and taking them to 50 mph instantly. That has been the hardest adjustment. There are times I am still in denial that this is even happening to me. I feel like I brought it upon myself because of things I have been through in my life. It doesn't matter if it was willing or not I still feel it is my fault and I brought all this on myself.
Due to speaking to these college students has sent me on a journey that is difficult but I want my message to get out to many people as possible so when they become teachers or whatever they will have a greater understanding of those kids that have live a life similar to mine. I want other kids to not have to experience things I did in school or home. The problem with that is it brings it all back to that moment. The time it happened, my mind goes back to that age and I feel it as if it is happening all over again. Now with the cancer my perspective on life. I need to share my life so others can learn learn from it. I will do anything I need to do regardless of how difficult it is. I can handle the physical pain; the emotional pain is more challenging. Sharing my life story is even more difficult.
My perspective on life has changed and I don't know what it holds for me. Will I live or die from the cancer. I am terrified to share it but I will do it through the terror. It is not easy thank God; I have a friend that helps me through the hard parts. She is a blessing in my life and was in sixth grade. She just didn't know it then. I hope she knows it now.
This person does not get everything I have been taught to believe but that is OK. Sharing my life with a group of strangers let me tell you it challenging, but this person challenges me in ways no one has done before.
I don't know that my future holds, but I am going to do as much as I can and make s much of a difference as I can. I know that I need to share my life with people and as hard as it is, I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to make a difference for all the kids like I was. You can look back at other blogs I have written to see what some of those are.
Maybe it is the medicine my defences are down I am taking, but I feel compeled to share just a few instinses. (I edited somethings out here in case my young neice or nephews see this) I have had some awful experiences with former teachers. However, I have survived it all. Not without repercussions, but what can you expect when I basically raised myself. I have compassion for people more don't. My life isn't that bad there are bright spots, my parents aren't bad parents, nor were all my teachers were horrible only 2 in particular.
This whole cancer thing and speaking to future teachers has caused me to think differently. Life is precious and I try to make a memory of everything that I do.
Tonight is a tough night for me. I am feeling very discouraged tonight, not to mention the physical pain tonight. I put a smile on my face and just continue on as if everything is just fine with me. Even when it's not. Which is now. I am afraid to tell people the latest result of all the imagine tests.
My life is what it is. I can't change it, but I can help others with it. I am fighting to beat this but there are times I feel I just can't do it. Thank God for good friends, a great doctor, and the prayers that are going forth for me. I have never run from a fight or backed down from a challenge. I am tired of the pain and and being tired. I am still feisty and there are days I feel I can beat this and other days that that I want to through up my hands in defeat and just let the cancer take its course.
If my life story will help one future teacher or save one kid, it's worth it. I had never shared it with anyone until speaking to the university students until that evening. I walked away from the college students was a milestone for me. Being told you have aggressive breast cancer everything. I will say that it puts thing about life in a completely new perspective.
When I was talking to the college student it really, it was difficult. They seemed respectful of my life. I pushed myself harder to get the job done.
So I do have pain and but to save 1 kid or help 1 sped teacher it's all worth it. So the physical pains groans on, I have a smile on my face, this time traveling through my life as hard but continue I must.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
To all the proud, No voters at the last school board meeting. How proud you must be. No band or orchestra in 6th grade, no band lessons in high school, higher athletic fees, loss of teachers and aides, cutting librarians, program support teachers, gifted and talented teacher cuts at all levels, increase in class sizes 35 – 40 and mandatory one additional class to be taught, getting rid of 1 east and west teacher and replace them with an aide. Wait let's not forget counseling services, school social workers, athletic directors, dean of students at McLane, possibly eliminating a principal position at elementary level, all gone without a tax levy.
Hang on there's more beautiful things the no's I am sure are proud to stand behind. The elimination of business and technology departments and all classes go too. Middle school exploratories, world culture and tech ed. Elementary fitness, which the no's can scream about childhood obesity and laziness of our youth but still use TV and video games as babysitters. Makes sense right? Sure, sarcasm was needed there.
The most humorous part was reducing the school week to 4 days and increasing the hours per day to 9.5 to 10 hours those 4 days. Show me a school age kid that will sit in a classroom in a teachable frame of mind for that many hours and I will show you a kid that is over stimulated from hours at school and extra homework demands from it, beyond exhausted up most of the night doing homework or work and homework, plus the after school extra-cirriculars they may get home by 8 or 9 maybe. Now you also have a weekday without school but parents would still be working, which creates a higher demand on the family budget for daycare or babysitter for the younger ones, and more time for the older ones to watch TV or play those video games all day eating I am sure very nutritious snacks that will not add to the obesity issue. I am sure those video games are very educational teaching all kinds of good things relating to all the cuts of classes the schools would have to make. Maybe they will go to the public library to check out all the porn they have head so much about lately, the horror…
Before you go and holler about the schools needing more money take the time to find out why and what drastic measures they will have to take to get it otherwise. Don't just educate yourself from just the conservative aspect; look at the liberal side as well. Somewhere in the middle is the answer. We all know that these are fiscally tough times for every family but to push it onto our children's shoulders and the effect it would have on them in the future for college entrance or employment if kid wants to go into business or the tech industry we would be sending them to college or out into the world much farther behind than other districts. Our kids would be at a severe disadvantage competitively they wouldn't make it past the first cut. Think about that. Talk to an educator as I did, ask them what they think about this and how they think it would impact their ability to continue the quality education they give our kids now with longer days, less teachers and aids, no counselors or social workers to offer student support, higher class sizes and more classes to teach. Ask that educator if all of these cuts are done and they don't get a salary increase for all the extra time they would be mandated to teach added classes that if another district offered them a job with the same responsibilities but a salary increase would they go. Let me answer that for many of them, in a second. Try to find quality educators to come and teach in West Bend when we get a reputation for not caring about our kid's futures and ability to merge into adult society successfully.
Stop thinking about this as what this levy would do to you, and ask yourself what it would do to all the kids. Is $100.00 bucks or so a year worth under educating them? No! Take the 10 bucks a month you spend on fast food, coffee, case of soda, or something and set it aside at the end of the year you will be up $200.00 bucks.
The district did not set out secretly planning ways to 'get' the taxpayers. The district was put in this mess by the state cutting their funds without telling them before this year's budget had to be completed. Pat Herdrich or any other school official is not trying to screw anyone or squeeze more money out of people to spend on extra candy vending machines or so the admin and teachers can give themselves all raises and fly to Europe for fun. They are asking for it so classes are not cut, teachers let go, and in the end, the students are the ones left with the consequences. This is defiantly a NEED not a WANT.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Have you ever given any thought about what you are to accomplish in life before we die? I have many times. Sure, there are things I want to do but are there really things that only we can do or only we need to do? I do not know.
I have been thinking a lot about my own mortality lately and can I just say it is tough. I mean when is enough enough to just let nature take its course and allow what very is going to happen. I am unsure of that too.
I will keep this short I am much too tired to write more right now but maybe later if I am awake.
Hasta La Bye Bye
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
- Do you ever just want to scream STOP the train I want to get off?
- Do you ever feel like around every corner is yet another crap storm?
- Do you ever want to throw your hands up in defeat?
- Do you ever feel like what is the point in all this?
- Do you ever wonder what the lesson to be learned is?
- Do you ever think fine whatever the lesson hurry up and get it over with already?
- Do you ever get sick of hearing all in good time?
- Do you ever tire of hearing people tell you everything happens for a reason?
If you answer yes to any of the above join the club. I seem to be saying, feeling or thinking these things frequently lately. So here is what I am learning..
- You can scream STOP the train I want to get off, but that does not mean the brakes will actually work. You can jump off, but the second ride down the same tracks may be worse, and cost more.
- Crap storms happen
- Throwing your hands up in defeat just means that the battle will come around again.
- Often it really doesn't matter what the point is at the time.
- The lesson needed to be learned will never be known until you look back on it later.
- Some lessons cannot be hurried they need time to marinate and become apart of who we are as people and learn everything the lesson entailed.
- All in good time is an oxymoron. It may take time but it doesn't have to be good.
- Everything happens for a reason, which may be true but refer back to crap storms happen.
These are the only words of wisdom I have tonight. I am not feeling very wise lately. More like being in the middle of well…. A crap storm!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
OK folks, as much as I fussed and cussed and fluctuated about going to my class reunion I went. I hate to admit it but I actually had a good time. SSHH don't tell anyone. All those 'good' people in my throwaway series of blogs believe it or not, 20 years later, they – we are all the same. There is no good or throwaway anymore. Now, we are equal. No one is better than the other. It was kind of nice. I talked to people 20 years ago neither one of us would have given the time of day to. There are a few I did not really get a chance to talk to but over all, it was a good time.
I have got to say however, I still stand by my statements I said at the reunion. I was the smarted one there. I managed to be the photog and not the one in the pics… Whose the smart one now class of 89? OK that was sarcasm. I still do not lack in that department. There were so many people I had not planned on really spending any time chatting with, and I did.
Life is an amazing thing. The twists and turns it takes along the way are nothing short of a miracle. I was the one most thought would be in prison or something equal to that, and yet when I walked in and a person I grew up playing hide and seek, kick the can, 123, or ghost in the graveyard with said my name and greeted me, (mind you I was not sure who it was at first) said so many people were asking if I was there yet, and just asking about me in general can I just say I was more than surprised certainly a difference from high school.
20 years later I would not have guessed would have allowed things to be so different, but they were. No cliques, no rumors, none of that existed tonight. No one was pretending to be someone they weren't or trying to fit in to any particular group. There were no jocks, freaks, burn outs, throwaways, or losers. We all gathered together in one room, listened to the same songs we did in the 80's, some danced, some grooved where ever they stood or sat, others just chatted with whoever was closest.
To me what is the most ironic thing is some that came up and talked to me were surprised that I am doing the things I am now. The freelancing, photog, hurricane Katrina runs to New Orleans and Mississippi, work with the delinquent teens etc, for some they were genuinely surprised others seemed to somehow know I was more than most knew in high school.
My life during those times was not shall I say the best but I came through and I will continue to get through. Life 20 years later is not all that bad. Actually, tonight it was quite fun. Just don't tell anyone I admitted it OK? And without a last name, Kathy, mark this down in your history book to remember this cuz I don't say this often you were right OK?
I have more I will probably say about this later, but for now it is 4:20 AM and I have a bit of a buzz rolling. For now, it's time to take off the mascara and all the other gunk on my face and try and crash.
Dr. Seuss (sp) wrote a book I like to give to kids that are graduating from high school it's called 'Oh The Places You Will go' it wasn't around when we graduated but today in 2009 just look at all the places we as the class of 1989 we have gone, and all the places we have yet to go……
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I have been asked why and how some throwaway kids make it through and furthermore make it intact to grow and sometimes even flourish into adulthood. I'll try to explain.
Saying that we make it through unscathed, integral or unbroken would be a lie. Truthfully, we don't. There is no way we can. Some may remain lost souls forever. We will forever struggle to reconcile all that has been embezzled from us either by force or of our giving out of fear of retribution if we don't give freely, to the silent part of us that has been thrust to the deepest darkest part of our souls after time even we forget it's there because it never sees the light until we know beyond all doubt we will be safe, even then others have to work impossibly hard to even catch a glimpse of it. Yet, there is a third and forth part that we need to interconnect to the above. Our intelligence or psyche, and the obstinate or as some would say defiant nature some of have, yes some more than others so stop laughing already folks..
Let me see if I can try and simplify this without over thinking it.
Every time a throwaway kid is hit, called stupid, dumb, or told we will never amount to anything so why don't we just drop out of school, or check ourselves into jail, some that are suppose to love and care for us will even go as far to tell us that we should just kill ourselves so they don't have to look at us anymore or so we will no longer be able to bring shame to the family or the good family name and that it would save the tax payers money is they didn't have to pay for us in prison for the rest of our lives. Basically anytime things happen to us that most say shouldn't happen to a kid we have to allow ourselves to separate just a little bit more from the core of the essence of what others say we were born to be even though we know differently what our true purpose for us is (that was covered in the previous post). We have to leave a small amount of what we think is an insignificant part of us behind in that place.
Let me add here it's not like a psych disorder like dissociative disorder, or schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or anything like that. There is no psychological disorder that plays a role in this process at all, except maybe oppositional defiant disorder that that will eventually work for us.
We just know we can't hold it all at one time so we leave some behind and move on to the next event. It is how define survival of the fittest. Those that cannot do that may not make it out the other side. I know I almost didn't. I was holding it all and it was bubbling, raging, and boiling just below the surface and began to overtake my brain because as a throwaway who was I to tell not to mention as a throwaway who can we tell that may believe us regardless of how many bruises, and if we do we can be assured even more trouble will be waiting for us at home or where ever we go later. Throwaway kids are just seen as selfish, disconsolate, emotionally aggrieved children If we do take the risk and bring someone into our confidence, oh hell, it makes the situations worse. So we stay silent and pray someone notices something so we don't have to say it.
Another adjunct here, we throwaways can write about everything that has happened in our lives in beautiful or really dark prose or poetry, sometimes even songs, make the most spectacular and disturbing drawings and paintings, play wonderful or dank music, or develop our own language or words, codes sort of, only we will ever know what it means, but for us to sit down and say the words as the rest of society knows them, to speak them it brings an even greater shame, guilt, self loathing, resentment and hate for ourselves, blame and solidifies our conviction to our belief that it's why we were born to be the takers of everyone else's crap. Most will never know this but to a throwaway it brings a whole type of pain. Not pain per say but heaviness or burden on us that now we have to stand in the reality of the true word definitions and then see the horror on others faces when they hear them. That becomes more severe, cumbersome, and almost feels more violent then the occurrences themselves. We feel like we are being pounded into the ground and would rather melt right then and there to avoid that. Yet, we also know that if we get the chance to get older that we will eventually need to face that. Again, that is where having our friends listen to our silence is important no matter how old we get.
Throwaways also are masters at compartmentalizing things. This is also part of the separating things from ourselves. We must keep every event apart from the others. We don't like to just stack everything on top of the others. Although there are times we have to because our compartments become to full. At that point we categorize them by type of event it was, what it involved. Speaking from experience here when we do that we actually do forget about some of those things especially if the one who did it we are trying to hold on to some at least neutral memory. We forget it so it won't be on instant recall and bring the 'bad' memories to cloud the semi neutral ones we want to keep. I wonder if that even makes sense to anyone reading this.
As a side note: another thing throwaways do and I know this drives many people nuts; is minimize everything. Nothing is a big deal, nothing no matter the severity is a major occurrence. In our minds we believe this because we feel that if we survived it, than it's just not that big of a deal. Anyone that is not a throwaway kid past or present will never be able to see things that way. To them anything bad that happened to us is a big deal. We honestly believe in our hearts it's not a little thing but that inner voice does not yell loud enough to over take the inner voice that whispers in our heads., it's just another part of a throwaways life that is what it is. As long as we continue to survive than everything is fine and it's just another day in the life. Even if we do actually know it's something is not just a blip on the scale we have a hard time acknowledging it to anyone. To do so in our minds would mean that we were or are not tough enough to just not have it effect us. By a throwaway minimizing everything it makes it easier to continue to get out of bed each morning and continue to move ahead. Some how it is just easier to understand everything that's going on in our lives. A throwaway knows that at some point they will have to grasp the magnitude of things but they can't until the whisper of the heart over takes the screaming in their heads. Some throwaways just may need a little help making the heart voice louder. However, unless you are a throwaway one would never know that.
By keeping things separate we can hold them easier. It is at those points in our life I don't know what you call it but where some force enters your life and pulls some hidden rip cord we didn't even know was there that kicks those nice neatly stacked boxes over and creates a continuous running movie in your mind of everything. That is where we freak and become anxious. Now it's a film and all the emotions we thought we didn't have ascend and we have to make a choice to feel and acknowledge them or walk away from them. Although by walking away from them all a throwaway usually will self destruct in short order. Even if they have to take them in stages that is better than trying to leave them in the dust.
This is where our oppositional defiance helps us. This next part is going to sound stupid and completely brainless but follow me. Somewhere in the recesses of our mind where our self reliance and independence we had to have to raise ourselves because no one else wanted to participate, we intellectually know we are incredibly strong individuals. We are stubborn to a fault. From there is where we have to make our choices once we are free to do so without anyone else beating their own agenda on our already scarred bodies. We have to find our passion, decide what will rule our every thought and action and pursue whatever that is with as much violence, force, authority and control that was used against our every waking moment during all the time we were held hostage.
We have to find a very delicate equilibrium and calculate everything down the minutest of details. We have to make sure that all of the pain, mistrust in all humanity, the hate we have for ourselves and that others have for us, betrayal we felt around every single corner we turned, brutality we lived with and know as our normal and comfort zone, all of that we still have to keep hidden.
I'll simplify a bit and bring it to a more understandable situation.
You don't walk into a job interview or when you first meet someone that has the potential of being a friend, I really want this job and to be your friend but oh by the way if you ever feel the need to have to vent some anger and want to give me a fist to the face because either you or I feel I deserve it go ahead it's ok really, I'll be fine. And since were on that just so you are aware I may have certain quirks that you may find unusual like I may be really jumpy around people I don't know, or large crowds, and I may jump up and punch you in the face if you approach me from my blind spot without letting me know in some way you are coming, I'm sorry in advance for that it's just because when I was growing from as long as I remember and I remember much farther back that anybody I know, I had to endure through some very excruciating things that killed my spirit and soul and took things from me by force that was not for them to take but for me to give if I chose but deserved it every single time because I am a throwaway and my purpose in life is to be your slave and servant here to satisfy and gratify you in any way you may choose to use me, but by way when do I report for my first day, and lets go see a movie sometime new friend. That job and friend would poof right out of there leaving nothing but a charcoal trail they left as they burned the ground they left so fast. That is what the throwaway has to process to keep themselves appearing to be as normal as everyone else, when inside they know they must have a huge mark on them that everyone can see listing all their faults.
So we have to make sure none of that shows in our eyes or little quirks. We have to force ourselves to do things that at the time make us feel like we are going to hyperventilate and pass out. All to appear that we are just like everyone, or at least what they link is normal. We have to be every vigilant of what and how we say things. We over think to such an extreme other joke about it and tell us to just stop doing it. We can't that is another way we survived to bring us to where we are today. Now it is even more important. There are things that are still in the shadows even the memories are faint but some of those people could still actually get in trouble even if we are now adults. So we censor and edit every word that escapes our lips. It also prevents us from letting anyone get to close to that little scared and worthless child in us still lives. We still say all the same things in the high decibels of our silence I stated in the previous post except to an adult throwaway we have to control that too. Let's face it we would be and look stupid If we didn't. It is all part of the balance.
My last point is most people that find out there are throwaways out here are amazed that we have any capacity to love, care, know what Is right and wrong, have a solid moral compass on which we stand, and just basically turned out to be some of what appears to be the most forgiving and compassionate people they have ever met. They can't begin to fathom how we raised ourselves, and are not jaded, or filled with so much fury and resentment that we don't want to destroy everyone that ever laid a hand on us like a friend of mine told me today how "disgusted and angry" at this person being discussed because of what happened.
We can't acknowledge or have access to all those feelings my friend mentioned today. We don't understand why others get so worked up about things that to a throwaway are just a part of our life. It is just another given that things like that happen to us. It is our normal, it is what we know as love and self worth. We know it is better to be wanted for something even if it hurtful to us. We can't stay in that angry spiteful place because if we do we will spontaneously combust. We have to chose what is important and worth wasting time on and what isn't. However, we have to be defiant and rebellious just enough to be able decide ya know what screw all you people! All of you, all of you wretched, miserable, putrid, repugnant, disingenuous, ungrateful, sorry sons and daughters of bitches, poor excuses of a human beings, you are a living, breathing proof that not only have human genomes not only been through several stages of evolution but that huge mutations as do really occur. What you will never know unless you have a highly developed and sensitive ear to read and hear the silence you won't know that while we convey that on the peripheral in the confidential, secret recess of a throwaways mind we will still know and believe with every ounce of our being that we not only deserved but in someway asked for every minute of it and feel worthy to have been chosen.
As to why we love so deeply regardless of all that has been done to us it is very simple and complex all at the same time. Simply speaking because we can so why not? On a multifarious elevation we do because we HAVE to, because despite any of the broken bones people may have caused, type of violation committed against the throwaway especially if by societal norms some of those people had been entrusted with safeguarding our hearts, minds and bodies are the exact people that began the conditioning they would need to numb themselves out and learn how to separate and leave those little particles of myself behind so they could continue to take more from anyone else that may want a piece of them. We have to love because it's how can continue to see the same people and and continue to endure day after day.
The populace that our voices will not be silent for is those that have been entrusted to care for the throwaway. They will protect them at any cost even if it is with our spirit and body. They will be thunderous in our defense of them. They will fight and argue that those people didn't mean to do it. They didn't mean to teach us that the definition of all love is total and complete viciousness annihilation of the throwaways innocent child's spirit, soul and body that was placed in their arms through whatever channels it took to get that throwaway there. The fresh untarnished unwritten upon slate of the life you now hold. That is what a throwaway knows and believes is love. Anything thing that wavers off that base line we do not understand and is ironically viewed as abuse.
It is also an undying need that another driving intensity is our conceded selfishness that is if a throwaway continues to love them with all our might maybe just maybe someday it will come back to them. The way all our unspoken silent screams beg and yearn for and not the way we know it love to be. If we love them deep enough, hard enough, and with every ounce of everything we have in us eventually they will come around and finally protect us, keep us safe, hold and hug us the way we have needed so long ago. All along we know that will never happen. We will continue to deserve to be a throwaway to all civilization and know that we will be thrown right back into the dumpster or trash mountain we had to climb out of just so you could hurt and accost the throwaway again.
Yet, we love also so we can help all the throwaways that are still coming behind us. So we can teach them how to survive through it. So we can tell them we understand their silence in a way no one else ever could or will. So we can reach our hand out to them so they can grab hold to be pulled out of their deepest secret place. So we can hold them and tell them they too will be OK. So we can do for them every single thing that all the people in our own lives failed to do no matter how loud we cried, begged, needed, wanted or pleaded for. So we will not have to look back and wonder if we did enough, if we touched them, improved their life, made them feel safe and did everything we could for them regardless of bureaucratic red tape. That we jumped every hurtle, and scaled the tallest of buildings, cut the chains and protected them no matter what harm may befall us. So that they will know that anything that maybe be coming to them we will step in front of their small, bruised, broken and violated body so that the attack will have to pass through us first now. We will wipe away their tears, even those that run hot down their throat so no one can see them. So they will know we not only see them we hear them. We will take them home and make their life better and not just tell them we want or wanted to. We will take action to safeguard your spirit, soul and body even if that means our bodies get broken, bruised, violated, and more scars form on top of the ones already there. We will fight to the death for them until we no longer have even the smallest amount of oxygen left in our lungs or own body collapses and falls into the grave that was dug for us the day we were born. So they will know how to champion and wage war for all the ones that will follow after them.
It all follows what we know to be our purpose in life. Fulfill everyone else's needs at all costs. Do it all to us, we can take is, they cannot. Let us take it or you steal it from us, let us service you and please you. We must place all throwaways that are to follow into that equation too, so their burden will not be so heavy, and maybe by us taking it they won't have to and may even be able to end up in the 'good' ones group.
That is why we must love, have compassion, come out on the other side, and be as oppositional and defiant as we can be.
I hope this had some semblance of reason I explained it well enough.
There may be more to follow later. This post seems scattered to me and may get some tweaking later. For now, here it is...
Monday, August 10, 2009
I was having lunch with a friend today and we were discussing my blog post from the other night. The one titled Voice of the Throw-aways. We got to talking about emotions and all that goofy stuff.
Before I go on let me give you the picture. We were sitting in a restaurant, I was sitting sideways in the booth so my back was up against the wall, and my legs were stretched out across the bench. I was in jeans and a tank top and having what I think is a good hair day. She was dressier because she was on her lunch break. She sat normally at the table. She, as she says, wears her emotions on her sleeve. Me, I do not. It actually takes a great deal too illicit emotion from me unless it is anger, frustration or the like. The more sensitive or as we, the throw aways see them, 'bad' ones hurt, fear, insecurity, sorrow, and others, well those do not surface often at all. This person provokes me to think deeper for understanding or ways of explaining than most do. She challenges me with her naivety of her grasp of a throw away kid. The phrase alone can bring tears to her eyes. She knows we throw aways’ exist in her head but it hurts her heart to know it at the same time.
Throw away kids have been conditioned to not allow those bad emotions to show because they would always be used against us and at times in some of the vilest of ways. So we teach ourselves how to walk around with a blank stare on our faces, or just plain mean and angry. That way no one can hurt us or take advantage of our most private thoughts and feelings. We already are made to feel blameworthy and condemned for what we do show. If we cry it's too much, if we explode in anger it's too much. If they only knew that the little they see is not even scratching the surface of how deep and powerful those sensations or passions are. They only see the smoke that burns off the top of the stack; it's only a diminutive amount of all that lies beneath, it's the part we cannot contain or control anymore and needs to be burned off. The cauldron of emotions the power of all of them never make it to the surface. How could they if the little that escapes the stacks is viewed as too much.
So we teach ourselves to not feel the pain, you can't get hurt if you don't feel the tenderness of pain. We can't get disappointed if we don't get excited or happy about anything. We can't get sad or grieve if we don't know all we are really missing, and we can't believe that everything in our life is not our fault if all people do is blame us for everything. We can't achieve confidence if the rug gets pulled out from us at every turn. We can't gain success if we do not know how to feel proud of ourselves. We cannot begin to trust if everyone always fails us. Yet, we are afraid to show it if we do something that we are proud of because someone will point out even the smallest of mistakes we may have made to get to that miniscule proud moment. Those never last.
We won't make the first move with anything. We wait for someone else to make it and then watch very closely all the reactions. We can't learn to trust if no one trusts us. We can't learn not to duck when a hand comes up to pat us on the back or give us a hug, if all we know hands to do is to hurt or hit. We won't tell you what we are thinking because we know you would not understand it. We don't try to explain how we feel or what we need or want because not only will it be used against us, but you may see us as weak, clingy or demanding attention. When that is exactly what we are doing but we don't do it through all we say or do. We do it by saying can't you see me? Can you even hear what I am really saying underneath this bravado? Can't you see all the marks? Can't you see something in us has changed? Are you blind to the fact that we are dying right before your eyes? Do you even care at all? Do you believe you can try to love a kid back to life? I don't right now but I would be willing to try to be brought back to life, will you try? I am right here waiting! That is all said in the silence of things left unspoken, but passed along through the eyes, by that throw away taking a step closer to you than before, looking at you in the eyes even for the briefest of moments, a coy smile or smirk, or even an all out fit or rage for no apparent reason. It all speaks the same language. It is the poetry that describes the sensitivity of the throw aways’ inner soul, the prose of their life and their raw thoughts and feelings
That is where the truth of who we are resides. That is where you find the core of what we are. Where all the skinned and bloody emotion, the reality of our private world dwells, and where the foundation of the walls of protection we build are formed. It is in the silence where we feel all those emotions that others wear on their sleeves. They are intense and strong, sensitive and natural. It is where all the sorrow resides beneath the anger and rage. It is from this place where we wish to be seen and heard, but are too afraid to poke our head out of the sand long enough to stand in the power of our emotions. So to break the muted tension we look at you and tell you we are fine, I’m OK. With that you move along your way never stopping to wonder if that is true.
It’s not that we want to lie to you; we have to lie to you. Even if we as throw aways’ have a mild level of trust with you and have allowed you to inhabit some small corner of our inner sanctum and we tell you the truth that we are not fine or OK, we are terrified of being physically touched in that very real and weak moment that our armor is failing us. Our skins is thick and sore to the touch our spirit bruised and aching, and as much as we silently plead for that compassionate, warm gentle touch we fear it more. In that instant we are at our most vulnerable point. Our trepidation is that if you get too close or reach in our soul too far and we will rupture. We fear we will begin cry and will never be able to stop, that our dejection will envelope us and we worry about you and what others think of us at the time, or if our emotional wash out is too much for you. Even in those moments we are still worried about you, taking care of everyone else but ourselves. The throw away is concerned our weakness will be exposed, our secrets revealed. What makes it worse is the terror when it’s over you will walk away from us and never look back. What will happen to us then? We go back to the trash heap we crawled out of. While all this is going through the throw aways’ mind and the silence is deafening we are also inaudibly beseeching you to do just that. Touch us, hug us, put your hand on our back or head let us know you are still there. Help us find a safe place to land to eradicate the overwhelming tide of emotion surging through us at that time. Be that safe place for us to fall if even for a second, tell us it will be OK, and that it is alright to let it flow because all the throw away hears in their head is this in not good, pull it back, pull it back, control control this is not good reign it in fast. I am weak here and am not able to defend myself; I am going to get hurt if I don’t stop right now! That voice gets louder and louder inside until we do regain composure. Look past our barricades and take the chance. Reach out to us; we need it at the time to know if we are still alive and breathing in that second. We can’t ask for it, the words will never surface for a throw away. We don’t feel worthy of any form of compassion. That kind of touch we shy away from because we don’t know what to do with it.
It's the silence that speaks louder than any of our tantrums or screaming rages ever will. All you see from those are the things we can't control anymore. Those paroxysms are never about anything substantial and often seem to be trivial or about something so insignificant to others they can't understand what the big deal is. To the throw away it is a huge deal. It allows them to blow off the stream or raw emotion without fearing giving up their secrets that could get them trouble. If we didn't do that we would look for other means of release and we are usually our own victims.
Those who try to talk to us throw aways after the incident we usually will say we don't know why we did it, or what we were feeling. That is true; we are not lying when we say that. We don't know. Those 'bad' feelings we carry over time become just there. Meaning they may still be there but indistinguishable from the others. They roll into one and no longer have names. We teach ourselves and have been taught by others that our feelings just like us as being humans do not matter. None of what is a part of us is worth knowing or understanding. That would take an effort on their part and energy expulsion. No one wants to spend that energy on throw away kids because they think it is wasted energy. So they don't invest in us on any level and we slip through yet another crack. We fall onto the next conveyer belt of the next person in the assembly line until we fall through the cracks or off the end of the belt altogether. No one looks back to even notice we are no longer there.
Our worth is tied up in how or when people need us for something. If they ask us to do something we are elated, and feel wanted at least for something. After all we throw aways' know from the moment of our conception we would not be wanted. We were born to serve, please and fulfill every desire man or woman kind may have. We don't have a voice in those decisions it becomes part of who we are. Across our foreheads is an invisible stamp that reads we are here for your pleasure all of your pleasures. Please feel free to take and do what you wish from us and don't worry about leaving anything behind for us to grow or learn from. Our lessons will be learned in the words you say to us, the way you treat us, and trash heap you throw us away in when you are finished with us. Proving the throw away kids hypothesis of their life is true. We are born to serve, please and fulfill all people’s needs no matter the cost to us. That is our purpose, that is the job we are here to take, and we know that for one reason or another it is the punishment we had coming or one we are taking to spare one of the 'good' innocent ones the misery and certain death. You can't kill the soul or spirit of a throw away kid when it has been taken and beaten down by those kids, those adults we should be able to trust, teachers, parents, so called best friends, strangers we meet along the way, or even by those we willingly gave our hearts to for love a long time ago. We do not see ourselves as victims at all. We see ourselves as saviors of sorts. The 'good and worthy ones' will never feel the touch of malice graze their virtuous countenance as long as there are throw away kids walking this planet. That is what society calls on the throw aways to do. They say to us in their silence protect the wholesome 'good' ones you discarded, loathed, not fit to be in our presence using our air throw away kid you.
Throw aways’ are saving all the 'good' ones from the torturous dreams that wake us screaming in the night and haunt us during the day. They will never know what it's like to weep from the unfathomably desolate caverns where the sound of silence is the only thing that reverberates off the walls from the abyss throw aways' call life. Those 'superior ones will never have an idea of what it feels like to lay on the cold damp floor of our private hell and scream with every ounce of our throw aways small bruised and broken body for help, begging and pleading for anyone that will listen PEASE HEAR ME, PLEASE SEE ME, I AM HERE I might be worth salvaging won't someone try? A throw away will never tell you but what we silently yearn for more than anything in that moment is a liberating hand to grab a hold of us and yank us to a safe place, protect us, put salve on the wounds and guard the ones you can't see until we are strong enough to stand on our own again.
They need us to be there when they must release pent up emotions, even if it means through violence, we will stand and accept it as our created destiny. It does not matter what form their need may take. We believe that we were born to gratify every whim and fancy, regardless of how evil and putrescent or harmful physically or emotionally their urge is. We will endure it all the while saying to ourselves this can't hurt me nothing can hurt something that is already gone. Let me break that down a little: Nothing can hurt us anymore then we have already been hurt in any form. We grow accustomed to what pain is and train ourselves not to feel it. For example if you have a cigarette snuffed out on your forearm the pain does not last long. It only hurts when the top epidermis layer and half way thru the second dermis layers are being burned, and even that the pain does not last long. Once you get past that halfway point and into the subcutaneous layer there is no more feeling. It is from this subcutaneous level that we live our life from. When we fulfill the needs of others willing or not we feel human, good for something wanted even if it's violent. It does not matter what form the need presents itself to us. In the throw-ways’ thought and emotional stand point it is a chance to acknowledge to ourselves that we do matter to someone. At least in that moment anyway.
We won't cry about it were you can see us. We will take it, keep our chin up and keep surviving. We will not let you know if we suffer, are wounded or injured in the least. That too is uttered in the hush of our voice but is palpable in the vacancy of our eyes and lack of spirit in our bodies. We will not let the normal average 'good' people know if we feel violated, desecrated, hurt scared. Why would we those are the same people that pass us everyday terrified to make eye contact and pretending to not even notice that we are even there. All that throw-away kids throbbing pain inside and out remains translucent. To a throw away kid it is during those times we have learned the definition of love, and what it is like to be wanted or worthy enough to stand in your presence. We feel validated and worthy that we are needed at all for anything even if it hurts us. That is what a throw away interprets as self worth.
To the throw away kind expressions or comforting gestures are foreign but that does not mean we don't crave them. It just means we don't know immediately what you want from us to deserve those kind and soothing things. We don't want you to give up trying to help us understand them but we need you to be patient with us as we try and find your true meaning behind them. We are always searching for the ulterior motive. So when there is none and they are genuine we struggle to grasp it. We try and figure out what we did to deserve it, what trouble did I get into to illicit this response. It is so out of whack for us we assume we did something wrong. At first sometimes if feels like we are being punished when the good soothing things are said or expressed. We need to see if you really mean it or if you are just trying to get something from us for you own satisfaction, and then try to figure out what you will take or do to us to achieve that. We won't give up trying to understand but we need you to keep trying with us.
Some will try to tell us that none of it is our fault. The majority tell us it is, we tell ourselves it is. It is the only way it makes sense to us. For those that tell us it is; these are the same people that are too afraid to share their oxygen because we might breathe too heavy and take something that 'good' ones will need or want. Oh it's OK to breathe but only in short shallow inhales and exhales, which they know will inevitably cause us to pass out and fall to the wayside. However, the majority must be right because their record is the loudest and most frequently repeated.
Those that tell us it is not our fault they don't have the volume to overtake the soundtrack that plays in our head. Their voices cannot be heard over the clamor and battle that rages inside when we hear that. If it is not our fault and we did not deserve everything than we are left with the question of why? Why did those things happen? Why us? Why just the throw aways? We do not like to entertain all the whys because it sounds like pity. We don't want pity; we don't need anyone feeling sorry for us. We need someone to speak louder through actions, but while not stopping the words to convey the message of no blame, guilt, shame or fault. We need someone to overtake the record and be willing to stick around long enough to help us rewrite a new track. We need you to have patience with us. This mindset may have taken just a few years or a few decades to settle in and we may know your message intellectually but that 12 inch drop from the head to the heart is a long one and the hardest to achieve. At times you will get frustrated with us and feel like we are just not getting it or listening to you. We are trying to understand why you believe what you do. At other times you will see the understanding in our eyes and the whys begin. To us the only thing that answers that question is because we asked or deserved it. That is when our silence may be seen on the outside through the eyes, even as they struggle to hold back the Niagara Falls of tears. It is in that moment where the hearer will understand all the things that have been unspoken by the throw aways' heart.
In those silent moments between the rage and being fine is where the child waits. It is from that position our hearts will speak the loudest. Where our truths as we know them lay. It is there where we keep our secrets our sadness, regrets, hopes and fears, it is there they reside. It is that place we try to keep as small as possible so there is not more room for anyone to steal or hurt us. We don't visit it often because we know we can't carry all of that on the surface and it is too hard to disguise.
We long for that safe person to reach in and touch it. To let us know that we are more than our experiences with life. That we are more that what others say about us in the hallways, behind closed doors, secret meetings, or whispers in the dark. That we are worth more than being a servant for others satisfaction or gratification. That we matter to someone. That we are not invisible to the rest of the world even if that is what we are trying to be. We need someone to help us feel safe.
Safe from all harm physical and emotional, safe to let our silence speak for us, safe that if you tap into our deepest emotions and learn all our secrets that we will not be judged for what we did or didn't do. Safe that we will not have to carry your guilt of not knowing soon enough or not doing enough, safe even though we know we are damaged goods and not worth the dirt you walk on that we will not look up and see that on your face. Safe that if tears roll down our face we will not get hurt or hit for it, safe that you will stop and think if this was my child what would I do.
Safe that we can trust you will help protect us once you hear our silence loud and clear. Protect us from all those that are so afraid we will taint the genetic pool of humanity with our kind of shame and diminish the resources for all those that so want to safeguard the 'good' of civilization.
Those that don't believe we will ever amount to anything will never know we are capable to loving deeper, seeing the world more vibrantly, caring for others to the point our heart bleeds, learning how to reprogram our thoughts to hear the spoken and unspoken but mostly understanding the silence of the other throw aways.
If only more people would be willing to be a champion, like my friend I had lunch with today, to a throw away kid by just being that brief rest stop on the highway of that child’s life, knowing they made more of an unspoken difference then they may ever know.
If only someone would take the time to listen to the silence of the throw aways..
It’s the silent if onlys that continue to echo in the throw-aways mind.
If you listen and want to hear our still silent voice you will hear.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Life can certainly be full of interesting turns of events at times.
When I was a kid I didn't dream of a future for myself. It seemed like a waste of time. I never thought I would have one and if I did it would not amount to anything anyway, so I just did not dream. Partly because when I did someone was always right behind me shattering them. It was better to not wish or dream so when things did not come true I would not know what I was missing. I was what is known as a 'throw away kid.' The ones that no one had any hope for or wanted, the ones that people never even really saw as human. We were simply useless vessels using up some of their precious O2.
We are the ones whose job it is to absorb all of the evil and bitterness in people so the 'good' people don't get jaded by the malevolence of human nature. It's like we get singled out before we are even born to be the ones to sacrifices at any and all costs. So we do, do we know better? Maybe. When we are young no we don't, we just continue to take it knowing nothing different. We pray to be seen by someone, ANYONE, but we always just get looked over or straight through. We do what we need to do to just survive anyway we can. In our own silent hell we can't figure out what we did wrong or what we need to do to be loved, accepted, or just be noticed for something other than what everyone sees on the outside. It never happens. We continue to just flicker in and out of sight. We hide in the shadows but scream in the dark.
They don't bother trying to educate us because God forbid we learn there might be something better out there. Oh no, of course not. They don't want us to take those positions that are deemed to have worth because that would be taking something away from all the 'good' people in the world. Why would anyone want a throw away kid right? No they want us to continue to soak it up and be the whipping posts, the violence takers and whatever else. After all we are good at it. We can take it; it does not hurt us anymore. If it happened to one of the 'good ones' it would shatter their world to a million pieces and who knows if they would come back from it. Us, we always do, maybe a little more numb, or separated from ourselves then before, but we come back.
I had a conversation the other day from someone from my past. She came into my life at that critical time where my hope was waning fast. She is someone that does not understand the throw away kid aspect of life. She has never experienced it. She is an idealist that wants to save all kids. She wants to be the intercessor in the lives of kids like I was. In our many conversations she has asked me what it was I needed or wanted at that time. She asked me again the other day.
I had the answer in my head but could not get it out of my mouth without bursting into tears. I wanted to be saved. To be rescued from my own private hell. I wanted someone to reach out their hand to me and tell me it would all be OK. I wanted and needed to feel worth that next breath of air or the space my little bruised body took up on this earth. All those people who said they wanted to take me home with them and make things right, I never showed it but I wanted them to do it. To help me salvage anything that was laudable. I wanted to be Peter Pan; I wanted to be taken to Never Never Land. Where all is good and nothing bad happened to us and our worst fear would be of Captain Hook and Smeety. Where we could fly by just thinking happy thoughts. Where every kid there are ones no one wants and that is what makes them all equal. Or be the kid Mary Poppins came to help. Where we could jump into a chalk picture on the sidewalk and run in a horse race with horses off a merry go round. Or go to a friend's house and laugh so hard you floated up to the ceiling and had to think of something sad to come back down, dancing and singing on roofs with chimney sweeps, or where going to fly a kite solved all that ailed a young soul. Those are the kind of wishes you only get once in a life time. I either used mine too soon or too late. I should have saved it for a couple of years later. It was then my light was snuffed out, almost permanently. I was really a loss cause after that.
Interestingly enough this person from my past she reading something's to me that was not pleasant to hear. Frankly I still think I only heard half of it. I know I did not get the emotional impact I was suppose to get from it I did try though, I was afraid to feel the words she was reading like I know I should have, that I know I need to so I can put it on the table and walk away from it and be able to share my story with anyone it will help. I did not even remember some of what she read. Oh I remembered the events but not the emotions. I took some Benadryl before hand to try and keep myself calm so I would not shake or what have you, (it worked she commented that I seemed so calm) I would not take my sunglasses off, and was more worried about her then I was myself, I was afraid of her reaction to it all. The worse part of it is that think I may actually need to hear it one more time for the full impact to resonate with me to hear the emotions that child wrote about the one that seems so far away from now. I guess it would have to be without shades or hair in the way. However, sometimes things are beyond being able to ask for twice. Even if you do the guilt of asking never goes away. You always feel guilty for asking anything like it's a burden. So you just don't ask again. For many there are dates or times of the year that are more difficult than others. Where the events of life leave you feeling raw and exposed and most vulnerable. It could be a month, or a day on a month that has substantial memories attached to them, anniversaries of sorts. Maybe this year it could be my release day? Ah who am kidding, don't ever be an inconvenience to someone by asking for something more than once. That is the limit. So I blew that one too. So I won't be asking for that help again. Over and done with right? If you miss the opportunity the first time don't expect or ask for it to come around again. At least that is what I was taught.
See that is the mentality that never goes away no matter how old we 'throw away kids' get. We feel guilt if we involve anyone in our worlds. In the murk and mire or even joys and successes of it, even if it is to maybe help provide knowledge to those that might be able to change things for other 'throw aways.' That guilt never goes away. We always feel like we are a perpetual burden on everyone around us. We do our best to smile and just say everything is fine. Let me define what FINE means in the mind of throw away's. FINE = we are handling it. Don't get too close or I'll break, if I smile and say it enough maybe they will even believe that there is nothing wrong with us. It means we are screaming so loud inside and are shocked no one on the outside can't hear it. It's a way of saying things are a mess but we can't tell you or we will get in trouble, it means look deeper please don't give up. It means hug us, tell us we will be fine, don't let our defenses stop you if we crumble just don't tell anyone or think worse of us for it. However, we also know that is exactly what happens. They hear fine and assume it is true. So they walk away satisfied feeling like they had performed their duty of charity at least asking a question to the throw away. They are grateful as they walk away that part of their day is over, now they can focus on those kids who are not a waste of oxygen.
Eventually we throw aways grow up and become adults. Sometimes we turn out OK other times we don't. Even if we do we never lose that mentality of the world taking everything they can from us and giving nothing in return. My motto has always been if I lived off of other peoples love I would have been dead by 5 years old. You do what you need to do for yourself. That has its own issue because then people think you are selfish, when the opposite is true. I don't know what it would take to overcome that mentality but I know have tried and will continue to do so. I don't give up easy. It just gets tiring when around every corner is a reminder of just how worthless we really are. That 'throw away' status is a hard one to shake.
I remember reading a scientific study once that said that infants and children can actually die from lack of human touch and affection, that their brain actually stops growing. I think I was in middle school at the time. I remember thinking that can't be true because I was alive. My brain had not shrunk. Then I realized it did not only say affection. It just said human touch and stimulation. Well, being that it did not define the kind of touch, I figured my brain must be huge. I got touched all the time. Violence is touch, slapping, hitting that is all touching. I could not figure out why my brain was not getting so big it would blow apart my skull. Irrational thoughts from a kid.
When we get thrown back into roles we held as a child, where the responsibility is ours to shoulder. Where we are the caretakers of everyone else's emotions of physical well being, we step up to take it when no one else does. We do what we do not as martyrs but as the sacrifices we were ordained to be. The ironic thing is we love harder and deeper than most ever will. Even those that hurt us we don't give up hearing those words. When they need us for something that is where we find our worth. What most don't know is how lonely this actually is. People think it is so noble to take care of someone older. Noble? I am not sure about, it's lonely and isolating. We do it because we have to. Because we love the people we care for at all costs no matter what they have done or continue to do to us. Why we still love… Maybe because we have to. Like we feel that if we stop loving them that it will permanently close the door for the return to come our way. Like we have that power in our hands to make them love us. Even though we know it is a futile adventure.
Even if after you serve what is wanted for dinner and get it thrown in your face. Even if after your best friend betrays you on such a level that forgiveness can't get past the deep sting of infidelity of spilled secrets and the old record of pain that continuously plays in our head. That friend that has always been our sanctuary in times of tribulation, that place where tears are OK, feelings are understood and comfort is given. Where a hug or being held by that friend as you weep is not seen as threatening to the one shedding the tears. The one that tells you it will be ok soon enough. The one that you don't feel like a needy, clingy freak around when you need to talk. When that confidence in the friendship is broken it should not come as a surprise but it always does. All you can do is ask yourself what you did wrong for that to happen. You want to apologize to the person even if you did nothing wrong just to get back what you had; but you don't because you can't bow to it again.
That is when you look around to try and take a new inventory and realize that once again you are totally on your own. Even at this point in life it is second nature. However, you try not to allow yourself to fall into those old thought patterns of not shutting everyone out, and our trying to make new friends and let them into what pains our heart, but when you go up to the roof and get a glimpse at the big picture what you see is a dry and barren land where there is no oasis in sight, no trees to offer shade from the storms, or arms to hold you to tell you that things will be OK again.
So you polish the tears from your blurry eyes, clean up the tomato sauce mess, go back and make something else and hope that this one won't illicit the same response as before. You try not to feel all those things that the words and phrases of 'how can you be so stupid' when will you ever learn' you have always been a screw up' when will you ever do anything right' bring up from old. You try not to hear them and if you do you try and steel yourself to not feel the burning hot knife that just cut you apart from stem to sternum and left you bleeding inside. You try not to let them get to you, but get to you they do. Yet, we continue to try to love, give and lay ourselves out for anyone and everyone to persist in walking all over you but when asked your response it is always fine, that is what is safe.
You put your head down on the pillow and cry a little harder and relive the emotions and thoughts of the little child inside you that had to grow up so fast she never had a childhood to even speak of. The one with the wishes I could not express to my friend the other day when she asked me what I wanted or needed then. That I wanted to be saved. To be rescued from my own private hell. I wanted someone to reach out their hand to me and tell me it would all be OK. I wanted and needed to feel worth that next breath of air or the space my little bruised body took up on this earth.
Yet, now as an adult you realize just how stupid it is to even think that much less want or need it.
And still…. We continue to love even the ones who hurt us in hopes of someone making the trip to Never Never Land or popping through that chalk picture on the sidewalk and rescuing us from the throw aways. You learn that hope does not spring eternal, and friendships are conditional and superficial and never meant to be two ways streets.
So we stop crying because it does nothing to help.
This is the voice of throw away kids. Monotone, numb, scared, fearless, lonely, and searching for that person to start the rescue mission they can only convey through their eyes.
Oh well, more rabbit tale wonderings.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I continue to hear and read a great deal about the public library not living up to community standards. My question is what are they? No one has addressed this. WBCFSL say they have their own opinion of those community standards. West Bend Parents For Free Speech, also have their idea of community standards. Then there are those that fall somewhere in the middle. So my question is who is going to determine what those standards are that are to reflect the ideology of the ENTRE city? A Christian and an Atheist? A Heterosexual and a homosexual? The city council and the library board? The CCLU and the ACLU? Who? Who is going to fund the research? It really should be up to each individual household to decide what their standards are for their family. Not one group deciding for everyone.
I want to add one final thought. Mrs. Maziarka is not a resident of the city of West Bend. She lives in the township. So while our city tax dollars go to fund this fiasco and we have our pockets tapped, she will not have to pay a dime or shoulder any of the responsibility for it fiscally. When she focused on the harassment policy with the schools last year it was the district’s budget that got tapped because they had to hire an attorney to represent them. It’s our kids that have that much less in the budget for them. She has made comments on her blog the school district is next line for an assault on their libraries. Again it is the children that will pay. When do we all as CITY residents finally scream STOP?
Let me start. STOP!!