Monday, November 16, 2009

Now is the time

It is in times like this where we find out who are real friends are.During the times we have nothing tangible to give to others just our heart and our friendship. When we are along and bored and people know how to reach you and the avenues of communucation now a days are wide open and yet the phone stays silent, and the E box just collects junk.

It becomes apparent during these times that if you are the only one making an effort to stay in touch with people maybe those people do not deserve to be called friends. I am expempting those certain individuals who told me ahead of time what their plans were. Too many others just are too caught up in their own stuff and frankly selfish when it comes to who they call friends.

This who thing just exas erbates things. I din't get a formal invite to my best friends little girls 5 b-day party because she was not sure if I would be feeling up to it. I just told her ya won't know until you try. She eventually invite me when asking about some pictures I needed to get to them. I don't have the plauge, I have breast cancer. Which is being treated accordingly. I cannot give it to anyone and I don't need to be avoided just in case. I am still me. Goofy, funny. opinionated, sarcastic, over thinking individualI have always been. I just think others are afraid when they hear someone has the big C and they don't know what to say. I say talk to me like you always have. If I am not feeling well enough to attend the party I will let ya know. Just don't treat me different. Many people I have called friends have fallen to the wayside since I told them.

During times like I a have where at times I can get depressed becaue I am so tired much of the time, and I am bored just laying around here. I would hope htat my friends would remember that when they ned someone to be a friend or be with them I am always the first person they call and I will do whatI can to get there no matter the distance.

Maybe I need to create a new gauge for friendship. I don't want to be a friend of conveinence or only if they need something. I want o have my phone ring from time to time and just hear a friendly voice on the other end say I just called to say hi what's up with you lately? I don't want to be the constant instigator of those calls and Emails.

This experience the last few days have beenenlightening to say the least. If you want brutal honestly right now I am crying (which I never do) but I am because I finally see the big picture of who my friends are and are not. It saddens me. I'm lonely and people seems so afraid to be around me like they can catch it. I don't understand it but it is what it is.

I do understand people have bus y lives with work, school, family etc. But it does not take but a few minutes to punch an Email out,or place a phone call. I don't know maybe it's my frame of mind and being bummed out tonight but it just seems like it would be easier to go back to what I know for sure years ago. IF I am going to survive and thrive thatI need to pull everything I need frommyself and never reply on anyone one else ever. Friends are good but acquaintances are sometimes better. With friendships there becomes a certain trust and healthy dependence on. The best analogy I can think of right now as I amfalling asleep typing is imagine a 2 lane raod but 1 lane stops 1/4 of the way. Now I am in the lane that goes all the way to the end and sopme of my so called friends are at that end coming towards me, but the road ends before we even get to the half way point. And they can't figure out anyother was to reach at least that half way mark. If it were me i would get out and walk it, or go off road to ge there. I am a very loyal friend and will do whatI have to to get to my friends if they need something. Just as my friend in So Cali. she neded me and in less then 12 hours of hanging up the phone with her I was on a plane and not only that had landed in San Diego , rented a car and was at her hours. This was 12 hours after she said she needed me and I knew she was in bad shape. I am not asking for anythign drastic like that but I have had 1 phone call and that was tonight and one text. It's lonely, but it is a good thing I am used to feeling that way at many different tmes in my life. It is a familiar feeling to me. I can cope with it. I guess I just thought that I was finally past that and hadsome great friends. Guess that whole thought needs to be reexamined. Maybe I just need to pull back from everyone. It would save me the tears that are falling now, and sorrow in my heart.

Oh well that is life, or at least mine. I don't have he same energy to be the one to always make the contact first. So my guess is even more will fall to the weigh side. I don't ant them too but thatis up to them. whatever, I am fine. Always have been always will be!

Please forgive any spelling errors I am more than half a sleep writing this. Don't feel like running a spell check.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Crazy Dreams

OK it is 3 AM and once again, I am waking from yet another strange dream. I have to tell ya I have had a lot of them lately. I don't know if it is the medication. I think it may be part of it but as far back as I can remember I had very strange active dreams and nightmares, and when I was young night terrors. So anomalous dreams are not out of the ordinary.

Now let me regress.. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that every time I would wake up and go back to sleep it would pick back up where it left off. That one involved some people I had recent contact and some I have and never would even know. I was leaving a building at a university with a friend of mine that was with a professor and me. Along with us, other students were in the class were leaving the building at the same time. Upon walking out of the building there was a group of what looked like terrorists opening fire on everyone. Let me clarify this was only a dream and did not happen in real life. Therefore, in the dream some of the students were able to runaway. The rest of us were told to sit on the ground and not move. So the 3 of us that walked out of the building together began trying to negotiate with these people because by this point, the police had arrived and those holding us hostage had demands they wanted met. So we were trying to keep talking to them and going through all the motions of our combined training in working with difficult people or situations. I than woke up.

When I fell back to sleep it continued where it left off. Except this time enters the white dog Kiki that I fostered last winter and have again this winter. With her owners, she is a little escape artist and gets out frequently. With me, she can't get out because I have a fence in my back yard. However, in my dream she was running around and barking and chortling which sounds like singing or talking kind of. Anyway, no one was shot and after I woke up for the last time I thought wow OK that was weird. I will say I think I do understand the meaning a correlation of it. Recently I had done a presentation for a class with a friend at a university and was talking about my life and different things that had occurred during my life. My dream was representative of my fears of the repercussions of sharing such personal information with strangers.

So tonight, I wake up after another crazy dream. In this one, I was floating above myself not flying just floating, and I was not dead. It was as if I was just kind of checking things out. I remember I was feeling lonely and was trying to see what everyone else was doing that was so important. Everyone I saw was busy with all of their responsibilities, work, family, children, and all their other responsibilities. So wrapped up in their own lives that they could not see beyond what was right in front of them. Alternatively, they were afraid of all the unknowns so they stay inside the safety of their own bubble. I understand that there are certain aspects of my life in which I do the same. I know the demands society places on people. However, while I was floating around I saw so much more. The selfishness of people, and the humility of others. The self-lessness of some and those that thought they were owed everything from others. I remember in my dream asking myself why I feel so much compassion for everyone and seem to be looked over by many others. I felt like I did not matter to anyone and was there taking up precious air that could be used for more worthy endeavors. It was a very lonely feeling, isolated. Like I was the only one that was keeping in contact with my friends by making the first move by calling or E'ing Very few of my friends initiate it with me first. That sometimes makes me wonder if they are really my friend, especially if it a one sided give and take that was all giving from me. Not all are life that but a majority of the times it is. I hate the loneliness and boredom.

Then as the dream progressed, I was hovering over myself and started seeing myself at all different ages. At those ages, I seeing all the other strange dreams I would have at those ages. Some were reoccurring like my Charlie friend that I would in my dream of course find in a closet in the basement and as soon as I walked in the closet mutated into a huge jungle rain forest. There we would play and climb on trees and play with all the other animal friends in the jungle. You see Charlie was a monkey. Yes, I said monkey. I had that dream a lot as a kid. In addition, tonight I saw it again in my dream but it was like a dream in a dream. I know this sounds crazy but it was what I was dreaming.

Then once again, there were terrorists firing at me and only me this time. There were others that I knew that were watching this and laughing at me as I was trying to dodge the bullets. I knew they were real bullets and they were laughing. Some of them my friends. Than just as I saw one coming that I could not get away from I woke up with a start.

In trying to figure out what this one meant I think part of it was because every now and then I think of people I call friends and the call me friend but it seems like the only times I hear from them they need something from me or whatever. I sometimes question if they are friends if I am the only one instigating and keep the friendship going by being the ones that calls or Emails.

I also think that part of it is I trying to recapture the good things from when I was a kid, and my Charlie dream is a sweet comforting memory. Maybe that part was telling me that I need comfort right now. Friends that are supportive of some serious health things going on with me and feel like it is just me against the world and this health issue. That I have to do it alone as I have with every other thing in my life. I need that support and sometimes just an escape from it for a little bit of time. To just have fun with someone where the health issues are not the entire conversation point. Just fun, to laugh with others, talk with others or whatever.

I will be really honest and expose my emotions here and I am not real good or comfortable with doing it but I am feeling it right now. There are times since I have been going through this I just get so discouraged and wish I could talk to someone who would encourage me. Friends… We all need them. I start balling because sometimes that is all I can do. On the other hand I feel like I am imposing on my friends and don't want to burden them with my feelings. My friends know me as an upbeat happy person who is willing to go to any lengths to help my friends. Sometimes I just get discouraged when I am in a place where I feel like I need a friend to do for me what I do for them.

As far as the part where I was being shot at, at one point I could tell that one of the shooters was me. Now here again let me just clarify I am not feeling like I want to harm myself in any way. Nothing even close to that. Maybe I was trying to be shot so I could feel alive or maybe it was my trying to kill those horrible parts of my childhood. Alternatively, maybe it was even me punishing myself for opening myself up to strangers so completely, and was feeling vulnerable about it. I don't know but that lonely feeling never left during the entire dream. Another possibility is I was trying to kill this issue with my health in me.

I don't know any ideas. I am open to them.

I did write this at 3 AM but fell asleep before I got it posted so the tme stamp is 7 something AM.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

If Only

I'm not feeling very well tonight so I am going to post what has been swirling around in my head the last few days. I have had a lot of retrospective thoughts. I guess that's normal. I've just been kinda depressed lately and I'm not really sure why. I don't know if it's because I have been so tired or because if I'm battle scared and war weary. Maybe it's because I am getting ready to start another round of treatment once I find out if the docs want to do another round of outpatiet external radiation or if they are going to try the inpatient 5 day internal round. I'm not sure why I have been bummed I just am. I am tired of being tired! Having to care for an aging parent who's needs seem to increase monthly, daily at times does not lessen the level of exhaustion. Ah well, whatever, I'm fine. It does kind of explain my posting tonight. So, let the blog commence....

How many times in our lives do we look back at things and think of all the if onlys? If only I had been stronger. If only I would have been smarter. If only I had been or done this or that. I am guilty, as I tend to think about these things from time to time. OK OK I do it more than from time to time. I do it all the time. Not only do I think about it, I apply it. I believe it. I take all of those if onlys into my psyche and apply them to my life and different events. It’s easier to blame one’s self that try to surrender to the thought that someone else holds the guilt. To affix culpability to someone else and expect him or her to accept it is beyond comprehension. For some to garner an understanding someone needs to take that responsibility. It’s easier to forgive others before one’s self even if others think that person in that instance has nothing to forgive themselves for. I am not saying that this is something that all will understand but it is a mindset many subscribe to.

I don’t know why I thought about this right now. Oh well. I guess my point is if for every if only we may hold in our mind we could also ask the proverbial what if as well. However, that too is an open-ended question. Both are questions that do not have any solid answers for. Yet for many they will search their entire lives for the answers.

So the real question becomes how much energy and time will one devote in the search during their lifetime. This also leads to another question. What if one had been stronger, smarter, faster etc., how would that have altered everything that would come after? I have been asked in the past if I could change anything or event in my life would I? Sounds like a what if type of question to me.I have always answered no because the entire compilation of events has shaped me into who I am today. My values, the social justice fights I choose, my compassion, and everything else. Included I suppose it would be accurate to say that because of some of these things they have made me bitter to certain things, hardened me to other things, more alert or a hypersensitivity to thing. With the good comes the bad.

Therefore, it is a matter of choice what to take with you as time goes by. Yes, good and evil go hand in hand and has from the point of creation but we still have opportunities along our way in life to make a decision what we want to carry with us. If we do leave something behind, or as a modern society would say dealt with and moved on that space would need to be filled with something. Something would inevitably replace it. I think that anything we carry with us can be a weight. We always hear that carrying negative things or baggage with us all the time causes us to be weighed down and heavy. The analogy that negative baggage weighs us down. Yet, no one talks about how even the good baggage can be weighty. Thus wouldn’t everything we experience and have imprints of either physically, emotionally, mentally or otherwise, good bad and indifferent have weight? Don’t all things we encounter provide us with a gage on how we handle similar situations in the future?

For example, I do not like to have my back to a door especially in public. Even my bed faces the door in the basement. The interior door that leads to the playroom, work area and laundry room is directly to my left and visible via peripheral vision. The door to the freezer room and bathroom is to my right and also in my peripheral vision. I know why I position myself the way I do it’s not important to go into it here. Is it a weight or just simple self-preservation? Or is it a lasting reaction to past events? If it’s the later, couldn’t it also be a good thing? No one can sneak up on me, and I always see what is coming my way.

So here is a question for you to answer. It would be interesting to see what those of you who read my blog think. Question: Are all experiences good and bad, anything that creates a memory of any kind, is it a weight you carry with you in all you do now or are just the bad things the weights? Can the good things or memories become weighty after time as well? Do the good things create a sort of expectation that everything similar to that must live up to? What do you think? Would you change anything in your lifes history? If so would you do so even knowing that it may alter who you are today or even physical cirrcumstances? What if the one thing you would change would alter history just enough that you would never meet your spouse or even have the children you do? Would you still do it even if everything you love now would be either shared with someone else or you may not have at all? Would you still change even the smallest of things?

OK that is my rabbit trail from my way to cerebral at times brain. If only I didn’t think so much or so hard. On the other hand what if I didn’t? What characteristic would replace that trait? Sorry, I just had to add that.