Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Arguments disagreements whatever you call them...

I have a very good friend. We have been friends for around 15 years. We know things about each other that others do not. We had an argument for 3 day or so until today. Today it's over, and I really believe that together our bond became close.
We were both hurt and expressed it in Emails to each other. However, some of my other friends I may not have felt comfortable enough to express my emotions to them. Her, Lets call her EM. It was really the first "fight" we have ever had on that level. Sure we have had issues along the way but never like this. We are very much alike although in some areas we are so alike it is like a single lightening strike sparking a massive wildfire.
I did not love her any less because of this last incident even in the heat of things. I don't ever see her not being apart of my like. We bring out the best in each other.
However, the wildfire got lite. it spread rampantly and destroyed hundreds of miles of vegetation. But the one thing about wildfires and hard as they are to go through (I know I had to evacuate my house several times in Southern Cali due to them) the devastation they leave behind of lost homes and belongings, all the trees, bushes and basic ground cover, and yes the mud slides that can happen after that during the rainy season. mud slides happen after wildfires because there is no longer anything to slow them down like trees or bushes and such.So the water has a clean path to run rampant. All of the vegetation that gets lost in the fires is actually a good thing. True fact. When those canyons and all areas begin to grow back it really is out with the old and in with the new. It is but one way that mother natures uses to cleanse the landscape and make it better.
That is what happened between EM and I. The issues were cleansed and we can grow together as friends even farther. There may be a few metaphoric mud slides in our future but we will get through those too.
So EM (you know who you are) if you are reading this that is one of your positive thoughts for you day. The past few days have actually been good. the fire just got really hot for a bit.
After all was said and done it was really hard to go through it but we are better for it. Love you EM!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

One way

Oh man, too funny. I saw a story on my local news this morning. A man is going to trial because this summer he got angry because his lawn mover would not start. So he decided to remedy the situation his own way. He went into the house got a sawed off shot gun (which are illegal to begin with.) and proceeded to shoot his mower. He was charged with disorderly conduct and possession of a sawed-off shotgun. If convicted he faces a maximum sentence of 6 ½ years. OK, now I think this is so absurdly funny. I'm thinking I'm glad that God and most of humanity does not dole out the same measures of consequence when we don't do something right or start up the very second we should.
I mean what happens if you are just having a bad day or more tired than normal and just want to sleep in? Someone is going to get mad a pop a cap in ya? I'm telling you just be glad we don't get disciplined in the same way.
That's something to be grateful for. If we did no one would live past 2 years. Human life would have been extinct at the very beginning of it.
Than again, for some people would it be all that bad?
Just kidding.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I got to thinking today about community. Many people if you ask them what community means they will say the town they live it. Which it is, in part. My generation thinks in those broad terms. After all we are the gen x'ers. The generation that is said to be the most selfish, closed off, not willing to help anyone and everything is theirs. It is my generation that launched millionaires by age 20 and then lost it all years later in what is now dubbed "The dot.comers". Those massive internet companies that grew from someones basement and one computer to massive corporate companies. Sure they earned a lot of money but many of them were also broke 10 - 15 years later.
I don't think I fit in that group. I really enjoy community service. All my education and jobs all hold that basic principal. I mean think about it taking a woman from a predominantly white small midwestern town, to Southern California to work with boys ages 13 - 19 many of which came out of juvenile or adult correctional facility and placed in a group home until they age out of the system at 18. Yeah, that's a good fit right? Most would say no, but I did it and did so with all my heart, and was successful. I did not see color of skin as an issue, or economic class of neighborhood they came from. I saw them as kids that needed something I was there to give it.
I will also say that the moment I would meet them I would let him know that he and I have no past. Here, right now is a fresh start to the rest of their lives to make it work for them or against them, but as they stood there in that moment everything was wiped clean.
Even after moving back to this small midwestern town after almost 8 year but 2 1/2 months before my dad died and now I care for my mother I still find ways to contribute what I can. I myself blew through my own savings in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I found new and creative ways to raise large amounts of money to not only fund the gas, trailer rental, and other money that was delivered directly to the church we partnered up with in New Orleans proper. I continued to do it against all odds for about 2 years or so after. What a blessing and a lesson all at the same time.
Now if I am going on a relief aid trip whether it be to the western part of my own state WI during the flooding in June that also caused Lake Delton to empty completely out into the river or whatever I go with my motto Please do not call me a hero or even deserving of the thanks the hero's in all of these trips is ALWAYS the people that make it come to fruition. I am just simply the driver. I may coordinate, gather donation, get publicity with trip info a donation spot drop off, and do presentation through films I have put together on the computer or power point with photos, but in the end I really am just the person taking thing from point A to point B. The lime light is for those who gave either time, man power if there were heavy items, and the supplies being collected at the time for that run.
However, I say that to people when I hear comments and they don't believe I really believe that. But I do. I am here on this planet to be of service to others.
Now when I am not up to full par trying to rehab after a rotator cuff surgery on my left shoulder, I looked out of my front windows yesterday morning at the 12 inches of snow that had fallen and tried to figure out how I was going to shovel it when it's too heavy right now and would put me in the position of possible re injuring it again. Oh great I thought to myself. How the heck am I going to do this one. I finally decided I wouldn't do it. My truck has driven through 3 feet of water and barreled through 3 - 3 1/2 feet of snow drifts or piles of slush, snow and ice the plow dumps at the end of our driveway so I figured no worries. I went back downstairs and was watching the morning news reports about the snow when I heard some rumbling on my driveway and footsteps on the front porch. It's too early for mail and too late for the paper, and the doorbell never rang. I go up to find not one but two people with snow blowers clearing the walks and driveway and one more shoveling the front porch, and someone had already cleared it off my truck in the driveway.
Now I will be honest, my first reaction was what the h e double toothpicks are these people doing here they are in the same mess as me except I have a 4 wheel drive Chevy Tahoe and they only have cars. I know this because one of the blowers was our neighbor next to use down the hill the other was from across the street and the shoveler was from our neighbor next to us up the hill. So I laughed and just said to myself God always sends us what we need right when we need it. Last winter if they got to it before I did I would make a huge batch of chili and give those families a nice home cooked hot meal they did not have to do anything for but sit down with the family.
So since I had no current plans to make chili I quickly baked 3 dozen cookies and gave those away.
Now, that is community. People helping others without expectation of compensation. After all Jesus was a carpenter by trade. He went all over and helped anyone who asked for it. He never expected anything monetarily or possessions. All he asked was to love, serve and follow him. And when you do you just may get a pleasant surprise of having your driveway snow blowed.
I guess what I am saying is that it does not take money or things to help others sometimes just giving your time or sharing what ever gift God has given you is all that is required. He will take care of the rest. Yes, it can be that simple if you are willing to step out into the great unknown. Give it a try. You will be amazed at what you really can do. Come on along with me. Life really is the greatest adventure. Come on lets go.......
Oh I don't know if this even makes sense just another tale from the rabbit trail. I am tired and going to go to bed. This is what happens to your brain when your tired.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

To choose or not to choose That is the question!

I think that we are able to choose our emotions to either let them work for us or against us. We choose to live in the light or dark. If you allow anger or the like to govern how we act than does the situation control us? Simply, yes!

Take the example it's 6:00 AM the alarm goes off. You are irritated because you could not fall asleep until 2:30 AM. So you have only really gotten 3 hours of good sleep. If every 3 hours is considered a REM cycle you would have been better to stay up the extra 1/2 hour and gone to sleep at 3 AM. That little extra 1/2 hour actually made you more tired. So you are really tired. You stumble to the kitchen get some coffee. All of a sudden things look just a little better.

You go with your coffee to wake up oh lets say 3 kids. Ages 2, 6, 8. You first go the first room and wake up the 8 year old Tommy. He's cranky because you had to yell at him 4 times to wake him up and get moving. The 6 year old Timmy is next. You go to his room but he is now awake because Tommy's and your yelling woke him up.

So lets catch up. You are angry, your oldest is cranky because you woke him up by yelling and your middle is mad because you and his brother woke him up. Your doing good. You have 3 angry people to contend with.

The 2 year old is up and screaming in her crib because she is hungry. Your spouse hears all of this even though he had to work a 3rd shift and just got home and to sleep. WOW well done. You have succeeded to either anger or frustrate all 5 of you.

However, while you are just thankful everyone that needed to get up did and off to work, school, or day care you go. Your spouse goes back to sleep. You get to work and a few hours later the boss finds out you were 1/2 late and reprimands you. Your desk phone rings. Your oldest and middle sons got into a fight on the play ground at school. They are suspended for 3 days. Phew, you sigh well a least the youngest is OK. Phone rings again it's the day care calling because she is projectile vomiting.You go to your already mad at you boss for being late. You explain the situation and ask if you can leave early to get the kids picked up and go home for the day. He says sure but stop by the personal office on the way out go get your check and don't come back you fired!

 WOW, you are fuming now. The entire world is conspiring against you today and everyone around you is in bad moods right? You are just an innocent bystander and victim of everyone else's bad day? WRONG!

You go to pick up the kids get them all loaded up in he back set. All are yelling and fighting, the baby is sick. You are yelling back to them KNOCK IT OFF! You get pulled over for speeding. You get a ticket with a fine and a mandatory court appearance. You get home, kids rush out and by the time you get in with the baby the boys have woke up your spouse again! Now everyone is screaming the police are called by a neighbor for a domestic call. You are arrested and taken to the precinct.

Now, you are standing in a cell but you think, WOW I will get a good nights sleep tonight. No screaming kids, or angry spouse. You settle in for a good nights sleep. However, you can't sleep worrying all night if you will have to serve a year of "good" nights of sleep in the County jail.

You explain all this to the judge the next day. He asks you to think back to what started it. "Well your honor, I was angry at the alarm clock for doing it's job, and go through it all again.
Verdict is read you are released but must attend court appointed anger management classes and submit the completion certificate to the court.

All of this because you chose to allow your anger to control you. Well done.

That my friends is a Tale from the rabbit trail. However, the point is well made. Emotions are just another act of how humans mess up free will. Sometimes it takes a full circle to make the point and a little humor along the way is always a good thing.

So as Bette Midler says in the song Glory of Love:
"This is a song I've been singing for a long time. It's like an old friend. But, you know, I think it, it's only recently that I discovered what it's really about. "You've got to give a little, take a little,and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,until the clouds roll by a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us,we've got the world and all it's charms . And when the world is through with us, we've got each other's arms. You've got to win a little, lose a little,yes, and always have the blues a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. That's the story of, that's the glory of love

Amen and good night! Or morning now I guess. Yes, I could not sleep OK.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Endures all

Love endures all. We understand it from the grammatical aspect and even the presumed definition that it last forever. Well in the simplest form that is true. What we fail to realize is that love endures through rage, anger, disappointment, grief, all the good times and even the most extreme bad times. Think about it. If you are a parent and your child goes astray or off course to the point your heart breaks, or your are so disappointed or angry, while you may not like the behavior or removal from the home to a place were your child can receive help. However, you always love them but not the behavior.
Well, God does that with us. He loves us through good and bad no matter what. If we ask for forgiveness He is willing to accept it. More importantly, He throws it as far from the East and West as possible, and forgets it. He does not hold grudges like we humans do.
So ideally we are called to do the same. But since were not God we don't do the forgiveness thing as easily as He does. Sometimes we hold on to our anger with both fists clenched tight just so we can find the fuel to go on another day. Eventually lightening strikes us (not physically) and on some level we begin to understand the principal of forgiveness. Which in turn leads us down the path of love.
So no matter what we feel about someone or some circumstances while it is going on or all said and done love endures all.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Love Concurs All

OK folk, this is a revelation I had today. It is a basic principal that we a humans tend to forget.
Some of you know I have been having issues with my older sister. I was thinking about that today when I was in the truck. I finally got it.
The Scripture "Love concurs all" does not mean that circumstances will change, or people will change. What it means is love concurs everything. Our anger, our frustration or grief. What it means is if we choose to love even in difficult circumstance we are doing what the Lord wants us to do. If we choose to love then we are resting in God's arms.
I know for me, my personality is to jump to anger, frustration or hurt. I spend so much energy in those places and any time I get to that sweep spot of Gods love I freak and go the opposite direction. It's out of my comfort zone. But today it was like an overwhelming sence of peace that waved over me. If love is the greatest gift than I believe that during this brief period that we are on this earth is to learn this basic concept. We enter into the world in pure love and I believe we leave it in the same fashion. Which at that point we spend eternity in ultimate love.
We make this precept so diffuicult to learn, and try to find deeper meaning behind it that we miss the actual meaning.
Love concurs all mean that it concurs all those "bad" feelings we hold ourself. Once we embrace the meaning it changes us. Not anyone around us or circumtance. It just changes the way we see things.
This is a longer thoughts process that I encapulated.
God love us. All of us. As we get older we forget that God shows us in small ways everyday He loves us. Simple things. A snowflake landing on your tongue, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, hearing children laugh, or laughing and goofing around with friends to the point that you get a headache. I honestly believe that that we try to find deeper meaning in things in Scripture when in actuality it is simple.
He loves us and shows us this everyday.
I may expand this at a later date but right now this is all I can do.

Monday, November 3, 2008

And there it was!

I was watching a special on PBS tonight when I could not sleep. It was called America at the Crossroads. This episode was according to the description "Dissonance and Harmony" Arabic Music Goes West" A documentation of the challenges presented in life after 9/11. This group of people from America, one that grew up in Cairo Egypt because his father worked for the American embassy, they went to different countries in the middle east, Egypt, Baghdad, Lebanon, Jordan etc. to find musicians that were willing to come to America and collaborate with American musicians and develop a song about what life is like in their country. Then it was said! "In the middle east you cannot dream about the future because no one knows what it will be." That saddened me. These people have not killed anyone nor have they done any harm to the Americans or coalition forces. These musicians want to make a change in the world and the perspective that Americans have of that part of the world. They are rebels. We in this country think that all middle easterners are out to get us and we must kill them or be killed by them. When that is so far from the truth. Sure there are extremists in every country. Look in the mirror! We had Timothy Mcvay who blow up the Federal building in OK City, or the kids at Columbine high school that killed all those innocent kids and adult! They were home grown terrorist! After watching this documentary I realized what I always believed to be true. These musicians that came here from the middle east are mostly young adults. They want to change the world and let Americans know that not everyone there are bad. They are the ones that are going to change the climate of the world. Help us understand that they are not all bad, and let us know that there are people there that want to change our perspective of that part of the world.

One man said that during Saddam's reign he was banned from television and threatened with death. After Saddam he was then able to share his music again. It's beautiful. All of the artists music conveyed a message to the American people that they too are human and want peace and harmony too.

Our country has a trend of automatically judging people from the middle east as evil and out to get us, but these young people are not. We need not to be so quick to formulate judgments against them, and be willing to be open to new thoughts about them. They want to live a life of peace, harmony, and freedom just like us but in their own country.

When I hear them speak of not being able to dream about the future it touches my heart. Do they not deserve the chance to have a future? To dream? To be free? To love God the way we do? Yes! they absolutely do!!

I am sure I will get back lash from this but it is US that have no right to storm into their country and tell then how to run their government. To occupy their land.

Let me be clear I do think we have justification to be in Afghanistan but NOT Iraq. ( ducking all the things being thrown at me for that statement.) That is MY opinion and I live in a country that allows that and will not torture or kill me for speaking it. I love my country and am grateful to live here it is just the fist we hail at others for not doing it OUR way is wrong.

EVERYONE deserves the chance to dream of their future and the possibilities it holds for them. Tolerance is what we need to teach our children. Not to tolerate hate but to tolerate differences in other humans. The young adults in the middle east will be the ones to bring about the change that is needed there. Just like the young adults here in our own country will be the power house of change we need. I am not talking about just the elections I am talking about the years to come as they come into their own. Not all middle Eastern people are bad. Actually many are great people that want a different life. However, the news only reports on the "bad guys". What about the good things there?
I commend these musicians for going against the grain in their countries to help promote change. The rebellion it takes to do it even if their own live is in danger because of it. They believe it can happen.
DO YOU! I for one do!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What is family?

That is the question right? Is it blood or social bond? Is it people you live with as roommates are friends family..
I think it is all of the above. I have 2 sisters. One older adopted like me, 1 younger half sister. My younger sister and I have reconnected after many year of separation. I take responsibility for part of that. I could have picked up the phone and called her. I just didn't feel I had solid ground to do so. We were young when we first met and at the time 2 very different people. Now through time and God he is restoring that relationship. I don't love her any less because we only share half blood, she's my sister and I love her.
My relationship with my older sister that I grew up with is stagnant. I have not talked to her in months. Even those conversations were strained. It is difficult to to talk to her. I sent her a letter and told her how I was feeling. I have heard nothing back. She did not even call after my surgery to see how I was. We basically just shared a last name and lived in the same space while we were growing up. We 2 are very different people. However, with her I don't know if it will ever be restored. I do love her but I really don't like her right now and there are no signs of this changing.
Now, my mom is angry and wanting to write her her own letter. I asked her is she was ready for the repercussions. It may help bridge the gap, or it could settle the dust and cause her to back out of any relations. There are her 4 children in the mix. I told my mom the consequences could be drastic, and it could hurt her more than I am. She is mom's daughter but we were never sisters in the traditional sense. We rarely fought or argued, we did not have sibling rivalry. There was not much to loose. My mom raised her and cared for her. I mean this is a big step that could go either way.
I think my older sis has issues with me from growing up. I was not the greatest sister. I did things that hurt her. I also have apologized for them and grown past then. I mean after all we are adults now, and I can't change the past. It's not like I was not hurt by her too but I am not keeping a tally.
Maybe she can't stand to watch my moms health go slowly down.
I don't know what the deal is all I know is that when we did talk I felt like I was talked down to and belittled. She does the same with mom. I try to live my life with no regrets. There is only I can not change. I did not get to know my dad as a man and not just my father. I don't want to make that same mistake with mom. So I live by the US marine slogan Semper Fi, seize the day
Unfortunately she is missing a golden opportunity to get to mom. Her choice no one elses.
So yes, I think family includes every one we care about and would do almost anything for. I just wish I had my older sister to share this with.
Ah well, I can't change people just how I react to them. Only God knows what the future holds for us I have left it up to Him. It's too much for me to carry.
Also an update I start my physical therapy on my shoulder Thursday. The pain on any given day is excruciating I try not to take my pain meds which may be part of the problem. I am not staying ahead of the pain but letting it get ahead of my thus making it more difficult to deal with. However, I know it is a long recovery process but I am determined to come out the other end victorious.
That's all for tonight.

Monday, October 13, 2008


OK I am a great deal of pain from my shoulder surgery last Thursday. I am on my moms desktop since I can't lift my laptop up. However, with pain comes those lessons no one likes to learn. Humility, grace, and walking the higher road. Not too fond of those lessons. I take to them like I do those on patience. Lets just for lack of a better word they suck!
Surgery did go well no it is all rehab, oh joy.....
short sweet and to the point. That is why this is so short. Just thought I would update.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

In ones life....

In ones life a little rain must fall. It is physically raining here today as it has been for 2 days now. It's strangely comforting. For a very brief moment it was as if God himself was weeping for the loss the world had. I know, my dad was a small cog in a vast machine, and that everything in the world didn't know him. For some reason the rain makes me feel not so alone.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

And Still......

Ah man, I don't think I can take anymore of this, and why when I am only asleep, why not remember these things or see these things while I am awake?
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

For my dad

I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.

Friday, August 15, 2008


OK folks... It is me... I am battling some stuff right now regarding my dads death 3 years ago that I still have not really dealt with. Plus current events here in the home with my mom and older sister. I am trying to figure all this out and have consulted many peeps. However, it is all to personal right now to even write about it in this moment. I will eventually just be patient with me. I am trying. I thank those of you whom have offered advice and experience. it has been helpful. thanks for you patients...

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


OK folks I will know on the 11th, however, I feel like I am heading for surgery on my shoulder for the torn rotator cuff. I have been doing my physical therapy but it still if VERY painful and not gaining much. I will know on the 11th when I see the doctor. I could use all the prayer I can get during this time. I will keep doing what I can to avoid surgery. We shall see.... thanks for the support.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Not ignoring

I am not ignoring anyone that views my blog... I just have a bad shoulder injury and it makes it difficult to type. I have pain meds in me right now so I can do this, but it is not painless non the less. For those of you that know, I went for my mri last week and got the results this week. It is a torn rotator cuff and I am doing everything I can do to try and avoid surgery. I hope you understand that am not ignoring my blog, it has just has been painful to type and list up the laptop onto the bed.... Please forgive me if I have upset anyone by not posting recently....

Sunday, June 29, 2008


I have an issue that really irritated me the other day and I thought about it again when I was in the shower tonight.
I was minding my own business driving to a doctors appointment, and flying past me on my right was a little silver car with a big ol' bumper sticker on it that said "I love Jesus do You?" Now I am thinking I used to do that. Meaning put bumper stickers or emblems on my vehicle telling everyone I PASSED what I believed. I had it on the back of my car when I lived in California and was on my way back to Cali from Arizona after a weekend of visiting with my grandfather and mother. This time it did not help. I was in Quartzite Arizona, doing what I called bombing the desert. Meaning I was really flying, radio as loud as it would go, windows open having a good time... Until.... Yup I got nailed. The cop approached and asked if I knew why I was pulled over? (why do they ask this) I said "I can guess". I knew because it took about a mile to catch me and get me pulled over. I was not trying to out run him, I just took my foot off the gas. He wrote me a ticket for in access of 95 which he said was being nice because he clocked me at 120. After he handed it to me with a MANDATORY court appearance at a later date, he said "ya know to have that on your bumper you should know you are to obey the laws of the land too." Ouch, OK that was a good one.
Now I am not saying I do not fly low under the radar when I drive, I do and it seems I get faster and faster the closer I get to my destination. I will say the any vehicle I have owned since that day has not had a marker like that. The fine I had to pay was a lot, but I think I probably should have learned not to speed, in turn I just learned To put a radar detector in the front and back of my SUV when driving a long distance and not thing things like that on it.
I really wanted to say to that guy just wait your time will come too....
OK I am going to bed now. I know this is a strange post but I am in a strange mood. it is call "Just My Thoughts"

Monday, June 23, 2008

servant's heart

OK, I have been away from my blog for a while. However, I am back with a few thought.
Last Friday I did a relief aid trip to a place in here in my home state of Wisconsin after all the devastating flooding that has been happening. I started a drive to collect bottled water, bleach, non-perishable food, diapers and baby food or formula. The local new TV stations picked it up as well as the local paper ran the story. Now, let me say I love doing these trips weather it be to New Orleans or where ever. This time was a bit different because the items were staying in our own state. We needed to rally around people in our own communities this time. So while I am grateful that the stations and papers helped get the word out about the drive, I hate the camera or reporter in my face stuff. I really just think of myself as just the driver. The people that donate are the real heroes. They are the ones that make it all possible. To them I am thankful.
It took me 5 hours through some very tedious curves and some fairly steep down grades like they have in the mountains except this time there were more than a few 10 mph turns with no guard rails and nothing but a steep slope down. On every trip I have ever gone on I always have those moments where the devil attacks me and I get the thoughts in my head this is it I am going to die. I am going to go off this cliff roll who knows how many times and die at the bottom. Than I start to pray and I am like are you kidding me, I doing something God made happen shut up already. But it's scary initially, and takes a while to get through it. I always come through it on the other end, but going through it is tough.
I know that we are all called to be servants of the Almighty. I am willing to do this. I enjoy this. it just really struck home this time for some reason. Not that I have not had this revelation in the past I have but this time it was closer to home I guess. I do not do this for any kind of fame from the TV and certainly not for fortune considering the out of pocket expense for gas and getting the SUV checked before I go, but for the sheer joy I get in peoples faces when arrive. I pray that they see the glint of God in my eyes for hat He is doing.
People don't like to ask for help, so I call and ask if they need the help, if they do and I can give it I do. it is the most fulfilling thing i do. volunteering to help those that need it. I know that is God in me coming forth. I know it is what I am called to do in that moment.
For those who have never experienced this I encourage you if you have the time to do something like this. Even if it is just dropping off supplies.
I got a card from a friend with a donation enclosed that said I had a servant's heart. I guess I do because I get joy from doing it. However, aren't we all called to be servants? When we serve others we are in turn serving God. When we serve God we are in His presence. What better place to be.
So today, Monday, I am still tired and have a few pulled muscles, am still in rest mode, but grateful for the another experience. What have you done lately to serve others and in turn the Lord. Bring his glory to those in need?
OK, this may not all make sense but that's OK, after all I am still tired and sore.
By the way, Sharon, I am praying for you. Hope you feel better soon. L, K

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I am sure I am going to face some backlash from this but this is something I read on the Internet that I found interesting. Most people know where I stand on the Israeli - Palestinian conflict and my belief that the US has no business backing either country in what is an age old war that continues in part because our country can't keep it's nose out of certain things. Most of you also know that I love my country and the freedoms that affords me. I also like others have done extensive research regarding the ancient maps and regions from Biblical times. Israel knows it has US backing and has used that status to bully others around. If you do the research you will find out for yourself that this has been a bone of contention for other parts of the world and has created much of the anti-American sentiment that exists today. Read the the article below and choose for yourself. I know what my opinion is and I can back it up. Can you?

By Ghada Karmi Fri May 30, 4:00 AM ET
London - In 2005, I was invited to do something most Palestinians can only dream of: visit the house from which my family had been driven in 1948. Of all people, a New York Times correspondent discovered that his apartment was built over my old home.
When I met him there, the Jewish occupants who showed me around were almost apologetic, perhaps aware how that incident encapsulated the central story of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: the expulsion of Palestinians and their replacement by Jews. Yet when I asked the reporter how he could still write articles that betray this reality, he was evasive.
His evasion is part of an industry of denial called the Middle East "peace process." This industry feeds the current international consensus on the two-state solution as the only "comprehensive" settlement to the conflict. But there's a better solution, one that's slowly picking up steam among Palestinians and Israelis: a one-state model.
The two-state approach is flawed on two major counts. First, Israel's extensive colonization of the territories it seized in the 1967 war has made the creation of a Palestinian state there impossible. Israel was offering nothing more than "a mini-state of cantons," as Palestinian Authority negotiators recently complained. This leaves Israel in control of more than half of the West Bank and all of East Jerusalem. With the Israeli position largely unchallenged by the international community, the only route to a two-state settlement will be through pressure on the weaker Palestinian side.
This leads to the second flaw: The two-state solution reflects only Israeli interests. It proposes to partition historic Palestine – an area that includes present-day Israel, the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and Jerusalem – massively and inequitably in favor of Israel as a Jewish state. By definition, this rules out possibility of Palestinian return except to the tiny, segmented West Bank territory that Israeli colonization has created, and to an overcrowded Gaza, which cannot accommodate the returnees. Thus the "peace process" is really about making the Palestinians concede their basic rights to accommodate Israel's demands.
It also panders to Israel's paranoia over "demography," an ambiguous term that refers to the morally repugnant wish to preserve Israel's Jewish ethnic purity.
But the two-state solution's biggest flaw is that it ignores the main cause of the conflict: the Palestinian dispossession of 1948.
Today more than 5 million dispersed refugees and exiles long to return. It is fashionable to ignore this, as if Palestinians have less right to repatriation than the displaced Kosovars so ardently championed by NATO in 1999. As recognized by the Western powers then, the right to return was fundamental to peacemaking in the Bosnian crisis. It should be no less so in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Yet the present peace process aims to preserve a colonialist Israel and make Palestinian dispossession permanent. This is not only illegal and unjust, it is also short-sighted. As the early Zionist thinker Vladimir Jabotinsky warned in 1923, native resistance to dispossession is irrepressible and Zionism would only survive with constant force to quell it.
Israel has heeded the lesson well. With an oppressive military occupation ruling over the West Bank and Gaza, it has herded Palestinians into ghettos and prisons, aiming to paralyze any resistance. The response to this brutality is misery, expressed by some in violence against Israelis, and continuing instability in the region. American collusion with Israel has led to growing anti-Americanism among Arabs and Muslims.
If the aim of the peace process is to resolve the conflict properly, then we must tackle the root of the problem: the creation of an exclusive state for one people in another people's territory. The strife this caused will end only when the Palestinian rights to repatriation and compensation are addressed. This cannot happen in a situation of Israeli hegemony.
A different approach that puts the principles of equity and sharing above dominance and oppression is needed: a one-state solution. In such a state, no Jewish settler would have to move and no Palestinian would be under occupation. Resources could be shared, rather than hoarded by Israel. Jerusalem could be a city for both. Above all, the dispossessed Palestinians could finally return home.
Indulging Israel is a dangerous folly that postpones solution. It harms Palestinians, the region, and long-term Western interests. It even harms Israelis, who are less secure in Israel than anywhere else. Palestinian and Arab support for the two-state proposal only reflects resignation to Israel's superior power and fear of US reprisal, not conviction. The two-state proposal is unstable and cannot replace a durable solution based on equity, justice, and dignity.
A decade ago, the unitary state idea was ridiculed. Today, as the two-state solution recedes, a one-state solution is the stuff of mainstream discussion. Now it must become mainstream

Friday, May 23, 2008

Interestingly Enough

Have you ever examined your friendships? Every now and then I think about my closest friends. What I find ironic those people are the ones I usually detested at the first meeting. One of them in particular I'll call her M. She thought I was snotty , stuck up and just generally obnoxious. I thought she was brash, pushy and down right annoying. We met at work. She worked the 3rd. shift and I came in as a first shifter. The clients she could not stand I really liked. We are direct opposites. I was outside grabbing my last smoke before I went in to work, she was leaving and asked me a question about a bumper sticker on my 91 chevy cavalier. We started talking and some 17 years later we are very good friends and I would not trade her for anything. Well maybe.. Na.. I'll keep her.
Than you have those friends who are always right even when you don't want them to be. Ya know, the one ya call first when your mad or upset? They respond with something that just makes you even more angry or a lecture that was not requested but you know you needed to hear. Like lectures ever are requested right? Yet, those are the people that you keep calling over and over again. Knowing full well what you are in for, and some how you end up on the other end of the speech again. Hang up and cuss them out in your vehicle, throw the cell phone across the truck, and swear "I'm never talking to them again." 2 days later there you are again same song different day. I would not give her away for a million dollars.
Than there is those perky ones that just drive you nuts because all they do smile and everything is just swell. I have one of those friends too. She worked in the human resources department where I worked when I got injured at work by a 12 year old boy. I had 3 surgeries in 3 months. First to fix the fractured knee cap, second to remove an infection, third to remove all the excess scar tissue that had built up. She inevitably would call within a day or so out of surgery. With all that perky hi how are are you crap. All sweet and nice and wayyyyyy to happy. She would tell me that when she would fire people they would cry, give her a hug than say thank you. I was like are you kidding me? You fire me you better have my check in your right hand while I give you your damn keys in your left. Although, I know I would not have been quiet as nice as that. I mean really What's up with hugging someone who just fired you? I don't think so. Yet, today we talk several times a week. She is still annoyingly perky but I would not give her up either.
I have many more friends like that from pastors T, you know who are, to another M who I have known since high school. You see, all these people are different and I love them all. I would do anything and give all I have for any one of them. If there is one thing I have learned in life is it's all about passion. I used to be a very angry kid at times and as I said in an earlier post I learned that anger directed the right way is passion. I am a passionate person. My friend know with me what they see is what they get. No bull, straight up talk, and sometimes an attitude to match.
However, when one has the friends that I have there is always the right person there for the right situation. My friends are apart of my family. That is who I am. Like it or leave it. I can come on like a busload of truck drivers at times, but I have that other side that I don't like to show too often that is sensitive and very giving. That is all apart of life. More giving than recieving.
My grandma when I was young, (my dad's mom) I thought knew the meaning of life. I asked her one time. I was maybe 11 or so and she was in a nursing home. I'll never forget what she said. be yourself, find your passion and never let anything stop you. The hills and valleys along the way are just part of the ride, and if you ride with them you'll always come out on top. Well, I think I have and continue to do that. I love my God, my family and friends, and the bumps in the road are just temporary and I am happy with it all.
I mean if I look around even at family members I have not been in contact with for years I am communicating with again an it's wonderful. Their wonderful.
Geez, not I am starting to sound like a brash, lecturery, perky person. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! What has become of me???

Thursday, May 15, 2008


Well I finally have relief and things are OK. Thank God!! I am tired tonight so that is all I am going to write tonight. I am just starting to get some energy back and maybe doing to much a little too soon.
I do have somethings spinning around in my mind but not for tonight.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Amazing I get the results of my tests tomorrow and I am not afraid. Interested yes, fearful no. I have really prayed for the peace that passes all understanding. It really does. I have talked to many people who have said the waiting it the hard part. For me it was the waiting for the surgery to get it out. However, after i am amazed at the relief I do feel. Many people have helped through this time, family and friends alike. I am grateful for their support and words of wisdom they have imparted to me. Those things all combined have helped me get to the point where I am now. Resting in the peace of God, which ya kind of have to do after surgery and all the meds they pump ya with and pain killers after, but just knowing even if it does come back as positive the doctor said he got it. I trust him, and I trust the big Him.
So tomorrow at 10:30 I go in for the post op and get the results and everything and we shall see where that takes me. I am reminded of the book by Robert Frost: The road less traveled. That is what this feels like for me. This whole 16 days since I found it. (most of you know what it is) I have a wide array of emotion from panic, anger, gripping fear, vulnerability, hopelessness, encouragement, frustration, then there was and is the peace, hope, warrior instinct to go into battle if i need to over this, and just incredible love from family and friends. I can't remember a time when I felt that much emotion in such a short period of time. Emotions are not a strong point for me. Yes I am passionate about many things and there are times that when expressed appropriately anger is passion, therefore I am the passionate one. but now..... I will take whatever the answer is from the doctor and forge ahead. All the while knowing that god is driving the bus. And that's a tough one for me because I like to the one behind the wheel, but this time and I am sure every other time as well, He does a better job at it when I am just a passenger....

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

In due time

Scripture says everything is done in God's time. Well, I want the answer now. I am ready to say, I had surgery on Friday to remove 2 masses in my left breast. The unknown is scary. I know in my conscious mind that to God there is no unknown, but my mind has a lot of them. The pain medication makes me nauseous so I take a different med for that. I have an appointment on Wednesday of this week to get the results. Yes, I am anxious for the results, but i can make it.

There is someone who I really don't know, that I met when I was 19 she was 15 who inspires me. She is my half biological sister. Yes, I am adopted. She is am amazing person. We have reconnected after several years and WOW am I impressed. Her faith is so strong. The trials she has had to face in her life and yet she is raising God fearing children who love the Lord. Sometimes just hearing her voice makes m feel better. When we met I was young, she was young, and held judgement for some of her choices. Those are now gone and all I hear is a woman who is grounded in the word of God, and lives her life accordingly. She has called to see how I am doing after the surgery, and i know that even though we are just getting to know each other, the people God made us to be, that our bond is growing. I love her so much I would lay my life down for her. I am proud to be her big sister (what ever that means, which I will learn as time passes) I will write more about her later. she has just been an amazingly inspiring to me. I thank God that He has brought her back into my life during this trial. I will be making a trip out o see her this summer I hope. By them I will be off the 2 medications and actually make sense when I talk to her. Not all goofy and her kids and husband will hear a better side of. Sorry about you know what Jeff. Try not to laugh too hard..... It's the meds I promise...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Revelations about myself

I remember the day my dad died in Feb. 24th 2005 and the months leading up to it. He was so sick and almost died a few months before he did. I had moved back from Southern California to take care of my 73 year old mother. She needed the help and I was willing to give up my life to do it. I am great in any kind of difficulty / crisis. his illness was just that. I've been described as stoic / tough through it all I was strong for mom, showed little of my own emotion and just knew I had to shake it off and move on. The day he died I was there holding is hand. when it was over I walked out of the room collapsed on the floor in the hallway, sobbed for a few minutes then pulled it together, walked out and started making phone calls and arrangements. I have been that way ever since, and even long before.
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

This we learn form our dogs

Dogs are great. They love you no matter what you do. Even after you have to correct. However, today I learned my dog is actually becoming smarter then me (Don't tell mensa) She knows when I am sick, she knows when something is wrong with me before I even do. I swear she can smell something like a cold or flu coming on before I feel it. She even knows when I am scared about something as well too.
Today, she did not leave my side at all. She is normally pretty much attached to me anyway, but today was even more so. So knows that something is wrong and would not leave me alone. She clung to me so close I almost stepped on her many times. She knows that there are some challenging appointments I have coming up starting tomorrow and I even believe she knows were the problem is. Anytime we were kicking back watching TV she was right there and laid her head right on the part that has an issue right now. I'll explain this all much clearer at a later date, but for now I firmly believe my dog is a genius.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Back home

So I got back yesterday afternoon. Very tired and exhausted, but in a good way. It went exactly how God wanted it to that much I do know. The ego in me wanted to do more, but I had to do and say only what He wanted me to say. I pray I did so. Meaning said enough or didn't talk too much.
So I am back home. I am facing a challenge of a different sort. Maybe I will write about it later. For now it is in the Lord's hands and a few people who will cover me with prayer while I wait and refuse to fear. (Easier said than done) god tells us not to but I am, but than I remember who and what I am and that it all belongs at the feet of God. I just need to not keep going back to pick it up again. What a struggle.
Anyway, I am tired today and going to just rest in everything God has given me. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.....

Friday, April 25, 2008


I love my friends, and I have a lot of them. However as most people know there are those friends that are just that friends. Than there are those that are closest to you and know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. Most of the later is usually a very small circle. I can count those in my life on pretty much one hand. I would lay my life down for them, do virtually anything for them to help them.
Tonight I face a conundrum. I lave a friend i love and would lay my life down for and she needs help. However, she is across the country in California. What do I do? She really needs the help and support of a sister in Christ. i don't have a lot of money and would have a lot of arrangements to make in a short period of time. Again, what do I do?
I have made a plan and am going to do it. Tomorrow it will play out when I fly into San Diego airport. I am taking the last I have and go and help her. I think that is what a close friend. I am not doing it to gain anything and I expect nothing. I love her and she needs help end of story.
I am reminded of the story on the Bible where a group of friends tore off the roof in desperation to where Jesus was teaching and in a make shift basket lowered their friend down through the roof so that Jesus could heal him. What did Jesus do? Healed and helped their friend. Now I am not comparing myself to Jesus here in no way do I even come close, but it we were back in those days I would tear the roof off and lower her down.
The next best thing I have is an airplane and a shoulder to cry on, and hopefully help her through this time and let her know that she is worth it to me, the world, and to God.
So if you are reading this please pray for me to have the wisdom to know what to say and pray for her to have whatever is oppressing her to be not only lifted but thrown as far as the east is from the west.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


If history is any reference than I have a great deal to learn. I have to learn to love deeper, forgive more, not judge people for where they are in the moment, and give more of myself to others that need help. I need to learn to be a better sister (older and younger). I was a horrendous sister all the way around and in many ways still am from what I gather. I am not sure how to do this, but through God and His word I am learning. Emotions run cavernous and burns hot, I love them both I just do not know how to articulate it to them in ways they will be received with the intent they are meant. I tend to be a very gruff and up front people. One gets what they see with me. I also need to learn to discipline that side of me.
I call it fervor. I have a lot of it for all sorts of things. I believe that God comes first in all things, then family, than everything else. Sometimes my vehemence gets the best of me. I am working on that too. I am not ashamed to admit I am a work in progress, than again aren’t we all?
I am very arcane with how I feel. I don’t like to let people know how I feel because I always think that it can then be used against me. So I keep them to myself. Vulnerability is not a major sturdy point for me. Yes, I have been egomaniacal at times; however, I feel that is something that I am overcoming. I like to give rather than receive. I enjoy watching people’s faces when I do so. Even in New Orleans there was nothing in it for me, it was all for them. I may have structured the drives for whatever was needed and synchronized everything, but when I was complimented I would simply say those who donated were the real hero’s I am just the driver. Nothing more nothing less. I just get things from point A to point B. The houses I helped gut or build had no gain in it for me, it was all about the people we were helping. I enjoy it more than words could explain.
So I guess I need to work on conveying my feelings more too. ARGH, that could cause some serious anguish, I like my comfort zones.
So much to work on I guess that just goes to prove I am human being and make human faux pas just like everyone else in the world.
Ah well, those are my thoughts for tonight.

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Grace what a delusion! Or maybe it was called Praying Hands, you know the classic painting? The old man sitting at a table with a loaf of bread with his hands pressed together in prayer. She sat under that. That was her position at the dinner table. On the other wall was the picture of all the fruit sitting on a table. That one was called Half Bushel. She always thought it would be more appropriate if she had sat under that since she felt like such a basket case. Their wallpaper was the old stuff, ya know actual paper. Also with the fruit on it, gold fruit with pristine gold stripes. That helped add to the illusion that everything was as perfect and polished as the pattern itself, even though its hue was tainted yellow and peeling, caked with years of lingering smoke that never found an escape except to seep into the walls, stuck in time. Locked in the particles of the paper until released and replaced by a new modern décor. It fit the criteria for a typical Midwestern dinette in the 1960’s. Only problem was they had an atypical house and the wallpaper stayed until the late 1990’s. Stripping that wallpaper off was difficult at best, because it was the real stuff. The kind that actually stuck once hung. It was as if that paper was trying just as hard as she was to hold on to everything that it has seen transpire there through the years, like that same prayer before dinner. They said it so fast that she did not even realize what she was saying until years later when she slowed it down in her head and tried to figure out what the words were she was saying. The unsullied ornamentation of that house was nothing more than an aberration. All the crystal, china and silver in the world would not make up for the secrets that encamped in the thick stale atmosphere that only an inhabitant knew existed. It hung in and around everything. Permeating everything it came in contact with, nothing was immune. Yet if it were mentioned it was quickly extinguished and passed off as a selfish, disconsolate, emotionally aggrieved child. It was unseen except by the wisest spectators. She would silently pray, the only way she knew for that audience member to appear, to rip off the veil. Expose the murky shadows that only linger in corners or under stairs as seen on movies or read about in books, except in her case that was all there was. The sunlight that would shine in through the huge bay windows in their should have been plastic covered living room, the ones no one ever really sat in unless there was company over. It was also primped with gold paint and yellow gold shag carpet. The sun would break into tiny particles and fall dead just as it hit their window sill. It was incomprehensible to her that anybody had a different life or existence than she did.
She often looks back and wonders how she could have ever arrived at this point in her life. Her journey here was as they say an uphill climb both ways in the snow. Clichés are too passé’ even for the most experienced adventurer. Every detail was as clear as if it were lying just on the other side of a two way mirror. Touchable on the surface but anything more would have killed her she was sure. Her own parents are amazed at her memory. It is all Technicolor in her head, but it has the feeling of a monochrome plain. Don’t get her wrong, it’s not all bad. Maybe it is just exacerbated because it is her life and not that of a television sitcom character. Every problem solved in 22 minutes, 30 with commercials. In her case she knew she was born but for the life of her could not figure out why anyone much less God would have wanted her here, and grace from a seen or unseen force was something far beyond her since she never knew it from any human.
The year was 1969. A terrible mistake was made and in august of 70, the faux pas was born. She was given a name but nothing formal, lasting or grounding. She had a case number assigned to her and was put up for adoption and sent to a foster home until someone wanted her for good, and for bad for what it’s worth. If she had known then what she knows now would she still have come forth? She often wonders.
So her life began. She came to know in her late 20’s that it all happened in a motel room in a small Kansas town half way across the state from where she was born. She wasn’t even good enough then to get at least a middle class HOTEL. No she got a neon flashing, psycho looking, just off the highway MOTEL. There is a difference between the two.
Let me recede for a moment. The first few days of her life she was in a maternity home with the woman who gave her this life. She was told that she was a fairly content baby. However, there were times that she was inconsolable. Usually this happened at night. There was a nice young nurse who after trying to comfort her with no success, would take her to her mother so she could hold and feed her. At that point she would instantly quiet. Her name was none other than baby girl J, as in Jane Doe, no identity but a case number. She was still a nobody. She was then placed in a foster home. There they considered adopting her themselves, because they said “She was such a happy, content baby girl, who smiled and gurgled a great deal. One of the best foster babies they had ever had.” They were told that she was most likely spoken for. Most likely being the operative words.
Fast forward to the day in the MOTEL. She was taken by a social worker to this hick motel and placed in the custody of two people who had never laid eyes on her before, for two hours to decide if they wanted her or not. The social worker didn’t stay she did a drop and leave. Maybe she needed to get something to eat. After all what was more important than the safety of a defenseless child or her own grumbling stomach. Well the grumbling won out. She did nothing but cry and scream the whole time in what her parents described as “a blood curdling cry.” Interestingly enough from the moment her conception was known a social worker was involved in her life as they would be again later on. The worker returned and the people decided why not, we’ll take her. What a great way to make a lifelong commitment. They took her the rest of the way across the state to her 3rd new home, all the while she continued my whaling at which point her new mom asked her new dad if he thought “this was an omen of things to come”. “Oh Elizabeth she is just not sure what is happening.” “Ok Albert but if she does not stop this soon no one will have any peace.” Already she was to blame for something else. They changed her name to Amy and a completely new beginning as they say began. Or should she say a completely new person was born that day. No one understood that to change a name even as an infant changes so many things inside little minds that it sends everything in them into warp speed. So she was referred to by friends and family of her parents as “special”, or “chosen”, she love that one. However, she must have known that something was not right. The new voices were not the ones she had heard before; the touch was different and things did not feel right. In a matter of hours those changed as did everything else. She went from happy and smiling to crying and screaming. Somewhere in those few hours she got lost and some people lost her. She would not know until later if the wrong path was taken. Yet, somehow an innocent, infantile mind knew that things were going to be severely veered off the intended or not so intended natural course of human beginnings.
Oh to be alive in such a time. Childhood escaped her. She did not feel like a quote normal kid, but more a mini adult. She learned very young that to pretend to be stupid was beneficial to her. Little was expected and trivial things were enormous victories. Yet, she observed everything in the seen and unseen realms. To grow up in the smoke tainted house with people who had no genetic connection to anyone and survive defied all means. She knew at a young age that there was something missing from her life – what? Some said God; others thought that she was just an emotionally disturbed child. She could not figure out what was absent even with earnest thought through a young mind. She urgently needed answers to a vast number of questions. No one had them; she had to find them on her own. At least that is what she thought. What she really needed to know was that she mattered to someone somewhere. She thought “what is my reason for being here in a world where the one who birthed me didn’t want me and the ones who brought me home seemed to want to blame me for all and any problems anywhere?” In her mind it came down to what she called the dreaded “L” word, love. Was she still loveable even though she was damaged goods? Was she worth anyone’s love even if no one seemed to want her? She decided that she wasn’t but yet kept trying to find and get it.
Her journey began as another one always ended.


OK, this is guts.. I am going to add the prologue to the book I have started years ago. I really have to be inspired to write. I do have other chapters written, but I have only shared the prologue with ANYBODY. No one has seen the chapters, and they won't until I am more comfortable. GOT THAT MAR!!! HAHAHAHA

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Even as a little kid I knew I was different than most. I was not consumed with being the most popular or fashionable. None of that mattered much to me. Oh sure I wanted to fit in as all kids do, but I was not the type of kid that would tell my parents I would just die if I did not have a specific shirt or pair of pants. Case in point: even in my latter elementary school years I still liked the show Captain Kangaroo. I really liked the character Mr. Green Jeans. Why, I could not tell you now or even what he looked like. However, my mom thought because I liked him so much I would like a pair of green jeans. She brought them home and was so proud. I took them gratefully, but was screaming inside about how ugly they were. I mean big square pockets in front and back and just ugly. I never wore them and they stayed buried on the very top shelf of my closet way in the corner. As a matter of fact I found them years and years later still scrunched up there in an old pillow case. So I cared to an extent about fashion but it was more geared to what I liked and was comfortable wearing. After all I was a tom boy in every since of the word.
Our family did not really talk during dinner because the news was on, and God forbid if we spoke during the weather. Mom just about had a cow on anyone that did. That was one of her obsessions and still is to this day. But, I was the type of kid was would hear the undercurrents of things being talked about on the news. the murders in the bigger cities, racial undertones about it if it was a black or Hispanic that stood accused. I didn't understand why people made comments about people of different skin color, why was it a big deal? I didn't get it. We were still people right? I heard and saw the horror of the end Vietnam War and wondered why we as a nation were there, and why all these people had to fight. I really wanted to know these things and knew I was not going to get the answers at the dinner table. So I just kept wondering night after night.
In history lessons in social studies class as it was called in elementary school we learned about Martin Luther King Jr. and all he did for our country. Even at that age, I knew if I had been alive then I would have helped some how. I would have been in Selma Alabama marching across the Edmund Pettus bridge, and march on Washington. I would have sobbed when JFK was killed, and applauded John Jr. as he stood straight and saluted his fathers casket as it rolled by. I just knew it. I don't know how I just did.
In middle school I would go to the art museum in our town it was free to get in, and just walk around and look at all the paintings and other art. It was then as I walked through listening to classical music on my walkman that I had the realization that I was listening to music written by a deaf man (Beethoven) and looking at paintings painted by a blind man (Claude Monet). I thought that everybody thought that and I was just behind the learning curve because I just then got it. I found out later that most adults don't ever have that kind of deep thought awakenings.
I guess I always wanted to fix the wrongs in the whole world. I had been jaded and turned cynical to the fact that one person can't do that. In many regards I feel like I still can change the world, I can do my part anyway. Even if it to just light a fire under someone else to also help in their own way in where ever their personal passion lies. One voice turns to two, 2 to 4, and it just keeps growing until multitudes are all in one accord with helping someone some where in the world even in their own back yard. Distance does not matter it's the effort that counts.
Yet.... I have my days where I feel like I am accomplishing nothing, disappointing everyone and not doing my part. My problem is I want to help everyone everywhere. All the AIDS orphans in Africa, the war in Darfur, the victims of hurricane Katrina or other natural disasters, the remaining families of our fallen war heroes, basically all the plights of those less fortunate then I. Even as a young kid I wanted to do that. However, people would say "you can't change everything, you can't change the world by yourself." Why? Why can't I, and can't I at least try? I don't want to do it for any recognition or accolades, I just want to do it because I can.
I think what I am getting at is as a child I always knew I had to have been born in the wrong era. I wanted social justice for everyone because I heard of all the injustices and intolerance's every night on the news or in comments adults would make. Without understanding why the comments or undertones were wrong I just knew they were. I wanted to make everything right with the world even if everything about me was all wrong.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Lightning storms

Lightening storms seem to sweep through my life at different times. Some are way off in the distance like those you see in the desert south west. Others are deafeningly loud so they shake the ground all around.
Maybe I was just electric and called all of these dangerous and exciting things to me. Maybe fires were always starting around me to protect me from the world. Or I put the fire ring around me to keep everyone else at bay. I don't know, I just know that as far back as I can remember I was walking around in a group of people and had never felt more lonely.
People didn't seem to want to talk to me about what I want to talk about. They want to talk about the weather and I want to know about me.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Have you ever

Have you ever tried to write a book? Well I have been trying for years now. I have the beginning and I know how I want it to end..... The middle is the challenge. So I even tried writing from the end to the beginning. Talk about a challenge. So maybe I should start again in the middle. Middle of what? Oh who knows... I guess I will just continue to go at it a chapter every so many years. Maybe I should just try to write a few paragraphs at a time. What do you think???