Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What is family?

That is the question right? Is it blood or social bond? Is it people you live with as roommates are friends family..
I think it is all of the above. I have 2 sisters. One older adopted like me, 1 younger half sister. My younger sister and I have reconnected after many year of separation. I take responsibility for part of that. I could have picked up the phone and called her. I just didn't feel I had solid ground to do so. We were young when we first met and at the time 2 very different people. Now through time and God he is restoring that relationship. I don't love her any less because we only share half blood, she's my sister and I love her.
My relationship with my older sister that I grew up with is stagnant. I have not talked to her in months. Even those conversations were strained. It is difficult to to talk to her. I sent her a letter and told her how I was feeling. I have heard nothing back. She did not even call after my surgery to see how I was. We basically just shared a last name and lived in the same space while we were growing up. We 2 are very different people. However, with her I don't know if it will ever be restored. I do love her but I really don't like her right now and there are no signs of this changing.
Now, my mom is angry and wanting to write her her own letter. I asked her is she was ready for the repercussions. It may help bridge the gap, or it could settle the dust and cause her to back out of any relations. There are her 4 children in the mix. I told my mom the consequences could be drastic, and it could hurt her more than I am. She is mom's daughter but we were never sisters in the traditional sense. We rarely fought or argued, we did not have sibling rivalry. There was not much to loose. My mom raised her and cared for her. I mean this is a big step that could go either way.
I think my older sis has issues with me from growing up. I was not the greatest sister. I did things that hurt her. I also have apologized for them and grown past then. I mean after all we are adults now, and I can't change the past. It's not like I was not hurt by her too but I am not keeping a tally.
Maybe she can't stand to watch my moms health go slowly down.
I don't know what the deal is all I know is that when we did talk I felt like I was talked down to and belittled. She does the same with mom. I try to live my life with no regrets. There is only I can not change. I did not get to know my dad as a man and not just my father. I don't want to make that same mistake with mom. So I live by the US marine slogan Semper Fi, seize the day
Unfortunately she is missing a golden opportunity to get to mom. Her choice no one elses.
So yes, I think family includes every one we care about and would do almost anything for. I just wish I had my older sister to share this with.
Ah well, I can't change people just how I react to them. Only God knows what the future holds for us I have left it up to Him. It's too much for me to carry.
Also an update I start my physical therapy on my shoulder Thursday. The pain on any given day is excruciating I try not to take my pain meds which may be part of the problem. I am not staying ahead of the pain but letting it get ahead of my thus making it more difficult to deal with. However, I know it is a long recovery process but I am determined to come out the other end victorious.
That's all for tonight.

Monday, October 13, 2008


OK I am a great deal of pain from my shoulder surgery last Thursday. I am on my moms desktop since I can't lift my laptop up. However, with pain comes those lessons no one likes to learn. Humility, grace, and walking the higher road. Not too fond of those lessons. I take to them like I do those on patience. Lets just for lack of a better word they suck!
Surgery did go well no it is all rehab, oh joy.....
short sweet and to the point. That is why this is so short. Just thought I would update.