Friday, May 23, 2008

Interestingly Enough

Have you ever examined your friendships? Every now and then I think about my closest friends. What I find ironic those people are the ones I usually detested at the first meeting. One of them in particular I'll call her M. She thought I was snotty , stuck up and just generally obnoxious. I thought she was brash, pushy and down right annoying. We met at work. She worked the 3rd. shift and I came in as a first shifter. The clients she could not stand I really liked. We are direct opposites. I was outside grabbing my last smoke before I went in to work, she was leaving and asked me a question about a bumper sticker on my 91 chevy cavalier. We started talking and some 17 years later we are very good friends and I would not trade her for anything. Well maybe.. Na.. I'll keep her.
Than you have those friends who are always right even when you don't want them to be. Ya know, the one ya call first when your mad or upset? They respond with something that just makes you even more angry or a lecture that was not requested but you know you needed to hear. Like lectures ever are requested right? Yet, those are the people that you keep calling over and over again. Knowing full well what you are in for, and some how you end up on the other end of the speech again. Hang up and cuss them out in your vehicle, throw the cell phone across the truck, and swear "I'm never talking to them again." 2 days later there you are again same song different day. I would not give her away for a million dollars.
Than there is those perky ones that just drive you nuts because all they do smile and everything is just swell. I have one of those friends too. She worked in the human resources department where I worked when I got injured at work by a 12 year old boy. I had 3 surgeries in 3 months. First to fix the fractured knee cap, second to remove an infection, third to remove all the excess scar tissue that had built up. She inevitably would call within a day or so out of surgery. With all that perky hi how are are you crap. All sweet and nice and wayyyyyy to happy. She would tell me that when she would fire people they would cry, give her a hug than say thank you. I was like are you kidding me? You fire me you better have my check in your right hand while I give you your damn keys in your left. Although, I know I would not have been quiet as nice as that. I mean really What's up with hugging someone who just fired you? I don't think so. Yet, today we talk several times a week. She is still annoyingly perky but I would not give her up either.
I have many more friends like that from pastors T, you know who are, to another M who I have known since high school. You see, all these people are different and I love them all. I would do anything and give all I have for any one of them. If there is one thing I have learned in life is it's all about passion. I used to be a very angry kid at times and as I said in an earlier post I learned that anger directed the right way is passion. I am a passionate person. My friend know with me what they see is what they get. No bull, straight up talk, and sometimes an attitude to match.
However, when one has the friends that I have there is always the right person there for the right situation. My friends are apart of my family. That is who I am. Like it or leave it. I can come on like a busload of truck drivers at times, but I have that other side that I don't like to show too often that is sensitive and very giving. That is all apart of life. More giving than recieving.
My grandma when I was young, (my dad's mom) I thought knew the meaning of life. I asked her one time. I was maybe 11 or so and she was in a nursing home. I'll never forget what she said. be yourself, find your passion and never let anything stop you. The hills and valleys along the way are just part of the ride, and if you ride with them you'll always come out on top. Well, I think I have and continue to do that. I love my God, my family and friends, and the bumps in the road are just temporary and I am happy with it all.
I mean if I look around even at family members I have not been in contact with for years I am communicating with again an it's wonderful. Their wonderful.
Geez, not I am starting to sound like a brash, lecturery, perky person. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! What has become of me???

Thursday, May 15, 2008


Well I finally have relief and things are OK. Thank God!! I am tired tonight so that is all I am going to write tonight. I am just starting to get some energy back and maybe doing to much a little too soon.
I do have somethings spinning around in my mind but not for tonight.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Amazing I get the results of my tests tomorrow and I am not afraid. Interested yes, fearful no. I have really prayed for the peace that passes all understanding. It really does. I have talked to many people who have said the waiting it the hard part. For me it was the waiting for the surgery to get it out. However, after i am amazed at the relief I do feel. Many people have helped through this time, family and friends alike. I am grateful for their support and words of wisdom they have imparted to me. Those things all combined have helped me get to the point where I am now. Resting in the peace of God, which ya kind of have to do after surgery and all the meds they pump ya with and pain killers after, but just knowing even if it does come back as positive the doctor said he got it. I trust him, and I trust the big Him.
So tomorrow at 10:30 I go in for the post op and get the results and everything and we shall see where that takes me. I am reminded of the book by Robert Frost: The road less traveled. That is what this feels like for me. This whole 16 days since I found it. (most of you know what it is) I have a wide array of emotion from panic, anger, gripping fear, vulnerability, hopelessness, encouragement, frustration, then there was and is the peace, hope, warrior instinct to go into battle if i need to over this, and just incredible love from family and friends. I can't remember a time when I felt that much emotion in such a short period of time. Emotions are not a strong point for me. Yes I am passionate about many things and there are times that when expressed appropriately anger is passion, therefore I am the passionate one. but now..... I will take whatever the answer is from the doctor and forge ahead. All the while knowing that god is driving the bus. And that's a tough one for me because I like to the one behind the wheel, but this time and I am sure every other time as well, He does a better job at it when I am just a passenger....

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

In due time

Scripture says everything is done in God's time. Well, I want the answer now. I am ready to say, I had surgery on Friday to remove 2 masses in my left breast. The unknown is scary. I know in my conscious mind that to God there is no unknown, but my mind has a lot of them. The pain medication makes me nauseous so I take a different med for that. I have an appointment on Wednesday of this week to get the results. Yes, I am anxious for the results, but i can make it.

There is someone who I really don't know, that I met when I was 19 she was 15 who inspires me. She is my half biological sister. Yes, I am adopted. She is am amazing person. We have reconnected after several years and WOW am I impressed. Her faith is so strong. The trials she has had to face in her life and yet she is raising God fearing children who love the Lord. Sometimes just hearing her voice makes m feel better. When we met I was young, she was young, and held judgement for some of her choices. Those are now gone and all I hear is a woman who is grounded in the word of God, and lives her life accordingly. She has called to see how I am doing after the surgery, and i know that even though we are just getting to know each other, the people God made us to be, that our bond is growing. I love her so much I would lay my life down for her. I am proud to be her big sister (what ever that means, which I will learn as time passes) I will write more about her later. she has just been an amazingly inspiring to me. I thank God that He has brought her back into my life during this trial. I will be making a trip out o see her this summer I hope. By them I will be off the 2 medications and actually make sense when I talk to her. Not all goofy and her kids and husband will hear a better side of. Sorry about you know what Jeff. Try not to laugh too hard..... It's the meds I promise...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Revelations about myself

I remember the day my dad died in Feb. 24th 2005 and the months leading up to it. He was so sick and almost died a few months before he did. I had moved back from Southern California to take care of my 73 year old mother. She needed the help and I was willing to give up my life to do it. I am great in any kind of difficulty / crisis. his illness was just that. I've been described as stoic / tough through it all I was strong for mom, showed little of my own emotion and just knew I had to shake it off and move on. The day he died I was there holding is hand. when it was over I walked out of the room collapsed on the floor in the hallway, sobbed for a few minutes then pulled it together, walked out and started making phone calls and arrangements. I have been that way ever since, and even long before.
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

This we learn form our dogs

Dogs are great. They love you no matter what you do. Even after you have to correct. However, today I learned my dog is actually becoming smarter then me (Don't tell mensa) She knows when I am sick, she knows when something is wrong with me before I even do. I swear she can smell something like a cold or flu coming on before I feel it. She even knows when I am scared about something as well too.
Today, she did not leave my side at all. She is normally pretty much attached to me anyway, but today was even more so. So knows that something is wrong and would not leave me alone. She clung to me so close I almost stepped on her many times. She knows that there are some challenging appointments I have coming up starting tomorrow and I even believe she knows were the problem is. Anytime we were kicking back watching TV she was right there and laid her head right on the part that has an issue right now. I'll explain this all much clearer at a later date, but for now I firmly believe my dog is a genius.