Just My Thoughts

No thinking Just typing ---

2011-10-25T02:09:00.000-05:00

They say the best time to write is upon first waking up. Well, I fell asleep earlier woke up and started to go back to sleep and now I have thoughts in my head. Since I don’t have a notebook by my bed but do have my laptop near it is going on my blog so as not to lose my thoughts.

Had it been this time last year I would have lite a cigarette and been writing while it just burned in the ashtray. However, the fire took care of my smoking even though that is not what started it. Hard to smoke when you are sound asleep.

Anyway, as I was lying in bed falling back to sleep a familiar feeling shrouded me. Like an old haunt whispering that it is still there even if I you have become better at ignoring it. It’s that loneliness that hits ya. So I was laying there pondering that and that and speculated if that was ‘born’ into me. I was born into the world alone; left to find my own way at least until I had permanent parents. Through the years that imprint never left. It seems to always loiter there just outside of reach.

It’s not like I don’t have friends I do and good ones. I have family, some I can say anything to and not get castigated or be treated less than or that there is something wrong with my perception or whatever. I have my faith. That should be enough. Yet, it’s not. There is something not there. Is it something not done? What is the objective of all this, not to mention this random stream of consciousness coming out through my fingers right now.

For me so many of these questions never seem far away and more and more are constantly added. Maybe lonely is not the right word. I can’t really explain it. Some would say it’s a deepness that lives in me that has been screaming to exit my body in one form or the other. Sometimes I feel like I have lived many previous lives. I sometimes feel things I should not know how to feel or understand. Love of history and my wish to save the world all culminate into this mess in my head that struggles to be free but the words just don’t flow easy. I remember just about everything. Many have a hard time imagining I can remember in detail almost everything. At least the most momentous ones to my mind.

In my mind I always think to myself if they only knew maybe they would understand more. I love working with the teens that yell and scream at you that I “don’t understand what they feel” that is until I would sit them done in the office and very bluntly tell them just how much I did. I knew what it was like to have parents ill equipped to handle me and be sent somewhere else with staff even more ill equipped. I knew what it was like to do only what you had to do, nothing more nothing less. Play stupid to lessen the expectations. At least for them they then knew at least one adult on this planet understood them.

I don’t know where any of these convoluted thoughts are going tonight. It just seems my thoughts as of late have been not only been somewhat reflective but philosophical as well. Maybe these types of things are the fillers in all those books on all those shelves in stores and libraries are made of, the segways to the next part of the story. Which leads me to the thought how do you write honestly about things when others will refute, deny, scold, have a different perspective or just out right say it’s shit because they internalizes it in a different way. It’s a push and pull relationship. I want to but I’m afraid. I want to but I don’t know how and am not good at asking for help. It’s my stubborn independence. I don’t hold on to the past with both hands frightened to let it go, but there are times I feel like I am trying to hang on to myself with both hands; one over my mouth and the other binding my hands. Lord knows everyone that knows me knows that they pretty much know where they stand with me and where I stand on issues in this world. I have always been like that.

Maybe this is the second part of why my grandma always called me her passionate one. She saw an angry lonesome, scared little girl but told me it was passion and if turned in the right way it could change the world. That hardly seems possible anymore especially when I have not only seen but experienced my own mortality first hand and the only one to ever change the world was Jesus and I am far from Him.

Maybe what my grandma was telling me was to just do it regardless of anyone else. They will spit you out and trudge you down but if it is your fervor let it out. People in the church tend to use the human body as an analogy for the church family. Some are the hands, eyes, feet etc… I have always been told I am a mouth. Well duh? Really; quick call the National news stations and bust in with breaking news NOW! Kristina is a mouth!! I know return you to your regular programming…..

All I do know is the more I search for my purpose the farther away it seems. The deeper the echo chamber sounds. The higher the drop and the lower the fog settles. I’m not anything special. I wonder if I have made a difference in anyone’s life or the world thus far, anything that will last when I am gone.

Wonder what this will read and sound like in the morning. I venture nothing but a discombobulated jumble of arbitrary things that have no connective tissue what so ever. I guess that will be up to the reader.

2011-10-20T23:44:00.000-05:00

BTW M & D the new background is just for you. I hope you understand the subtlety?

So it's been awhile

2011-10-20T23:33:00.001-05:00

OK so it has been a spell. OK OK over a year. In my defense I have had more than a little on my plate. Putting pen to parchment has not been on the forefront of the to do list. However, thru some gentle prodding from 2 very determined people here I am.

Kiki

Sasha

To give a general update: November 26th, 2010 at 2:20 AM my house had a major fire. It stole a lot of things but most importantly it stole my Sasha, my mini schnauzer- 5 yrs, Kiki, a Maltese- 4 yrs, we fostered in the winter, Ashley, cinnamon tabby cat - 15 yrs, Coco, Siamese cat - 5 yrs, and Missy, blue calico - 4 yrs old. Sasha was my dog. I got her as a puppy and proved everyone wrong who said mine and the dogs personalities would clash and I would have an awful behaving dog. Give me a challenge and I may just rise to the occasion.

Coco

Ashley

Almost a year after having her life stolen from me I am not sure I have yet to come out of the darkness. The tears are always on the edge of falling hot down my cheeks. My heart has yet to rebound. The animals died alone. Granted they were in the house together but only the 2 dogs were found together, but I was not there. Well I was but I wasn't. I went back in to get them all and passed out from the smoke. (I was told this when I spoke to police officers to thank them I was found 2 feet from the dogs in the kitchen) I was prepared to go with them and see my dad again. I would be lying if I said I have not wished I had on several occasions since. Only due to the sheer grief of not having the lives lost here not having a death wish myself. Been there, done that, years and years ago.

Missy

( Let me jump ahead a moment and say we have since gotten another dog - Tally, a male Teddy Bear - it's a hybrid / designer breed a mix between a Bichon and a shih tzu. Yes, he is adorable and I love him. I got him from the humane society, he's 5. We also have gotten a new cat - a siamese mix 4 yrs) pictured below.

I ask myself almost daily "where does that part of my heart go now?" Recently I had a discussion with a friend of mine and confessed that I don't love Tally the same as Sasha. However, it's not that same love I had / have for Sasha. I can't explain it, but it left a hole in my heart. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-write the message to myself since the fire "...Sasha saved my life and I didn't save hers..." Yes, I tried the police reports confirm it, but the fact remains I DIDN'T. She died without me to comfort her, albeit I was prepared to go with her and the other pets, it's not the same. People try to comfort me by telling me to remember the peace I felt last and know that is what they felt. I want to shout YES, AND I REMEMBER THE PAIN IN MY THROAT, LUNGS, FEAR, TERROR I FELT BEFORE I FELT THAT PEACE!!!"

My friend told me everyone has that one "heart dog" and no other will ever fill that. Well, Sasha is my heart dog!

We are back in the house now. Granted it had to be gutted to the studs and even some of them had to be replaced. It took 7 months to do so and it does not look exactly the same as there have been some big and small changes done but I still see the ghosts of the lives lost in the fire in places they spent much time or had funny memories attached to them; even if the area does look different now.

Will that part of my heart ever come out of the dark? Did the fire write the epilogue to this book of mine that has been churning around in my head for years upon years? Or is this the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to the one not yet finished.

I don't know if this is really finishing the thoughts I indented to convey but I am hitting post.

5 years

2010-02-24T07:06:00.002-06:00

Ok so today is the 5 year mark of my dad's death. Sometimes it doesn't seem that long ago while other times it seems like it has been forever and a day ago. I miss him but I also know that he is in a better place and has no more pain. for that i am grateful! It has been a journey has been up and down. When he passed I couldn't have imagined what it would be like without him. There are times it feels like he is still here and other times I can feel the void of his absence.

He had his flaws. He was not perfect but regardless of everything he was still my dad! I think of him often and ironically there are times I hear his phrases come out of my mouth. I miss his laugh and when I would come home from where I was living in California we had a standing appointment every evening to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire back when it was an hour long and Regis hosted it. He would get flustered when I would answer the questions before the 4 multiple choice answers would come up on the TV. He would say "would you wait and give me a chance to see the options." I just told him you either know it or not. As the contestants got to the higher monetary amounts usually if the got to the 250 thousand mark we would make wagers on what the right answer was. The one I remember the most was from a celebrity episode and Rosie O'donnell was going for the million. I'll never forget the question. The russian writer Anton Checov (sp) was best known for writing about A: childrens lit B: law C: world history or D: medicine. Before the choices came up I said medicine. My dad said no way. So when the choices came up and medicine was one of them he still doubted I knew it and thought it was a wild guess. So he raised the bet to 20 bucks. His answer was c world history or law but could choose between the 2. Needless to say Rosie walk away with 500 thousand for her charity because she has no idea. Well all I will say I got my 20 bucks with the question of how I knew that. I don't know I must have heard it at some point in my life. I just knew it.

He always told me and others that I was sponge. I soak up everything and retain it. I rarely forget things. Not to say I never do but not all that often.

So for my dad the answer is still D: medicine I sure do miss those moments with him. Carpe diem (sp) dad I know I am trying to do so.

Please forgive the spelling and gramatical errors I am writing the via my cell phone while I'm at a doc appointment.

Revision of letter

2010-02-11T14:22:00.002-06:00

My original letter was too long. So I edited it and resubmitted it. Below is the revised letter to the editor.

I would like to enlighten the public regarding a candidate running for school board, Dave Weigand. I find it interesting that Ginny Maziarka has not spoken much about him or come out and publically
endorse him. Is it an attempt to keep her name separate from his so he has a chance at winning? Let me point out Maziarka and Weigand were in TOTAL agreement with the attack on the public library. They
stood together along with Dave’s wife Mary to stop the voluntary day of silence at the schools, and then the districts harassment policy. It is clear that a vote for Dave Weigand is a vote for Ginny Maziarka and the ousting of any kind of teaching student’s tolerance of anyone that may not share their ideals, anything regarding protecting ALL students regardless of religious or sexuality views. The schools aren't the place to debate religion or find ways to incorporate it into the social and education minds of students. Schools are not a subsidiary of Focus On The Family. It is a place where ALL kids deserve to feel safe and protected and be whoever they are.

Maziarka and Weigand share the same ideology as been shown by issues they jointly support. Those who go to the polls to cast their votes for school board must know these things. It would be a slippery slope to vote for Weigand. Our district need people who want to help improve our schools not undermine and restructure it to fit the Christian churches values. One can be held accountable by those they choose to surround themselves with and the causes they support. Vote no on Dave Weigand for school board.

No Weigand for school board

2010-02-08T17:11:00.001-06:00

This letter has been submitted to the West Bend Daily News Letter to the Editor...

I would like to enlighten the public regarding a candidate running for school board. I am speaking of Dave Weigand. I find it interesting that Mrs. Ginny Maziarka has not spoken much about him. Or come out and publically endorse him. Is it an attempt to keep her name separate from his so he has a chance at winning? Let me point out Maziarka and Weigand were in TOTAL agreement with first removing books and the attack on the public library. They stood together along with Dave’s wife Mary to stop the voluntary day of silence at the high school, and then the harassment policy put together by Kathy Zarling at the district. Not to mention the more than numerous filings for open records of library staff, school board members and so on. It is clear to me that a vote for Dave Weigand is a vote for Ginny Maziarka and the cause to oust any kind of teaching student’s tolerance of anyone that may not be heterosexual. Anything that has to do with protecting ALL students regardless of religious views. The public schools are not the place to debate religion or find ways to incorporate it into the social and education minds of the students. Family and religious values are to be taught at home. The public schools are not a subsidiary of Focus On The Family. It is a place where ALL kids deserve to feel safe and protected and be whoever they are.

Whatever the reasoning for either Dave or Ginny not being vocal about their connection but there is one and they share the same ideology as has been shown by issues as the library, ~~homophobia~~, harassment policy disapproval and the list goes on. Those who go to the polls to cast their votes for school board must know these things. It would be a slippery slope and down turn to vote for Mr. Weigand. Our district need people who want to help improve our schools not undermine and restructure it to fit the Christian churches values. One can be held accountable by those they choose to surround themselves with and the causes they support. Vote no on Dave Weigand for school board.

Deny

2009-12-08T23:45:00.002-06:00

Just so none of you people out there get confused, I am officially in denial. I refuse to acknowledge that we are having a blizzard as defined by the Nation Weather Service. When I look outside I see a beautiful clear starry night. The temp is on the 70's and they say is to be even warmer and a great day to go surfing at the beach I am currently sitting on.

I just wanted everyone to know how deep my denial goes when it comes to winter. I believe that sn*w is the new 4 letter cuss word.

Crap Shoot

2009-12-02T20:15:00.001-06:00

It has been one of those days, week actually. It never ceases to amaze me how some think that I can’t see through their crap. How they can start a conversation with you and then say but before I go, on how are you? I am aware that they really want to talk about themselves. Their ongoing problems, ones they can change but don’t because of fear, pride or whatever. When is enough enough?

When do you hit the brakes and just yell stop. I have had it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy to take on this issue again. Especially one that can be change by a shift in attitude. My reserve tank is empty. I am doing by best to keep my own head above water right now. What I don’t need is another leech grabbing hold of me trying to suck more life out of me. Are you kidding me? Get off and give me room to breathe already.

How long do we stand by people when they do nothing to help themselves? How long do we allow people to keep pushing our heads under the water as we bob up and down trying to catch our breath before we get pushed under again? Eventually something has to give. Either they will kill us or we will kick them off and go ahead without them. Let them drown on their own. Do you let them or do you still reach out a helping hand? Or do you just save yourself?

Ah well, I’m sure I am just lamenting because I am having a crap shoot of a day. At some point, it has to get better right?

Whatever, I am going to bed.

Now is the time

2009-11-16T02:57:00.001-06:00

It is in times like this where we find out who are real friends are.During the times we have nothing tangible to give to others just our heart and our friendship. When we are along and bored and people know how to reach you and the avenues of communucation now a days are wide open and yet the phone stays silent, and the E box just collects junk.

It becomes apparent during these times that if you are the only one making an effort to stay in touch with people maybe those people do not deserve to be called friends. I am expempting those certain individuals who told me ahead of time what their plans were. Too many others just are too caught up in their own stuff and frankly selfish when it comes to who they call friends.

This who thing just exas erbates things. I din't get a formal invite to my best friends little girls 5 b-day party because she was not sure if I would be feeling up to it. I just told her ya won't know until you try. She eventually invite me when asking about some pictures I needed to get to them. I don't have the plauge, I have breast cancer. Which is being treated accordingly. I cannot give it to anyone and I don't need to be avoided just in case. I am still me. Goofy, funny. opinionated, sarcastic, over thinking individualI have always been. I just think others are afraid when they hear someone has the big C and they don't know what to say. I say talk to me like you always have. If I am not feeling well enough to attend the party I will let ya know. Just don't treat me different. Many people I have called friends have fallen to the wayside since I told them.

During times like I a have where at times I can get depressed becaue I am so tired much of the time, and I am bored just laying around here. I would hope htat my friends would remember that when they ned someone to be a friend or be with them I am always the first person they call and I will do whatI can to get there no matter the distance.

Maybe I need to create a new gauge for friendship. I don't want to be a friend of conveinence or only if they need something. I want o have my phone ring from time to time and just hear a friendly voice on the other end say I just called to say hi what's up with you lately? I don't want to be the constant instigator of those calls and Emails.

This experience the last few days have beenenlightening to say the least. If you want brutal honestly right now I am crying (which I never do) but I am because I finally see the big picture of who my friends are and are not. It saddens me. I'm lonely and people seems so afraid to be around me like they can catch it. I don't understand it but it is what it is.

I do understand people have bus y lives with work, school, family etc. But it does not take but a few minutes to punch an Email out,or place a phone call. I don't know maybe it's my frame of mind and being bummed out tonight but it just seems like it would be easier to go back to what I know for sure years ago. IF I am going to survive and thrive thatI need to pull everything I need frommyself and never reply on anyone one else ever. Friends are good but acquaintances are sometimes better. With friendships there becomes a certain trust and healthy dependence on. The best analogy I can think of right now as I amfalling asleep typing is imagine a 2 lane raod but 1 lane stops 1/4 of the way. Now I am in the lane that goes all the way to the end and sopme of my so called friends are at that end coming towards me, but the road ends before we even get to the half way point. And they can't figure out anyother was to reach at least that half way mark. If it were me i would get out and walk it, or go off road to ge there. I am a very loyal friend and will do whatI have to to get to my friends if they need something. Just as my friend in So Cali. she neded me and in less then 12 hours of hanging up the phone with her I was on a plane and not only that had landed in San Diego , rented a car and was at her hours. This was 12 hours after she said she needed me and I knew she was in bad shape. I am not asking for anythign drastic like that but I have had 1 phone call and that was tonight and one text. It's lonely, but it is a good thing I am used to feeling that way at many different tmes in my life. It is a familiar feeling to me. I can cope with it. I guess I just thought that I was finally past that and hadsome great friends. Guess that whole thought needs to be reexamined. Maybe I just need to pull back from everyone. It would save me the tears that are falling now, and sorrow in my heart.

Oh well that is life, or at least mine. I don't have he same energy to be the one to always make the contact first. So my guess is even more will fall to the weigh side. I don't ant them too but thatis up to them. whatever, I am fine. Always have been always will be!

Please forgive any spelling errors I am more than half a sleep writing this. Don't feel like running a spell check.

Crazy Dreams

2009-11-13T07:27:00.003-06:00

OK it is 3 AM and once again, I am waking from yet another strange dream. I have to tell ya I have had a lot of them lately. I don't know if it is the medication. I think it may be part of it but as far back as I can remember I had very strange active dreams and nightmares, and when I was young night terrors. So anomalous dreams are not out of the ordinary.

Now let me regress.. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that every time I would wake up and go back to sleep it would pick back up where it left off. That one involved some people I had recent contact and some I have and never would even know. I was leaving a building at a university with a friend of mine that was with a professor and me. Along with us, other students were in the class were leaving the building at the same time. Upon walking out of the building there was a group of what looked like terrorists opening fire on everyone. Let me clarify this was only a dream and did not happen in real life. Therefore, in the dream some of the students were able to runaway. The rest of us were told to sit on the ground and not move. So the 3 of us that walked out of the building together began trying to negotiate with these people because by this point, the police had arrived and those holding us hostage had demands they wanted met. So we were trying to keep talking to them and going through all the motions of our combined training in working with difficult people or situations. I than woke up.

When I fell back to sleep it continued where it left off. Except this time enters the white dog Kiki that I fostered last winter and have again this winter. With her owners, she is a little escape artist and gets out frequently. With me, she can't get out because I have a fence in my back yard. However, in my dream she was running around and barking and chortling which sounds like singing or talking kind of. Anyway, no one was shot and after I woke up for the last time I thought wow OK that was weird. I will say I think I do understand the meaning a correlation of it. Recently I had done a presentation for a class with a friend at a university and was talking about my life and different things that had occurred during my life. My dream was representative of my fears of the repercussions of sharing such personal information with strangers.

So tonight, I wake up after another crazy dream. In this one, I was floating above myself not flying just floating, and I was not dead. It was as if I was just kind of checking things out. I remember I was feeling lonely and was trying to see what everyone else was doing that was so important. Everyone I saw was busy with all of their responsibilities, work, family, children, and all their other responsibilities. So wrapped up in their own lives that they could not see beyond what was right in front of them. Alternatively, they were afraid of all the unknowns so they stay inside the safety of their own bubble. I understand that there are certain aspects of my life in which I do the same. I know the demands society places on people. However, while I was floating around I saw so much more. The selfishness of people, and the humility of others. The self-lessness of some and those that thought they were owed everything from others. I remember in my dream asking myself why I feel so much compassion for everyone and seem to be looked over by many others. I felt like I did not matter to anyone and was there taking up precious air that could be used for more worthy endeavors. It was a very lonely feeling, isolated. Like I was the only one that was keeping in contact with my friends by making the first move by calling or E'ing Very few of my friends initiate it with me first. That sometimes makes me wonder if they are really my friend, especially if it a one sided give and take that was all giving from me. Not all are life that but a majority of the times it is. I hate the loneliness and boredom.

Then as the dream progressed, I was hovering over myself and started seeing myself at all different ages. At those ages, I seeing all the other strange dreams I would have at those ages. Some were reoccurring like my Charlie friend that I would in my dream of course find in a closet in the basement and as soon as I walked in the closet mutated into a huge jungle rain forest. There we would play and climb on trees and play with all the other animal friends in the jungle. You see Charlie was a monkey. Yes, I said monkey. I had that dream a lot as a kid. In addition, tonight I saw it again in my dream but it was like a dream in a dream. I know this sounds crazy but it was what I was dreaming.

Then once again, there were terrorists firing at me and only me this time. There were others that I knew that were watching this and laughing at me as I was trying to dodge the bullets. I knew they were real bullets and they were laughing. Some of them my friends. Than just as I saw one coming that I could not get away from I woke up with a start.

In trying to figure out what this one meant I think part of it was because every now and then I think of people I call friends and the call me friend but it seems like the only times I hear from them they need something from me or whatever. I sometimes question if they are friends if I am the only one instigating and keep the friendship going by being the ones that calls or Emails.

I also think that part of it is I trying to recapture the good things from when I was a kid, and my Charlie dream is a sweet comforting memory. Maybe that part was telling me that I need comfort right now. Friends that are supportive of some serious health things going on with me and feel like it is just me against the world and this health issue. That I have to do it alone as I have with every other thing in my life. I need that support and sometimes just an escape from it for a little bit of time. To just have fun with someone where the health issues are not the entire conversation point. Just fun, to laugh with others, talk with others or whatever.

I will be really honest and expose my emotions here and I am not real good or comfortable with doing it but I am feeling it right now. There are times since I have been going through this I just get so discouraged and wish I could talk to someone who would encourage me. Friends… We all need them. I start balling because sometimes that is all I can do. On the other hand I feel like I am imposing on my friends and don't want to burden them with my feelings. My friends know me as an upbeat happy person who is willing to go to any lengths to help my friends. Sometimes I just get discouraged when I am in a place where I feel like I need a friend to do for me what I do for them.

As far as the part where I was being shot at, at one point I could tell that one of the shooters was me. Now here again let me just clarify I am not feeling like I want to harm myself in any way. Nothing even close to that. Maybe I was trying to be shot so I could feel alive or maybe it was my trying to kill those horrible parts of my childhood. Alternatively, maybe it was even me punishing myself for opening myself up to strangers so completely, and was feeling vulnerable about it. I don't know but that lonely feeling never left during the entire dream. Another possibility is I was trying to kill this issue with my health in me.

I don't know any ideas. I am open to them.

I did write this at 3 AM but fell asleep before I got it posted so the tme stamp is 7 something AM.

If Only

2009-11-07T20:17:00.018-06:00

I'm not feeling very well tonight so I am going to post what has been swirling around in my head the last few days. I have had a lot of retrospective thoughts. I guess that's normal. I've just been kinda depressed lately and I'm not really sure why. I don't know if it's because I have been so tired or because if I'm battle scared and war weary. Maybe it's because I am getting ready to start another round of treatment once I find out if the docs want to do another round of outpatiet external radiation or if they are going to try the inpatient 5 day internal round. I'm not sure why I have been bummed I just am. I am tired of being tired! Having to care for an aging parent who's needs seem to increase monthly, daily at times does not lessen the level of exhaustion. Ah well, whatever, I'm fine. It does kind of explain my posting tonight. So, let the blog commence....

How many times in our lives do we look back at things and think of all the if onlys? If only I had been stronger. If only I would have been smarter. If only I had been or done this or that. I am guilty, as I tend to think about these things from time to time. OK OK I do it more than from time to time. I do it all the time. Not only do I think about it, I apply it. I believe it. I take all of those if onlys into my psyche and apply them to my life and different events. It’s easier to blame one’s self that try to surrender to the thought that someone else holds the guilt. To affix culpability to someone else and expect him or her to accept it is beyond comprehension. For some to garner an understanding someone needs to take that responsibility. It’s easier to forgive others before one’s self even if others think that person in that instance has nothing to forgive themselves for. I am not saying that this is something that all will understand but it is a mindset many subscribe to.

I don’t know why I thought about this right now. Oh well. I guess my point is if for every if only we may hold in our mind we could also ask the proverbial what if as well. However, that too is an open-ended question. Both are questions that do not have any solid answers for. Yet for many they will search their entire lives for the answers.

So the real question becomes how much energy and time will one devote in the search during their lifetime. This also leads to another question. What if one had been stronger, smarter, faster etc., how would that have altered everything that would come after? I have been asked in the past if I could change anything or event in my life would I? Sounds like a what if type of question to me.I have always answered no because the entire compilation of events has shaped me into who I am today. My values, the social justice fights I choose, my compassion, and everything else. Included I suppose it would be accurate to say that because of some of these things they have made me bitter to certain things, hardened me to other things, more alert or a hypersensitivity to thing. With the good comes the bad.

Therefore, it is a matter of choice what to take with you as time goes by. Yes, good and evil go hand in hand and has from the point of creation but we still have opportunities along our way in life to make a decision what we want to carry with us. If we do leave something behind, or as a modern society would say dealt with and moved on that space would need to be filled with something. Something would inevitably replace it. I think that anything we carry with us can be a weight. We always hear that carrying negative things or baggage with us all the time causes us to be weighed down and heavy. The analogy that negative baggage weighs us down. Yet, no one talks about how even the good baggage can be weighty. Thus wouldn’t everything we experience and have imprints of either physically, emotionally, mentally or otherwise, good bad and indifferent have weight? Don’t all things we encounter provide us with a gage on how we handle similar situations in the future?

For example, I do not like to have my back to a door especially in public. Even my bed faces the door in the basement. The interior door that leads to the playroom, work area and laundry room is directly to my left and visible via peripheral vision. The door to the freezer room and bathroom is to my right and also in my peripheral vision. I know why I position myself the way I do it’s not important to go into it here. Is it a weight or just simple self-preservation? Or is it a lasting reaction to past events? If it’s the later, couldn’t it also be a good thing? No one can sneak up on me, and I always see what is coming my way.

So here is a question for you to answer. It would be interesting to see what those of you who read my blog think. Question: Are all experiences good and bad, anything that creates a memory of any kind, is it a weight you carry with you in all you do now or are just the bad things the weights? Can the good things or memories become weighty after time as well? Do the good things create a sort of expectation that everything similar to that must live up to? What do you think? Would you change anything in your lifes history? If so would you do so even knowing that it may alter who you are today or even physical cirrcumstances? What if the one thing you would change would alter history just enough that you would never meet your spouse or even have the children you do? Would you still do it even if everything you love now would be either shared with someone else or you may not have at all? Would you still change even the smallest of things?

OK that is my rabbit trail from my way to cerebral at times brain. If only I didn’t think so much or so hard. On the other hand what if I didn’t? What characteristic would replace that trait? Sorry, I just had to add that.

Time Traveling

2009-10-15T10:26:00.005-05:00

First let me begin by saying yes I know it is late or early for some 3:33 AM. I am having a bad night physically. I am sure by now most of those that read this know I had my 20 year class reunion in August. What most did not know at that time was about a week before I heard the words that altered my life and shook me to the core as nothing ever before or since. The doctor came in the room and gently and softly said she was sorry but the mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI all showed that I had one rather large tumor and another that was not as big. They did the biopsy and again the doctor came in the room and said I have an aggressive stage 2 breast cancer. OK now I had to figure out how to process this. I couldn't. I didn't tell anyone, literally no one. Hell, no one even knew I had a mammo. Slowly I began to tell a very small circle of people I felt I could really trust. I was referred to a cancer care center and I have since had surgery and it was discovered that there was actually a third. The problem was it was growing between the collarbone and the breastbone. Like being wedged in. Now my doctor who is wonderful began to consult with other docs to figure out how to remove it without breaking or fracturing the bone because of the high concentration of cancer cells the chance of them getting into the bone according to the docs would only have given me maybe a 30% survival rate. The next surgery they did it with 3 surgeons in the room. I was terrified going into the OR but felt confident. I have since had many more imaging tests and they showed that there was part of that tumor they did not get. So it is still there. I have been going through radiation therapy and it is exhausting. It scares me and puts things in a perspective that I have never had before.
Now to the time traveling. Tonight first, I am in physical pain, and to be honest emotionally I am not in a good place. I have lived a colorful life to say the least. I fear that if this tumor is unable to be taken care of I don't what my life expectancy is. I have learned over the years of my colorful life to smile and just act as if nothing is wrong. I am very good at that, mastered it. Tonight I am having a bad night. There are so many things I want to do and kids I want to help and future teachers to help them understand kids as I was. Therefore, it has thrust me into a place that I am unfamiliar with. So I have begun to share my life story with future teachers. I did so on Tuesday to a group of college students specifically going to be special education teachers, which I was a sped kid too hyper and smart for my own good. I don't know if it the docs can get this into remission or not I don't know how much time I have on this earth no one does and I have decided that it is time to share my story with those it can help. I have the help of a former teacher which is a HUGE blessing. I couldn't do it alone. It is still difficult. I tire very quickly. It's like taking someone who lives their live at a 100 miles an hour and taking them to 50 mph instantly. That has been the hardest adjustment. There are times I am still in denial that this is even happening to me. I feel like I brought it upon myself because of things I have been through in my life. It doesn't matter if it was willing or not I still feel it is my fault and I brought all this on myself.
Due to speaking to these college students has sent me on a journey that is difficult but I want my message to get out to many people as possible so when they become teachers or whatever they will have a greater understanding of those kids that have live a life similar to mine. I want other kids to not have to experience things I did in school or home. The problem with that is it brings it all back to that moment. The time it happened, my mind goes back to that age and I feel it as if it is happening all over again. Now with the cancer my perspective on life. I need to share my life so others can learn learn from it. I will do anything I need to do regardless of how difficult it is. I can handle the physical pain; the emotional pain is more challenging. Sharing my life story is even more difficult.
My perspective on life has changed and I don't know what it holds for me. Will I live or die from the cancer. I am terrified to share it but I will do it through the terror. It is not easy thank God; I have a friend that helps me through the hard parts. She is a blessing in my life and was in sixth grade. She just didn't know it then. I hope she knows it now.
This person does not get everything I have been taught to believe but that is OK. Sharing my life with a group of strangers let me tell you it challenging, but this person challenges me in ways no one has done before.
I don't know that my future holds, but I am going to do as much as I can and make s much of a difference as I can. I know that I need to share my life with people and as hard as it is, I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to make a difference for all the kids like I was. You can look back at other blogs I have written to see what some of those are.
Maybe it is the medicine my defences are down I am taking, but I feel compeled to share just a few instinses. (I edited somethings out here in case my young neice or nephews see this) I have had some awful experiences with former teachers. However, I have survived it all. Not without repercussions, but what can you expect when I basically raised myself. I have compassion for people more don't. My life isn't that bad there are bright spots, my parents aren't bad parents, nor were all my teachers were horrible only 2 in particular.
This whole cancer thing and speaking to future teachers has caused me to think differently. Life is precious and I try to make a memory of everything that I do.
Tonight is a tough night for me. I am feeling very discouraged tonight, not to mention the physical pain tonight. I put a smile on my face and just continue on as if everything is just fine with me. Even when it's not. Which is now. I am afraid to tell people the latest result of all the imagine tests.
My life is what it is. I can't change it, but I can help others with it. I am fighting to beat this but there are times I feel I just can't do it. Thank God for good friends, a great doctor, and the prayers that are going forth for me. I have never run from a fight or backed down from a challenge. I am tired of the pain and and being tired. I am still feisty and there are days I feel I can beat this and other days that that I want to through up my hands in defeat and just let the cancer take its course.
If my life story will help one future teacher or save one kid, it's worth it. I had never shared it with anyone until speaking to the university students until that evening. I walked away from the college students was a milestone for me. Being told you have aggressive breast cancer everything. I will say that it puts thing about life in a completely new perspective.
When I was talking to the college student it really, it was difficult. They seemed respectful of my life. I pushed myself harder to get the job done.
So I do have pain and but to save 1 kid or help 1 sped teacher it's all worth it. So the physical pains groans on, I have a smile on my face, this time traveling through my life as hard but continue I must.

Response to school district tax levy issue

2009-10-03T22:34:00.001-05:00

To all the proud, No voters at the last school board meeting. How proud you must be. No band or orchestra in 6^th grade, no band lessons in high school, higher athletic fees, loss of teachers and aides, cutting librarians, program support teachers, gifted and talented teacher cuts at all levels, increase in class sizes 35 – 40 and mandatory one additional class to be taught, getting rid of 1 east and west teacher and replace them with an aide. Wait let's not forget counseling services, school social workers, athletic directors, dean of students at McLane, possibly eliminating a principal position at elementary level, all gone without a tax levy.

Hang on there's more beautiful things the no's I am sure are proud to stand behind. The elimination of business and technology departments and all classes go too. Middle school exploratories, world culture and tech ed. Elementary fitness, which the no's can scream about childhood obesity and laziness of our youth but still use TV and video games as babysitters. Makes sense right? Sure, sarcasm was needed there.

The most humorous part was reducing the school week to 4 days and increasing the hours per day to 9.5 to 10 hours those 4 days. Show me a school age kid that will sit in a classroom in a teachable frame of mind for that many hours and I will show you a kid that is over stimulated from hours at school and extra homework demands from it, beyond exhausted up most of the night doing homework or work and homework, plus the after school extra-cirriculars they may get home by 8 or 9 maybe. Now you also have a weekday without school but parents would still be working, which creates a higher demand on the family budget for daycare or babysitter for the younger ones, and more time for the older ones to watch TV or play those video games all day eating I am sure very nutritious snacks that will not add to the obesity issue. I am sure those video games are very educational teaching all kinds of good things relating to all the cuts of classes the schools would have to make. Maybe they will go to the public library to check out all the porn they have head so much about lately, the horror…

Before you go and holler about the schools needing more money take the time to find out why and what drastic measures they will have to take to get it otherwise. Don't just educate yourself from just the conservative aspect; look at the liberal side as well. Somewhere in the middle is the answer. We all know that these are fiscally tough times for every family but to push it onto our children's shoulders and the effect it would have on them in the future for college entrance or employment if kid wants to go into business or the tech industry we would be sending them to college or out into the world much farther behind than other districts. Our kids would be at a severe disadvantage competitively they wouldn't make it past the first cut. Think about that. Talk to an educator as I did, ask them what they think about this and how they think it would impact their ability to continue the quality education they give our kids now with longer days, less teachers and aids, no counselors or social workers to offer student support, higher class sizes and more classes to teach. Ask that educator if all of these cuts are done and they don't get a salary increase for all the extra time they would be mandated to teach added classes that if another district offered them a job with the same responsibilities but a salary increase would they go. Let me answer that for many of them, in a second. Try to find quality educators to come and teach in West Bend when we get a reputation for not caring about our kid's futures and ability to merge into adult society successfully.

Stop thinking about this as what this levy would do to you, and ask yourself what it would do to all the kids. Is $100.00 bucks or so a year worth under educating them? No! Take the 10 bucks a month you spend on fast food, coffee, case of soda, or something and set it aside at the end of the year you will be up $200.00 bucks.

The district did not set out secretly planning ways to 'get' the taxpayers. The district was put in this mess by the state cutting their funds without telling them before this year's budget had to be completed. Pat Herdrich or any other school official is not trying to screw anyone or squeeze more money out of people to spend on extra candy vending machines or so the admin and teachers can give themselves all raises and fly to Europe for fun. They are asking for it so classes are not cut, teachers let go, and in the end, the students are the ones left with the consequences. This is defiantly a NEED not a WANT.

Tidbits

2009-09-12T00:18:00.001-05:00

Wasn't it Aaron that held up moses hands when he was too weak and tired to do it himself? Also God never said to not be afraid, he said do it anyway. I really hate that one. Am sure there are a few more of these to come..

Thoughts

2009-09-11T18:49:00.001-05:00

Have you ever given any thought about what you are to accomplish in life before we die? I have many times. Sure, there are things I want to do but are there really things that only we can do or only we need to do? I do not know.

I have been thinking a lot about my own mortality lately and can I just say it is tough. I mean when is enough enough to just let nature take its course and allow what very is going to happen. I am unsure of that too.

I will keep this short I am much too tired to write more right now but maybe later if I am awake.

Hasta La Bye Bye

NEW LAYOUT

2009-08-28T01:35:00.001-05:00

It's still my blog folks, just changed the colors and layout a bit. Most of you know my fav. color is orange. I thought I would have reflected here.

Do you ever?

2009-08-27T22:01:00.007-05:00

Do you ever just want to scream STOP the train I want to get off?
Do you ever feel like around every corner is yet another crap storm?
Do you ever want to throw your hands up in defeat?
Do you ever feel like what is the point in all this?
Do you ever wonder what the lesson to be learned is?
Do you ever think fine whatever the lesson hurry up and get it over with already?
Do you ever get sick of hearing all in good time?
Do you ever tire of hearing people tell you everything happens for a reason?

If you answer yes to any of the above join the club. I seem to be saying, feeling or thinking these things frequently lately. So here is what I am learning..

You can scream STOP the train I want to get off, but that does not mean the brakes will actually work. You can jump off, but the second ride down the same tracks may be worse, and cost more.
Crap storms happen
Throwing your hands up in defeat just means that the battle will come around again.
Often it really doesn't matter what the point is at the time.
The lesson needed to be learned will never be known until you look back on it later.
Some lessons cannot be hurried they need time to marinate and become apart of who we are as people and learn everything the lesson entailed.
All in good time is an oxymoron. It may take time but it doesn't have to be good.
Everything happens for a reason, which may be true but refer back to crap storms happen.

These are the only words of wisdom I have tonight. I am not feeling very wise lately. More like being in the middle of well…. A crap storm!

____________________

20 year Reunion

2009-08-23T04:25:00.003-05:00

OK folks, as much as I fussed and cussed and fluctuated about going to my class reunion I went. I hate to admit it but I actually had a good time. SSHH don't tell anyone. All those 'good' people in my throwaway series of blogs believe it or not, 20 years later, they – we are all the same. There is no good or throwaway anymore. Now, we are equal. No one is better than the other. It was kind of nice. I talked to people 20 years ago neither one of us would have given the time of day to. There are a few I did not really get a chance to talk to but over all, it was a good time.

I have got to say however, I still stand by my statements I said at the reunion. I was the smarted one there. I managed to be the photog and not the one in the pics… Whose the smart one now class of 89? OK that was sarcasm. I still do not lack in that department. There were so many people I had not planned on really spending any time chatting with, and I did.

Life is an amazing thing. The twists and turns it takes along the way are nothing short of a miracle. I was the one most thought would be in prison or something equal to that, and yet when I walked in and a person I grew up playing hide and seek, kick the can, 123, or ghost in the graveyard with said my name and greeted me, (mind you I was not sure who it was at first) said so many people were asking if I was there yet, and just asking about me in general can I just say I was more than surprised certainly a difference from high school.

20 years later I would not have guessed would have allowed things to be so different, but they were. No cliques, no rumors, none of that existed tonight. No one was pretending to be someone they weren't or trying to fit in to any particular group. There were no jocks, freaks, burn outs, throwaways, or losers. We all gathered together in one room, listened to the same songs we did in the 80's, some danced, some grooved where ever they stood or sat, others just chatted with whoever was closest.

To me what is the most ironic thing is some that came up and talked to me were surprised that I am doing the things I am now. The freelancing, photog, hurricane Katrina runs to New Orleans and Mississippi, work with the delinquent teens etc, for some they were genuinely surprised others seemed to somehow know I was more than most knew in high school.

My life during those times was not shall I say the best but I came through and I will continue to get through. Life 20 years later is not all that bad. Actually, tonight it was quite fun. Just don't tell anyone I admitted it OK? And without a last name, Kathy, mark this down in your history book to remember this cuz I don't say this often you were right OK?

I have more I will probably say about this later, but for now it is 4:20 AM and I have a bit of a buzz rolling. For now, it's time to take off the mascara and all the other gunk on my face and try and crash.

Dr. Seuss (sp) wrote a book I like to give to kids that are graduating from high school it's called 'Oh The Places You Will go' it wasn't around when we graduated but today in 2009 just look at all the places we as the class of 1989 we have gone, and all the places we have yet to go……

ROCK ON!!!!

How throwaways do it part trois (three in French)

2009-08-12T06:34:00.014-05:00

I have been asked why and how some throwaway kids make it through and furthermore make it intact to grow and sometimes even flourish into adulthood. I'll try to explain.

Saying that we make it through unscathed, integral or unbroken would be a lie. Truthfully, we don't. There is no way we can. Some may remain lost souls forever. We will forever struggle to reconcile all that has been embezzled from us either by force or of our giving out of fear of retribution if we don't give freely, to the silent part of us that has been thrust to the deepest darkest part of our souls after time even we forget it's there because it never sees the light until we know beyond all doubt we will be safe, even then others have to work impossibly hard to even catch a glimpse of it. Yet, there is a third and forth part that we need to interconnect to the above. Our intelligence or psyche, and the obstinate or as some would say defiant nature some of have, yes some more than others so stop laughing already folks..

Let me see if I can try and simplify this without over thinking it.

Every time a throwaway kid is hit, called stupid, dumb, or told we will never amount to anything so why don't we just drop out of school, or check ourselves into jail, some that are suppose to love and care for us will even go as far to tell us that we should just kill ourselves so they don't have to look at us anymore or so we will no longer be able to bring shame to the family or the good family name and that it would save the tax payers money is they didn't have to pay for us in prison for the rest of our lives. Basically anytime things happen to us that most say shouldn't happen to a kid we have to allow ourselves to separate just a little bit more from the core of the essence of what others say we were born to be even though we know differently what our true purpose for us is (that was covered in the previous post). We have to leave a small amount of what we think is an insignificant part of us behind in that place.

Let me add here it's not like a psych disorder like dissociative disorder, or schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or anything like that. There is no psychological disorder that plays a role in this process at all, except maybe oppositional defiant disorder that that will eventually work for us.

We just know we can't hold it all at one time so we leave some behind and move on to the next event. It is how define survival of the fittest. Those that cannot do that may not make it out the other side. I know I almost didn't. I was holding it all and it was bubbling, raging, and boiling just below the surface and began to overtake my brain because as a throwaway who was I to tell not to mention as a throwaway who can we tell that may believe us regardless of how many bruises, and if we do we can be assured even more trouble will be waiting for us at home or where ever we go later. Throwaway kids are just seen as selfish, disconsolate, emotionally aggrieved children If we do take the risk and bring someone into our confidence, oh hell, it makes the situations worse. So we stay silent and pray someone notices something so we don't have to say it.

Another adjunct here, we throwaways can write about everything that has happened in our lives in beautiful or really dark prose or poetry, sometimes even songs, make the most spectacular and disturbing drawings and paintings, play wonderful or dank music, or develop our own language or words, codes sort of, only we will ever know what it means, but for us to sit down and say the words as the rest of society knows them, to speak them it brings an even greater shame, guilt, self loathing, resentment and hate for ourselves, blame and solidifies our conviction to our belief that it's why we were born to be the takers of everyone else's crap. Most will never know this but to a throwaway it brings a whole type of pain. Not pain per say but heaviness or burden on us that now we have to stand in the reality of the true word definitions and then see the horror on others faces when they hear them. That becomes more severe, cumbersome, and almost feels more violent then the occurrences themselves. We feel like we are being pounded into the ground and would rather melt right then and there to avoid that. Yet, we also know that if we get the chance to get older that we will eventually need to face that. Again, that is where having our friends listen to our silence is important no matter how old we get.

Throwaways also are masters at compartmentalizing things. This is also part of the separating things from ourselves. We must keep every event apart from the others. We don't like to just stack everything on top of the others. Although there are times we have to because our compartments become to full. At that point we categorize them by type of event it was, what it involved. Speaking from experience here when we do that we actually do forget about some of those things especially if the one who did it we are trying to hold on to some at least neutral memory. We forget it so it won't be on instant recall and bring the 'bad' memories to cloud the semi neutral ones we want to keep. I wonder if that even makes sense to anyone reading this.

As a side note: another thing throwaways do and I know this drives many people nuts; is minimize everything. Nothing is a big deal, nothing no matter the severity is a major occurrence. In our minds we believe this because we feel that if we survived it, than it's just not that big of a deal. Anyone that is not a throwaway kid past or present will never be able to see things that way. To them anything bad that happened to us is a big deal. We honestly believe in our hearts it's not a little thing but that inner voice does not yell loud enough to over take the inner voice that whispers in our heads., it's just another part of a throwaways life that is what it is. As long as we continue to survive than everything is fine and it's just another day in the life. Even if we do actually know it's something is not just a blip on the scale we have a hard time acknowledging it to anyone. To do so in our minds would mean that we were or are not tough enough to just not have it effect us. By a throwaway minimizing everything it makes it easier to continue to get out of bed each morning and continue to move ahead. Some how it is just easier to understand everything that's going on in our lives. A throwaway knows that at some point they will have to grasp the magnitude of things but they can't until the whisper of the heart over takes the screaming in their heads. Some throwaways just may need a little help making the heart voice louder. However, unless you are a throwaway one would never know that.

By keeping things separate we can hold them easier. It is at those points in our life I don't know what you call it but where some force enters your life and pulls some hidden rip cord we didn't even know was there that kicks those nice neatly stacked boxes over and creates a continuous running movie in your mind of everything. That is where we freak and become anxious. Now it's a film and all the emotions we thought we didn't have ascend and we have to make a choice to feel and acknowledge them or walk away from them. Although by walking away from them all a throwaway usually will self destruct in short order. Even if they have to take them in stages that is better than trying to leave them in the dust.

This is where our oppositional defiance helps us. This next part is going to sound stupid and completely brainless but follow me. Somewhere in the recesses of our mind where our self reliance and independence we had to have to raise ourselves because no one else wanted to participate, we intellectually know we are incredibly strong individuals. We are stubborn to a fault. From there is where we have to make our choices once we are free to do so without anyone else beating their own agenda on our already scarred bodies. We have to find our passion, decide what will rule our every thought and action and pursue whatever that is with as much violence, force, authority and control that was used against our every waking moment during all the time we were held hostage.

We have to find a very delicate equilibrium and calculate everything down the minutest of details. We have to make sure that all of the pain, mistrust in all humanity, the hate we have for ourselves and that others have for us, betrayal we felt around every single corner we turned, brutality we lived with and know as our normal and comfort zone, all of that we still have to keep hidden.

I'll simplify a bit and bring it to a more understandable situation.

You don't walk into a job interview or when you first meet someone that has the potential of being a friend, I really want this job and to be your friend but oh by the way if you ever feel the need to have to vent some anger and want to give me a fist to the face because either you or I feel I deserve it go ahead it's ok really, I'll be fine. And since were on that just so you are aware I may have certain quirks that you may find unusual like I may be really jumpy around people I don't know, or large crowds, and I may jump up and punch you in the face if you approach me from my blind spot without letting me know in some way you are coming, I'm sorry in advance for that it's just because when I was growing from as long as I remember and I remember much farther back that anybody I know, I had to endure through some very excruciating things that killed my spirit and soul and took things from me by force that was not for them to take but for me to give if I chose but deserved it every single time because I am a throwaway and my purpose in life is to be your slave and servant here to satisfy and gratify you in any way you may choose to use me, but by way when do I report for my first day, and lets go see a movie sometime new friend. That job and friend would poof right out of there leaving nothing but a charcoal trail they left as they burned the ground they left so fast. That is what the throwaway has to process to keep themselves appearing to be as normal as everyone else, when inside they know they must have a huge mark on them that everyone can see listing all their faults.

So we have to make sure none of that shows in our eyes or little quirks. We have to force ourselves to do things that at the time make us feel like we are going to hyperventilate and pass out. All to appear that we are just like everyone, or at least what they link is normal. We have to be every vigilant of what and how we say things. We over think to such an extreme other joke about it and tell us to just stop doing it. We can't that is another way we survived to bring us to where we are today. Now it is even more important. There are things that are still in the shadows even the memories are faint but some of those people could still actually get in trouble even if we are now adults. So we censor and edit every word that escapes our lips. It also prevents us from letting anyone get to close to that little scared and worthless child in us still lives. We still say all the same things in the high decibels of our silence I stated in the previous post except to an adult throwaway we have to control that too. Let's face it we would be and look stupid If we didn't. It is all part of the balance.

My last point is most people that find out there are throwaways out here are amazed that we have any capacity to love, care, know what Is right and wrong, have a solid moral compass on which we stand, and just basically turned out to be some of what appears to be the most forgiving and compassionate people they have ever met. They can't begin to fathom how we raised ourselves, and are not jaded, or filled with so much fury and resentment that we don't want to destroy everyone that ever laid a hand on us like a friend of mine told me today how "disgusted and angry" at this person being discussed because of what happened.

We can't acknowledge or have access to all those feelings my friend mentioned today. We don't understand why others get so worked up about things that to a throwaway are just a part of our life. It is just another given that things like that happen to us. It is our normal, it is what we know as love and self worth. We know it is better to be wanted for something even if it hurtful to us. We can't stay in that angry spiteful place because if we do we will spontaneously combust. We have to chose what is important and worth wasting time on and what isn't. However, we have to be defiant and rebellious just enough to be able decide ya know what screw all you people! All of you, all of you wretched, miserable, putrid, repugnant, disingenuous, ungrateful, sorry sons and daughters of bitches, poor excuses of a human beings, you are a living, breathing proof that not only have human genomes not only been through several stages of evolution but that huge mutations as do really occur. What you will never know unless you have a highly developed and sensitive ear to read and hear the silence you won't know that while we convey that on the peripheral in the confidential, secret recess of a throwaways mind we will still know and believe with every ounce of our being that we not only deserved but in someway asked for every minute of it and feel worthy to have been chosen.

As to why we love so deeply regardless of all that has been done to us it is very simple and complex all at the same time. Simply speaking because we can so why not? On a multifarious elevation we do because we HAVE to, because despite any of the broken bones people may have caused, type of violation committed against the throwaway especially if by societal norms some of those people had been entrusted with safeguarding our hearts, minds and bodies are the exact people that began the conditioning they would need to numb themselves out and learn how to separate and leave those little particles of myself behind so they could continue to take more from anyone else that may want a piece of them. We have to love because it's how can continue to see the same people and and continue to endure day after day.

The populace that our voices will not be silent for is those that have been entrusted to care for the throwaway. They will protect them at any cost even if it is with our spirit and body. They will be thunderous in our defense of them. They will fight and argue that those people didn't mean to do it. They didn't mean to teach us that the definition of all love is total and complete viciousness annihilation of the throwaways innocent child's spirit, soul and body that was placed in their arms through whatever channels it took to get that throwaway there. The fresh untarnished unwritten upon slate of the life you now hold. That is what a throwaway knows and believes is love. Anything thing that wavers off that base line we do not understand and is ironically viewed as abuse.

It is also an undying need that another driving intensity is our conceded selfishness that is if a throwaway continues to love them with all our might maybe just maybe someday it will come back to them. The way all our unspoken silent screams beg and yearn for and not the way we know it love to be. If we love them deep enough, hard enough, and with every ounce of everything we have in us eventually they will come around and finally protect us, keep us safe, hold and hug us the way we have needed so long ago. All along we know that will never happen. We will continue to deserve to be a throwaway to all civilization and know that we will be thrown right back into the dumpster or trash mountain we had to climb out of just so you could hurt and accost the throwaway again.

Yet, we love also so we can help all the throwaways that are still coming behind us. So we can teach them how to survive through it. So we can tell them we understand their silence in a way no one else ever could or will. So we can reach our hand out to them so they can grab hold to be pulled out of their deepest secret place. So we can hold them and tell them they too will be OK. So we can do for them every single thing that all the people in our own lives failed to do no matter how loud we cried, begged, needed, wanted or pleaded for. So we will not have to look back and wonder if we did enough, if we touched them, improved their life, made them feel safe and did everything we could for them regardless of bureaucratic red tape. That we jumped every hurtle, and scaled the tallest of buildings, cut the chains and protected them no matter what harm may befall us. So that they will know that anything that maybe be coming to them we will step in front of their small, bruised, broken and violated body so that the attack will have to pass through us first now. We will wipe away their tears, even those that run hot down their throat so no one can see them. So they will know we not only see them we hear them. We will take them home and make their life better and not just tell them we want or wanted to. We will take action to safeguard your spirit, soul and body even if that means our bodies get broken, bruised, violated, and more scars form on top of the ones already there. We will fight to the death for them until we no longer have even the smallest amount of oxygen left in our lungs or own body collapses and falls into the grave that was dug for us the day we were born. So they will know how to champion and wage war for all the ones that will follow after them.

It all follows what we know to be our purpose in life. Fulfill everyone else's needs at all costs. Do it all to us, we can take is, they cannot. Let us take it or you steal it from us, let us service you and please you. We must place all throwaways that are to follow into that equation too, so their burden will not be so heavy, and maybe by us taking it they won't have to and may even be able to end up in the 'good' ones group.

That is why we must love, have compassion, come out on the other side, and be as oppositional and defiant as we can be.

I hope this had some semblance of reason I explained it well enough.

There may be more to follow later. This post seems scattered to me and may get some tweaking later. For now, here it is...

In the silence -- Of the throw aways part deux

2009-08-10T18:57:00.035-05:00

I was having lunch with a friend today and we were discussing my blog post from the other night. The one titled Voice of the Throw-aways. We got to talking about emotions and all that goofy stuff.

Before I go on let me give you the picture. We were sitting in a restaurant, I was sitting sideways in the booth so my back was up against the wall, and my legs were stretched out across the bench. I was in jeans and a tank top and having what I think is a good hair day. She was dressier because she was on her lunch break. She sat normally at the table. She, as she says, wears her emotions on her sleeve. Me, I do not. It actually takes a great deal too illicit emotion from me unless it is anger, frustration or the like. The more sensitive or as we, the throw aways see them, 'bad' ones hurt, fear, insecurity, sorrow, and others, well those do not surface often at all. This person provokes me to think deeper for understanding or ways of explaining than most do. She challenges me with her naivety of her grasp of a throw away kid. The phrase alone can bring tears to her eyes. She knows we throw aways’ exist in her head but it hurts her heart to know it at the same time.

Throw away kids have been conditioned to not allow those bad emotions to show because they would always be used against us and at times in some of the vilest of ways. So we teach ourselves how to walk around with a blank stare on our faces, or just plain mean and angry. That way no one can hurt us or take advantage of our most private thoughts and feelings. We already are made to feel blameworthy and condemned for what we do show. If we cry it's too much, if we explode in anger it's too much. If they only knew that the little they see is not even scratching the surface of how deep and powerful those sensations or passions are. They only see the smoke that burns off the top of the stack; it's only a diminutive amount of all that lies beneath, it's the part we cannot contain or control anymore and needs to be burned off. The cauldron of emotions the power of all of them never make it to the surface. How could they if the little that escapes the stacks is viewed as too much.

So we teach ourselves to not feel the pain, you can't get hurt if you don't feel the tenderness of pain. We can't get disappointed if we don't get excited or happy about anything. We can't get sad or grieve if we don't know all we are really missing, and we can't believe that everything in our life is not our fault if all people do is blame us for everything. We can't achieve confidence if the rug gets pulled out from us at every turn. We can't gain success if we do not know how to feel proud of ourselves. We cannot begin to trust if everyone always fails us. Yet, we are afraid to show it if we do something that we are proud of because someone will point out even the smallest of mistakes we may have made to get to that miniscule proud moment. Those never last.

We won't make the first move with anything. We wait for someone else to make it and then watch very closely all the reactions. We can't learn to trust if no one trusts us. We can't learn not to duck when a hand comes up to pat us on the back or give us a hug, if all we know hands to do is to hurt or hit. We won't tell you what we are thinking because we know you would not understand it. We don't try to explain how we feel or what we need or want because not only will it be used against us, but you may see us as weak, clingy or demanding attention. When that is exactly what we are doing but we don't do it through all we say or do. We do it by saying can't you see me? Can you even hear what I am really saying underneath this bravado? Can't you see all the marks? Can't you see something in us has changed? Are you blind to the fact that we are dying right before your eyes? Do you even care at all? Do you believe you can try to love a kid back to life? I don't right now but I would be willing to try to be brought back to life, will you try? I am right here waiting! That is all said in the silence of things left unspoken, but passed along through the eyes, by that throw away taking a step closer to you than before, looking at you in the eyes even for the briefest of moments, a coy smile or smirk, or even an all out fit or rage for no apparent reason. It all speaks the same language. It is the poetry that describes the sensitivity of the throw aways’ inner soul, the prose of their life and their raw thoughts and feelings

That is where the truth of who we are resides. That is where you find the core of what we are. Where all the skinned and bloody emotion, the reality of our private world dwells, and where the foundation of the walls of protection we build are formed. It is in the silence where we feel all those emotions that others wear on their sleeves. They are intense and strong, sensitive and natural. It is where all the sorrow resides beneath the anger and rage. It is from this place where we wish to be seen and heard, but are too afraid to poke our head out of the sand long enough to stand in the power of our emotions. So to break the muted tension we look at you and tell you we are fine, I’m OK. With that you move along your way never stopping to wonder if that is true.
It’s not that we want to lie to you; we have to lie to you. Even if we as throw aways’ have a mild level of trust with you and have allowed you to inhabit some small corner of our inner sanctum and we tell you the truth that we are not fine or OK, we are terrified of being physically touched in that very real and weak moment that our armor is failing us. Our skins is thick and sore to the touch our spirit bruised and aching, and as much as we silently plead for that compassionate, warm gentle touch we fear it more. In that instant we are at our most vulnerable point. Our trepidation is that if you get too close or reach in our soul too far and we will rupture. We fear we will begin cry and will never be able to stop, that our dejection will envelope us and we worry about you and what others think of us at the time, or if our emotional wash out is too much for you. Even in those moments we are still worried about you, taking care of everyone else but ourselves. The throw away is concerned our weakness will be exposed, our secrets revealed. What makes it worse is the terror when it’s over you will walk away from us and never look back. What will happen to us then? We go back to the trash heap we crawled out of. While all this is going through the throw aways’ mind and the silence is deafening we are also inaudibly beseeching you to do just that. Touch us, hug us, put your hand on our back or head let us know you are still there. Help us find a safe place to land to eradicate the overwhelming tide of emotion surging through us at that time. Be that safe place for us to fall if even for a second, tell us it will be OK, and that it is alright to let it flow because all the throw away hears in their head is this in not good, pull it back, pull it back, control control this is not good reign it in fast. I am weak here and am not able to defend myself; I am going to get hurt if I don’t stop right now! That voice gets louder and louder inside until we do regain composure. Look past our barricades and take the chance. Reach out to us; we need it at the time to know if we are still alive and breathing in that second. We can’t ask for it, the words will never surface for a throw away. We don’t feel worthy of any form of compassion. That kind of touch we shy away from because we don’t know what to do with it.

It's the silence that speaks louder than any of our tantrums or screaming rages ever will. All you see from those are the things we can't control anymore. Those paroxysms are never about anything substantial and often seem to be trivial or about something so insignificant to others they can't understand what the big deal is. To the throw away it is a huge deal. It allows them to blow off the stream or raw emotion without fearing giving up their secrets that could get them trouble. If we didn't do that we would look for other means of release and we are usually our own victims.

Those who try to talk to us throw aways after the incident we usually will say we don't know why we did it, or what we were feeling. That is true; we are not lying when we say that. We don't know. Those 'bad' feelings we carry over time become just there. Meaning they may still be there but indistinguishable from the others. They roll into one and no longer have names. We teach ourselves and have been taught by others that our feelings just like us as being humans do not matter. None of what is a part of us is worth knowing or understanding. That would take an effort on their part and energy expulsion. No one wants to spend that energy on throw away kids because they think it is wasted energy. So they don't invest in us on any level and we slip through yet another crack. We fall onto the next conveyer belt of the next person in the assembly line until we fall through the cracks or off the end of the belt altogether. No one looks back to even notice we are no longer there.

Our worth is tied up in how or when people need us for something. If they ask us to do something we are elated, and feel wanted at least for something. After all we throw aways' know from the moment of our conception we would not be wanted. We were born to serve, please and fulfill every desire man or woman kind may have. We don't have a voice in those decisions it becomes part of who we are. Across our foreheads is an invisible stamp that reads we are here for your pleasure all of your pleasures. Please feel free to take and do what you wish from us and don't worry about leaving anything behind for us to grow or learn from. Our lessons will be learned in the words you say to us, the way you treat us, and trash heap you throw us away in when you are finished with us. Proving the throw away kids hypothesis of their life is true. We are born to serve, please and fulfill all people’s needs no matter the cost to us. That is our purpose, that is the job we are here to take, and we know that for one reason or another it is the punishment we had coming or one we are taking to spare one of the 'good' innocent ones the misery and certain death. You can't kill the soul or spirit of a throw away kid when it has been taken and beaten down by those kids, those adults we should be able to trust, teachers, parents, so called best friends, strangers we meet along the way, or even by those we willingly gave our hearts to for love a long time ago. We do not see ourselves as victims at all. We see ourselves as saviors of sorts. The 'good and worthy ones' will never feel the touch of malice graze their virtuous countenance as long as there are throw away kids walking this planet. That is what society calls on the throw aways to do. They say to us in their silence protect the wholesome 'good' ones you discarded, loathed, not fit to be in our presence using our air throw away kid you.

Throw aways’ are saving all the 'good' ones from the torturous dreams that wake us screaming in the night and haunt us during the day. They will never know what it's like to weep from the unfathomably desolate caverns where the sound of silence is the only thing that reverberates off the walls from the abyss throw aways' call life. Those 'superior ones will never have an idea of what it feels like to lay on the cold damp floor of our private hell and scream with every ounce of our throw aways small bruised and broken body for help, begging and pleading for anyone that will listen PEASE HEAR ME, PLEASE SEE ME, I AM HERE I might be worth salvaging won't someone try? A throw away will never tell you but what we silently yearn for more than anything in that moment is a liberating hand to grab a hold of us and yank us to a safe place, protect us, put salve on the wounds and guard the ones you can't see until we are strong enough to stand on our own again.

They need us to be there when they must release pent up emotions, even if it means through violence, we will stand and accept it as our created destiny. It does not matter what form their need may take. We believe that we were born to gratify every whim and fancy, regardless of how evil and putrescent or harmful physically or emotionally their urge is. We will endure it all the while saying to ourselves this can't hurt me nothing can hurt something that is already gone. Let me break that down a little: Nothing can hurt us anymore then we have already been hurt in any form. We grow accustomed to what pain is and train ourselves not to feel it. For example if you have a cigarette snuffed out on your forearm the pain does not last long. It only hurts when the top epidermis layer and half way thru the second dermis layers are being burned, and even that the pain does not last long. Once you get past that halfway point and into the subcutaneous layer there is no more feeling. It is from this subcutaneous level that we live our life from. When we fulfill the needs of others willing or not we feel human, good for something wanted even if it's violent. It does not matter what form the need presents itself to us. In the throw-ways’ thought and emotional stand point it is a chance to acknowledge to ourselves that we do matter to someone. At least in that moment anyway.

We won't cry about it were you can see us. We will take it, keep our chin up and keep surviving. We will not let you know if we suffer, are wounded or injured in the least. That too is uttered in the hush of our voice but is palpable in the vacancy of our eyes and lack of spirit in our bodies. We will not let the normal average 'good' people know if we feel violated, desecrated, hurt scared. Why would we those are the same people that pass us everyday terrified to make eye contact and pretending to not even notice that we are even there. All that throw-away kids throbbing pain inside and out remains translucent. To a throw away kid it is during those times we have learned the definition of love, and what it is like to be wanted or worthy enough to stand in your presence. We feel validated and worthy that we are needed at all for anything even if it hurts us. That is what a throw away interprets as self worth.

To the throw away kind expressions or comforting gestures are foreign but that does not mean we don't crave them. It just means we don't know immediately what you want from us to deserve those kind and soothing things. We don't want you to give up trying to help us understand them but we need you to be patient with us as we try and find your true meaning behind them. We are always searching for the ulterior motive. So when there is none and they are genuine we struggle to grasp it. We try and figure out what we did to deserve it, what trouble did I get into to illicit this response. It is so out of whack for us we assume we did something wrong. At first sometimes if feels like we are being punished when the good soothing things are said or expressed. We need to see if you really mean it or if you are just trying to get something from us for you own satisfaction, and then try to figure out what you will take or do to us to achieve that. We won't give up trying to understand but we need you to keep trying with us.

Some will try to tell us that none of it is our fault. The majority tell us it is, we tell ourselves it is. It is the only way it makes sense to us. For those that tell us it is; these are the same people that are too afraid to share their oxygen because we might breathe too heavy and take something that 'good' ones will need or want. Oh it's OK to breathe but only in short shallow inhales and exhales, which they know will inevitably cause us to pass out and fall to the wayside. However, the majority must be right because their record is the loudest and most frequently repeated.

Those that tell us it is not our fault they don't have the volume to overtake the soundtrack that plays in our head. Their voices cannot be heard over the clamor and battle that rages inside when we hear that. If it is not our fault and we did not deserve everything than we are left with the question of why? Why did those things happen? Why us? Why just the throw aways? We do not like to entertain all the whys because it sounds like pity. We don't want pity; we don't need anyone feeling sorry for us. We need someone to speak louder through actions, but while not stopping the words to convey the message of no blame, guilt, shame or fault. We need someone to overtake the record and be willing to stick around long enough to help us rewrite a new track. We need you to have patience with us. This mindset may have taken just a few years or a few decades to settle in and we may know your message intellectually but that 12 inch drop from the head to the heart is a long one and the hardest to achieve. At times you will get frustrated with us and feel like we are just not getting it or listening to you. We are trying to understand why you believe what you do. At other times you will see the understanding in our eyes and the whys begin. To us the only thing that answers that question is because we asked or deserved it. That is when our silence may be seen on the outside through the eyes, even as they struggle to hold back the Niagara Falls of tears. It is in that moment where the hearer will understand all the things that have been unspoken by the throw aways' heart.

In those silent moments between the rage and being fine is where the child waits. It is from that position our hearts will speak the loudest. Where our truths as we know them lay. It is there where we keep our secrets our sadness, regrets, hopes and fears, it is there they reside. It is that place we try to keep as small as possible so there is not more room for anyone to steal or hurt us. We don't visit it often because we know we can't carry all of that on the surface and it is too hard to disguise.

We long for that safe person to reach in and touch it. To let us know that we are more than our experiences with life. That we are more that what others say about us in the hallways, behind closed doors, secret meetings, or whispers in the dark. That we are worth more than being a servant for others satisfaction or gratification. That we matter to someone. That we are not invisible to the rest of the world even if that is what we are trying to be. We need someone to help us feel safe.

Safe from all harm physical and emotional, safe to let our silence speak for us, safe that if you tap into our deepest emotions and learn all our secrets that we will not be judged for what we did or didn't do. Safe that we will not have to carry your guilt of not knowing soon enough or not doing enough, safe even though we know we are damaged goods and not worth the dirt you walk on that we will not look up and see that on your face. Safe that if tears roll down our face we will not get hurt or hit for it, safe that you will stop and think if this was my child what would I do.

Safe that we can trust you will help protect us once you hear our silence loud and clear. Protect us from all those that are so afraid we will taint the genetic pool of humanity with our kind of shame and diminish the resources for all those that so want to safeguard the 'good' of civilization.

Those that don't believe we will ever amount to anything will never know we are capable to loving deeper, seeing the world more vibrantly, caring for others to the point our heart bleeds, learning how to reprogram our thoughts to hear the spoken and unspoken but mostly understanding the silence of the other throw aways.

If only more people would be willing to be a champion, like my friend I had lunch with today, to a throw away kid by just being that brief rest stop on the highway of that child’s life, knowing they made more of an unspoken difference then they may ever know.

If only someone would take the time to listen to the silence of the throw aways..

It’s the silent if onlys that continue to echo in the throw-aways mind.

If you listen and want to hear our still silent voice you will hear.

If only.........

Voice of the Throw Away's

2009-08-08T23:00:00.004-05:00

Life can certainly be full of interesting turns of events at times.

When I was a kid I didn't dream of a future for myself. It seemed like a waste of time. I never thought I would have one and if I did it would not amount to anything anyway, so I just did not dream. Partly because when I did someone was always right behind me shattering them. It was better to not wish or dream so when things did not come true I would not know what I was missing. I was what is known as a 'throw away kid.' The ones that no one had any hope for or wanted, the ones that people never even really saw as human. We were simply useless vessels using up some of their precious O2.

We are the ones whose job it is to absorb all of the evil and bitterness in people so the 'good' people don't get jaded by the malevolence of human nature. It's like we get singled out before we are even born to be the ones to sacrifices at any and all costs. So we do, do we know better? Maybe. When we are young no we don't, we just continue to take it knowing nothing different. We pray to be seen by someone, ANYONE, but we always just get looked over or straight through. We do what we need to do to just survive anyway we can. In our own silent hell we can't figure out what we did wrong or what we need to do to be loved, accepted, or just be noticed for something other than what everyone sees on the outside. It never happens. We continue to just flicker in and out of sight. We hide in the shadows but scream in the dark.

They don't bother trying to educate us because God forbid we learn there might be something better out there. Oh no, of course not. They don't want us to take those positions that are deemed to have worth because that would be taking something away from all the 'good' people in the world. Why would anyone want a throw away kid right? No they want us to continue to soak it up and be the whipping posts, the violence takers and whatever else. After all we are good at it. We can take it; it does not hurt us anymore. If it happened to one of the 'good ones' it would shatter their world to a million pieces and who knows if they would come back from it. Us, we always do, maybe a little more numb, or separated from ourselves then before, but we come back.

I had a conversation the other day from someone from my past. She came into my life at that critical time where my hope was waning fast. She is someone that does not understand the throw away kid aspect of life. She has never experienced it. She is an idealist that wants to save all kids. She wants to be the intercessor in the lives of kids like I was. In our many conversations she has asked me what it was I needed or wanted at that time. She asked me again the other day.

I had the answer in my head but could not get it out of my mouth without bursting into tears. I wanted to be saved. To be rescued from my own private hell. I wanted someone to reach out their hand to me and tell me it would all be OK. I wanted and needed to feel worth that next breath of air or the space my little bruised body took up on this earth. All those people who said they wanted to take me home with them and make things right, I never showed it but I wanted them to do it. To help me salvage anything that was laudable. I wanted to be Peter Pan; I wanted to be taken to Never Never Land. Where all is good and nothing bad happened to us and our worst fear would be of Captain Hook and Smeety. Where we could fly by just thinking happy thoughts. Where every kid there are ones no one wants and that is what makes them all equal. Or be the kid Mary Poppins came to help. Where we could jump into a chalk picture on the sidewalk and run in a horse race with horses off a merry go round. Or go to a friend's house and laugh so hard you floated up to the ceiling and had to think of something sad to come back down, dancing and singing on roofs with chimney sweeps, or where going to fly a kite solved all that ailed a young soul. Those are the kind of wishes you only get once in a life time. I either used mine too soon or too late. I should have saved it for a couple of years later. It was then my light was snuffed out, almost permanently. I was really a loss cause after that.

Interestingly enough this person from my past she reading something's to me that was not pleasant to hear. Frankly I still think I only heard half of it. I know I did not get the emotional impact I was suppose to get from it I did try though, I was afraid to feel the words she was reading like I know I should have, that I know I need to so I can put it on the table and walk away from it and be able to share my story with anyone it will help. I did not even remember some of what she read. Oh I remembered the events but not the emotions. I took some Benadryl before hand to try and keep myself calm so I would not shake or what have you, (it worked she commented that I seemed so calm) I would not take my sunglasses off, and was more worried about her then I was myself, I was afraid of her reaction to it all. The worse part of it is that think I may actually need to hear it one more time for the full impact to resonate with me to hear the emotions that child wrote about the one that seems so far away from now. I guess it would have to be without shades or hair in the way. However, sometimes things are beyond being able to ask for twice. Even if you do the guilt of asking never goes away. You always feel guilty for asking anything like it's a burden. So you just don't ask again. For many there are dates or times of the year that are more difficult than others. Where the events of life leave you feeling raw and exposed and most vulnerable. It could be a month, or a day on a month that has substantial memories attached to them, anniversaries of sorts. Maybe this year it could be my release day? Ah who am kidding, don't ever be an inconvenience to someone by asking for something more than once. That is the limit. So I blew that one too. So I won't be asking for that help again. Over and done with right? If you miss the opportunity the first time don't expect or ask for it to come around again. At least that is what I was taught.

See that is the mentality that never goes away no matter how old we 'throw away kids' get. We feel guilt if we involve anyone in our worlds. In the murk and mire or even joys and successes of it, even if it is to maybe help provide knowledge to those that might be able to change things for other 'throw aways.' That guilt never goes away. We always feel like we are a perpetual burden on everyone around us. We do our best to smile and just say everything is fine. Let me define what FINE means in the mind of throw away's. FINE = we are handling it. Don't get too close or I'll break, if I smile and say it enough maybe they will even believe that there is nothing wrong with us. It means we are screaming so loud inside and are shocked no one on the outside can't hear it. It's a way of saying things are a mess but we can't tell you or we will get in trouble, it means look deeper please don't give up. It means hug us, tell us we will be fine, don't let our defenses stop you if we crumble just don't tell anyone or think worse of us for it. However, we also know that is exactly what happens. They hear fine and assume it is true. So they walk away satisfied feeling like they had performed their duty of charity at least asking a question to the throw away. They are grateful as they walk away that part of their day is over, now they can focus on those kids who are not a waste of oxygen.

Eventually we throw aways grow up and become adults. Sometimes we turn out OK other times we don't. Even if we do we never lose that mentality of the world taking everything they can from us and giving nothing in return. My motto has always been if I lived off of other peoples love I would have been dead by 5 years old. You do what you need to do for yourself. That has its own issue because then people think you are selfish, when the opposite is true. I don't know what it would take to overcome that mentality but I know have tried and will continue to do so. I don't give up easy. It just gets tiring when around every corner is a reminder of just how worthless we really are. That 'throw away' status is a hard one to shake.

I remember reading a scientific study once that said that infants and children can actually die from lack of human touch and affection, that their brain actually stops growing. I think I was in middle school at the time. I remember thinking that can't be true because I was alive. My brain had not shrunk. Then I realized it did not only say affection. It just said human touch and stimulation. Well, being that it did not define the kind of touch, I figured my brain must be huge. I got touched all the time. Violence is touch, slapping, hitting that is all touching. I could not figure out why my brain was not getting so big it would blow apart my skull. Irrational thoughts from a kid.

When we get thrown back into roles we held as a child, where the responsibility is ours to shoulder. Where we are the caretakers of everyone else's emotions of physical well being, we step up to take it when no one else does. We do what we do not as martyrs but as the sacrifices we were ordained to be. The ironic thing is we love harder and deeper than most ever will. Even those that hurt us we don't give up hearing those words. When they need us for something that is where we find our worth. What most don't know is how lonely this actually is. People think it is so noble to take care of someone older. Noble? I am not sure about, it's lonely and isolating. We do it because we have to. Because we love the people we care for at all costs no matter what they have done or continue to do to us. Why we still love… Maybe because we have to. Like we feel that if we stop loving them that it will permanently close the door for the return to come our way. Like we have that power in our hands to make them love us. Even though we know it is a futile adventure.

Even if after you serve what is wanted for dinner and get it thrown in your face. Even if after your best friend betrays you on such a level that forgiveness can't get past the deep sting of infidelity of spilled secrets and the old record of pain that continuously plays in our head. That friend that has always been our sanctuary in times of tribulation, that place where tears are OK, feelings are understood and comfort is given. Where a hug or being held by that friend as you weep is not seen as threatening to the one shedding the tears. The one that tells you it will be ok soon enough. The one that you don't feel like a needy, clingy freak around when you need to talk. When that confidence in the friendship is broken it should not come as a surprise but it always does. All you can do is ask yourself what you did wrong for that to happen. You want to apologize to the person even if you did nothing wrong just to get back what you had; but you don't because you can't bow to it again.

That is when you look around to try and take a new inventory and realize that once again you are totally on your own. Even at this point in life it is second nature. However, you try not to allow yourself to fall into those old thought patterns of not shutting everyone out, and our trying to make new friends and let them into what pains our heart, but when you go up to the roof and get a glimpse at the big picture what you see is a dry and barren land where there is no oasis in sight, no trees to offer shade from the storms, or arms to hold you to tell you that things will be OK again.

So you polish the tears from your blurry eyes, clean up the tomato sauce mess, go back and make something else and hope that this one won't illicit the same response as before. You try not to feel all those things that the words and phrases of 'how can you be so stupid' when will you ever learn' you have always been a screw up' when will you ever do anything right' bring up from old. You try not to hear them and if you do you try and steel yourself to not feel the burning hot knife that just cut you apart from stem to sternum and left you bleeding inside. You try not to let them get to you, but get to you they do. Yet, we continue to try to love, give and lay ourselves out for anyone and everyone to persist in walking all over you but when asked your response it is always fine, that is what is safe.

You put your head down on the pillow and cry a little harder and relive the emotions and thoughts of the little child inside you that had to grow up so fast she never had a childhood to even speak of. The one with the wishes I could not express to my friend the other day when she asked me what I wanted or needed then. That I wanted to be saved. To be rescued from my own private hell. I wanted someone to reach out their hand to me and tell me it would all be OK. I wanted and needed to feel worth that next breath of air or the space my little bruised body took up on this earth.

Yet, now as an adult you realize just how stupid it is to even think that much less want or need it.

And still…. We continue to love even the ones who hurt us in hopes of someone making the trip to Never Never Land or popping through that chalk picture on the sidewalk and rescuing us from the throw aways. You learn that hope does not spring eternal, and friendships are conditional and superficial and never meant to be two ways streets.

So we stop crying because it does nothing to help.

This is the voice of throw away kids. Monotone, numb, scared, fearless, lonely, and searching for that person to start the rescue mission they can only convey through their eyes.

Oh well, more rabbit tale wonderings.

Letter to paper

2009-07-11T15:58:00.003-05:00

I Emailed this letter to the editor today. We shall see is they print it. Comments anyone?

I continue to hear and read a great deal about the public library not living up to community standards. My question is what are they? No one has addressed this. WBCFSL say they have their own opinion of those community standards. West Bend Parents For Free Speech, also have their idea of community standards. Then there are those that fall somewhere in the middle. So my question is who is going to determine what those standards are that are to reflect the ideology of the ENTRE city? A Christian and an Atheist? A Heterosexual and a homosexual? The city council and the library board? The CCLU and the ACLU? Who? Who is going to fund the research? It really should be up to each individual household to decide what their standards are for their family. Not one group deciding for everyone.
I want to add one final thought. Mrs. Maziarka is not a resident of the city of West Bend. She lives in the township. So while our city tax dollars go to fund this fiasco and we have our pockets tapped, she will not have to pay a dime or shoulder any of the responsibility for it fiscally. When she focused on the harassment policy with the schools last year it was the district’s budget that got tapped because they had to hire an attorney to represent them. It’s our kids that have that much less in the budget for them. She has made comments on her blog the school district is next line for an assault on their libraries. Again it is the children that will pay. When do we all as CITY residents finally scream STOP?
Let me start. STOP!!
Kristina

Crying

2009-07-07T23:51:00.004-05:00

I was originally going to post on some current rumblings in the community regarding the library and the basically confirmed statements made by WBCFSL that the public school libraries are next, I am not going to do that tonight.

I would like to address the Michael Jackson topic tonight. I grew up listening, dancing and enjoying his music. I got his Thriller album for my 13^th birthday from a friend. I practically wore it out. The video mesmerized me. Whether or not you liked or appreciated him or his personal life one cannot deny his musical and artistic genius. The boy was 10 and he could cover 3 full octaves with his voice. No other artist at that age could or can do it.

I watched all the coverage today. His memorial service at the Staples Center in LA. With 20,000 of his fans and all his huge family all in attendance it was reverential. After everyone was seated it was so quiet in there with all those people some commentators called it almost eerie. There was no shouting or commotion. Between some of the performers or speakers there were small breaks and only a few times did people shout out things like 'we love you Michael.' For the most part it was very quiet in there. There was of course applause after the performances but mostly lots of love and even more tears.

Now let me preface this by saying I am not a crier. Especially with things like this. Sure sometimes I get emotional about things if they are real deep inside me they end up coming out that way. However, those instances are few and far between, but when the service started and the gospel choir started singing and his brothers brought his casket out and the lyrics started with "soon and very soon we are going to see the King." The spotlight fell on the brothers and the casket. It was not a super bright glaring spotlight. It was soft and very appropriate for the occasion. Music "No more crying then we are going to see the King." Ok I will just say at that point what maybe a minute or 2 in I burst into tears. I was like that the rest of the afternoon and evening as I watched 20/20 and other shows like it all about MJ. The whole service was his music, tributes, celebrities singing his music, gospel music and more. His brother Jermaine sang MJ's favorite song 'Smile' through his tears and cracking voice. The loss was evident on his face. Towards the end I think it was Usher sang the song 'Gone To Soon' almost not being able to finish due to his own tears. The participating celebrities, MJ's brothers and sisters, his children and other relatives took the stage together and sang the hit song "We Are The World' after which his middle child and only daughter 11 year old Paris took to the microphone with MJ's siblings around her. She said "I just wanted to say that ever since I was born daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine and I really love him." She was crying while saying it and I don't think she did finish before she broke down sobbing and turned to Janice and hug her tight and continued crying. That spoke above all the controversy that surrounded his personal issues and allegations he faced.

We don't know if he did those things. We do know that the first family to allege it was proven to be trying to blackmail him and just get money. The second one who knows. We the public do not. We do know he was acquitted.

I did not personally know Michael Jackson. I just know I grew up listening to his music, ad his posters on my walls, and danced to the beat of his music. Maybe for those of my generation that did grow up listening to his music our whole lives it brings s sense of mortality to our own lives? I do not know but he had something the entire world wanted and enjoyed. The loss seems monumental. Watching all the different tributes from across the world today, Moscow to Australia, China to Alabama, and Hong Kong to New York, California to Munich he was loved.

Many tears were shed across the planet today for a man who lit up the world with his music. He earned it, and he deserved it. What a wonderful send off for the king of pop!

WARNING RANT AHEAD

2009-06-30T22:50:00.024-05:00

I WANT TO START BY ISSUING THIS WARNING THAT THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE!!

If you find it so please stop reading and exit this blog.

So I am going to comment of the story in the daily news yesterday and today regarding 'Book burners' plan prayer vigil.

This article made me think of the short story by Shirley Jackson - The Lottery. For the complete short story: The Lottery--Shirley Jackson For a brief summery The Lottery - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. To ensure a good harvest every year someone in the small town is stoned to death as a sort of sacrifice. Very odd story but a good one and an American Classic. There was also a movie made of it.

When it was first published people were screaming that it should be banned and was an atrocity to the literary world. Shirley Jackson was condemned and ridiculed for it. Frankly I think it is a great story and if you look at it from a different perspective you can draw different hypotheses.

So now we have a book burning debate in good Ol' West Bend. Could it get any better? Yet the WISSUP blogger, Ginny Maziarka, claims that neither she nor her group are affiliated with the CCLU. Christian Civil Liberties Union. Well even if that is indeed a fact their timing could not be worse for her and her faction. She claims she has never asked for the books she is contesting to be removed, which she has. She claims it has never been a homosexual issue, which it has. I don't care that she changed the verbiage of her complaint, it is her use of the word never and the like.

HERE COMES THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE STUFF

Here comes the CCLU. When I read that article in the paper today I literally thought oh good grief here we go... I wondered when I stepped into a time capsule and catapulted back to 1933.

May 10, 1933 - Nazis Burn Books in Germany. So does that mean that if you are blond / brown / red hair with blue / green eyes and Caucasian we should gather in the town square and stone those who look different or have a different faith belief or different moral standing or just basically do not look like the All - American specimen? Wow now that would make headlines. Stoning in West Bend WI due to a small faction trying to infringe on others rights and shove their "moral" beliefs down the rest of the towns throat! I'll go to the quarry and start gathering the stones. Do I have any volunteers for the first person to go? Suggestions? Taking names and making lists... Don't be shy. After all that is basically what the CCLU is asking for. Maybe a noose would be more fitting for them. Or even a crucifix? A modern day crucifixion. Quick call Charlie Gibson I'll get the popcorn and lawn chairs.

The CCLU says that they are praying the mayor will read the Bible which states "thou shalt not kill" and "thou shall not condemn thy neighbor." Oh I love it. Stupidity at it's finest. I can cherry pick Scripture as well. Judge not lest you be judged. Or another frequently quoted one "He who casts the first stone..." What about all the other buzz words, forgive, love, patience and all the other fruits of the Spirit? Being Christians at least I assume being the CCLU or Ginny's group you should know these things, Yes? Are you not to live and walk according to the Word? Where is that? Not in the library issue. Just about as ridiculous as a bunch of elderly people perusing the young adult section and finding books in the stacks that just so happened to have slang language regarding sex, homosexuality and race. That it is so offensive to people in different counties that the mere presence on the shelves has scared them and caused mental and emotional anguish and effects their well being. REALLY? WOW, Gotta love that one too. What is even more distressing is that 4 elderly men are perusing in the youth zone to begin with. When I was a kid they were called 'dirty old men'. What the hell are they doing there? Shouldn't they be reading techniques for better using a computer, or the Internet. Educating themselves with modern technology? or reminiscing about World War 2 or the Korean war? Or going down the list of all their medical ails. Or maybe re-taking the road test for the DMV.

In MY opinion this group, CCLU, like our own local group are professional complainers. They are pushers. Not drug pushers but morality pushers that operate under the guise of protesting kids. They use that argument to garner as much public support as possible, get a community all riled up and then let it take it's course.
The most amazing thing about all this is even as all this crap is costing West Bend money that will have to be reflected in our taxes, Ginny and 3 of the members of the CCLU can walk away scott free not having their taxes effected a penny for all the grief they have caused simply because they do not live in city limits. So they will continue to rack up the tax bills of those of us that do and screw us at both ends. Thanks a lot. Boy both groups have so much to be proud of don't they? It's nothing more than a fascist regime trying extrapolate something out of nothing. In MY opinion anyway.

Now the CCLU is claiming they are going to file in federal court? Can I just say Crap again? What do you think the outcome of that will be? CCLU Vs. City of West Bend mayor and library board. All because they want the right to publicly burn the book 'Baby Bebop' by Francesca Lia Block. I say go ahead. Burn baby burn, but when you do be prepared to pay baby pay. the most ironic thing about all this is that book has been out of print for a number of years and now all of a sudden because of our little city and it's now national debate there have been inquiries into putting it back in print. Book stores can't get them or can't find a copy. Libraries across the nation have waiting lists of people who want to read it. The author has gained even more notoriety. So really all the CCLU has done is shed light on a book that most did not know about and put it on the national stage where tons of people want to read it. I am sure the author says thank you.

IMHO the CCLU is simply trying to ride on the coat tails of WBCFSL and their regime. They lie in wait to pounce on the next band wagon to pass by and begin their rants all over again. WBCFSL opened the door for these goofs to walk through and then they make the statement that they are not affiliated with them nor do they agree with them? Interesting since they followed WBCFSL through the door. The CCLU just waits for something like this to come up somewhere and than BAM there they are. So concerned about our community. They may be taking a different approach then WBCFSL is but both are costing money and bring negative attention to a city the DO NOT EVEN LIVE IN!

As John Stossel (sp) would say at the end of his segments on 20 /20 Give me a break!

Back off and go after you own libraries of which Milwaukee and Milwaukee County has many. As for WBCFSL, you back off too. You, WBCFSL are protecting no one. You, WBCFSL are causing untold money to be spent of which you will not be responsible for in any means. WBCFSL say they are proud to live in this community well technically the don't and second if that were true they would not be doing the press junkets, making phone calls and sending Fax's to every media outlet available with their rants and personal opinions. All while giving the appearance of mild, meek, humble, pious good Christians. Yet when someone reads WBCFSL, WISSUP blog or responses to others the wording can be vicious and vindictive. Yet they will not answer questions that are posed to them when all the evidence is stacked against them.

OK that is my rant for the day. I am so mad about all this that I can't even think straight. I so want to just slam people bringing this issue up and keeping it on the fore front, but I will not say or rather write everything I am thinking that would not be good to just slam it all down on the table. It is real hard to remain respectful when I am this angry. So with that I will close.

"Books are the treasured wealth of the world," --- Henry David Thoreau

OOOHHH Interesting stuff about Library issue.

2009-06-20T08:13:00.028-05:00

Hey folks I got some good stuff for ya here.
So I have been up most of the night because I couldn't sleep. So I decided that I would clear out my DVR of stuff that has just been on there too long and I had forgotten about it.
So I have some quotes from Ginny Maziarka she made to different TV outlets. Most of which were made at the beginning of her complaint
I am going to quote her EXACTLY as she said them. Thus providing with protection of it being said I am taking them out of context. Her quotes will be in RED my commentary in regular font. Here we go... Fasten your seat belt, make sure your arms and legs stay in the train at all times,(roller coaster speak for those with queasy stomachs that don't know what that means.) thank you and have a nice ride because here we go. See you back at the station after the ride...

**PLEASE NOTE: Not everything the reporter or Ginny said will quoted as the interviews are each several minutes long. You may be able to go to that particular TV stations web site and see if the have an achieve of it.**

Tuesday March 3rd. Channel 6 WITI 5:00 PM"

"All the books every book that was in the young adult zone was a pro homosexual theme with nothing being offered on the opposite spectrum. So that concerned me. REPORTER: She wants two particular books pulled from the shelves. Ginny: One is the Perks Of Being A Wallflower, the other is called the Geography Club. REPORTER: She also wants the web site link to be taken down and the relocation of books that are inadequate for teenagers."

MY Commentary: All the books in the YA Zone are pro homosexual? ALL? Wow didn't know that. Ginny also must have forgotten that there are books "on the opposite spectrum" on the library web site.
Now she said on this date that she "wants two particular books pulled from the shelves and wants the website link to be taken down." And this has never been a homosexual issue? Never asked for the books to be removed? Why does the phrase "pulled from the shelves" not say the same thing?
I'm going to make note as I comment on each broadcast at what point SHE HERSELF changes her request or contradicts herself.
So here we have 3 requests:
1) two books pulled from the shelf
2) removal of library web site link
3) relocation of other books

Tuesday March 3rd. Today's TMJ4 News 10:00 PM

"These books, all of them, are pro homosexual books. There aren't any books available for kids who are maybe looking to steer away from the lifestyle, or are questioning how to get out of the lifestyle. REPORTER: Maziarka says balance is needed."

Again with the All book thing and no books on steering away from gay lifestyle. Which I already pointed out already exists.
Lets do the tally:
1) Two books removed X's 1
2) removal of link
3) balance X's 2

Tuesday March 3rd. CBS 58 News 10:00 PM.

REPORTER (not quoting here. She was just talking about the issue and complaint filed and than it cuts to) Ginny "pornographic language in them and uh The Perks Of Being A Wall Flower is one were contesting and The Geography Club is another books. Two books that we would like to see actually removed from our library for our youth. REPORTER: talks more about complaint cut to Ginny "it gives the appearance that our library actually indeed is censoring the books considering the fact that the only material for our young adult about homosexuality are books that are pro homosexual."

OK again saying you want to remove 2 books from the library. The library appearing to be doing the censoring? That's laughable. She only said it "appeared to censoring" Where as it is her actually TRYING to force the library to censor books. Gotta love it.
Tally time:
1) Two books removed X's 2
2) web site link removed
3) balance X's 2
4) relocation of other books
So we have 2 checks for removal, 1 for web site link removal and 2 for balance. Consistency at this point and 1 for relocation.

Tuesday March 3rd Channel 12 news 10:00 PM

REPORTER: Gives background about library board meeting being canceled due to over crowding and the complaint than cut to: "Were not asking for a ban on any books, getting rid of those books, were just asking for a balance of books." REPORTER: "Now Ginny say she is asking for two of the books to be pulled from the collection she thinks they are just too graphic."

Please refer to my first response. Tally:
1) removal of 2 books X's 3
2) for web link removed X;s 1
3) balance X 3
4) reclassification

Thursday March 26th Channel 12 news 10:00 PM

This broadcast does not have Ginny speaking. Reporter Mike Miller was doing a story on the meeting that Ginny held at Silverbrook. He says "The idea is not to ban books here at the West Bend Public Library but to move some, reclassify some and provide what the organizers call more balance."
Tally:
1) remove books X's 3
2)web link removed X'1
3) balance X's 4
4) reclassification
can you see it morphing now?

Thursday March 26th CBS 58 News 10:00 PM

This broadcast too does not have Ginny speaking but a reporter summing up the meeting at Silverbrook and saying "hoping to gain the support (of the people who attended that meeting) to have some of these books reclassified at the West Bend Public Library. Books the couple say are not age appropriate for the youth section like King and King and Rainbow High which deal with homosexuality."

Again see my comments able.
Tally:
1) removal of books X's 4
2) web site removed X's 1
3) balance X's 5
4) reclassification

Friday May 28th Fox 6 News 9:00 PM

This broadcast was regarding the read in at the library that Jake Jurrus (sp) started and West Bend Parents For Free Speech helped promote. At the end of the cast the reporter says: "and today we spoke with the groups organizer (meaning Ginny) who wants to change the library policy. She says that the library withdrew their first complaint so they filed again in April they still have yet to meet with the librarian or the library board which is normal protocol anytime that a complaint is filed."

And than there it was. On May 28th was when she states be new stance. She now wants to change the library policy. Maybe if Ginny reviewed her video tape she would see how many times she changed what she was asking for and why she was told to refile. All of her public states to the media.
OK final tally,
1) remove books X's 4
2) web site kink removed X's 2
3) balance X's 5
4) reclassification X's 5
5) change library policies. X's 2
All that in just a few interviews. WOW!

Haunts, Taunts and Blessed Teachers Part 2

2009-06-18T04:45:00.003-05:00

Sophomore 86 - 87 / Junior year 87 -88

If you thought 6^th grade was bad….

After I began communication with my 6^th grade teacher she happened to mention my name to a colleague. They realized I had been a student of both of them. Not the best thing to have in common. Mrs. K from 6^th grade told Mrs. S that she was going to have lunch with me and she said she might join us. All I was thinking when she said that was "Oh great 2 former teachers, both of whom I was incredibly mean to, at one time in one place. Crap! OK breathe deep. Don't panic, I'll survive." Let me just say when I met Mrs. K today I was constantly looking around to see who was coming. Nervous, Oh ya. Needless to say Mrs. S could not make it. Although, I will say it actually would have been OK. Mrs. K and I talked a bit about Mrs. S and I think I would have survived had she shown up.

I do have a thing with people approaching from the back. That is why if I go into a restaurant or something I like to sit where I can't be approached from blind spots and I can see the door, and if I can get a table where I can actually put my back against the wall and see all angles. I know why but it's not important for you to. It did play into my jitters a bit though because we were sitting outside and people would approach the door from the blind.

But I digress…

I'll give just one example of what I put this teacher through.

I moved back to the school district and back in with my parent's second semester sophomore year. I had just turned 15. I left after 8^th grade and was gone 1 ½ years. During that time I went to several different schools. None of which boosted my confidence that there were any kind of qualified teachers left in the world. When I came back I was still in the "special Education" program. It is here that I met Mrs. S. Ya that was her lucky day right? NOT! 6^th grade had nothing on me now. I was really jaded, angry, walled off, untouchable, and virtually a true lost cause by then. What was the school to do? By law I had to attend they had to take me, poor them. I had been well schooled in the art of pushing people away, saying blah blah blah in my head whenever anyone was talking to me, raising all hell, not to mention sarcasm. Can you see how lucky Mrs. S was to be my primary coordinator and teacher? Again NOT! Did I mention sarcasm?

I don't know what she thought when we were all in that little room the day I was enrolling. She had my file, heard all the dirt and I swear was trying to tell me via her body language "it's OK you can trust me, but I am ready for you." at least that my interpretation at the time. I am sure now it was way off. I remember thinking "ya, you ready? Hang on tightly cause I do nothing lightly. Ah the challenge". That really is what I was thinking. Little did I know how true of a thought that would prove to be in a matter of months.

I had been hardened by a juvenile care system that was and still is a massively dilapidated, understaffed system that was crumbling under its own weight. I was one of thousands that fell through those proverbial cracks that social services does not acknowledge even exists. My behavior showed that. I knew where the invisible line was between the gray and the black. Heck I lived my life dancing on it. I got in trouble sure but never enough to get me into any legal trouble. Too smart for my own good? Maybe…

OK here I am going to get a bit more personal…

I was living with my parents again and things were worse than ever. I was growing more and more depressed. The anger was subsiding. I guess I should have known that something was really wrong. I spent a great deal of my life angry about one thing or the other. So this was a drastic change. My behavior was really spiraling down quickly. I was in the office damn near everyday for something. Mrs. S used to tell me she could hear me in the East office all the way from central hall as she was on her way to get her mail. If you know the layout of West Bend High School you know that central hall and East office is a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG ways.

I had only been in the back in town a few months. Long before that I already had no hope for myself or my life. By that time it had been trampled out of me by people that "just didn't know how to handle me and I was just a bad apple." Others told me "I might as well drop out of school because I would end up in jail for the rest of my life anyway. " By people that were to be there to help me. What wonderful people. Again sarcasm, gotta love it.

Over time I came to realize that I just didn't want to be alive anymore. Why would I if I was worthless, bad apple, even people that were "hired" to care were ruthless. Now, here I am not going to say what I did but I was told by a doctor that in all his years of practice he had never seen anyone do that or more determined to die. Literally doc told me he could not believe I was still alive. Needless to say I didn't die (obviously) but not for lack of trying. Somehow someone at school the next day found out. I still am not sure how, I thought maybe I turned my head the wrong way or something in class. I had not told anyone anything. It would have screwed up my after school plans.

I got called into the office and before I knew it both my parents were in there, Mrs. S and the vice principal were there. Again, can I just say Crap! I was busted big time. I just thought it is not to be this way. I'm not supposed to be here right now. All these people were trying to tell me how much they care. All I was thinking was "blah blah blah sure you care now but it's too late. I don't even want to save myself so I knew no one could help and see how much easier it would be if I just wasn't here?" They just weren't getting it. The office was getting very tense because I refused to sign myself into any place to get help. Didn't want anything to do with it. Then it was laid on the table. If I didn't sign, which by law I had to because I was over 13 years old, I would be put somewhere else involuntarily. I refused to speak. I wasn't angry I was thinking if I agree to do this I could jump out of the car on the freeway on the way there and this would all be done. Or if I do I can get these people off my back play the game of the program get out and I'll be done; vanished from this earth. So I agreed to go. A very loud audible sob of relief went out from Mrs. S and the vice principal. Nothing from my parents at the time. They were at the end of their rope with me as well and did not know what was going on except I was a problem again. At least I thought.

What I didn't know was both the school and my parents had been in contact with the doctor and he realized the seriousness of the situation. Apparently he told my dad to put me in the front seat, keep his hand on the seatbelt buckle so I could not take it off, (how did he know) and get there ASAP someone would be at the door waiting. It would take us about an hour to get there and I did try to get the belt off. I realized it wasn't going to happen my dad was too strong. So I switched my thought process to plan B. Play the program, get out and see ya. Obviously that didn't happen so the rest of that is not important.

I got out didn't go to live with my parents and went back to school with Mrs. S. Even I feel sorry for her now.

Years later I still think about it. That day in the office was a major turning point in my life. I just didn't know it at the time. The sound of the sobbing has never left me. I came to understand with age that Mrs. S did care. As I went through the program and my thinking changed (very slowly) I remember thinking that the vice P and Mrs. S were the only two people on the planet that cared if I lived or died. I had never felt anything that powerful before and from people who didn't really know me. That blew me away. She didn't see me as a lost cause, hopeless, or worthless. She saw me at my very worst and didn't walk away when it was over. Sure when I returned back to school I think she was a bit apprehensive or nervous about what I may do, and at times I felt like she handled me with kid gloves. Maybe afraid I would crack again. I knew I wasn't ever going to go back to that dark, dank place EVER again. I was stronger than I had ever felt in my life. My doctor saved my life literally at that time. I would be OK, still up to no good, cantankerous but now I was having fun again. I knew 100% happiness would not happen until I was out of the system and older but I was determined to get there regardless of the obstacles I had to get through to get there.

Mrs. S saw me as the kid I was, raw, uncensored and probably more real than I had ever been. When I think of the crying in the office it wrenches my heart. What I put her through and that was just one instance but it was the biggest one. I mentioned that to Mrs. K on the phone before we met today and it came up today at lunch. Mrs. K had told Mrs. S I mentioned something about it on the phone Mrs. S was surprised I even remembered that. Are you kidding me? Seriously? How could I forget? I hoped that she had but I guess I knew she couldn't have either. I have never forgotten that day or the rest of that school year or the year after. The lasting impact on my life that sound made I would no idea until I was out on my own. It was the sound of compassion, humanity and sincerity. She helped teach me how to be me again, to find the power inside me. That I could hope again and it was OK to dream about my future again. She made me feel safe if even only for that brief moment of a year and a half when she was my teacher. (This in a classroom had NEVER happened at any point before.) She NEVER gave up on me. In my world that was unheard of because just about every other teacher did.

When I left town to go to college and was a 4.0 student in some very demanding, fast paced classes it was her I wanted to send a copy of my transcript to. I just wanted to let her know I turned out OK. I'm here, more alive than ever, happy and successful educationally, professionally, and confident. I wanted to tell her I made it and you helped me get there. You believed in me, hoped for me but mostly you cared about me.

Oh here we go, Mar you are in trouble. Remember when you said when we were talking tonight that you would have been crying when I told about today? All I can say is thanks. Thanks a lot ya old hen. HA Now I am going. I don't cry but sometimes things are so deep and personal and hit so close to the heart that feeling finds its way out of my eyes.

I just appreciate this teacher so much I can't even tell you. I wish I would have known then what I know now. That is a regret I have. I am so sorry for what I put her through. She didn't deserve it. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but now I can finish that statement by saying – but with the right kid. I have never forgotten that day or her. She participated in changing my life and my perspective of teachers and humanity.

I was afraid to see her again today but not because she was scary or ever hurt me but my own fear and insecurity. I knew I could not vocally express what I felt and that in some way I would disappoint her. Which is funny to me because I usually could care less what people think about me or if I disappoint them. Hell there have been many times that was what I strived for early on.

I guess I didn't realize until today just how much I wanted her to be proud of who I am today. The compassion I have for those unreachable kids. The part of me that has so much compassion for people that need help does bring me to tears at times. It is because I had her as an example I know it. My life turned out different and so much better because of her. I had a strong male role model in my doc that helped bring up out of the dark and shine the light enough and she was the female role model that just helped make it brighter and more vivid every day.

I want to say thank you Mrs. S. You chose to be an active participant in helping me save my life. I could never say thank you enough. I will never forget you. How could I? I am just sorry that you remember that say too. I know it was hell and I know the sobs I heard and the tears I saw that day were out of raw emotion that I would at least live another day. The only other person in my life I knew felt that from was my grandma and she died when I was 13. Then came along Mrs. S completely unaware of what she was in for but never turned to run away.

When I lived in So Cal I had read the autobiography by Brett Butler (actress and comedian not baseball player.) There was a sentence in it that only a VERY small group of people helped me make that statement be true for me too.

So Mrs. S as the tears run hot down my cheeks instead of down my throat unseen except by the wisest of spectators this my old friend is for you.

"For all the times I tried to runaway but stayed instead to find some truth." Brett Butler autobiography Knee Deep In Paradise.

You are a large part in helping me find that truth inside me at that time of my life. You a hero to me. Thank you. I can honestly say I now eagerly wait the day I see you face to face again. It would be my honor and privilege to make your acquaintance again. My only prayer is that after this blog I can A) be able to look you in the eyes and not fear I said or expressed too much that I made you uncomfortable and B) I won't bust my tradition and just start sobbing myself.

I'm sorry this is so long but I knew it would never come out this way if I tried to speak it. This format allows me to express things I'm not always able to with my voice or conscious mind.

Tissue anyone? Boy did this take a bad turn. I did not plan on all this.

They say everybody has at least 1 teacher, well for a blip of time in 6^th grade I had one and a tad longer blip in high school I had another. I had two. May teachers around the world remember that the simplest of gestures, the humanity conveyed in a smile, the sparkle in their eyes when they are proud of that student, the emotions in their voice and words of kindness will stay with their students far longer that whatever the material they are teaching ever will. Those things will carry their students above the clouds and give them the wings they need from time to time to sustain the altitude the rest of their students' lives.

Haunts, Taunts, and Blessed Teachers Part 1

2009-06-17T23:47:00.005-05:00

6^th grade

Ok, I am going to digress a bit during this. Follow me I will name names and give all the dirt..

Let me start this by saying I love teachers. I think they are heroes to so many kids during their tenure that they will never grasp it all in their lifetime or know the impact they had on their students, good or bad.

So this all started when I emailed a few peeps early last week at the school district with an inquiry and comment of sorts. Ok fine, all good right? Oh man… I get a reply from 2 one from my former 6^th grade teacher. Innocent enough right? NOT! She was asking if I was at Badger Middle when she was there and told me her maiden name. Oh here we go I thought. So I responded basically "had you not said your maiden name I would have said that, yes I was in Badger at that time, but I don't know you. However, I can't because you were my 6^th grade teacher." I asked her if she wanted to out for coffee sometime. I hadn't heard anything. I called her a few days later and she said sure. During our conversation she had mentioned that another former teacher of mine was in the office next to hers and they ended up talking about me and realized they had both had me as a student at two very different intervals, Mrs. K (middle school) and Mrs. S of sophomore year and all of junior year. We talked for a bit on the phone and set a date to get together. That was today.

After I hung up the phone my first thought was oh no what did I get myself into. I remember being so mean to her. She was young and only in her second year of teaching. I guess I should say that I was in the "special education" classes because I was too hyper and too smart for my own good; so I have been told. By the time I got to 6^th grade I thought I was "stupid damaged goods".

My grade school special ED teacher was abusive physically and emotionally to us. I started with her in kindergarten and had her every year through 5^th grade. Every year was more of the same. Calling us stupid, sharpen pencils and poke us in the head if she felt we were or were not doing something she wanted us to. Snap her fingers against our heads for the same reasoning. If we said something she thought inappropriate she would hold out a tablespoon to us with either Tabasco sauce or cod liver oil. Have you tried that stuff, nasty big time nasty. We also would have to stand in the corner with our noses in the corner and many times on one foot for hours sometimes as a consequence. If we put our other foot on the floor or nose out of the corner it just made it twice as long. She smoked in the classroom with us in it. Even the principal was afraid of her. We had no advocate and were too young to know we needed one. I was 5 – 10 years of age what did I know? I did teach myself to not be afraid and just know that getting hurt in some way was a given. It would defiantly happen every day. So if I wasn't afraid anymore I would not longer make myself hyperventilate at the sheer possibility of harm.

Home life was shall I say challenging as well. My mom had issues with my level of energy and I never felt an actual part of the family. I always felt like I didn't belong. I will say that many adopted kids feel that way. It is normal but add that on to everything well….. fill in the blank…

I do not say that as an excuse for my behavior towards my 6^th grade teacher Mrs. K. there is nothing I can offer but my apologies. Still, that hardly seems enough when I think about it. Not that I have guilt per say I just did what I felt I needed to do to make it through another year and a new teacher I have for the next 3 years. My philosophy was "cut it now and prevent all harm." Don' feel, don't fear, don't think! That had been my experience with school that was what I knew. I did not and dared not to trust any person in any kid of authority position. It was not safe. Unfortunately, it was me that missed an opportunity. She was not a bad teacher I never gave her a chance. From the moment I first walked in her classroom the first day of school (and I do remember it) It was already over in my mind. I would bide my time like all the years before. I was wild, cantankerous, rude, mean, disrespectful, and everything else you could imagine, and all in a 10 – 11 year old, 4 foot 4 and around a 70 pound body. It was all about survival even if that meant collateral damage. I didn't care about trying to prove I was not stupid. Damaged goods nobody could have begun to get me to understand that I wasn't. A lost cause that was all I heard. Not from Mrs. K but other teachers I did have that same year too. Mr. C was good at saying that. What was one more person telling me that?

To say that to a child just trying to find their way is a prophecy waiting to happen. The people that tell them that ingrain it so deep that is EXACTLY what that child will become.

Mrs. K was a good teacher and she did try with me. She was a young teacher and I was a tough kid. I have thought about her over her over the years. As I got older I knew I missed out on a lot of things that year. I am just sorry I realized it too late. I wanted to say I was sorry for being a big ole jerk. How would I begin? Uhm do you remember me? If you do is it for anything good? I didn't even remember her married name or she was even still around. So while I still thought about it from time to time I figured there was nothing I could do to right any of the wrongs from that year.

Now I had an Email from her? Holy **** I damn near panicked. Called my friend Mar as asked if I really had stepped in it now. She was like no it's a good thing. I was like ya right tell me one I might believe.

Well….. I WAS WRONG. Yes, I said it. I can almost hear the Heavens opening up and a choir of Angels singing hallelujah. HA!

I met her for lunch but it turned into a 2.5 hour conversation. I now know that I absolutely missed a fabulous opportunity to actually allow someone into my interior world in 6^th grade. She cared actually genuinely cared. She didn't even really know me but she cared. She tied to understand. Tried to provide opportunities for me where a light of hope could reach me. Did everything she could to show me I could trust her. So as intelligent as I was I missed all of that. I was so busy protecting myself that I ended up keeping myself in such a closed off state of mind I missed so much.

I will say however, I was still young and the God concept that I know and have now was way over my head. I do believe that God gave me that teacher that year if for nothing else as a sort of respite. I had a horribly violent teacher 5 years before and ended up with another bad, cruel "your being stupid, bully of a man for 2 years after. Looking back I think it was God, NO, I know it was God that was watching out for me even then. He gave me the gift of a non – abusive year. He knew that I could not have endured another consecutive year of that kind of "teaching" without completely shutting down forever. Flat line bbbeeeppp!

I am grateful I had Mrs. K that year. I am sorry I did not understand the grand picture than. I am sorry I didn't pick up what she was putting down. So I would like to thank Mrs. K my 6^th grade teacher. For the time and emotional investment she placed in me. It did register it just took me a bit longer to understand it. You are certainly worthy of the title educator. Not all are.

My only regret about today is my own insecurities when it comes to clear and coherent verbal conversation. My brain thinks faster than I can speak and I know I talk fast. Ya try being in my head. Not only that but I also almost always have a whole other conversation going on in there at the same time I am still engaging who I am speaking to at the time.

Ah well wasn't it Shakespeare that said in Taming Of The Shrew "What is past is prologue"?

If you Mrs. K (6^th grade) are reading this thank you for meeting me today. Despite my own nerves about what you remembered from your year with me, I was shocked that you didn't remember all the horrible things I did. It certainly was not what I expected. I thought I would end up doing a great deal of graveling. I guess you didn't live up to your "potential". HAHAHA I know you got that if you are reading this.

Thank you again Mrs. K for being a teacher and especially mine. You ROCK!

All righty than

2009-06-16T15:46:00.006-05:00

Hello. I would just like to start be saying that my mother is home and doing well. There have been no lasting effects but she did according to the ER doc have a small stroke (TIA) which she has had before. However, she is home and resting comfortably. Thank you to all who email me and prayed things would go well. I did not post all comments sent in because some were personal to my family and not meant for public display.

Next I would like to wish Alderman Vrana well. It came to my attention the other day that Mr. Vrana is rather ill. I heard it from a sturdy source but I do not have 100% confirmation. I was told I think on Friday or Saturday night that Mr. Vrana was in Veterans Hospital in Milwaukee (they thought) because his body was building up fluid (he may be home by now if this is true). I was not at the CC meeting last night so I do not know if he was there. This person also said that this is not the first time, it happened last year as well from what was told. Remember I DO NOT have 100% confirmation on this. So while I do take issue with Mr. Vrana and some of his statements I certainly do not wish him harm or illness by any means. I hope that he is OK.

Now, I would like to say... How glad are you to not live in Iran? People in opposition of as Whoopie Goldberg says I'm - A - Dinner - Jacket, because she cannot remember how to pronounce his name and it helps her remember it. I think it hilarious personally. Disrespectful to him, maybe, but I have a hard time respecting a man who is so vile.

ABC world news tonight said that much of the info coming out of there is via cell phone video and twitter. How cool is that. Technology is an amazing thing.

Moving on.... I have a dilemma. I am going to age myself here. I have a 20 year class reunion coming up this year. Has it really been that long? Sheesh... Here's the quandary.. I was really fond of the people I went to HS with. Sure I have a handful of close friends from then but none from my graduating class. I was not in a click. I play sports, got crappy grades out of sheer boredom, (some may say I was stupid but being bored can bring that on don't ya know.) There are always the "in" crowd, most popular and all that junk. The ones that would "just die" if they were not up on the current fashion. Hell, I didn't care. I was into the comfort fashion. I did not conform to anything anyone wanted me to be. I graduated at he bottom of my class. Which became my goal freshman year when I found out the curriculum was no better than the previous 8 years. Can you spell B - O - R - I - N- G? Can I have a B and O... you get the point.
So what do I do? Go laugh at all the people now? Not go and save my sanity? Or is sanity a past time 20 years after graduation. Do I just let it all go and say the hell with it. I have checked out the web site and I will say there are some people that have confirmed they are going that I would not mind seeing. However, I can call them up. They live in the area.
I pose this question to all you readers if there really are any. What do I do?
Thanks..
PS. I am sure when I get caught up on the stuff I may have missed the last few days with the library stuff I will have more to say. Lord knows I am not quiet about my opinion.

quick note

2009-06-12T18:37:00.002-05:00

Hey... I may not be around for a few days. My 78 year old mom had a small stroke this morning and is at the hospital. I do not know if I will have the time or energy in the next couple of days. It was mild, and no permanent damage, but she does have a history of a TIA. Although some of the symptoms don't match but otherwise yup. So they want to run more tests and stuff to see if there is something else going on as well. We shall see.
Til we meet in the blog-is-sphere again.

Outcome

2009-06-10T16:46:00.004-05:00

OK folks, the ethics committee met this afternoon at 2:30. It was held in a public forum in the common counsel chambers. There were 3 of the 5 members of the committee there. It was said that even without the whole committee being there for this stage of the complaint 3 was enough to make a decision if it should move forward or not.
They went through the complaint point by point. It was done in a very polite and respectful manner and I appreciated that. They diligently discussed every point.
The end result was they did not find any ethical violations. I was asked after the meeting how I felt about it. I simply said I am not thrilled by it but I respect the decision, and their deliberation there of. I also stated that I am appreciative that I was able to exercise my first amendment right of freedom of speech, and my 14 amendment of due process.
So while I do not agree with the "verdict per se" I am OK with it. I repeated to the two that were asking me questions after the meeting that my choice to file the ethics complaint was in no way a vendetta or vengeance against alderman Vrana regarding his vote at the counsel meeting. It was simply about some of the comments that were made in a public forum. I understand that there are guidelines for these things and according to the ethics committee he did not violate them. I may not agree, just as others do not agree with the decision the library board made, I can and will accept it and move forward. I went up an shook everyones hand and told them thank you for their time and careful thought that went into their decision.
I am grateful for the opportunity to at least voice my opinion and respect the decision even if I do not necessarily agree.
We shall see what take the papers prints. I am sure I will have questions from people and am now free to discuss it. I would not do so while it was still pending because I have seen what can happen when things continue to be talked about either on blogs or media and how things can be spun to suit what each person individually believe about what ever the issue is.
So if there are question regarding the ethics complaint I will address what I can. However, please remember that the library issue and the ethics complaint are two very separate issues. Like I have said before I can differentiate between the two.
Sure I have opinions about both, but while the comments were made at a counsel meeting about the library issue it was not his vote that prompted me to file. It was the comment that was made immediately after with about 10 or so citizens gathered around him. Which was my last point on the complaint. That was the main point that the paper missed when they wrote about it being filed.
If you would like to see the complaint in it's entirety it is posted here further down on my blog. It is even titled My ENTIRE ethics complaint.
What a great country we live in hey? I mean we have people that are unhappy with the library and spoke out, and someone unhappy with a local official and spoke out. Democracy you've got to love it.

Library, Humanity, Freedom, Democracy, Peace

2009-06-05T01:40:00.010-05:00

Can I just say something here. I was watching a show on National Geographic tonight Locked Up Abroad. Basically people get in trouble in some other country for what ever stupid thing they may have done there. To see the prison systems there oh my.
It got me to thinking what our founding fathers must be thinking about our little tiny town that was not even on the map when they put pen to parchment all those years ago. I think they must be smiling down on us with pride. Not because the issue is the library or books, homosexuality or even constitutional amendments. They must be proud because we can have heated debated in public places, speak our minds freely, disagree with each other, our government and even challenge our government. That my friends is FREEDOM! It is the freedom that our founders hoped for the generations that would follow them in the dreams they had. I can hear them sigh Ah democracy we did our job all those years ago.
We could be in China. Remember this? BEIJING (Reuters) – China smothered Tienanmen Square with police on Thursday to prevent commemoration of the crackdown on pro-democracy protesters 20 years ago and the United States demanded Beijing account for those killed.
Tanks rolled into the square before dawn on June 4, 1989, to crush weeks of student and worker protests. The ruling Communist Party has never released a death toll and fears any public marking of the crackdown could undermine its hold on power. That's just a glimpse of the article here the link to the whole thing:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090604/ts_nm/us_china_tiananmen_17
We could be living there or under that kind of government where the mere mention of something that happened, or speaking the words freedom or democracy could still get you arrested, put in a labor camp for who knows how many years or even killed. We should be proud even though we disagree with so much passion, we have the FREEDOM to do it.
If I remember history correctly even our founders squabbled, fought, yelled, and everything else while they were trying to agree what should and should not be in the many of our countries most important documents. So I say thank you God I was born into a country with FREEDOM to disagree in public, fight for what we believe, protest against what we don't and in the end hold onto to our most basic similarities. HUMANITY and FREEDOM.
The prime example of our humanity at it's best was when tragedy struck the other view point from ours regarding West Bend Memorial Community Library, and hands were reached across the divide to offer some sort of solace to an occurrence that really has no words for. That my friends is because we have freedom to disagree but the humanity to still reach out to someone who may need it at that time. Temporary truce.
Suggestion: get a hold of someone you have a disagreement with or difference of opinion. invite them for coffee, lunch or even a walk in a beautiful park. Get to know the person and set the issues aside if even for just an hour. Don't talk about the differences. Ask them to tell you about themselves something you don't know about them. It could let to peace. I am not saying agreement on the issue (remember no talking about the issues) but common ground can leads to peace. Even if it is to agree to disagree and respect for their opinion and in any future debates the issue would be discussed not the people behind it.
Did you know that during some of the Civil Wars bloodiest battles the next day when the fighting had ended and the dead lay on the ground all over the place the "clean up crews" for each side came together and helped bury each others dead. They shared food and water, yes they at together.
World War I, the Christmas truce of 1914 between Britain and Germany. One side heard the other singing Oh Christmas tree" from the other side of the trenches each side dug in the same mountain, their opposition joined in. They came out of the trenches and exchanged food and what have you with each other. They played football with each other in what at the time was called no man's land because it was just barren land with some mountains with tunnels and trenches dug in them by both Britain and Germany. Many times just a few weeks away from each other. They celebrated Christmas together. Imagine the site. Two countries embattled in a bloody war. Each side hates the other and wants nothing more than to kill as many of them as they can. There were no orders for a Christmas truce. The commanders of each army did not order them to have a truce it just spontaneously happened.
HUMANITY! That is what I think our founding fathers hoped for us as a nation, a people, and the world. It can be good to disagree once in a while as long as humanity is the outcome.
I have absolutely nothing against he author or the WISSUP blog. NONE! I disagree with some things (mostly the library) that have been said or positions taken on some things but her as a fellow traveler on this wonderful earth nah. Maybe I would really enjoy her. Maybe we would have some things in common that we do agree on. Who knows, if not we will still at least 2 base line principles. FREEDOM and HUMANITY and PEACE.

ENTIRE complaint to ethics committee

2009-06-03T02:45:00.004-05:00

My ENTIRE letter to the ethics committee in West Bend regarding comments made by Alderman Vrana at a Common Council meeting. This will also serve as the only reply I will give either in the blog - is - phere or anywhere for now. I REFUSE to try this issue in the media or cyberspace. The West Bend Daily News printed a blip about it on Tuesday June 1 - 09 but DID NOT include the main point and reason for my complaint. Which is his statement about policy.
I will also say that I DID NOT file this because I disagreed with him about his vote to not reappoint the 4 members of the library board. That is a clear and separate issue.
So below is my ENTIRE complaint. Not fragments there of...
Members of the West Bend Ethics Committee, 5/28/09
I am writing this letter in reference to the West Bend Municipal code General Government (Code of Ethics) 1.66, also Wisconsin state statute 19.59 under the Code of Ethics.
Pursuant to the City of West Bend, WI municipal code of Ethics 1.65 – 1.67 paying special attention to statute 1.66, it is my belief that Alderman Vrana is in violation of this ordinance.
1.66 RESPONSIBILITY OF PUBLIC OFFICE:
Public officials and employees are agents of public purpose and hold office for the benefits of the public. They are bound to uphold the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this State and carry out impartially the laws of the nation, State and the City and to observe in their official acts the highest standards of morality and to discharge faithfully the duties of their office regardless of personal considerations, recognizing that the public interest must be in their prime concern. Their conduct in both their official and private affairs should be above reproach so as to foster respect for all government.

Alderman Vrana made public statements at the council meeting on April 21st of which I provided a DVD copy from the West Bend TV Studio located in City Hall. There have been numerous newspaper articles quoting him that can be provided at your request.
His statements include but are not limited to:
· Comparing the West Bend public library to a “porn shop” due to a small selection of books in the young adult section with homosexual themes. This statement was followed by a reference to the city ordinance banning selling of pornographic material within 1000 feet of a school. “I believe the library is within 1000 feet of a school.” These same books have been approved for the age group by the American Library Association (ALA) as having literary merit.
· When asked at the April 21st CC meeting while answering a question posed to him by the mayor if he would only approve of someone who holds his same philosophy, his reply was “that is my right.” Referencing the First amendment of the Constitution of the United States. Thus he verbally confirmed his vote would be in opposition of 1.66 RESPONSIBILITY OF PUBLIC OFFICE and discharging faithfully the duties of their offices regardless of personal considerations, recognizing that the public interest must be in their prime concern.
· Also at the CC meeting on April 21st. he stated “I’m concerned about the morality of this city.” This statement seems to suggest his personal opinion about the homosexual themed books in the public library is immoral. Here again, it is his personal opinion and not necessarily that of the majority in the city or even his own jurisdiction, but leaning more towards those who filed the complaint against the library. Again another violation of injecting personal opinion.
· At a later date he was quoted in the Daily News regarding the policy and procedures the library board must follow for all complaints. Alderman Vrana stated “I don’t care what policy is I want those books out of there.” Again a clear violation of the same section noted above.

If a city alderman is entrusted as a representative of West Bend and elected to uphold all of the cities policies and procedures but does not have respect for other agencies policies and procedures how can that person be trusted to uphold the policies he is to safeguard. That he will not invoke the same personal philosophy of not caring what the policies are and pursue his own agenda of what he feels is correct; regardless of what the majority may deem appropriate or having the public interest as his prime concern.
The above are a small list of statements that he has made publicly regarding this issue. According to 1.66 RESPONSIBILITY OF PUBLIC OFFICE their conduct in both their official and private affairs should be above reproach so as to foster respect for all government. Alderman Vrana’s conduct has not followed that code as it is written.
I believe Mr. Vrana’s actions demonstrate that in his official duties in this specific issue regarding the West Bend Library controversy, that 1) he did not act in an independent, impartial manner that was responsible to the people, 2) his conduct did not re-enforce the public's confidence in the integrity of the city government, 3) he used his aldermanic position to purport his personal philosophy not that of the city as a whole.
Therefore, I am requesting that a formal investigation be made by the ethics committee regarding this matter and appropriate measures be taken to rectify this.

Respectfully,

Kristina
( I left out my last name, address and phone number on this blog because it is not needed for this post. It was included in the complaint filed and it was notarized by a legal notary.)

A little thing called 14th Amendment

2009-05-11T02:24:00.005-05:00

I would like to purpose a little history lesson here on the law. iIt has been a while for many of as far as school is concerned. We are so focused on the freedom to speak that we forget other things along the way. So here is yet another tiny morsel or our great country.

Now this may not sound practical here but this one can also be used. For either side of this issue. Here is where we get into due process, equal rights, etc. Yes, it speaks primarily of Civil War issues and added after the north won, but many of it's principals can be applied to the library issue as well. Both sides are to have the right to due processTcomplaintants are trying to menuvure through that now. The debate is did they or do they need to re - file for clarification purposes? All I know is what the law entitles both side to.

The Fourteenth Amendment (Amendment XIV) to the United States Constitution was one of the amendments enacted after the Civil War. This amendment was one of the Reconstruction Amendments, along with the Thirteenth and Fifteenth Amendments. It was adopted on July 9, 1868.
The amendment provides a broad definition of citizenship, overruling Dred Scott v. Sandford (1857) which had excluded slaves and their descendants from possessing Constitutional rights. The amendment requires states to provide equal protection under the law to all people within their jurisdictions and was used in the mid-20th century to dismantle racial segregation in the United States, as in Brown v. Board of Education (1954). Its Due Process Clause has been used to apply most of the Bill of Rights to the states. This clause has also been used to create: (1) substantive due process rights, such as parental and marriage rights; and (2) procedural due process rights requiring that certain steps, such as a hearing, be followed before a person's property interest can be taken away. The amendment also includes a number of clauses dealing with former slaves and Confederate states, but these clauses are either little-used or have been supplanted by subsequent changes in the law.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteenth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

Just one First Amendment example

2009-05-11T02:20:00.006-05:00

A Book Named "John Cleland's Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure" v. Attorney General of Massachusetts
APPEAL FROM THE SUPREME JUDICIAL COURT OF MASSACHUSETTS
No. 368 Argued: December 7-8, 1965 --- Decided: March 21, 1966
Appellee, the Attorney General of Massachusetts, brought this civil equity action for an adjudication of obscenity of Cleland's Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (Fanny Hill), and appellant publisher intervened. Following a hearing, including expert testimony and other evidence, assessing the book's character but not the mode of distribution, the trial court decreed the book obscene and not entitled to the protection of the First and Fourteenth Amendments. The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court affirmed, holding that a patently offensive book which appeals to prurient interest need not be unqualifiedly worthless before it can be deemed obscene.
Held: The judgment is reversed. Pp. 415-433.
MR. JUSTICE BRENNAN, joined by THE CHIEF JUSTICE and MR. JUSTICE FORTAS, concluded that:
1. Under the test in Roth v. United States, 354 U.S. 476, as elaborated in subsequent cases, each of three elements must independently be satisfied before a book can be held obscene: (a) the dominant theme of the material taken as a whole appeals to a prurient interest in sex; (b) the material is patently offensive because it affronts contemporary community standards relating to the description or representation of sexual matters, and (c) the material is utterly without redeeming social value. P. 418.
2. Since a book cannot be proscribed as obscene unless found to be utterly without redeeming social value, the Supreme Judicial Court erroneously interpreted the federal constitutional standard. Pp. 419-420.
3. On the premise, not assessed here, that it has the requisite prurient appeal, is patently offensive, and has only a modicum of social importance, evidence of commercial exploitation of the book for the sake of prurient appeal to the exclusion of all other values [p414] might in different proceeding justify the conclusion that the publication and distribution of Memoirs was not constitutionally protected. Ginzburg v. United States, post, p. 463. Pp. 420-421.
MR. JUSTICE BLACK and MR. JUSTICE STEWART concur in the reversal for the reasons given in their respective dissenting opinions in Ginzburg v. United States, post, p. 476 and p. 497 and Mishkin v. New York, post, p. 515 and p. 518. P. 421.
MR JUSTICE DOUGLAS concluded that:
1. Since the First Amendment forbids censorship of expression of ideas not linked with illegal action, Fanny Hill cannot be proscribed. Pp. 426; 427-433.
2. Even under the prevailing view of the Roth test the book cannot be held to be obscene in view of substantial evidence showing that it has literary, historical, and social importance. P. 426.
3. Since there is no power under the First Amendment to control mere expression, the manner in which a book that concededly has social worth is advertised and sold is irrelevant. P. 427.
4. There is no basis in history for the view expressed in Roth that "obscene" speech is "outside" the protection of the First Amendment. Pp. 428-431.
5. No interest of society justifies overriding the guarantees of free speech and press and establishing a regime of censorship. Pp. 431-433.

Law and the Library A Christians perspective

2009-05-11T00:08:00.026-05:00

Hang on this is a long one.
OK, it's my turn on my blog to speak some thoughts regarding some issues going on here in my small middle American town. We have not been under a negative spot light for anything until now. Yes, we are a suburb of Milwaukee that has in the past hit a great deal of negative number ones. For instance in the mid to late eighties I think I remember hearing that Milwaukee was number one for the national teenage pregnancy rate. So maybe we were in the shadow of that for a bit.

However, now in the 21st. century my little town is embattled in a constitutional tug if war. So what is the amendment being challenged? What else free speech. Yes, I know that we hear that a lot. However, this is one is really an all or nothing.

There is a local couple that filed a complaint against our little local public library. Stating that they have pornography on the shelves. What they are pointing to are books in the young adult section, on a total different level of the building also where the adult section is and a level away from the children's books. These are books written towards the LGBT youth. In case you do not know what that is it's a label and classification for youth that proclaim they are gay.

OK, now let me say I have said from the beginning that I do not agree with the mentality or behavior of those who engage in the boundaries of the homosexual lifestyle.

I wrote a letter to the editor of the paper (which I will put below this post.) In a nut shell I voiced my opinion that the action this couple took is something I do not agree with. I wrote in support of our library. It is there for everyone not only for those who espouse to be christian. I say this simply because after my letter ran I began to receive horrible phone calls at home. Attacking me as a Christian, threatening myself and my 78 year old mother. Calling me horrible names and telling me I am going to hell. This was all done under the banner that the callers were Christians. I had to turn ringers off of phones so she would not to hear many of the things that I heard.

So now there are two factions in our city. The couple that filed the complaint and her group, and the other side fighting for free speech. Here in lays the entire debate. I will say I have followed blogs and comments on both sides. The complainants were loud enough that our city counsel (our government) did not re-seat 4 members of the library board that were up for reconsideration for another term. They are nominated by the mayor. The counsel spoke out and said no to these 4. Stating their own opinions about the issue and not knowing all the facts of positions of those in the jurisdictions they represent. My opinion there. They said they are upset that the library board has stalled and drug this issue out as long as they have. The history and time line of the complaint speaks for itself.

Well OK now let me say there is a process that all complaints that get filed with the library must go through. It's a 3 step process. Meetings with the library director and I can't remember who else, and the 3rd step is taking it to the board which in turn is or can be a public forum. We got to the 3rd stage and the board meeting. It was so well attended that the fire marshal had to cancel the meeting because the room was over capacity and in violation of the fire code. Mind you this was after the meeting had been moved twice to larger venues.

The complainants since then have continued to be very vocal. They may not even realize that they have changed their position and argument at least in public several times. First remove the books completely from the shelves and building. To no, lets add books to balance out the gay issue, (that I did agree with adding books not taking away) and then after several more turns to now they want the library to change it's policy and to move them to adult section, and create a labeling system where minors cannot check them out without parental approval. Even though the National Library Association has already cleared these for the young adult section.

Now, let me say I have not changed my position. However, what I will say is there have been disappointing moments in this battle on both sides. There have been so many personal attacks on the both side of the aisle. I too have even lobbed a few in the beginning out of sheer anger, but offer that as no excuse. For that I do apologize. However, since that time I have come to realize that there is no need for personal attacks against the opposition when one has the precedent of a very thoroughly challenged law on their side.

While this is not a popular stance from the Christian perspective if one stands back and looks at the bigger picture they will understand that is the same argument that protects them as well.

In case you don't know the First Amendment of The United States guarantees free speech. Now this can get touchy but follow me through if you will. I am not fighting for or against the gay issue. I have put that to rest. Everyone knows where I stand on that one that is clear. I stand on my countries promise. If these books are moved, removed, or censored via labeling or regulating via parental consent than there will need to be people hired to go through every book on the shelves and red line anything that can be objectionable to anyone. Who will that be? Who will decide what is cleared or not? Will it be a Christian and an atheist? You get the point there. Every single book in that building someone can find something objectionable in them. So that is not logical.

Also, if these books are reclassified and the complainants are successful then what will be next? Will the people that oppose Christianity (remember the guy who went public filing a civil case with the supreme court stating he is an atheist and does not want his daughter to be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at the beginning of her school day because it says under God?) Do you see there this is going now? If someone came in and filed a complaint that the Bible offends them, books regarding all faiths are offensive and wanted them removed. Even is they used the separation of church and state argument if the current complainants succeed there would be no legal grounds to keep the Bible and other books there. They would use this circumstance against us and win. At that point what books do we have left? You know that someone would end up testing the precedent this would set. That can't happen.

If people took a step back and looked into the future they would see that legally there is no grounds for this. Morally OK there may be a point but who is he final judge on that? God - CORRECT! not man! These books are not pornography. They are novels written for youth.

I will say one of my issues besides the legality of this is those that say this is not a gay issue. Unfortunately that is exactly what some people on both sides have made it to be. Not to mention what is the "christian" example being set for the youth to make church welcoming to them so they are given the opportunity to re - examine their choices if they want? Why are people not taking into consideration we are talking about teenagers whose frontal lobe of the brain has not reach full development and thus they have no concept of long term consequence of their immediate behavior? If you doubt that research it. It is fact. As teens all they know is they want it and want it now. Think about what you thought you believed as a teen? Have you ever done something stupid in your youth that you look back on now and wonder what you were thinking? Lord knows I have. Too many to count, I gave up that venture.

Not to mention many people scream that they want the government to stop telling them how to raise their own children. Yet, these are the same faction that are now asking the government to help "protect" all children. One voice or opinion should not have the authority to tell others how to raise their children. Or what morals or values they should install in them. That is nobodies place but the parents of said child, children.

At what point do we look at the parents and say we understand with the economy both parents must work but you choose to be parents. You made that decision. You have a responsibility to them to teach them according to your own values and beliefs in God, Allah, Buddha, whatever. I choose Christ. You have to know that when it comes time to turn your baby out into the world to begin their own lives independent of the parents you know you have done the very best you could and now they need to stand in the world on their own. We throw our kids out into the world some for the first time when they go to college and we hope and pray we have done our jobs. Parents no matter how many times you teen tunes you out, ignores what you say, your words are still going into their minds. They really do register them and you really are your child's best compass into adulthood. Peers are important but studies have shown that when it comes to many of the big choices in life children pull from their experiences and what they have been taught by parents or other strong authority figures in their lives. It's true. Trust your kids, believe in them, have faith in them and yourselves. Yes, children falter and make poor choices from time to time, but they will learn. You will still be there to help them and clarify things for them as they learn to navigate things for themselves. It will be the voice of the parents that will whisper ever so softly in their ear "No, don't do that." or whatever.

I also wonder at what point is far enough for someone to yell stop, think about what you are asking for. If the constitution protects the freedom of speech within the parameters of law, (you can't yell fire in a crowded theater, or threaten any ones life to name a few) than it is there for EVERYONE! It is at that point where the individual has to make a choice to read those books or not. I choose not to. That is part of God's plan by not making us robots that automatically follow Him. We have to make that choice on our own, and teach our biggest commodities for the future, the children, the same.

If these complainants succeed we as Christians will also loose our right to freedom of expression. So now it is time to take a stand. I stand on the law of the land and God's word. I choose not to read material that would not please the one who died for me. Educate educate educate your children. Trust your children and have faith in them to make the decisions in their lives that would also please Him if that if your values. Know that the First Amendment is not a simple excuse for smut. Think of it as an avenue that will allow future generations to go to a library and look at a Bible, research their faith, look at a concordance, read books about their faith. It is there to protect our lifestyle and beliefs as well.

Don't attack the people you disagree with look at the issue and choose a position. We are not living in the 50's anymore. Kids have access to all kinds of things we need to talk more to our children than ever before. It really is quality over quantity.

The following is simply a very small example of cases that has been fought some in lower courts most in at least a state supreme court. All have challenged some aspect of the Constitution and First Amendment and lost. Miller v California or griswald v connetticut or sund v wichita falls tx. Or reno v united states, Roth V United States to name a few.
Ok, so now I will display my original letter to the paper that got me into this issue. You will also see some posts after this with other information. One an actual first amendment case, the next on a little didy called the 14th amendment that also comes into play here.
I thank you if you actually read this in it's entirity. Please excuse grammatics and posible spelling errors I am very tired.

Letter to paper:
I have a few points I would like to make regarding the library controversy.
First it is a public library and not a private one. Therefore they are mandated to not discriminate on any level against anyone. Just ask the school board who included a new harassment policy called "protected class."
Second, I may not agree with the gay and lesbian lifestyle however, I will not stand in judgment of those who either question the possibly or live in it. It is their choice to make not mine. Would you rather have your children be alive and trying to find a way through their life as every other teen must do and be a positive contributing member of society or dead and not have the choice? I say this simply because if you look at the many Hollywood A listers who have "come out of the proverbial closet" they have spoken about the thousands and thousands of letters they received from young people saying they were ready to end their life because they could not face the persecution of family, friends or their churches about their decision, but because this A lister came out they feel that they can now too. Strength can be contagious like many other things. I would rather have a child or teen live then kill themselves out of fear of what others may think or do.
My last point is the names the library is in memory of as well as The Cancer Care Center Alyce and Elmore Kraemer are my great Aunt and Uncle. Through the years of hearing my dad talk about them and knowing that Alice had once been a teacher I do not think she would object to these resources being available to those that either need or want them.
Every choice or decision needs to be made through education. That is what she believed and I happen to agree. Sometimes that education is not given at home and is sought from different places. If opposed at home and the young person is still needing answers why not the public library?
To those opposed to this content on the Libraries web site teach the morals in your home and church and do not try and force a publicly funded institution to do it. Especially one who's primary goal is to provide unbiased information and resources.
I may not live my life from the homosexual perspective and I am not a proponent of it, but I am also not going to throw stones and judge anyone else who does choose that course. We need to teach our children tolerance of all differences that as Martin Luther King Jr. preached we do not accomplish our goals via violence and hate, but through tolerance, understanding, and education.
This community is good at arguing via the paper about things that in the end are things we need to be teaching our children at home. Not in our schools or our public buildings. If for instance the library dropped all their pro Bush, Pro conservative or Republican links and placed only Liberal agendas or pro Obama links that would be discrimination correct? That would create a public outcry right? The library would not do that because they are an unbiased institution. Try it, you too may enjoy it, and maybe even a little bit more peace about things instead of getting so angry and frustrated about things you feel our public institutions should be teaching when by law they cannot. Spend that energy teaching children to know people are different and to be tolerant of the differences even if you do not approve of the choices made or behavior exhibited. It will take them far further in life.
Respectfully,
Kristina
P.S. I will be monitering all comments from this point forward. I will decide what will be posted. I will not discriminate based on opinion. I will only filter for content related to topic. No bashing, personal attacks, on either side will be tolerated.

Don't speak it out!

2009-04-07T19:59:00.024-05:00

OK it's been a while. I have not really had anything to say. Well, that's not totally true. I have said a great deal in my community about issues we have going on here, just not here on my blog.

Have you ever had something inside you that was so deep and personal? A hope, dream for your life, job or something similar? You don't want to talk about it, or express it to anyone. Afraid of what would happen if your dream did or didn't come to fruition? So you keep it between you and God. You don't tell or talk to your closest friends about it. Even if your friends know you have a talent or gifting for the area your secret sits in. So you sluff it off as a random event.

A prime example of this is: I have always had a love or passion if you wish for words. Any and all words. I loved the way random letters come together to form thoughts, opinions, feelings or anything. I picked up how to formulate these letters very young.

In school I was always "housed" in the "special education classes". I was a rambunctious kid with what some said was hyper. I say bored, bored to death. So I caused all kinds of havoc as a way to keep my brain from shriveling up and shutting down. The teachers didn't appreciate this too much. I had also figured out very very young that if I showed as little potential as possible little was expected. It was like "oh she tied her shoes YEAH!! clap clap" So that was my thought process in ELEMENTARY school. Scary right? It gets better. Every year my special Ed teacher would have to test us to see how close to grade level we were performing. I remember the day in 2nd or 3rd grade that this occurred. (That's another problem I remember everything practically, I forget very little. Some how things stay in the back of my mind yet available for instant recall.)

Anyway, I chose to actually try on some of the tests. So I randomly chose what I would and would not perform on. I chose to take the reading, vocabulary, comprehension and all that one seriously. So when the annual reports went home I peeked at mine. I tested almost out high school. I was only in 2nd or 3rd grade. I was the kid that would sit on my dad's lap and read the paper to him once in a while. I know crazy kid.

After those tests went home I had some explaining to do. I said it was a fluke and did my best to bomb every test I was given after that. It worked, I was successful., YEAH!

For all the years following up to where I am today, I held my secret. I have written things in the past. Creative writings, college papers, things for media outlets etc. and have had any number of my friends tell me "God made you to be a writer." Or things of the sort. I would think ya ya whatever. All while holding onto my secret.

Well, I have recently made the decision to test the waters. I responded to an ad in the same paper I have done front page articles for about my many Hurricane Katrina disaster response trips to New Orleans, they were advertising for freelance writers. I called, and was told they would give me a shot. WOW.

I was scared and elated all in the same moment. The simple first story was about the Daisy Girl Scout troop of 5 - 6 year olds. What is the old saying? Never work with animals or kids they steal your own thunder? I did it and was and am proud of such a simple story.

So for those that have tried to push me into some sort of writing over the years I am trying to do some sort of semblance of it now. Are ya happy? (snickering) However, putting some of my most private or emotional thoughts into those random patterns to create words and sentences are still difficult.

There is still a little fear left. I have put myself out there and been approved of. Not not only by humans, but by my heart. the silent, still place that lingers by itself afraid to raise it's hand to be seen. I have always known that there was something different about me and my fascination with words. As I got older I understood that it was a gift from God. I do not know if I would describe it as calling or anything but I know it comes from God, not me.

I know that sometimes when I do write certain things (and I know this may sound strange to some) I feel different. I don't feel the need to read it over and many times do not even want to. In college I always started writing my papers the night before they were due and handed them in without a re-read and got A's. I usually stayed up all night writing them. For some reason my most creative or open times always come in the middle of the night, and I do mean always. Figure that one out.. Sure, there are times that I become insecure and re-read edit, and repeat over and over again, but this brings me to my entire point.

We as humans can have gifts, talents, callings, skills etc, and we can be confident in them. However, I believe that if we leave that place of questioning and rest in our own confidence we move outside of God's grace. We step out on our own and hang ourselves over the cliff. There we dangle and wonder what happened to our giftings. It is not until we look back later that we see what happened. Is it pride? In part. Is it human nature? In part.

It is not that we are not comfortable in our individual skills. It is that we fail to remember it is God who gave it to us. Even if there are others with similar abilities it is He who made them so minutely different our human eye may not see the differentials. It is He who continues to re-supply us with it. That is what we forget in our own busy, hurried, self confident lives.

Just another tale from the rabbit trail.
I would love to know if this makes any sense to anyone else but me.

Arguments disagreements whatever you call them...

2008-12-23T23:07:00.003-06:00

I have a very good friend. We have been friends for around 15 years. We know things about each other that others do not. We had an argument for 3 day or so until today. Today it's over, and I really believe that together our bond became close.
We were both hurt and expressed it in Emails to each other. However, some of my other friends I may not have felt comfortable enough to express my emotions to them. Her, Lets call her EM. It was really the first "fight" we have ever had on that level. Sure we have had issues along the way but never like this. We are very much alike although in some areas we are so alike it is like a single lightening strike sparking a massive wildfire.
I did not love her any less because of this last incident even in the heat of things. I don't ever see her not being apart of my like. We bring out the best in each other.
However, the wildfire got lite. it spread rampantly and destroyed hundreds of miles of vegetation. But the one thing about wildfires and hard as they are to go through (I know I had to evacuate my house several times in Southern Cali due to them) the devastation they leave behind of lost homes and belongings, all the trees, bushes and basic ground cover, and yes the mud slides that can happen after that during the rainy season. mud slides happen after wildfires because there is no longer anything to slow them down like trees or bushes and such.So the water has a clean path to run rampant. All of the vegetation that gets lost in the fires is actually a good thing. True fact. When those canyons and all areas begin to grow back it really is out with the old and in with the new. It is but one way that mother natures uses to cleanse the landscape and make it better.
That is what happened between EM and I. The issues were cleansed and we can grow together as friends even farther. There may be a few metaphoric mud slides in our future but we will get through those too.
So EM (you know who you are) if you are reading this that is one of your positive thoughts for you day. The past few days have actually been good. the fire just got really hot for a bit.
After all was said and done it was really hard to go through it but we are better for it. Love you EM!

One way

2008-12-16T12:57:00.006-06:00

Oh man, too funny. I saw a story on my local news this morning. A man is going to trial because this summer he got angry because his lawn mover would not start. So he decided to remedy the situation his own way. He went into the house got a sawed off shot gun (which are illegal to begin with.) and proceeded to shoot his mower. He was charged with disorderly conduct and possession of a sawed-off shotgun. If convicted he faces a maximum sentence of 6 ½ years. OK, now I think this is so absurdly funny. I'm thinking I'm glad that God and most of humanity does not dole out the same measures of consequence when we don't do something right or start up the very second we should.
I mean what happens if you are just having a bad day or more tired than normal and just want to sleep in? Someone is going to get mad a pop a cap in ya? I'm telling you just be glad we don't get disciplined in the same way.
That's something to be grateful for. If we did no one would live past 2 years. Human life would have been extinct at the very beginning of it.
Than again, for some people would it be all that bad?
Just kidding.

Community

2008-12-10T20:20:00.009-06:00

I got to thinking today about community. Many people if you ask them what community means they will say the town they live it. Which it is, in part. My generation thinks in those broad terms. After all we are the gen x'ers. The generation that is said to be the most selfish, closed off, not willing to help anyone and everything is theirs. It is my generation that launched millionaires by age 20 and then lost it all years later in what is now dubbed "The dot.comers". Those massive internet companies that grew from someones basement and one computer to massive corporate companies. Sure they earned a lot of money but many of them were also broke 10 - 15 years later.
I don't think I fit in that group. I really enjoy community service. All my education and jobs all hold that basic principal. I mean think about it taking a woman from a predominantly white small midwestern town, to Southern California to work with boys ages 13 - 19 many of which came out of juvenile or adult correctional facility and placed in a group home until they age out of the system at 18. Yeah, that's a good fit right? Most would say no, but I did it and did so with all my heart, and was successful. I did not see color of skin as an issue, or economic class of neighborhood they came from. I saw them as kids that needed something I was there to give it.
I will also say that the moment I would meet them I would let him know that he and I have no past. Here, right now is a fresh start to the rest of their lives to make it work for them or against them, but as they stood there in that moment everything was wiped clean.
Even after moving back to this small midwestern town after almost 8 year but 2 1/2 months before my dad died and now I care for my mother I still find ways to contribute what I can. I myself blew through my own savings in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I found new and creative ways to raise large amounts of money to not only fund the gas, trailer rental, and other money that was delivered directly to the church we partnered up with in New Orleans proper. I continued to do it against all odds for about 2 years or so after. What a blessing and a lesson all at the same time.
Now if I am going on a relief aid trip whether it be to the western part of my own state WI during the flooding in June that also caused Lake Delton to empty completely out into the river or whatever I go with my motto Please do not call me a hero or even deserving of the thanks the hero's in all of these trips is ALWAYS the people that make it come to fruition. I am just simply the driver. I may coordinate, gather donation, get publicity with trip info a donation spot drop off, and do presentation through films I have put together on the computer or power point with photos, but in the end I really am just the person taking thing from point A to point B. The lime light is for those who gave either time, man power if there were heavy items, and the supplies being collected at the time for that run.
However, I say that to people when I hear comments and they don't believe I really believe that. But I do. I am here on this planet to be of service to others.
Now when I am not up to full par trying to rehab after a rotator cuff surgery on my left shoulder, I looked out of my front windows yesterday morning at the 12 inches of snow that had fallen and tried to figure out how I was going to shovel it when it's too heavy right now and would put me in the position of possible re injuring it again. Oh great I thought to myself. How the heck am I going to do this one. I finally decided I wouldn't do it. My truck has driven through 3 feet of water and barreled through 3 - 3 1/2 feet of snow drifts or piles of slush, snow and ice the plow dumps at the end of our driveway so I figured no worries. I went back downstairs and was watching the morning news reports about the snow when I heard some rumbling on my driveway and footsteps on the front porch. It's too early for mail and too late for the paper, and the doorbell never rang. I go up to find not one but two people with snow blowers clearing the walks and driveway and one more shoveling the front porch, and someone had already cleared it off my truck in the driveway.
Now I will be honest, my first reaction was what the h e double toothpicks are these people doing here they are in the same mess as me except I have a 4 wheel drive Chevy Tahoe and they only have cars. I know this because one of the blowers was our neighbor next to use down the hill the other was from across the street and the shoveler was from our neighbor next to us up the hill. So I laughed and just said to myself God always sends us what we need right when we need it. Last winter if they got to it before I did I would make a huge batch of chili and give those families a nice home cooked hot meal they did not have to do anything for but sit down with the family.
So since I had no current plans to make chili I quickly baked 3 dozen cookies and gave those away.
Now, that is community. People helping others without expectation of compensation. After all Jesus was a carpenter by trade. He went all over and helped anyone who asked for it. He never expected anything monetarily or possessions. All he asked was to love, serve and follow him. And when you do you just may get a pleasant surprise of having your driveway snow blowed.
I guess what I am saying is that it does not take money or things to help others sometimes just giving your time or sharing what ever gift God has given you is all that is required. He will take care of the rest. Yes, it can be that simple if you are willing to step out into the great unknown. Give it a try. You will be amazed at what you really can do. Come on along with me. Life really is the greatest adventure. Come on lets go.......
Oh I don't know if this even makes sense just another tale from the rabbit trail. I am tired and going to go to bed. This is what happens to your brain when your tired.

To choose or not to choose That is the question!

2008-12-06T02:34:00.009-06:00

I think that we are able to choose our emotions to either let them work for us or against us. We choose to live in the light or dark. If you allow anger or the like to govern how we act than does the situation control us? Simply, yes!

Take the example it's 6:00 AM the alarm goes off. You are irritated because you could not fall asleep until 2:30 AM. So you have only really gotten 3 hours of good sleep. If every 3 hours is considered a REM cycle you would have been better to stay up the extra 1/2 hour and gone to sleep at 3 AM. That little extra 1/2 hour actually made you more tired. So you are really tired. You stumble to the kitchen get some coffee. All of a sudden things look just a little better.

You go with your coffee to wake up oh lets say 3 kids. Ages 2, 6, 8. You first go the first room and wake up the 8 year old Tommy. He's cranky because you had to yell at him 4 times to wake him up and get moving. The 6 year old Timmy is next. You go to his room but he is now awake because Tommy's and your yelling woke him up.

So lets catch up. You are angry, your oldest is cranky because you woke him up by yelling and your middle is mad because you and his brother woke him up. Your doing good. You have 3 angry people to contend with.

The 2 year old is up and screaming in her crib because she is hungry. Your spouse hears all of this even though he had to work a 3rd shift and just got home and to sleep. WOW well done. You have succeeded to either anger or frustrate all 5 of you.

However, while you are just thankful everyone that needed to get up did and off to work, school, or day care you go. Your spouse goes back to sleep. You get to work and a few hours later the boss finds out you were 1/2 late and reprimands you. Your desk phone rings. Your oldest and middle sons got into a fight on the play ground at school. They are suspended for 3 days. Phew, you sigh well a least the youngest is OK. Phone rings again it's the day care calling because she is projectile vomiting.You go to your already mad at you boss for being late. You explain the situation and ask if you can leave early to get the kids picked up and go home for the day. He says sure but stop by the personal office on the way out go get your check and don't come back you fired!

WOW, you are fuming now. The entire world is conspiring against you today and everyone around you is in bad moods right? You are just an innocent bystander and victim of everyone else's bad day? WRONG!

You go to pick up the kids get them all loaded up in he back set. All are yelling and fighting, the baby is sick. You are yelling back to them KNOCK IT OFF! You get pulled over for speeding. You get a ticket with a fine and a mandatory court appearance. You get home, kids rush out and by the time you get in with the baby the boys have woke up your spouse again! Now everyone is screaming the police are called by a neighbor for a domestic call. You are arrested and taken to the precinct.

Now, you are standing in a cell but you think, WOW I will get a good nights sleep tonight. No screaming kids, or angry spouse. You settle in for a good nights sleep. However, you can't sleep worrying all night if you will have to serve a year of "good" nights of sleep in the County jail.

You explain all this to the judge the next day. He asks you to think back to what started it. "Well your honor, I was angry at the alarm clock for doing it's job, and go through it all again.
Verdict is read you are released but must attend court appointed anger management classes and submit the completion certificate to the court.

All of this because you chose to allow your anger to control you. Well done.

That my friends is a Tale from the rabbit trail. However, the point is well made. Emotions are just another act of how humans mess up free will. Sometimes it takes a full circle to make the point and a little humor along the way is always a good thing.

So as Bette Midler says in the song Glory of Love:
"This is a song I've been singing for a long time. It's like an old friend. But, you know, I think it, it's only recently that I discovered what it's really about. "You've got to give a little, take a little,and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,until the clouds roll by a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us,we've got the world and all it's charms . And when the world is through with us, we've got each other's arms. You've got to win a little, lose a little,yes, and always have the blues a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. That's the story of, that's the glory of love

Amen and good night! Or morning now I guess. Yes, I could not sleep OK.

Endures all

2008-12-02T11:06:00.008-06:00

Love endures all. We understand it from the grammatical aspect and even the presumed definition that it last forever. Well in the simplest form that is true. What we fail to realize is that love endures through rage, anger, disappointment, grief, all the good times and even the most extreme bad times. Think about it. If you are a parent and your child goes astray or off course to the point your heart breaks, or your are so disappointed or angry, while you may not like the behavior or removal from the home to a place were your child can receive help. However, you always love them but not the behavior.
Well, God does that with us. He loves us through good and bad no matter what. If we ask for forgiveness He is willing to accept it. More importantly, He throws it as far from the East and West as possible, and forgets it. He does not hold grudges like we humans do.
So ideally we are called to do the same. But since were not God we don't do the forgiveness thing as easily as He does. Sometimes we hold on to our anger with both fists clenched tight just so we can find the fuel to go on another day. Eventually lightening strikes us (not physically) and on some level we begin to understand the principal of forgiveness. Which in turn leads us down the path of love.
So no matter what we feel about someone or some circumstances while it is going on or all said and done love endures all.

Love Concurs All

2008-12-01T20:16:00.008-06:00

OK folk, this is a revelation I had today. It is a basic principal that we a humans tend to forget.
Some of you know I have been having issues with my older sister. I was thinking about that today when I was in the truck. I finally got it.
The Scripture "Love concurs all" does not mean that circumstances will change, or people will change. What it means is love concurs everything. Our anger, our frustration or grief. What it means is if we choose to love even in difficult circumstance we are doing what the Lord wants us to do. If we choose to love then we are resting in God's arms.
I know for me, my personality is to jump to anger, frustration or hurt. I spend so much energy in those places and any time I get to that sweep spot of Gods love I freak and go the opposite direction. It's out of my comfort zone. But today it was like an overwhelming sence of peace that waved over me. If love is the greatest gift than I believe that during this brief period that we are on this earth is to learn this basic concept. We enter into the world in pure love and I believe we leave it in the same fashion. Which at that point we spend eternity in ultimate love.
We make this precept so diffuicult to learn, and try to find deeper meaning behind it that we miss the actual meaning.
Love concurs all mean that it concurs all those "bad" feelings we hold ourself. Once we embrace the meaning it changes us. Not anyone around us or circumtance. It just changes the way we see things.
This is a longer thoughts process that I encapulated.
God love us. All of us. As we get older we forget that God shows us in small ways everyday He loves us. Simple things. A snowflake landing on your tongue, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, hearing children laugh, or laughing and goofing around with friends to the point that you get a headache. I honestly believe that that we try to find deeper meaning in things in Scripture when in actuality it is simple.
He loves us and shows us this everyday.
I may expand this at a later date but right now this is all I can do.

And there it was!

2008-11-03T02:22:00.010-06:00

I was watching a special on PBS tonight when I could not sleep. It was called America at the Crossroads. This episode was according to the description "Dissonance and Harmony" Arabic Music Goes West" A documentation of the challenges presented in life after 9/11. This group of people from America, one that grew up in Cairo Egypt because his father worked for the American embassy, they went to different countries in the middle east, Egypt, Baghdad, Lebanon, Jordan etc. to find musicians that were willing to come to America and collaborate with American musicians and develop a song about what life is like in their country. Then it was said! "In the middle east you cannot dream about the future because no one knows what it will be." That saddened me. These people have not killed anyone nor have they done any harm to the Americans or coalition forces. These musicians want to make a change in the world and the perspective that Americans have of that part of the world. They are rebels. We in this country think that all middle easterners are out to get us and we must kill them or be killed by them. When that is so far from the truth. Sure there are extremists in every country. Look in the mirror! We had Timothy Mcvay who blow up the Federal building in OK City, or the kids at Columbine high school that killed all those innocent kids and adult! They were home grown terrorist! After watching this documentary I realized what I always believed to be true. These musicians that came here from the middle east are mostly young adults. They want to change the world and let Americans know that not everyone there are bad. They are the ones that are going to change the climate of the world. Help us understand that they are not all bad, and let us know that there are people there that want to change our perspective of that part of the world.

One man said that during Saddam's reign he was banned from television and threatened with death. After Saddam he was then able to share his music again. It's beautiful. All of the artists music conveyed a message to the American people that they too are human and want peace and harmony too.

Our country has a trend of automatically judging people from the middle east as evil and out to get us, but these young people are not. We need not to be so quick to formulate judgments against them, and be willing to be open to new thoughts about them. They want to live a life of peace, harmony, and freedom just like us but in their own country.

When I hear them speak of not being able to dream about the future it touches my heart. Do they not deserve the chance to have a future? To dream? To be free? To love God the way we do? Yes! they absolutely do!!

I am sure I will get back lash from this but it is US that have no right to storm into their country and tell then how to run their government. To occupy their land.

Let me be clear I do think we have justification to be in Afghanistan but NOT Iraq. ( ducking all the things being thrown at me for that statement.) That is MY opinion and I live in a country that allows that and will not torture or kill me for speaking it. I love my country and am grateful to live here it is just the fist we hail at others for not doing it OUR way is wrong.

EVERYONE deserves the chance to dream of their future and the possibilities it holds for them. Tolerance is what we need to teach our children. Not to tolerate hate but to tolerate differences in other humans. The young adults in the middle east will be the ones to bring about the change that is needed there. Just like the young adults here in our own country will be the power house of change we need. I am not talking about just the elections I am talking about the years to come as they come into their own. Not all middle Eastern people are bad. Actually many are great people that want a different life. However, the news only reports on the "bad guys". What about the good things there?
I commend these musicians for going against the grain in their countries to help promote change. The rebellion it takes to do it even if their own live is in danger because of it. They believe it can happen.
DO YOU! I for one do!

What is family?

2008-10-22T02:49:00.005-05:00

That is the question right? Is it blood or social bond? Is it people you live with as roommates are friends family..
I think it is all of the above. I have 2 sisters. One older adopted like me, 1 younger half sister. My younger sister and I have reconnected after many year of separation. I take responsibility for part of that. I could have picked up the phone and called her. I just didn't feel I had solid ground to do so. We were young when we first met and at the time 2 very different people. Now through time and God he is restoring that relationship. I don't love her any less because we only share half blood, she's my sister and I love her.
My relationship with my older sister that I grew up with is stagnant. I have not talked to her in months. Even those conversations were strained. It is difficult to to talk to her. I sent her a letter and told her how I was feeling. I have heard nothing back. She did not even call after my surgery to see how I was. We basically just shared a last name and lived in the same space while we were growing up. We 2 are very different people. However, with her I don't know if it will ever be restored. I do love her but I really don't like her right now and there are no signs of this changing.
Now, my mom is angry and wanting to write her her own letter. I asked her is she was ready for the repercussions. It may help bridge the gap, or it could settle the dust and cause her to back out of any relations. There are her 4 children in the mix. I told my mom the consequences could be drastic, and it could hurt her more than I am. She is mom's daughter but we were never sisters in the traditional sense. We rarely fought or argued, we did not have sibling rivalry. There was not much to loose. My mom raised her and cared for her. I mean this is a big step that could go either way.
I think my older sis has issues with me from growing up. I was not the greatest sister. I did things that hurt her. I also have apologized for them and grown past then. I mean after all we are adults now, and I can't change the past. It's not like I was not hurt by her too but I am not keeping a tally.
Maybe she can't stand to watch my moms health go slowly down.
I don't know what the deal is all I know is that when we did talk I felt like I was talked down to and belittled. She does the same with mom. I try to live my life with no regrets. There is only I can not change. I did not get to know my dad as a man and not just my father. I don't want to make that same mistake with mom. So I live by the US marine slogan Semper Fi, seize the day
Unfortunately she is missing a golden opportunity to get to mom. Her choice no one elses.
So yes, I think family includes every one we care about and would do almost anything for. I just wish I had my older sister to share this with.
Ah well, I can't change people just how I react to them. Only God knows what the future holds for us I have left it up to Him. It's too much for me to carry.
Also an update I start my physical therapy on my shoulder Thursday. The pain on any given day is excruciating I try not to take my pain meds which may be part of the problem. I am not staying ahead of the pain but letting it get ahead of my thus making it more difficult to deal with. However, I know it is a long recovery process but I am determined to come out the other end victorious.
That's all for tonight.

WOW

2008-10-13T19:04:00.004-05:00

OK I am a great deal of pain from my shoulder surgery last Thursday. I am on my moms desktop since I can't lift my laptop up. However, with pain comes those lessons no one likes to learn. Humility, grace, and walking the higher road. Not too fond of those lessons. I take to them like I do those on patience. Lets just for lack of a better word they suck!
Surgery did go well no it is all rehab, oh joy.....
short sweet and to the point. That is why this is so short. Just thought I would update.

In ones life....

2008-09-13T20:25:00.006-05:00

In ones life a little rain must fall. It is physically raining here today as it has been for 2 days now. It's strangely comforting. For a very brief moment it was as if God himself was weeping for the loss the world had. I know, my dad was a small cog in a vast machine, and that everything in the world didn't know him. For some reason the rain makes me feel not so alone.
I talked to my mom today. The first real conversation we have had about my dad since he died. We both cried. We talked about him and how we missed him. It was hard and I was afraid that my sadness would enhance hers and make my mom feel like she had to take care of me. I told her that with this we need to take care of each other. We agree that we both have had a hard time with this and both of us felt like we could not tell the other one so as not to knock the other one off the course we were on.
Now, we both know how we feel. I don't think we reached into the depth of our pain and shared that part, but we do know that we share similar feelings. It was heartbreaking, painful, and still comforting at the same time.
So while I still feel the sadness it's nice to know that I am not alone and while I still try and stand between her and hurtful or painful things and take the beatings myself, or at least minimize them for her when it comes to my dad we can discuss it.
I'm grateful for the rain the last few days and the next few days to come or some odd reason it makes my heart feel not to lonely in those recesses of my mind and heart.
Thanks for putting up with me and these last few posts.

And Still......

2008-09-09T23:35:00.019-05:00

Ah man, I don't think I can take anymore of this, and why when I am only asleep, why not remember these things or see these things while I am awake?
Well I prayed and asked about that tonight when I woke up from a nap. I like to ask the questions that does not mean I always want the answer., and still I got one. When I am awake my defenses are too high and I am so vigilant in protecting my mom against my sadness, and loneliness, and gosh forbid me from letting anyone know I am vulnerable because then I would just melt away and die. It's not that things like that are not being remembered while I am awake, it is just I am not as open as I am when I dream. Not to mention His word did say he speaks to us through dreams and visions.
I long for the day that even the good ones don't make me a weeping puddle waiting for the mop, and the bad ones don't have the same sting. I am sure it is out there somewhere and I have faith that I will reach it in HIS time not my own, (I'm not too fond of that part) but it will come. I just don't want to be a walking or driving rolling puddle with a mop not far behind while I hang in the balance.
So since I am crying all over again after waking up and immediately feeling that lose of those first 2 minutes after he passed. It just seems so fresh and raw in those moments it is overwhelming.
Tonight's dream was more like a film and I was in the theater watching it. If I had to title it it would be called "Through the Years". I saw him painting the living room when we first moved here and he spilled the paint can and mom quietly ushered my sister and I away because lets just say he was not happy. I was 3 years old I don't know how that would even still be in the memory bank. I watched when I was 4 and after dinner he would aways sit at the dinette table and read the newspaper. Sometimes I would sit on his lap while he did so and he would read it to me. It was not very long before I was reading it to him without him reading it at the same time. I am sure that is where my love of reading came from. In 4th grade I tested out of high school with vocabulary, comprehension and everything.
I heard his laugh in my dream. That alone was the biggest blessing because it had been many years since I heard that really deep hard laugh. In part because I lived far away and also because he had been sick for a while. Even though it has only been 3 years he's been gone but I almost had forgotten it. I loved to hear him laugh that hard, and his eyes would sparkle and shine when he did. I miss that.
I saw him planting the maple tree that was no taller than I was around 6 years old. Now it towers well above me and the house like a live guardian angel.
I saw him up north at the cabin we used to have and fishing from the pontoon boat or the pier. He taught me that if I caught a bullhead (catfish as you may know it) to be careful taking it off the hook because it's whiskers would sting me. I would fish by myself at dusk off the dock and when I caught one I would scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me in the cabin DDDDDDAAAAAAAADDDDDDD he would come out as fast as he could and I would simply say I got a bullhead come take it off, and so he would. I knew if I screamed loud enough he would come. Sometimes as I got older and lived away from home I could whisper his name and know he would be there. Can you hear my heart whispering for you now daddy?
There was of course a great deal more in my dreaming film to even go into. It just makes me feel that deep void that his death has left behind. I know that even though my heart hurts so deeply it is almost selfish. I know my dad is back home with his heavenly father and his own dad that died when we was very young. He is happy in that perfect place we all long to go back to. I know the sorrow is for me, my family and his friends.
I know I have said this but I love him and I can physically feel the hurt of my heart. I know that gap will get smaller and eventually I will smile and only cry with great laughter in time. I don't believe in someone feeling sorry for themselves or wallowing in things but I think that this is something I have to let take his course and try to allow myself the time I need for that. It's just so deep it makes wonder if I will ever see the light again with that part of my heart and soul. I am not depressed (a little crazy, at least I think so at times) it's just a sad hole inside that needs to be filled up again.However, I'll tell you that I have done a great deal of really challenging and terrifying stuff of things I was sure I would never come out the other side of, but this.... Oh man, this by far is the most challenging, terrifying, and exhausting to go through. I wish I could do it all once, Cry once and just move on.
Unfortunately I can't do it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work.
So again I say good night to my dad and and to anyone reading this though a flood of tears. I just pray that if this happens again at anytime that it won't feel so fresh and new. For now I just hang in the balance and believe as a friend and her son told me that he is looking down and watching over his family. I hope I am the person he wanted me to be, and love as hard and deep as he did, and is proud of me for something. Lord knows I am trying for him and our God.
I just feel like I am stuck in one of those hamster balls that you put them in close up and let them roll around in them.
Some day I'll see you again dad. In the mean time I hope and pray that when you look down you will see something pleasing to your bright eyes. I miss you!
Sorry to all who read this, but this is what has been in my head and my heart lately. Thanks for putting up with me.

For my dad

2008-09-07T22:46:00.020-05:00

I know it had been a few years since you have passed, but I had another dream about you today in which I was talking to you. Telling you all the things that have happened since Feb. 24, 05. The flood in New Orleans where you and mom had your honeymoon. The new baby, even the dog, and how I think you would really like sasha.
When I woke up it all felt so real. Like either you had just passed while I slept, or were still in the hospice. This huge wave of loneliness washed over me and all day the tears , well I have not been able to shut them off. Every time I have had a dream about you and wake up to the reality that you are gone it feels like it just happened. I can't explain it. Even for me to not have the words is rare.
I hope you know that I love you and how much of a void is left without you. I don't understand why it has taken this long maybe you do. I guess part of me thinks that you and God knew that I would not be able to handle it and everything else at the time. I don't know. I talked to Nancy recently, She said it is a delayed reaction. I know how happy you were when we started talking and became friends. She is cool. I know she is your cousins wife, but boy she has spunk. There are others that understand what this feels like and I appreciate that a great deal.
I kept thinking I was going crazy because it has been this long after, and those dreams of you seem to get more intense. First time I just saw you. This time I was talking to you and all in dreams. That I don't understand.
Dad, I know you won't be ready this but I needed to do this even with puffy teary eyes. I have been doing that all day, my eyes are so swollen I am surprised I can still see. Part of me is so exhausted and wants to go to sleep, yet another part of me does not want to sleep because I don't want to wake up after another dream. I know crazy, it makes no sense I know. I have cried so hard today I have a headache. That has not happened to me since I was a little kid.
I just want to tell you I love and miss you a whole lot dad. Please know that I am doing what I can for mom like i promised you I would. I know she misses you too. Oh here go the eyes again. Goodnight daddy, I love you, I will never forget you and yet at the same time I am trying to move forward. I think that was all I was doing immediately after you passed, just kept going so I could survive and get mom through it too. Now here you are again in my dreams...
Anyway, sorry to those who read this and that it was longer than I thought it would be I just felt like writing this. Don't ask me why, I just did... and yet I am still crying. I loved my dad. If you are reading this just remember that time is more than dates or years. Every second is a chance to make a memory don't waste time thinking you have all the time in the world. It all goes by very fast. use the time to your advantage and tell those you love that you do love them, and anything else you may need to say.
Thanks for letting me spill here.
I do love all of you and you know who you are that are reading this. I am grateful to all of you that I do have you in my life. If makes my life all the richer.

Trying

2008-08-15T22:00:00.003-05:00

OK folks... It is me... I am battling some stuff right now regarding my dads death 3 years ago that I still have not really dealt with. Plus current events here in the home with my mom and older sister. I am trying to figure all this out and have consulted many peeps. However, it is all to personal right now to even write about it in this moment. I will eventually just be patient with me. I am trying. I thank those of you whom have offered advice and experience. it has been helpful. thanks for you patients...

info

2008-08-05T02:25:00.003-05:00

OK folks I will know on the 11th, however, I feel like I am heading for surgery on my shoulder for the torn rotator cuff. I have been doing my physical therapy but it still if VERY painful and not gaining much. I will know on the 11th when I see the doctor. I could use all the prayer I can get during this time. I will keep doing what I can to avoid surgery. We shall see.... thanks for the support.

Not ignoring

2008-07-24T21:42:00.003-05:00

I am not ignoring anyone that views my blog... I just have a bad shoulder injury and it makes it difficult to type. I have pain meds in me right now so I can do this, but it is not painless non the less. For those of you that know, I went for my mri last week and got the results this week. It is a torn rotator cuff and I am doing everything I can do to try and avoid surgery. I hope you understand that am not ignoring my blog, it has just has been painful to type and list up the laptop onto the bed.... Please forgive me if I have upset anyone by not posting recently....

Issue

2008-06-29T23:07:00.003-05:00

I have an issue that really irritated me the other day and I thought about it again when I was in the shower tonight.
I was minding my own business driving to a doctors appointment, and flying past me on my right was a little silver car with a big ol' bumper sticker on it that said "I love Jesus do You?" Now I am thinking I used to do that. Meaning put bumper stickers or emblems on my vehicle telling everyone I PASSED what I believed. I had it on the back of my car when I lived in California and was on my way back to Cali from Arizona after a weekend of visiting with my grandfather and mother. This time it did not help. I was in Quartzite Arizona, doing what I called bombing the desert. Meaning I was really flying, radio as loud as it would go, windows open having a good time... Until.... Yup I got nailed. The cop approached and asked if I knew why I was pulled over? (why do they ask this) I said "I can guess". I knew because it took about a mile to catch me and get me pulled over. I was not trying to out run him, I just took my foot off the gas. He wrote me a ticket for in access of 95 which he said was being nice because he clocked me at 120. After he handed it to me with a MANDATORY court appearance at a later date, he said "ya know to have that on your bumper you should know you are to obey the laws of the land too." Ouch, OK that was a good one.
Now I am not saying I do not fly low under the radar when I drive, I do and it seems I get faster and faster the closer I get to my destination. I will say the any vehicle I have owned since that day has not had a marker like that. The fine I had to pay was a lot, but I think I probably should have learned not to speed, in turn I just learned To put a radar detector in the front and back of my SUV when driving a long distance and not thing things like that on it.
I really wanted to say to that guy just wait your time will come too....
OK I am going to bed now. I know this is a strange post but I am in a strange mood. it is call "Just My Thoughts"

servant's heart

2008-06-23T13:40:00.003-05:00

OK, I have been away from my blog for a while. However, I am back with a few thought.
Last Friday I did a relief aid trip to a place in here in my home state of Wisconsin after all the devastating flooding that has been happening. I started a drive to collect bottled water, bleach, non-perishable food, diapers and baby food or formula. The local new TV stations picked it up as well as the local paper ran the story. Now, let me say I love doing these trips weather it be to New Orleans or where ever. This time was a bit different because the items were staying in our own state. We needed to rally around people in our own communities this time. So while I am grateful that the stations and papers helped get the word out about the drive, I hate the camera or reporter in my face stuff. I really just think of myself as just the driver. The people that donate are the real heroes. They are the ones that make it all possible. To them I am thankful.
It took me 5 hours through some very tedious curves and some fairly steep down grades like they have in the mountains except this time there were more than a few 10 mph turns with no guard rails and nothing but a steep slope down. On every trip I have ever gone on I always have those moments where the devil attacks me and I get the thoughts in my head this is it I am going to die. I am going to go off this cliff roll who knows how many times and die at the bottom. Than I start to pray and I am like are you kidding me, I doing something God made happen shut up already. But it's scary initially, and takes a while to get through it. I always come through it on the other end, but going through it is tough.
I know that we are all called to be servants of the Almighty. I am willing to do this. I enjoy this. it just really struck home this time for some reason. Not that I have not had this revelation in the past I have but this time it was closer to home I guess. I do not do this for any kind of fame from the TV and certainly not for fortune considering the out of pocket expense for gas and getting the SUV checked before I go, but for the sheer joy I get in peoples faces when arrive. I pray that they see the glint of God in my eyes for hat He is doing.
People don't like to ask for help, so I call and ask if they need the help, if they do and I can give it I do. it is the most fulfilling thing i do. volunteering to help those that need it. I know that is God in me coming forth. I know it is what I am called to do in that moment.
For those who have never experienced this I encourage you if you have the time to do something like this. Even if it is just dropping off supplies.
I got a card from a friend with a donation enclosed that said I had a servant's heart. I guess I do because I get joy from doing it. However, aren't we all called to be servants? When we serve others we are in turn serving God. When we serve God we are in His presence. What better place to be.
So today, Monday, I am still tired and have a few pulled muscles, am still in rest mode, but grateful for the another experience. What have you done lately to serve others and in turn the Lord. Bring his glory to those in need?
OK, this may not all make sense but that's OK, after all I am still tired and sore.
By the way, Sharon, I am praying for you. Hope you feel better soon. L, K
Kristina

2008-06-01T20:34:00.003-05:00

I am sure I am going to face some backlash from this but this is something I read on the Internet that I found interesting. Most people know where I stand on the Israeli - Palestinian conflict and my belief that the US has no business backing either country in what is an age old war that continues in part because our country can't keep it's nose out of certain things. Most of you also know that I love my country and the freedoms that affords me. I also like others have done extensive research regarding the ancient maps and regions from Biblical times. Israel knows it has US backing and has used that status to bully others around. If you do the research you will find out for yourself that this has been a bone of contention for other parts of the world and has created much of the anti-American sentiment that exists today. Read the the article below and choose for yourself. I know what my opinion is and I can back it up. Can you?

By Ghada Karmi Fri May 30, 4:00 AM ET
London - In 2005, I was invited to do something most Palestinians can only dream of: visit the house from which my family had been driven in 1948. Of all people, a New York Times correspondent discovered that his apartment was built over my old home.
When I met him there, the Jewish occupants who showed me around were almost apologetic, perhaps aware how that incident encapsulated the central story of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: the expulsion of Palestinians and their replacement by Jews. Yet when I asked the reporter how he could still write articles that betray this reality, he was evasive.
His evasion is part of an industry of denial called the Middle East "peace process." This industry feeds the current international consensus on the two-state solution as the only "comprehensive" settlement to the conflict. But there's a better solution, one that's slowly picking up steam among Palestinians and Israelis: a one-state model.
The two-state approach is flawed on two major counts. First, Israel's extensive colonization of the territories it seized in the 1967 war has made the creation of a Palestinian state there impossible. Israel was offering nothing more than "a mini-state of cantons," as Palestinian Authority negotiators recently complained. This leaves Israel in control of more than half of the West Bank and all of East Jerusalem. With the Israeli position largely unchallenged by the international community, the only route to a two-state settlement will be through pressure on the weaker Palestinian side.
This leads to the second flaw: The two-state solution reflects only Israeli interests. It proposes to partition historic Palestine – an area that includes present-day Israel, the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and Jerusalem – massively and inequitably in favor of Israel as a Jewish state. By definition, this rules out possibility of Palestinian return except to the tiny, segmented West Bank territory that Israeli colonization has created, and to an overcrowded Gaza, which cannot accommodate the returnees. Thus the "peace process" is really about making the Palestinians concede their basic rights to accommodate Israel's demands.
It also panders to Israel's paranoia over "demography," an ambiguous term that refers to the morally repugnant wish to preserve Israel's Jewish ethnic purity.
But the two-state solution's biggest flaw is that it ignores the main cause of the conflict: the Palestinian dispossession of 1948.
Today more than 5 million dispersed refugees and exiles long to return. It is fashionable to ignore this, as if Palestinians have less right to repatriation than the displaced Kosovars so ardently championed by NATO in 1999. As recognized by the Western powers then, the right to return was fundamental to peacemaking in the Bosnian crisis. It should be no less so in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Yet the present peace process aims to preserve a colonialist Israel and make Palestinian dispossession permanent. This is not only illegal and unjust, it is also short-sighted. As the early Zionist thinker Vladimir Jabotinsky warned in 1923, native resistance to dispossession is irrepressible and Zionism would only survive with constant force to quell it.
Israel has heeded the lesson well. With an oppressive military occupation ruling over the West Bank and Gaza, it has herded Palestinians into ghettos and prisons, aiming to paralyze any resistance. The response to this brutality is misery, expressed by some in violence against Israelis, and continuing instability in the region. American collusion with Israel has led to growing anti-Americanism among Arabs and Muslims.
If the aim of the peace process is to resolve the conflict properly, then we must tackle the root of the problem: the creation of an exclusive state for one people in another people's territory. The strife this caused will end only when the Palestinian rights to repatriation and compensation are addressed. This cannot happen in a situation of Israeli hegemony.
A different approach that puts the principles of equity and sharing above dominance and oppression is needed: a one-state solution. In such a state, no Jewish settler would have to move and no Palestinian would be under occupation. Resources could be shared, rather than hoarded by Israel. Jerusalem could be a city for both. Above all, the dispossessed Palestinians could finally return home.
Indulging Israel is a dangerous folly that postpones solution. It harms Palestinians, the region, and long-term Western interests. It even harms Israelis, who are less secure in Israel than anywhere else. Palestinian and Arab support for the two-state proposal only reflects resignation to Israel's superior power and fear of US reprisal, not conviction. The two-state proposal is unstable and cannot replace a durable solution based on equity, justice, and dignity.
A decade ago, the unitary state idea was ridiculed. Today, as the two-state solution recedes, a one-state solution is the stuff of mainstream discussion. Now it must become mainstream

Interestingly Enough

2008-05-23T23:49:00.007-05:00

Have you ever examined your friendships? Every now and then I think about my closest friends. What I find ironic those people are the ones I usually detested at the first meeting. One of them in particular I'll call her M. She thought I was snotty , stuck up and just generally obnoxious. I thought she was brash, pushy and down right annoying. We met at work. She worked the 3rd. shift and I came in as a first shifter. The clients she could not stand I really liked. We are direct opposites. I was outside grabbing my last smoke before I went in to work, she was leaving and asked me a question about a bumper sticker on my 91 chevy cavalier. We started talking and some 17 years later we are very good friends and I would not trade her for anything. Well maybe.. Na.. I'll keep her.
Than you have those friends who are always right even when you don't want them to be. Ya know, the one ya call first when your mad or upset? They respond with something that just makes you even more angry or a lecture that was not requested but you know you needed to hear. Like lectures ever are requested right? Yet, those are the people that you keep calling over and over again. Knowing full well what you are in for, and some how you end up on the other end of the speech again. Hang up and cuss them out in your vehicle, throw the cell phone across the truck, and swear "I'm never talking to them again." 2 days later there you are again same song different day. I would not give her away for a million dollars.
Than there is those perky ones that just drive you nuts because all they do smile and everything is just swell. I have one of those friends too. She worked in the human resources department where I worked when I got injured at work by a 12 year old boy. I had 3 surgeries in 3 months. First to fix the fractured knee cap, second to remove an infection, third to remove all the excess scar tissue that had built up. She inevitably would call within a day or so out of surgery. With all that perky hi how are are you crap. All sweet and nice and wayyyyyy to happy. She would tell me that when she would fire people they would cry, give her a hug than say thank you. I was like are you kidding me? You fire me you better have my check in your right hand while I give you your damn keys in your left. Although, I know I would not have been quiet as nice as that. I mean really What's up with hugging someone who just fired you? I don't think so. Yet, today we talk several times a week. She is still annoyingly perky but I would not give her up either.
I have many more friends like that from pastors T, you know who are, to another M who I have known since high school. You see, all these people are different and I love them all. I would do anything and give all I have for any one of them. If there is one thing I have learned in life is it's all about passion. I used to be a very angry kid at times and as I said in an earlier post I learned that anger directed the right way is passion. I am a passionate person. My friend know with me what they see is what they get. No bull, straight up talk, and sometimes an attitude to match.
However, when one has the friends that I have there is always the right person there for the right situation. My friends are apart of my family. That is who I am. Like it or leave it. I can come on like a busload of truck drivers at times, but I have that other side that I don't like to show too often that is sensitive and very giving. That is all apart of life. More giving than recieving.
My grandma when I was young, (my dad's mom) I thought knew the meaning of life. I asked her one time. I was maybe 11 or so and she was in a nursing home. I'll never forget what she said. be yourself, find your passion and never let anything stop you. The hills and valleys along the way are just part of the ride, and if you ride with them you'll always come out on top. Well, I think I have and continue to do that. I love my God, my family and friends, and the bumps in the road are just temporary and I am happy with it all.
I mean if I look around even at family members I have not been in contact with for years I am communicating with again an it's wonderful. Their wonderful.
Geez, not I am starting to sound like a brash, lecturery, perky person. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! What has become of me???

....

2008-05-15T20:12:00.004-05:00

Well I finally have relief and things are OK. Thank God!! I am tired tonight so that is all I am going to write tonight. I am just starting to get some energy back and maybe doing to much a little too soon.
I do have somethings spinning around in my mind but not for tonight.

Peace

2008-05-14T01:06:00.003-05:00

Amazing I get the results of my tests tomorrow and I am not afraid. Interested yes, fearful no. I have really prayed for the peace that passes all understanding. It really does. I have talked to many people who have said the waiting it the hard part. For me it was the waiting for the surgery to get it out. However, after i am amazed at the relief I do feel. Many people have helped through this time, family and friends alike. I am grateful for their support and words of wisdom they have imparted to me. Those things all combined have helped me get to the point where I am now. Resting in the peace of God, which ya kind of have to do after surgery and all the meds they pump ya with and pain killers after, but just knowing even if it does come back as positive the doctor said he got it. I trust him, and I trust the big Him.
So tomorrow at 10:30 I go in for the post op and get the results and everything and we shall see where that takes me. I am reminded of the book by Robert Frost: The road less traveled. That is what this feels like for me. This whole 16 days since I found it. (most of you know what it is) I have a wide array of emotion from panic, anger, gripping fear, vulnerability, hopelessness, encouragement, frustration, then there was and is the peace, hope, warrior instinct to go into battle if i need to over this, and just incredible love from family and friends. I can't remember a time when I felt that much emotion in such a short period of time. Emotions are not a strong point for me. Yes I am passionate about many things and there are times that when expressed appropriately anger is passion, therefore I am the passionate one. but now..... I will take whatever the answer is from the doctor and forge ahead. All the while knowing that god is driving the bus. And that's a tough one for me because I like to the one behind the wheel, but this time and I am sure every other time as well, He does a better job at it when I am just a passenger....

In due time

2008-05-13T00:02:00.003-05:00

Scripture says everything is done in God's time. Well, I want the answer now. I am ready to say, I had surgery on Friday to remove 2 masses in my left breast. The unknown is scary. I know in my conscious mind that to God there is no unknown, but my mind has a lot of them. The pain medication makes me nauseous so I take a different med for that. I have an appointment on Wednesday of this week to get the results. Yes, I am anxious for the results, but i can make it.

There is someone who I really don't know, that I met when I was 19 she was 15 who inspires me. She is my half biological sister. Yes, I am adopted. She is am amazing person. We have reconnected after several years and WOW am I impressed. Her faith is so strong. The trials she has had to face in her life and yet she is raising God fearing children who love the Lord. Sometimes just hearing her voice makes m feel better. When we met I was young, she was young, and held judgement for some of her choices. Those are now gone and all I hear is a woman who is grounded in the word of God, and lives her life accordingly. She has called to see how I am doing after the surgery, and i know that even though we are just getting to know each other, the people God made us to be, that our bond is growing. I love her so much I would lay my life down for her. I am proud to be her big sister (what ever that means, which I will learn as time passes) I will write more about her later. she has just been an amazingly inspiring to me. I thank God that He has brought her back into my life during this trial. I will be making a trip out o see her this summer I hope. By them I will be off the 2 medications and actually make sense when I talk to her. Not all goofy and her kids and husband will hear a better side of. Sorry about you know what Jeff. Try not to laugh too hard..... It's the meds I promise...

Revelations about myself

2008-05-08T01:01:00.008-05:00

I remember the day my dad died in Feb. 24th 2005 and the months leading up to it. He was so sick and almost died a few months before he did. I had moved back from Southern California to take care of my 73 year old mother. She needed the help and I was willing to give up my life to do it. I am great in any kind of difficulty / crisis. his illness was just that. I've been described as stoic / tough through it all I was strong for mom, showed little of my own emotion and just knew I had to shake it off and move on. The day he died I was there holding is hand. when it was over I walked out of the room collapsed on the floor in the hallway, sobbed for a few minutes then pulled it together, walked out and started making phone calls and arrangements. I have been that way ever since, and even long before.
Even during this time while I am facing a serious issue I find myself the same way. I am a very private person and keep things to myself to protect those around me. Maybe from myself, maybe from my emotions, maybe from my anger at everything that has happened in the span of 3 years. Yes, I am terrified on the inside but I need to be strong and press forward and on the outside present a package that things are normal and just "fine". However, on the inside I am trembling strongly. Once in a while I physically shake because I just can't keep it in at the moment. I must. I keep telling myself keep it together, hold on just hold on a little longer, I must my mom needs me. Heck, everyone seems to need something from me.
Balance, I need to find the balance. I always help others, that is my nature. I even use the reserve tank at times. However, right now I need to keep the reserve tank set aside for me. I have to face this challenge and do it with this balance. I can do this. I must. I have people that need me now and in the future.
However, I do still need to remain stoic. The shaking on the inside needs to stay on the inside. I do have friends and family that will support me. however, they too have lives of their own and need their tanks full for their issues and families. It seems that the times I need to be filled everyone else need me too. so who do I turn to them?
God first, but human contact is good.
I know I will stay strong through this and just do what I need to do with humor and knowledge. It just gets hard especially in the middle of the night when everything is quiet but my mind. It is whirling like a tempest, spinning like a hurricane, and my emotions are running deep. I am not a crier, however there are times that the tears run hot down my throat. No one sees then because on the the outside things are normal as can be.
I need to learn to ask for help and support, something an independent person has a hard time with. I need to work on patience, that is not a virtue I have at this point. I know what I want and I want it now. Even with God, even when he says no, I tend to argue my point usually to no avail.
I know me and I have always been the strong one who can handle everything anytime. Vulnerability is also not a strong point. I'm working on it and God is helping me, but I don't think my stoic stance is going anywhere soon. Maybe someday god will break through the 6 foot thick wall around me and help me with this. Someday....

This we learn form our dogs

2008-05-07T01:34:00.003-05:00

Dogs are great. They love you no matter what you do. Even after you have to correct. However, today I learned my dog is actually becoming smarter then me (Don't tell mensa) She knows when I am sick, she knows when something is wrong with me before I even do. I swear she can smell something like a cold or flu coming on before I feel it. She even knows when I am scared about something as well too.
Today, she did not leave my side at all. She is normally pretty much attached to me anyway, but today was even more so. So knows that something is wrong and would not leave me alone. She clung to me so close I almost stepped on her many times. She knows that there are some challenging appointments I have coming up starting tomorrow and I even believe she knows were the problem is. Anytime we were kicking back watching TV she was right there and laid her head right on the part that has an issue right now. I'll explain this all much clearer at a later date, but for now I firmly believe my dog is a genius.

Back home

2008-04-30T16:24:00.006-05:00

So I got back yesterday afternoon. Very tired and exhausted, but in a good way. It went exactly how God wanted it to that much I do know. The ego in me wanted to do more, but I had to do and say only what He wanted me to say. I pray I did so. Meaning said enough or didn't talk too much.
So I am back home. I am facing a challenge of a different sort. Maybe I will write about it later. For now it is in the Lord's hands and a few people who will cover me with prayer while I wait and refuse to fear. (Easier said than done) god tells us not to but I am, but than I remember who and what I am and that it all belongs at the feet of God. I just need to not keep going back to pick it up again. What a struggle.
Anyway, I am tired today and going to just rest in everything God has given me. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.....

Friends

2008-04-25T02:26:00.002-05:00

I love my friends, and I have a lot of them. However as most people know there are those friends that are just that friends. Than there are those that are closest to you and know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. Most of the later is usually a very small circle. I can count those in my life on pretty much one hand. I would lay my life down for them, do virtually anything for them to help them.
Tonight I face a conundrum. I lave a friend i love and would lay my life down for and she needs help. However, she is across the country in California. What do I do? She really needs the help and support of a sister in Christ. i don't have a lot of money and would have a lot of arrangements to make in a short period of time. Again, what do I do?
I have made a plan and am going to do it. Tomorrow it will play out when I fly into San Diego airport. I am taking the last I have and go and help her. I think that is what a close friend. I am not doing it to gain anything and I expect nothing. I love her and she needs help end of story.
I am reminded of the story on the Bible where a group of friends tore off the roof in desperation to where Jesus was teaching and in a make shift basket lowered their friend down through the roof so that Jesus could heal him. What did Jesus do? Healed and helped their friend. Now I am not comparing myself to Jesus here in no way do I even come close, but it we were back in those days I would tear the roof off and lower her down.
The next best thing I have is an airplane and a shoulder to cry on, and hopefully help her through this time and let her know that she is worth it to me, the world, and to God.
So if you are reading this please pray for me to have the wisdom to know what to say and pray for her to have whatever is oppressing her to be not only lifted but thrown as far as the east is from the west.

History

2008-04-22T03:05:00.001-05:00

If history is any reference than I have a great deal to learn. I have to learn to love deeper, forgive more, not judge people for where they are in the moment, and give more of myself to others that need help. I need to learn to be a better sister (older and younger). I was a horrendous sister all the way around and in many ways still am from what I gather. I am not sure how to do this, but through God and His word I am learning. Emotions run cavernous and burns hot, I love them both I just do not know how to articulate it to them in ways they will be received with the intent they are meant. I tend to be a very gruff and up front people. One gets what they see with me. I also need to learn to discipline that side of me.
I call it fervor. I have a lot of it for all sorts of things. I believe that God comes first in all things, then family, than everything else. Sometimes my vehemence gets the best of me. I am working on that too. I am not ashamed to admit I am a work in progress, than again aren’t we all?
I am very arcane with how I feel. I don’t like to let people know how I feel because I always think that it can then be used against me. So I keep them to myself. Vulnerability is not a major sturdy point for me. Yes, I have been egomaniacal at times; however, I feel that is something that I am overcoming. I like to give rather than receive. I enjoy watching people’s faces when I do so. Even in New Orleans there was nothing in it for me, it was all for them. I may have structured the drives for whatever was needed and synchronized everything, but when I was complimented I would simply say those who donated were the real hero’s I am just the driver. Nothing more nothing less. I just get things from point A to point B. The houses I helped gut or build had no gain in it for me, it was all about the people we were helping. I enjoy it more than words could explain.
So I guess I need to work on conveying my feelings more too. ARGH, that could cause some serious anguish, I like my comfort zones.
So much to work on I guess that just goes to prove I am human being and make human faux pas just like everyone else in the world.
Ah well, those are my thoughts for tonight.

Prologue

2008-04-19T23:58:00.003-05:00

PROLOGUE:
Grace what a delusion! Or maybe it was called Praying Hands, you know the classic painting? The old man sitting at a table with a loaf of bread with his hands pressed together in prayer. She sat under that. That was her position at the dinner table. On the other wall was the picture of all the fruit sitting on a table. That one was called Half Bushel. She always thought it would be more appropriate if she had sat under that since she felt like such a basket case. Their wallpaper was the old stuff, ya know actual paper. Also with the fruit on it, gold fruit with pristine gold stripes. That helped add to the illusion that everything was as perfect and polished as the pattern itself, even though its hue was tainted yellow and peeling, caked with years of lingering smoke that never found an escape except to seep into the walls, stuck in time. Locked in the particles of the paper until released and replaced by a new modern décor. It fit the criteria for a typical Midwestern dinette in the 1960’s. Only problem was they had an atypical house and the wallpaper stayed until the late 1990’s. Stripping that wallpaper off was difficult at best, because it was the real stuff. The kind that actually stuck once hung. It was as if that paper was trying just as hard as she was to hold on to everything that it has seen transpire there through the years, like that same prayer before dinner. They said it so fast that she did not even realize what she was saying until years later when she slowed it down in her head and tried to figure out what the words were she was saying. The unsullied ornamentation of that house was nothing more than an aberration. All the crystal, china and silver in the world would not make up for the secrets that encamped in the thick stale atmosphere that only an inhabitant knew existed. It hung in and around everything. Permeating everything it came in contact with, nothing was immune. Yet if it were mentioned it was quickly extinguished and passed off as a selfish, disconsolate, emotionally aggrieved child. It was unseen except by the wisest spectators. She would silently pray, the only way she knew for that audience member to appear, to rip off the veil. Expose the murky shadows that only linger in corners or under stairs as seen on movies or read about in books, except in her case that was all there was. The sunlight that would shine in through the huge bay windows in their should have been plastic covered living room, the ones no one ever really sat in unless there was company over. It was also primped with gold paint and yellow gold shag carpet. The sun would break into tiny particles and fall dead just as it hit their window sill. It was incomprehensible to her that anybody had a different life or existence than she did.
She often looks back and wonders how she could have ever arrived at this point in her life. Her journey here was as they say an uphill climb both ways in the snow. Clichés are too passé’ even for the most experienced adventurer. Every detail was as clear as if it were lying just on the other side of a two way mirror. Touchable on the surface but anything more would have killed her she was sure. Her own parents are amazed at her memory. It is all Technicolor in her head, but it has the feeling of a monochrome plain. Don’t get her wrong, it’s not all bad. Maybe it is just exacerbated because it is her life and not that of a television sitcom character. Every problem solved in 22 minutes, 30 with commercials. In her case she knew she was born but for the life of her could not figure out why anyone much less God would have wanted her here, and grace from a seen or unseen force was something far beyond her since she never knew it from any human.
The year was 1969. A terrible mistake was made and in august of 70, the faux pas was born. She was given a name but nothing formal, lasting or grounding. She had a case number assigned to her and was put up for adoption and sent to a foster home until someone wanted her for good, and for bad for what it’s worth. If she had known then what she knows now would she still have come forth? She often wonders.
So her life began. She came to know in her late 20’s that it all happened in a motel room in a small Kansas town half way across the state from where she was born. She wasn’t even good enough then to get at least a middle class HOTEL. No she got a neon flashing, psycho looking, just off the highway MOTEL. There is a difference between the two.
Let me recede for a moment. The first few days of her life she was in a maternity home with the woman who gave her this life. She was told that she was a fairly content baby. However, there were times that she was inconsolable. Usually this happened at night. There was a nice young nurse who after trying to comfort her with no success, would take her to her mother so she could hold and feed her. At that point she would instantly quiet. Her name was none other than baby girl J, as in Jane Doe, no identity but a case number. She was still a nobody. She was then placed in a foster home. There they considered adopting her themselves, because they said “She was such a happy, content baby girl, who smiled and gurgled a great deal. One of the best foster babies they had ever had.” They were told that she was most likely spoken for. Most likely being the operative words.
Fast forward to the day in the MOTEL. She was taken by a social worker to this hick motel and placed in the custody of two people who had never laid eyes on her before, for two hours to decide if they wanted her or not. The social worker didn’t stay she did a drop and leave. Maybe she needed to get something to eat. After all what was more important than the safety of a defenseless child or her own grumbling stomach. Well the grumbling won out. She did nothing but cry and scream the whole time in what her parents described as “a blood curdling cry.” Interestingly enough from the moment her conception was known a social worker was involved in her life as they would be again later on. The worker returned and the people decided why not, we’ll take her. What a great way to make a lifelong commitment. They took her the rest of the way across the state to her 3rd new home, all the while she continued my whaling at which point her new mom asked her new dad if he thought “this was an omen of things to come”. “Oh Elizabeth she is just not sure what is happening.” “Ok Albert but if she does not stop this soon no one will have any peace.” Already she was to blame for something else. They changed her name to Amy and a completely new beginning as they say began. Or should she say a completely new person was born that day. No one understood that to change a name even as an infant changes so many things inside little minds that it sends everything in them into warp speed. So she was referred to by friends and family of her parents as “special”, or “chosen”, she love that one. However, she must have known that something was not right. The new voices were not the ones she had heard before; the touch was different and things did not feel right. In a matter of hours those changed as did everything else. She went from happy and smiling to crying and screaming. Somewhere in those few hours she got lost and some people lost her. She would not know until later if the wrong path was taken. Yet, somehow an innocent, infantile mind knew that things were going to be severely veered off the intended or not so intended natural course of human beginnings.
Oh to be alive in such a time. Childhood escaped her. She did not feel like a quote normal kid, but more a mini adult. She learned very young that to pretend to be stupid was beneficial to her. Little was expected and trivial things were enormous victories. Yet, she observed everything in the seen and unseen realms. To grow up in the smoke tainted house with people who had no genetic connection to anyone and survive defied all means. She knew at a young age that there was something missing from her life – what? Some said God; others thought that she was just an emotionally disturbed child. She could not figure out what was absent even with earnest thought through a young mind. She urgently needed answers to a vast number of questions. No one had them; she had to find them on her own. At least that is what she thought. What she really needed to know was that she mattered to someone somewhere. She thought “what is my reason for being here in a world where the one who birthed me didn’t want me and the ones who brought me home seemed to want to blame me for all and any problems anywhere?” In her mind it came down to what she called the dreaded “L” word, love. Was she still loveable even though she was damaged goods? Was she worth anyone’s love even if no one seemed to want her? She decided that she wasn’t but yet kept trying to find and get it.
Her journey began as another one always ended.

Preview

2008-04-19T23:54:00.002-05:00

OK, this is guts.. I am going to add the prologue to the book I have started years ago. I really have to be inspired to write. I do have other chapters written, but I have only shared the prologue with ANYBODY. No one has seen the chapters, and they won't until I am more comfortable. GOT THAT MAR!!! HAHAHAHA

2008-04-13T02:10:00.005-05:00

Even as a little kid I knew I was different than most. I was not consumed with being the most popular or fashionable. None of that mattered much to me. Oh sure I wanted to fit in as all kids do, but I was not the type of kid that would tell my parents I would just die if I did not have a specific shirt or pair of pants. Case in point: even in my latter elementary school years I still liked the show Captain Kangaroo. I really liked the character Mr. Green Jeans. Why, I could not tell you now or even what he looked like. However, my mom thought because I liked him so much I would like a pair of green jeans. She brought them home and was so proud. I took them gratefully, but was screaming inside about how ugly they were. I mean big square pockets in front and back and just ugly. I never wore them and they stayed buried on the very top shelf of my closet way in the corner. As a matter of fact I found them years and years later still scrunched up there in an old pillow case. So I cared to an extent about fashion but it was more geared to what I liked and was comfortable wearing. After all I was a tom boy in every since of the word.
Our family did not really talk during dinner because the news was on, and God forbid if we spoke during the weather. Mom just about had a cow on anyone that did. That was one of her obsessions and still is to this day. But, I was the type of kid was would hear the undercurrents of things being talked about on the news. the murders in the bigger cities, racial undertones about it if it was a black or Hispanic that stood accused. I didn't understand why people made comments about people of different skin color, why was it a big deal? I didn't get it. We were still people right? I heard and saw the horror of the end Vietnam War and wondered why we as a nation were there, and why all these people had to fight. I really wanted to know these things and knew I was not going to get the answers at the dinner table. So I just kept wondering night after night.
In history lessons in social studies class as it was called in elementary school we learned about Martin Luther King Jr. and all he did for our country. Even at that age, I knew if I had been alive then I would have helped some how. I would have been in Selma Alabama marching across the Edmund Pettus bridge, and march on Washington. I would have sobbed when JFK was killed, and applauded John Jr. as he stood straight and saluted his fathers casket as it rolled by. I just knew it. I don't know how I just did.
In middle school I would go to the art museum in our town it was free to get in, and just walk around and look at all the paintings and other art. It was then as I walked through listening to classical music on my walkman that I had the realization that I was listening to music written by a deaf man (Beethoven) and looking at paintings painted by a blind man (Claude Monet). I thought that everybody thought that and I was just behind the learning curve because I just then got it. I found out later that most adults don't ever have that kind of deep thought awakenings.
I guess I always wanted to fix the wrongs in the whole world. I had been jaded and turned cynical to the fact that one person can't do that. In many regards I feel like I still can change the world, I can do my part anyway. Even if it to just light a fire under someone else to also help in their own way in where ever their personal passion lies. One voice turns to two, 2 to 4, and it just keeps growing until multitudes are all in one accord with helping someone some where in the world even in their own back yard. Distance does not matter it's the effort that counts.

Yet.... I have my days where I feel like I am accomplishing nothing, disappointing everyone and not doing my part. My problem is I want to help everyone everywhere. All the AIDS orphans in Africa, the war in Darfur, the victims of hurricane Katrina or other natural disasters, the remaining families of our fallen war heroes, basically all the plights of those less fortunate then I. Even as a young kid I wanted to do that. However, people would say "you can't change everything, you can't change the world by yourself." Why? Why can't I, and can't I at least try? I don't want to do it for any recognition or accolades, I just want to do it because I can.
I think what I am getting at is as a child I always knew I had to have been born in the wrong era. I wanted social justice for everyone because I heard of all the injustices and intolerance's every night on the news or in comments adults would make. Without understanding why the comments or undertones were wrong I just knew they were. I wanted to make everything right with the world even if everything about me was all wrong.

Lightning storms

2008-04-11T01:44:00.008-05:00

Lightening storms seem to sweep through my life at different times. Some are way off in the distance like those you see in the desert south west. Others are deafeningly loud so they shake the ground all around.
Maybe I was just electric and called all of these dangerous and exciting things to me. Maybe fires were always starting around me to protect me from the world. Or I put the fire ring around me to keep everyone else at bay. I don't know, I just know that as far back as I can remember I was walking around in a group of people and had never felt more lonely.
People didn't seem to want to talk to me about what I want to talk about. They want to talk about the weather and I want to know about me.

Have you ever

2008-03-31T23:00:00.004-05:00

Have you ever tried to write a book? Well I have been trying for years now. I have the beginning and I know how I want it to end..... The middle is the challenge. So I even tried writing from the end to the beginning. Talk about a challenge. So maybe I should start again in the middle. Middle of what? Oh who knows... I guess I will just continue to go at it a chapter every so many years. Maybe I should just try to write a few paragraphs at a time. What do you think???